More rights urged for birth mothers

[Samurai_Writer]

As a first mother/birth mother, I'm amazed at the findings of this report. Although I personally knew these things, for decades the adoption industry has ignored birth mothers and the effects of adoption on them. I'm beyond relieved to see the truth coming out about it, finally.

I would have posted this in GD, but I think it's a feminist issue, and honestly, the adoption threads in GD really upset me for the most part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW YORK — Mothers deciding to place their infants for adoption deserve
better counseling, more time to change their minds, and more support in
trying to keep track of the children they relinquish, a leading
adoption institute recommends in a sweeping new report.

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute said its report, being issued
Sunday, is the most comprehensive ever devoted to birth mothers, whom
it described as "the least understood and most stigmatized
participants" in the adoption process.

"Birth parents have been a population that has been neglected for so long _ just starting a
dialogue that respects them as flesh-and-blood human beings is really
important," said the institute's executive director, Adam Pertman.

The report focuses on U.S. mothers who voluntarily place infants for
adoption _ an estimated 13,000 to 14,000 such adoptions occur annually.
Most of this country's roughly 135,000 adoptions each year are from
foster care; the next biggest category is overseas adoptions.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/nation/4346476.html

[bloom]

1. I saw that article

in today's paper - and I thought of you meeting your son.


I think of how I could have made that decision 25 years ago - and I could easily be where you are today - about to meet my son - and it's hard to imagine.


I think of my niece and I wonder about her child that she put up for adoption about 5 years ago. And how weird that is - just being an aunt. My mother who would be considered a greatgrandmother, my sister who would considered be a grandmother - but they aren't - because the child is not spoken of.


I've long thought - that women should be able to have some contact with their child - even if it's once a year or something.

[Samurai_Writer]

2. I would urge you to speak to your niece

I spent the first 13 years after my son's adoption in silence, because the counsellors and social workers all said "You'll forget about this and go on with your life... you'll get married and have more children." Like you, my parents and siblings didn't speak of it, because they thought I was 'over it' and didn't want to dredge up bad memories for me. Later, I found out that my mom and dad spoke about my son often, wondering about him to each other. While I endured in silence, because I was convinced I wasn't SUPPOSED to talk about it.

Your niece might be at the point, 5 years after the adoption, where she needs someone she can talk to about it. It won't hurt to try.

[bliss_eternal]

3. I've never understood that thinking...

that "...you'll forget about this...go on w/your life..." Of course people go on with their lives, but who can say that they don't or won't wonder about that child? I would think there's always a sense of where are they? What is their life like? Do they think about me?

I know if I was in that position, I would wonder about such things. :(

:hug:RadFemFl

[Warpy]

4. Most of it comes from MEN

who think surrendering your child is the same as giving away an extra puppy. Never mind that child has grown within you for 9 months and that you risked your life to produce it. It's just like getting over a cold, you'll be back to normal, you didn't want the kid anyway, don't think about it and it'll all go away.

I'm glad somebody's finally discovering birth mothers as human beings with needs and rights.

[bliss_eternal]

5. Isn't it interesting the same men's view on abortion...

how it will "destroy" a woman's life and most will never recover from it? :eyes:

A procedure most aren't even awake for vs. carrying a pregnancy full term, going into labor, laboring anywhere from a few hours to a few days to deliver the child--possible c-section and scars, or vaginal birth, tears and any residual stretch marks as a reminder of carrying the child.

Yet another reminder of how wrong it is to allow men to make choices for women--choices they obviously have no understanding of.

[Samurai_Writer]

6. Correction about the abortion procedure

You are awake for it. But a first trimester abortion takes less than five minutes, and you are on sedatives during it.

But I completely agree with your point. I've had both an abortion and surrendered a child for adoption. There's no comparison. Surrendering a child for adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. That experience shaped my entire psyche, my entire life, the way I raised my subsequent children, etc.

[bliss_eternal]

7. They try to tell US what we feel...

and they haven't got a clue.

I've accompanied a couple of gf's for first trimester abortions here. They weren't awake. I believe they were under general anesthesia, because they gave them instructions on not eating and drinking the night prior, etc. :shrug: Does that aspect vary depending on where one has the procedure (i.e. hospital, clinic, etc.) The clinics I've volunteered with (I think...could be wrong)use general, unless someone requests a sedative instead.

Again--I'm so very sorry about your having to surrender your child. I can't even begin to imagine the emotional impact this experience has had on you and your family now. :hug: I can empathize and sympathize (and I do empathize)--but that isn't the same as having experienced it personally.

[defendandprotect]

9. No man will ever stand with a newborn having just left his body . . . considering

giving the child up for adoption!!!

I agree with more rights for these women --

and bless those who have fought so long and hard to open up this issue and the info ---

[ThomCat]

8. It is an appalling bit of hypocrisy.

But when has there ever been any shortage of that. x(

[lizerdbits]

10. Weird, it's telling me there's no such article

But this reminds me of my aunt who got pregnant at 17 (strict Catholic family). She lived with my mom during pregnancy (the old 'live with her sister') and due to the family situation and being the late 60's her only option was adoption if she wanted to still have a family and not be dirt poor with a child on her own. She had one baby picture that my grandmother tore up, after all she had "shamed" the family by getting pregnant without being married. I don't know if her 2 later in-marriage children know about it, my sister and I were told as teenagers as an example of "we will NOT do this to you if you get pregnant" so we wouldn't either get an unsafe abortion or run off with some guy. I'd like to ask her about it, but of course it never happened. :cry: Plus she may not want to discuss it. I guess the good outcome of this was my sister and I having more information and more options had we become pregnant. My mom couldn't change her sister's situation but she could prevent her daughters from going through it.

[Samurai_Writer]

11. This thread is over a year old

The article is probably archived by now.

Most birthmothers from that era were treated like your aunt was. Heck, I surrendered my son for adoption in 1978 and it wasn't much better. But I can guarantee you that she didn't forget, and she might appreciate being able to talk to someone about it.

You can read my story at http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/2991/marybb.html

[lizerdbits]

12. Ah well that explains it

Your experience with the birth father sounds similar to my aunt. I don't know if he was well off but it was the "I'll love you forever if you have sex with me" bit and then *poof*. That's how my mom tells it anyway.

[BlueIris]

13. I was hoping someone would kick this thread. Thanks, RadFemFL!

I'm embarrassed to post that I meant to kick this a while ago, but then I couldn't find it so I didn't. Bad BlueIris.

The statistics alone are horrifying (13,000-14,000 voluntary adoptions annually—like, they can't get us an exact number? WTF?) and educational.

I have been doing more reading about adoption from a feminist perspectively lately, so this article and discussion are important to me. Very informative.