Need proofreading help before I submit this letter

[CPMaz]

to my senator (gag, cough) :) and to the local newspaper....

Does it flow well (spelling, grammar, construction)? Does it work (make its point)? Is it over the top? I think it is ok, but could use a more objective opinion.

Thanks! :)
_______________________________________________________

Dear Senator Kyl:

It was revealed this week that the U.S. government has been gathering the phone records of millions of Americans. This has been done without probable cause or even rubber-stamp warrants from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.

During the resulting, and unsurprising uproar over this, you, as an elected representative of the people whose privacy was so baldly violated, opined that “This is nuts. We’re in (a) war. And you’ve got to collect intelligence on the enemy.”

Later, on a Fox News talk show, you added “every cops-and-robbers show that you see in prime time talks about this same kind of thing. They have a telephone number. 'Let's run a trace and see who else he called or who called him.' It's standard criminal investigative practice.”

Perhaps on TV it is, but whether on TV or in reality, it is NOT “standard criminal investigative practice” to gather the records of everyone. The practice that you are referring to involves specific research into a specific person’s records, when a judge has determined that there is probable cause to do so, and has issued a warrant.

Senator Kyl, with all due respect, when did WE become the enemy?

Given your history of contempt for your constituents (remember calling us ‘dupes’ for passing The Drug Medicalization, Prevention and Control Act in 1996?), and now considering us ‘enemies’, I have to ask you, do you really want to be our elected representative? If we are as foolish and even despicable as you have said, are we truly worthy of your services as our United States Senator?

Just something to think about as your reelection campaign gears up.

Your constituent,

[Viva_La_Revolution]

1. reelection should be re-election...

Other than that it's perfect!

Kyl's been PUNKED!!!

[alcibiades_mystery]

2. here ya go

Your text: During the resulting, and unsurprising uproar over this,
Should be: During the resulting, and unsurprising, uproar over this, OR
During the resulting and unsurprising uproar over this, OR

Your text: us ‘enemies’,
Should be: us ‘enemies,'

Otherwise, fine job.

[CPMaz]

3. Thanks to both of you!

Yeah, I should have known commas were going to get me into trouble. In my writing, they always seem to.

Corrections made.

Have a good night!

[susanna]

4. Love it...seriously. My only recommendation is...

...for some punch you might say this:

"Senator Kyl, with all due respect, when did WE, the people, become the enemy?"

[longship]

5. That's a nice letter.

I agree that it should be:

Senator Kyl, when did we, the people, become the enemy?

[dalaigh lllama]

6. Ohhh, I like it

You ask, is it over the top. In this day and age I don't think there's any letter too strong to send to these bozos. That said, here's some feedback for you:

1)You might want to remove the comma after 'resulting' in your second paragraph.

2)I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking if you are worthy of him, even if it's meant sarcastically. You might ask instead why we (the constituents) would wish to elect a man who felt himself an apt representative of a foolish, criminal constituency.

Great letter. The more(letters)the merrier, I say.

[CPMaz]

8. Thanks. Re: your 2nd point -

My asking him if we were worthy of his services *was* sarcasm. That was more for the letter-to-the-editor function (if it actually is published.) My goal was to get people to think the same way you did (i.e. - "why we (the constituents) would wish to elect" him again.)

Anyway, thanks for the help and have a great weekend!

[hyphenate]

7. A few of my suggestions:

Dear Senator Kyl:

It was revealed this week (It is a very weak beginning to start with a passive voice. You need to turn the sentence around to make it active voice. Perhaps something along the line of "As you are aware, USA Today broke with the news that phone records across the country were sold to the NSA by telephone companies....."

that the U.S. government has been gathering the phone records of millions of Americans. This has been done without probable cause or even rubber-stamp warrants from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.

During the resulting, (No comma needed here) and unsurprising uproar over this, you, as an elected representative of the people (comma needed here) whose privacy was so baldly (do you want "baldly" or "boldly"? Boldly sounds better. ) violated, opined that “This is nuts. We’re in (a) war. And you’ve got to collect intelligence on the enemy.”

Later, (comma not needed here) on a Fox News talk show, you added “every cops-and-robbers show that you see in prime time talks about this same kind of thing. They have a telephone number. 'Let's run a trace and see who else he called or who called him.' It's standard criminal investigative practice.”

Perhaps on TV it is, but whether on TV or (this phrase is not needed) in reality, it is NOT “standard criminal investigative practice” to gather the records of everyone (add, perhaps, "in the country"). The practice that you are referring to involves specific research into a specific person’s records, when a judge has determined that there is probable cause to do so, (comma not needed here) and has issued a warrant.

Senator Kyl, with all due respect, when did WE become the enemy?

Given your history of contempt for your constituents (remember calling us ‘dupes’ for passing The Drug Medicalization, Prevention and Control Act in 1996? substitute "one example of this were your comments in respect to: The Drug Medicalization, Prevention and Control Act), and now considering us ‘enemies’ (how about "recent revelations infer that you believe WE are the 'enemies'"), I have to ask you, (personally, I would exchange a long "em" dash instead of a comma here) do you really want to be our elected representative? If we are as foolish and even (take out even and just put in "as") despicable as you have said, are we truly worthy of your services as our United States Senator?

Just something to think about as your reelection campaign gears up.
I would substitute something like "Please take time to consider your position as our Senator at this time, and whether you are willing to risk re-election at a time when many of those who are following the Republican party line might be seriously in jeopardy of losing their jobs come this November."

Your constituent,

[BrownOak]

9. I took a different approach

Dear Senator Kyl:

During the resulting, and unsurprising uproar over the recently revelation that the US government has been gathering millions of phone records without probable cause, you, as an elected representative of the people whose privacy was so baldly violated, opined that “This is nuts. We’re in (a) war. And you’ve got to collect intelligence on the enemy.”

F**k you and f**k your hopes for re-election.

Strong letter to follow.

Regards,

[CPMaz]

11. Well....

In regards to "F**k you and f**k your hopes for re-election":

That was pretty much what I was thinking. But I have some hope that the letter would be published, and the local paper is a bit old-fashioned about language usage.

Too bad. The letters to the editor section would be a lot shorter (and more succinct, lol.)

[oxbow]

10. Be sure to send it by snail-mail

With a letter this good, they shouldn't be able to just hit delete and ignore it.

[BlooInBloo]

12. Small edit...

(1) "I have to ask you," should be "I have to ask you:" (colon, not comma).

(2) I dislike 1-sentence paragraphs. That's more of a personal taste thing tho....

(3) To drive the point home, you may wanna consider an extended closing like "your voting constituent".