My funeral will not be presidential

[BOSSHOG]

I hope I don't have a funeral for a long, long time but when I do leave this place you all are invited to my Jazz funeral in the French Quarter. Lots of good music, dancing, gratuitous nudity and mass consumption of alcohol as my carcass is paraded through the quarter in a horse drawn hearse surrounded by a jazz band. You will not be sad at my passing but you will celebrate my ever being here in the first place. And if anyone chooses to get in touch with their hedonistic side to celebrate my passing then so be it. I would appreciate any attempts to fuck with the sensibilities of "conservatives."

[TechBear_Seattle]

1. I've created a "funeral fund" for myself

When I depart for realms unknown, I plan to leave behind a savings account with enough money to buy a case of fine whiskey, a keg of really good beer, a killer (pardon the expression) deli spread and hire a hot jazz trio for the evening, along with authorization to access the account and instructions to do just that. I want my friends to whoop it up, enjoy themselves and swap all the bawdy, embarassing stories I didn't want them telling when I was alive.

After that, cremate me, bury my ashes beneath an apple tree in a park somewhere, and hang a sign nearby giving an "in memento" and a suggestion that the world can finally eat me.

[BlueStorm]

2. I am more simple, lol!!

I would probably not have any kind of theme to my funeral but probably a pagan one, maybe Santeria and then I will be cremated and have my ashes spread into Lake Michigan. God I love that lake, hate the rip currents though.

Blue

[Hubert Flottz]

3. I'll stay alive and vote forever, just to spite the GOPers!

I fart in their general direction every chance I get!

[sandnsea]

4. I'm not having one

Cremate me and dump me in a garden somewhere. All done.

[hashibabba]

7. Sandnsea, you sound like me, except my ashes are going in the

ocean! My parents, too. Can't speak for my seven brothers and sisters, though.

No funerals, no memorials, nothing. When we're gone, we're gone.

[sandnsea]

9. I thought of the ocean

I live right here after all. But a nice garden spot is more me. My husband, he's going in the ocean. Fishing and family, that's what he lives for.

Although we had nice services for both my parents, that was their generation. I've got nothing against it. It was nice having the family come together and take a few days to just grieve and get it done with. But that's just not my lifestyle.

[Solon]

12. I want either one of those fancy funeral pyres, burn me right in front of everybody...

or stick me in a garbage bag(biodegradable), and dump me in the Mississippi River.

[Vinca]

16. Ditto for me, but keep me away from the squash bugs. nt

[MrCoffee]

5. I'm going out Ayatollah-style

i want my coffin passed hand-to-hand over the heads of a throng of partisans who have taken to the streets, with women wailing and rending their garments, and men firing AK-47's randomly into the air and waiving giant posters of my face, while shouting "Death to Imperialist Pig-Dogs" or something equally catchy.

If the coffin were to fall and break open, allowing my embalmed corpse to be passed around so that the mere touch of my dead flesh could cause the blind to see and the lame to walk, that would be cool too.

[itsmesgd]

6. I actually got to see a New Orleans funeral

It was in 1999 or 2000 for some former city council something... It was so great. They started near the Louis Armstrong Cemetary and marched around Canal Street. They started very slowly, playing a dirge. When that finished they busted out into high octane jazz swing. I didn't know who was being memorialized, but I teared up until I saw the family behind the band marching and waving and dancing.

I personally want to be stuffed and propped up at my wake in a tee shirt and sunglasses like Weekend at Bernies. Everyone could walk by me, pat me on the back, and enjoy the party and then bury me without a coffin and vault in the woods somewhere with only an untreated wooden marker. When the wood marker rotted and went away, I would be long gone.

[madokie]

8. sounds cool,

myself when I do go I want 'em to burn my old carcass and someone dig a hole out there where ever the hole digger wants to dig it and put my ashes in then plant a sycamore tree on top of them. No preaching, drink and whatever but no dang preaching I want my soul to be totally free to roam as I see fit. To cause as much mischief as I can and as many practical jokes as I can get by with. yep that me.

[theoldman]

10. I have instructed my pastor to make my funeral a happy

occasion. I want lost of jokes and no tears. My wife has been instructed to spread my ashes on the local lake. If I die and go to heaven I will ask St Peter to send me to hell where I can be with Albert Einstein and Mohandas Gandhi. I certainly do not want to be with Jerry Falwell and all of the other right wing nuts.

[malaise]

11. I'm not having a funeral

Period. Cremation will be followed by the scattering of my ashes on my favourite beach during full moon and that's that.

[KatyaR]

17. Me, either--just find somewhere to get rid of the body.

There are so many better ways to remember someone than to sit and cry over a casket and a dead piece of flesh. Not that there'd be anyone at my funeral, anyway--the whole death thing is a total waste of money designed to fleece people in their time of grief.

[Bake]

13. I have but one simple request

Oh lay me down in Forest Lawn in a silver casket.
Put golden flowers over my head in a silver basket.
Let the drum and bugle corp blow taps while the cannons roar.
And sixteen liveried employees pass out souvenirs from the funeral store

I want to go simply when I go
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know
With a casket lined in fleece
And fireworks spelling out "rest in peace."
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn

Oh lay me down in Forest Lawn they understand there.
And they have a heavenly choir and a military band there.
Just put me in their care, I'll find my comfort there,
With sixteen planes and a last salute, dropping a cross in a parachute.

I want to go simply when I go.
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know,
With a hundred strolling strings
And topless dancers with golden wings.
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn

Oh, come, come, come, come,
Come to the church in the wild wood.
Kindly leave a contribution in the pail.
Be as simple and as trusting as a child would,
And we'll sell you the church in the dale.

To find a simple resting place is my desire.
To lay me down with a smiling face comes a little bit higher.
My likeness done in brass, will stand in plastic grass,
And weights and hidden springs tip it's hat to the mourners filing past.

I want to go simply when I go.
They'll give me a simple funeral there I know.
I'll lie beneath the sand
With piped in tapes of Billy Graham.
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn.

Rock of ages cleft for me
For a slightly higher fee.
Oh take me when I'm gone to Forest Lawn

-- words & music by Tom Paxton

That's all!

Bake

[kimmerspixelated]

14. ever considered donating your body to science?

Or maybe a organ doner kind of thing or both? You help your fellow man, and not only that,you can stop the vultures at those funeral empires from making a killing.

[bumblebee1]

18. More like Science Fiction

n/t

[Parche]

15. jazz

As long as they have Heineken I will be there!!!!!