my "being single" vent for the day...

[melnjones]

Within the last four days, two different coworkers approached me wanting to set me up with guys they know. Why do I need to be dating? Why am I made to feel like some kind of a freak for being single and content? Right now I'm not dating and not looking to be. People act like that's some kind of sickness that with time I'll surely be cured of. I saw some email surveys sent to me by my sister...you know, the stupid forwards. I was bored and decided to fill it out myself. How many questions do we really need about being "in love" with someone? As if the love I feel for those closest to me is somehow less because it's not "romantic." So what, I'm doomed to a life of mediocre "love" if I never marry? Load of crap. Here I am, going into the ministry in a typically conservative Christian movement as a single female. I feel like I have to constantly justify my single state, because clearly no normal, healthy, straight female my age would be not actively seeking out a mate. Seriously...if some great guy came along and I thought we would work out well together, I'd give it a chance. I'm not in need of a mate though. I'm fully capable of supporting myself, owning my house (and repairing it), making important decisions, etc without the help of a male mate. Sorry, just needed a little vent so maybe I can sleep. Can anyone else relate to this?

[raccoon]

1. Yes! I certainly can.

People rarely suggest fixing me up with somebody these days (think it's because of my age), which is OK with me.

"because clearly no normal, healthy, straight female my age would be not actively seeking out a mate."

A lot of people, sadly, think that way. Some people can't BELIEVE I've never been married.

" Seriously...if some great guy came along and I thought we would work out well together, I'd give it a chance."I'm not in need of a mate though. "

Same here. Don't know who said it, but "It's better to BE single than to WISH you were."

[MuseRider]

2. Amen...

"It's better to BE single than to WISH you were." from a married woman who often longs for the solo life. Marriage is OK but it isn't the dream a lot of women want you to believe unless you are very very lucky. Most of those problems are brought on by society not your mate.

Maybe they just want you to be miserable too? ;)

[raccoon]

3. Could be...whoever said "Misery loves company" sure had that right. nt

[Greyhound]

9. In fact, it demands it. n/t

[StellaBlue]

4. Kindred spirits

I am in the same boat.

Feeling a bit ambivalent about a date I'm going on tomorrow night. The whole concept just seems... silly... to me.

I am pretty well content with the likely fact that I will be a spinster. If I can afford it, I'll adopt kids. If someone really great comes along, maybe... but I'm 27 and have had my heart broken twice, and don't have a lot of faith in the whole idea of someone else completing me, sorry.

Bravo to you. You're not alone.

[melnjones]

7. I'd like to adopt as well.

I like the freedom that singleness gives you. How many guys would be willing to not have biological children, but adopt internationally and interculturally? That's the kind of stuff I want to do in life, but I've met few men (ok, none) who would think that was a good idea. I just have no desire to bring another life into the world through my body.

On the other hand, in my relatively young age I've found that animals make wonderful "kids" and companions. Kinda fits the spinster stereotype, but I would have a hard time imagining a more joyful environment than my self-made zoo. As I type this, the stray kitten I'm caring for (that I'll probably end up keeping because I can't find him a home) just fell asleep beside me on the bed with his head on my chest (I'm laying down with my laptop), and he's purring. I think God gave us animals to make up for the many stupid people that have populated the earth.

Why is it so hard to convince people that being single, living with my animals and housemates, and being involved in the lives of my friends, neighbors, and church makes for a very lovely life?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

5. I'd love to share my life with someone BUT...

I'm not willing to "settle," and a lot of my relatives think I should. I'm supposed to get all enthusiastic about some guy whose main "virtues" seem to be that he has a good job and won't beat me up. Whoopee!

Now that I'm too old to have children, I have no reason to take up with anyone who can't be a true companion. It's true that I've been alone too much of my life (living in a small town for seven years in my thirties didn't help), but I look at some of the couples I know, and I realize that being single is far from the worst fate in the world.

However, then I see the couples who are really on the same wavelength with each other, and I get very wistful.

[melnjones]

6. I've found that

amazingly strong friendship can be found in people of the same gender, but society is homophobic and scared of it. We put the romantic heterosexual relationship on such a freaking pedestal that we forget to invest in our same-gender relationships. I've known my best friend for over two years now and we've built this beautiful platonic relationship that I could have never pictured for myself, but it has been really tough. Developing any relationship is HARD WORK, and with society being so fixated on pouring energy into the opposite gender mate who is supposed to complete us, it leaves little energy for friendships. That has been one of the biggest helps in accepting singleness...I have wonderful friends, male and female, who love and support me.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. Well, I'm lucky in that I have a lot of single women friends, but

as the French say, "Vive la difference!" I like that men are sort of a different species, although I hate the way that boys and men are pressured to act in this society, the whole macho, sports-obsessed type who has a whole laundry list of things that "real men don't do."

[geniph]

14. Lydia, it is far better to be alone and sometimes wish you were not,

than to not be alone, and to desperately wish that you were. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship you wish to be out of. It is far, FAR better to sometimes be wistful about one's solitude.

Never settle. If the right person comes along, bonus. If not, always remember that being partnered does not mean you will not be lonely. Far too many people lead lives of great loneliness inside their marriages.

[spooky3]

10. I think they mean it as a compliment

unless they are making comments that suggest that you are somehow deficient or needy, or otherwise behave inappropriately, or if these male friends of your friends are people that clearly are not likely to be people you have something in common with. I realize that covers a lot of ground and that may be exactly what they doing, and there's no excuse for that. But if that is not the case, the compliment is that they think you are an attractive person whom they like. If they didn't, they would not waste their time trying to introduce you to their other friends, whom they also presumably like. And, assuming that they are not, I will give them more credit than I give people (it's always married men, by the way) who ask me why I am not dating anyone, etc., but NEVER bother to introduce me to nice single men that they might know. The best way to meet people you will like (for friendships or more) is through mutual friends. But it has to be done in a positive way, not with pity or condescenscion.

[Warpy]

11. Yes, I can. After 15 years of watching a nice guy turn himself

into an alccoholic, I'd had enough and walked. The one thing I knew for certain is that I never wanted to be married again, not ever. I don't give a rip if Prince Charming comes along. He can visit once in a while and I'll enjoy his company, but he's gonna go home and pick his own wet towels off the bathroom floor.

My mother noticed my lack of interest in men and dating and asked me if I were a lesbian. It would have been a perfect Hallmark moment, but alas, I'm not.

My ex must've had a much better time being married because he's on #4 now.

In know women who are divorced, widowed, and never married who are happy being alone and not looking for a mate. It's not as rare as you've been made to feel. You have a lot of company out here in Singleladyland.

[prole_for_peace]

12. before i met my current bf i was single for about 5 years.

i was in my mid twenties and it just freaked people out. they were ALWAYS trying to fix me up with someone. then i would get the "you're too picky" speech. TOO PICKY??!! let's see: a guy who has a steady job so i don't have to support his lazy ass, a guy who has a sense of humor, a guy who LIKES women for themselves not for their anatomy, a guy who will treat me as an equal and with respect....

that used to piss me off so much. just because they would meet a guy at a bar and go home with him didn't mean i had too.

and i still get crap now that i am in a relationship. we have been together for almost 12 years and it is amazing how many people think it is their business to ask about marriage and children. maybe / maybe not to the first and HELL NO to the second.

damn people are nosey...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. Back in my teaching days, I had an older single woman colleague who said

"I'd like to be married on weekends and in the summer, but otherwise, I'm too busy."

As I grow older, the idea of Woody Allen-Mia Farrow type arrangement (without the soap opear complications) sounds better and better: be monogamous (including keep one's amorous attentions away from the S.O.'s children :-) ), but have your own space.

[bleedingheart]

15. when I got out of college and wasn't married....everyone was setting me up

and it was annoying...

the best "potential" suitor was my Aunt's pick of the week....he was her husband's 45 year old nephew who lived at home with his parents and who was "picky"....and since I was only 22 at the time...boy oh boy...wouldn't I be just perfect for him....NOT