Advice to Staff of Elizabeth Dole & Suggested Form Letter for Constituents

[AmBlue]

{This gave me the biggest belly laugh........... Written by the husband of a dear friend..... Had to pass it along to my DU friends, who I know all could use a good laugh about now.}

Facsimile Letter to the Staff and Advisors to the
Honorable Senator Elizabeth Dole of North Carolina
[phone]


Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of the staff,

Christmas is over and you must be less than eagerly anticipating the pressures of your political environment. I sincerely hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas and pleasant moments with your loved ones. I suspect you work hard at what you do.

As one of Senator Dole’s constituents, and a frequent correspondent with her office, it has been part of your job to prepare answers to my inquiries and comments. Your task has been complicated by my forgetfulness to confine my letters to a single subject, requiring you to somehow combine one or more of the Senator’s carefully crafted, pre-written replies on matters anticipated to be of interest.

Please pass my compliments to the Senator. You’ve done a terrific job assumedly following her instructions to insure her answers are vague and so ambiguous that the Senator will surely be able to claim the proper stance on any subject, no matter the future outcome or consequences to her constituents and our nation. If I might, I suggest the Senator consider sending her replies over the internet to those of us with email addresses. Using email would save postage, and the Senator could easily attach a brief audio/video clip of herself waving the American flag and shagging to the accompaniment of patriotic music.

I also suggest that rather than taking the time and trouble to cut and paste various canned statements on multiple subjects into a single letter of reply, you might consider a pre-printed form letter that outlines the Senator’s views on multiple subjects. The Senator could quickly reply to a specific query and at the same time possibly answer other latent questions that might be the subject of a future letter.

Having some spare time available, and being incensed by what’s going on in Washington, I’ve taken the liberty of offering a few suggestions for such a form letter. Please see the attached pages. If nothing else, I hope my effort gives you pause to realize we citizens do care and are not simple minded, or at least gives you a laugh. You, like the rest of us, are working for a living and don’t control the “boss.”

Regards,
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

***********************************
SAMPLE ALL PURPOSE LETTER TO CONSTITUENTS:

Dear________________________,

Thank you for your letter. I’m consistently amazed that so many of you take the time to write since you must know by now that I truly could care less about what you think. I make it a priority to vote the party line so I don’t have to think about all the annoying complexities of what I’m voting on, or the possible impact of my vote on you folks back there in the sticks. And, with Bob getting a free lifetime supply of those pills he advertises, I’m worn slick by the time I get to the office anyway.

I do want to thank you for electing me. I get a nice salary, free healthcare, a nice pension, and lots of nice gifts from lobbyists who just love my hairdo. Gee, I bet you wish you had such a sweet deal! Please vote for me again, and maybe I’ll vote to do something to help ya’ll out someday.

In an effort to hold down government expense I’ve consolidated my thoughts on lots of issues and I hope one of my succinct little paragraphs below answers your question. I’ve cut way back on staff costs this way by simplifying the thought process required, and by farming out the task of responding to your letters to a firm in New Delhi, India.
All they do is fill in the date and your name, stuff the envelopes, and fill in your return address. Whooooeee...talk about cheap labor!

***

THE WAR IN IRAQ (no humor here)

In candor and truthfulness, most of us in Washington regret leading our nation into this war. We regret even more than we cannot figure out how to win this war and get our troops home, quickly, honorably, and safely. The fact that we are wasting billions of your hard-earned tax dollars on this endeavor is dwarfed by the horror of knowing so many fine men and women have lost their lives or have been terribly wounded, and knowing the immense pain we have visited upon their families and the hardships their families will face for years to come.

Frankly, like most members of Congress, I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. I can understand any frustration you might have regarding Iraq, and your desire to know the truth about why we went to war there. I don’t have any good answers, and doubt that any answers or explanations will be forthcoming from the current administration.

The solution to this dilemma should not involve partisan politics, and I am ashamed of how we in Congress are handling this mess. Please forgive us for failing you. Our people deserve better.

***

Illegal Immigration

Somebody mentioned to me that there are millions of illegal immigrants in North Carolina and that the cost to NC taxpayers for the illegals schooling, medical care, and often their imprisonment for serious crimes, is humongous. I’ve also heard these illegals, mostly Mexicans, work so cheap that some of our own fine folks can’t get a decent paying job. Some folks even complain that the people who hire these “undocumented workers,” as the politically correct like to say, are happier than pigs in warm mud that Congress refuses to enforce our laws on immigration or increase fines for hiring illegal workers...to the detriment of their fellow citizens.

I will give this problem my attention. If I decide to run for office again, somewhere around time of the next election I will start making strong statements about how this problem needs to be fixed. And, by that time it will be an even bigger problem, right? Now, you need to understand that if Wal Mart, the construction industry, or the poultry boys give me a few big ones, I may just say I’m appalled that the Clinton Democrats let this happen.

?Habla espanol?

***

Health Care

Why just the other day Bob and I were talking about how lucky we are to have you taxpayers provide us such wonderful health care at basically no cost to us personally. I mean, if we had to shuck out big bucks every month for health insurance we might have to stop eating twice a week at The Palms , fire one of our maids, or Bob might have to stop dipping snuff. Ouch!

Now lookee here.... I get as upset as anybody hearing about small children whose untreated teeth are rotting out or have some nasty disease because momma had to choose between medical care and eating. So, stop telling me about this stuff. It makes me cry and then my face looks like I got hit with a bag of nickels.

If Congress ponied up some kind of healthcare and pharmacy plan for everybody, we’d have to do something to control the outrageous profits in those industries so as not to really rupture you taxpayers. Well, if we did that, we’d loose some really fine campaign contributions, trips to beach resorts, golf outings, and so on. Get serious!! Next Question....

***

Fiscal Responsibility

I strongly believe we need to stop profligate and wasteful spending. I’m not going to do anything about it because if I did , it might apply to me. I mean, when I was in the Red Cross we had to spend big bucks to give some of Bob’s worn out campaign workers jobs, and that might have been seen as wasteful...or worse. And, who knows when we might need a bridge from Ocracoke to Bald Head Island.

If you middle class folks would stop whining and sniveling, buckle down and get a second night shift job, pay more tax, stop using gasoline and die young (so we could save Social Security) none of this would be a problem. I
recently got a nice raise. With your effort, it could have been more. Get cracking!!

Ha Ha! Just kidding. I plan to introduce legislation that, if passed, will allow the IRS to identify and euthanize our poor. Tom Delay will likely be hired to run this operation unless he goes to jail. This will save us tons of money on Medicaid, school lunches, Social Security disability payments, Tax credits to the poor, and so on. We will be solvent!

***

If you have some other nit-picking issue, like securing our borders, our ponderous and unfair tax code, campaign finance reform, eminent domain, the onerous bankruptcy law we just passed, and so on, let me know and I’ll have our team in New Delhi work on modifying this letter to include inane answers to your concerns.

Meanwhile, rest assured that I and many of my hardworking colleagues in both the House and Senate are doing our best to say whatever we think you want to hear so you will vote for us when we come up for re-election. This is not as easy as it seems. Doing so causes some of us, like Joe Liebermann, to appear as if we had rubber injected into our lips. Actually this is sort of an oral carpal tunnel syndrome caused by repeatedly talking out of both sides of our mouths.

It is truly an honor to be elected to pretend to represent the interests of North
Carolinians and to actually represent the best interests of the wealthiest citizens, banking groups, right wing religious nutcases, and paid lobbyists of our nation.

Facetiously yours,

Elizabeth Dole

[rodeodance]

1. te he.

[AmBlue]

2. just a little kick...

:kick:

[Tsiyu]

3. Awesome

:applause:

[Imalittleteapot]

4. Received 3 Hutchison FORM letters today.

I haven't opened them yet because I know exactly what they will say. Nothing. I don't want to ruin the evening by the disappointment I will feel, as always, that what I write matters not to Kay.

Your post gave me a giggle. Thanks. :applause: