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Date: April 14, 2006
To: George Bush
From: Karl Rove
Re: Getting those numbers up
As you know, I'm about to get my ass caught in the sling. Fitzgerald is closing in on me big time now, so this might be one of the last advisories I can offer you, Mr. President.
The poll numbers coming in are not looking good. We have worked with our polling partners to modify the current numbers, which still show you in the 30s. The real numbers are in the mid-20s. Cheney has finally hit the single digits at 8% approval. You are going to have to take drastic measures to change them. You're not going to like what I'm going to recommend, but this is the only way out for you now.
People think you're unapproachable, better than them, above them. We know this to be true, we're all superior to the disgusting, common American citizens. Our carefully screened public speaking events aren't changing the public perception of you the way we'd hoped. The expensive and constantly changing backdrops aren't working, either. The trips to China and Mexico did nothing for you. Even getting your buddy OBL (oops - forgot - shouldn't mention that, THAT ONE isn't out yet!) Even getting our undercover agent to do another video or taped announcement hasn't helped this time.
So, more drastic steps are going to have to be made. We've got to make those common American people feel like you're one of them. You know, the minorities, hillbillies, and such. We won't ask you to do anything really gross, like hug a gay person, or anything like that. But we might be able to find a nice black woman who would let you hug her for a photo op. We'll pay her, or kidnap her children, or have the local authorities harass her. We'll find some way to make it happen.
We want you to wear common clothes (you can still wear the $40,000 custom boots, but let's be discreet about it.) We'll have some outfits custom made for you to look like off the rack clothes. I know, I know, that's SO DISGUSTING - but necessary. People will be too stupid to tell they aren't the real thing. We'll get some Dockers labels to put on them or something like that so people will see that you're really just like them. You wear the same clothes, after all... (You and I know you really don't, but we've got to stoop to their level to get those poll numbers up.)
You'll appear at gas stations, talk with ordinary-type blue collar workers, have photo ops in areas hit by Hurricane Katrina, hang out with the common folk. We'll take pics of you building houses (you only have to appear to be working, you don't really need to DO anything helpful...) and people will see that you're just like them.
The people of America are too stupid to think for themselves, they will believe what they're told to believe. We'll get our media partners to run the stories the way we tell them to, heck, I'll even write the scripts for them and send them over. All they have to do is read it on air.
This should bolster your poll numbers, for now. Until, at least, another scandal hits. Like my indictment. Or that GOP sex scandal that's been brewing (don't worry, the media know not to mention Jeff...)
As always, let me know if you have any questions or comments, Mr. President. We need to roll this out quickly, we haven't got much time left.
Respectfully,
Karl Rove
:rofl:
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