Michael Chertoff's Next Vacation: New York

[tgnyc]

Michael Chertoff
Director, US Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC

Dear Michael:

As a life-long New Yorker, I'd like to invite you to spend your next vacation in New York City. I know it doesn't have any national monuments or icons or stuff like that, but you might find a few interesting sights to see nonetheless. I'd be honored to be your personal tour guide for a brief but pleasant stay in our little hamlet. We'll take a taxi from

Penn Station over to

Park Avenue, where your hotel room will be ready at the

Waldorf Astoria. You can change into comfortable clothing for our walk to

Grand Central Station, where we'll hop on a

New York City Subway to the

Bronx Zoo, after which we can skip over to

Yankee Stadium and catch a few innings of an afternoon game. Then we can catch a train down to

Central Park, for a leisurely stroll, before heading over to the

Metropolitan Museum of Art. What's that? You're not an art fan? No problem. We can head to the other side of the park to check out the

Museum of Natural History and the Hayden Planetarium. They got dinosaurs and space exhibits and whatnot. After you head back to your hotel room to change, we can check out the night time scene in

Times Square. It is not to be missed. That should be enough for day one.

On day two we'll get up early so we can do a stint on the morning shows of

ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and of course Fox News. (I'm assuming you don't want to bother with a visit to the New York Times).Then we can do a tour of the

United Nations before taking a boat to the

Statue of Liberty. I hear that the National Parks Service, which runs the monument, only allows a limited number of people to go to the top of the statue these days because of security reasons. That's hard to believe, isn't it Michael? Anyway, then it's off to the

New York Stock Exchange, where they'll probably let you ring the bell. Then we can walk across the

Brooklyn Bridge, where we'll take in stunning views of

Wall Street from across the East River. If you prefer the view from across the Hudson River, we can ride through the

Holland Tunnel to New Jersey. After an early supper at

Nobu, you have your choice of entertainment options: a

Broadway show, jazz at

Lincoln Center, or perhaps classical music at

Carnegie Hall. You're a basketball fan, you say? Too bad the Knicks aren't any good this year, or they'd be playing in the playoffs at

Madison Square Garden right now.

I know you're a busy man, Michael, so I wouldn't want to keep you any longer than a couple of days. But remember the best part: since New York doesn't have any national monuments or icons, you won't have to worry about being a victim of a terrorist attack while you're here. Not like Omaha, which received a huge boost in its Homeland Security grant this year. It must be hella scary over there.

So when are you coming Mike?

Best regards,

tgnyc

[Drum]

1. Nice!

good work, tgnyc!
:toast:

-Drum (also in nyc)

[tgnyc]

2. thanks