Secret Military Briefing in Baghdad

[The Deacon]

We've obtained the transcript of the briefing given to military and embassy personnel in Iraq as they first learned they would be favored with a few minutes during the President's whirlwind trip to Baghdad:

Col. Schwarzdich: Okay, people, we only have a short time so we need to get started. First of all, need somebody to take down those "Hillary for President" posters. Sergeant? Thank you. People, PEOPLE - listen up, now. Uniform of the day will be desert camoflage...I know, I know, we only wear Class A Dress here in the Green Zone, but all of the grunts are out on the streets closing bridges and stopping all traffic so we need to appear like real soldiers for the photo op. And Private? If I see that "Whatever Happened to One Weekend A Month & Two Weeks A Year" t-shirt again I'm shipping your butt to Fallajah.
Now, we're going to have a lot of VIPs here so we're going to need some body armor and helmets (groans heard in background) No, I'm not going to ask you-all to give yours up - but I need somebody to go collect them from that National Guard MP unit outside Sadr City. Don't worry, they know you're coming so you won't have to get out of the armored personnel carrier. The tracked one this time, okay? Those new Stryker units couldn't stop a well-aimed slingshot. Last time one of you paper clip jockeys went joy-riding in one of those POS I had to get my own coffee for a week. Not easy getting replacements from the Pentagon, you know. The requisitions keep coming back stamped: You Have All The Troops Deemed Necessary. DR, SecDef
Now, on the subject of clapping and cheering - watch Mr. Tony Snow for guidance on that. White House Communications has written some appropriate words for you to cheer - anyone not interested in foot patrols of the Sunni Triangle would do well to commit them to memory. Mr. Snow? Tony? Well, we'll hear from Mr. Snow when he gets back from the latrine.
(inaudible) No, there won't be any turkey this time (applause) I know, I spent a week bent over the toliet myself last time - I believe the scientist who told them it was okay to carry a turkey all the way from Washington without refrigeration is the same one in charge of their Global Warming Office.
Oh, and Harry? Take that notice off the bulletin board. You know, the one that says "Gasoline is 50 cents a gallon at Ahmed's Amoco over on Freedom Boulevard at Democracy Avenue." Some snooping journalist might just take a picture of it and try to link it to Halliburton charging the rebuilding effort millions of dollars to import gasoline into Iraq.
I think that's it, folks, try to have some fun - remember, its just for a couple of hours.
HEY! I THOUGHT I TOLD SOMEBODY TO TAKE DOWN THOSE "Hillary for President" SIGNS - GET ON IT, PEOPLE!

[JeffR]

1. Killer

K&R!
:rofl:

[leftofthedial]

2. ROFLMAO

:spray:

:rofl:

[Spazito]

3. LOL!

Thanks for the laugh!

[EVDebs]

4. Reminds me of Col. Flagg in M.A.S.H. ! ROFLOL