2006 WTF? AWARDS!: All those bizarre moments when you thought you drank the wrong elixir...

[lvasconcellos]

The 2006 WTF? :wtf: Awards!
by Ed Naha (from the Smirking Chimp)

The "Crap In Your Hand and Fling It" Award goes to Homeland Security's Frances Fragos Townsend who, when asked if the fact that Osama bin Laden has never been captured could be considered a failure, replied: "Well, I'm not sure. It's a success that hasn't occurred yet. I don't know that I view this as a failure."

The "Speaking Truth To Power" Award goes to Spc. Thomas Sheck, 25, now on his second tour in Iraq. Following the execution of Saddam Hussein, he assessed: "First, it was weapons of mass destruction. Then, when there were none, it was that we had to find Saddam. We did that, but then it was that we had to put him on trial. So now, what will be the next story they tell us to keep us over here."

The "Best Description of Saddam's Demise in A Single Headline" Award goes to The Huffington Post's Tony Hendra, who penned: "Former American Puppet Executed by Current American Puppets."

After the election, Bush dodged the "What's YOUR plan?"question nicely: "I will be delivering my plans after a long deliberation, after steady deliberation. I'm not going to be rushed into making a decision."

The "Stay the Whatever" Award goes to the First Couple. On ABC's "This Week," George declared: "We've never been 'stay the course.'"

On "The Today Show," Laura opined: "Well, I say exactly what the President says, that we need to stay the course."

The "Audie Murphy Award for Journalism" goes to Fox News' Geraldo Rivera for this quip. "I've seen a hell of a lot more combat than John Kerry." Uh, getting hit upside the head by an audience member's chair doesn't count, Jer.

The "Compassionate Conservative" Award goes to flack Tony Snow who, when asked to reflect on U.S. deaths in Iraq reaching the 2,500 mark, theorized: "It's a number." Can't wait to see what he does with the figure 3,000.

The "Medusa" Award goes to George W. Bush who stated he knew how tough Iraq was because: "I talk to families who die."

The "Mom Always Liked You Best" Award goes to former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld who blamed his ouster on the density of the American people. He called Iraq: "...this little understood, unfamiliar war, the first war of the 21st Century. It is not well known. It was not well understood. It is complex for people to comprehend."

Yeah. Like sticking your tongue into a plug socket is complex.

The "Down the Rabbit Hole" Award goes to Dick Cheney who said, of Rumsfeld: "I believe the record speaks for itself. Don Rumsfeld is the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had." But that's only because George Custer wasn't available.

The "There's Always More Room In the Rabbit Hole" Award goes to former Republican Senator Conrad Burns who praised our troops with a hearty: "We thank God for those young people that do it every day and every night - to fight this enemy that's a taxi cab driver in the daytime, but a killer at night." Mr. DeNiro's on line five.

The "Why We Fight" Award goes to Republican Rep. Curt Weldon who stated: "We either fight them there, or we fight them in the supermarkets and streets here!" (Uhh. Big clean-up on aisle five.)

The "Father Knows Bats" Award goes to George Bush Sr. who, after hearing his son mocked by an audience at a conference he was attending, surmised: "I think that's weird and it's nuts."

The "Buzzkill" Award goes to flack Tony Snow. When asked if Saddam's death sentence being announced the day before mid-terms was political, he theorized: "Are you smoking dope?"

The "Don't Let the Polar Bear Hit You on the Way Out" Award goes to Sen. James Inhofe who insists that global warming is the "greatest hoax perpetrated on the American people." He then later got into a yacht and zoomed off the edge of our flat Earth.

The "John Bolton Diplomacy" Award goes to Bill O'Reilly for the following, well thought-out policy: "Do I care if the Sunnis and Shiites kill each other in Iraq? No. I don't care. Let's get our people out of there. Let them kill each other. Maybe they'll all kill each other, and then we can have a decent country in Iraq."

Unfortunately, it will be called "Iran."

The "God Bless You, Aquaman" Award goes to George W. Bush who told our troops: "You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire."

The "My Word Is My Oath" Award goes to Sen. John McCain who ruminated on what he'd do if the Democrats took back the Senate. "I think I'd just commit suicide." Don't let us stop you.

The "God Bless Us, Almost Every One" Award goes to former Rep. Katharine Harris who said: "God is the one who chooses our rulers... If you are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin." Or, at the very least, encourage the literary career of Virgil Goode.

The "Reach Out and Touch Someone" Award goes to former Rep. Mark Foley for computerized quips like "Get a ruler and measure it for me" and "Are you horny?"

The "What Civil War?" Award goes to Condi Rice who, while denying that Iraq is in the middle of a civil war, couldn't resist explaining: "I know there were people who said 'Why don't we get out of this now, take a peace with the South, but leave the South with slaves?'"

What would Remus do?

The "That Explains It All" Award goes to George W. Bush who told a war widow: "I'm not going to have a philosophical debate over politics."

The "Bible Thumper" Award goes to George W. Bush. Reflecting on why the Supreme Court ruled that American interrogations must be conducted under Common Article III of the Geneva Conventions, he puzzled: "That Common Article III says that there will be no outrages upon human dignity. It's very vague. What does that mean, 'outrages upon human dignity?' That's a statement that is wide open to interpretation."

As New York Rep. Charlie Rangel said of Bush: "I really think he shatters the myth of once and for all."

That's just the tip of the iceberg, gang. Feel free to add your own awards to the list.