Something I was thinking today about perfectionism

[Hello_Kitty]

Women will be truly equal when we can be mediocre. Women are routinely portrayed as saintly wives and mothers or hard-charging career women. Always super competent either way. If a woman is in a male-dominated field she'll usually be described or describe herself as twice as good as the guys. It's like that's our baseline, the bare minimum. Women are also supposed to have all sorts of fascinating hobbies and interests and be very involved in their communities. I know there are a lot of women out there that are like that but what about those of us who are more like Bridget Jones than Hillary Clinton?

Me, I've never married or had children. It's not because I've dedicated myself to my career, because frankly I'm not a huge success there either. That's not self-deprecation, I'm being honest I've only recently gotten involved in politics. Sometimes my life feels like this big struggle where I'm foundering along without the instruction manual everyone else got. I try very hard not to compare myself to others and that helps me to not become discouraged. I'm a late bloomer and there are definitely advantages to that.

I've noticed when I say to people that I was a fuckup when I was younger they are really shocked. But I was a fuckup, there's no getting around that. Not in a really bad way. I wasn't a criminal or anything but I definitely did some stupid things with my life and wasn't living up to my potential. Guys wear that stuff like a badge of honor but I get told "Don't say that about yourself!". Why not? Why can't we be stupid too? I'm not saying that we should be stupid but I'm saying we should be allowed to acknowledge being stupid. Or that we suck at something. How can you ever become good at something if you can't suck at it first? Women aren't allowed to suck at doing anything.


I guess my point, if I even have one, is that women are limited by this idea that we have to be perfect at everything we do and if we're not, we'd better not mention it. Or something like that. Does that make sense to anyone?

[Heddi]

1. It makes perfect sense

I'm 29, in the middle of a 2 year Nursing Program, married to a 32 year old man who is getting ready to start a 2 year nursing program, have no kids, still rent, live at poverty level (altho we have a great savings and want for nothing). But I feel like I constantly have to 'explain' away the nonconformity of our lives to people all the time.

I find that the first hurdle I face is educating people on what a nurse is. We're not Dr's handmaidens. We're not dr's assistants. Dr's aren't our bosses. We're a completely different monkey from physicians, and carry out a completely different role. I could have very well gone to Medical School had I wanted to spend the inordanate money and time in order to do so. While the money an MD makes is heads above what I'll make as an RN, I'm not into nursing because of the money. I wouldn't want to go to school for 14 years PAST high school just so I can see patients 5 minutes a day. I like the interaction. Yes, I wipe butts, but I also do alot more meaningful and important things as well. And yes, wiping butt is a very important thing. It's a personal thing, and I treat it with the utmost respect and candor that I can. It allows me to check for pressure sores. It allows me to check for skin breakdown. It allows me to assess the patient's GI tract. It's not just wiping ass--it's a part of caring for the patient.

The second hurdle I have to face is explaining to people WHY we don't have kids. We're not childLESS..we're childfree. If we wanted to be parents, we would be parents. Our lives are lacking in nothing by not having children, and I feel like everyone who finds out that I'm (Gasp) 29 and (gasp!) married and (gasp!!!) don't have kids automatically thinks that my uterus is broken. "When are you going to have kids?" I don't know. "Do you think you'll have them in the future?" I don't know. "Doesn't your mom want grandkids?" (I'm an only child). If she wants a kid, she can very well go out and adopt one herself. It's a constant battle to educate people that I do not need offspring to make myself a 'complete' person. I'm responsible. I'm normal. There's nothing abnormal about not just not HAVING kids, but not WANTING to have kids. But that idea just doesn't make its way through the thick skull of the (far too many) women who believe you're not a "True" human unless you've squirted out a few writhing babies by the time you're 21.

Then I face the hurdle of not meeting society's standards (in any way) of what a woman should look like, should do, should think, etc. I own dresses, and it's been YEARS since I've worn them. I don't wear makeup. I don't do my hair (other than putting it in a ponytail). I don't spend inordinate amoutns of money on potions and lotions and doo-dads and gee-gaws to use as ornaments of the body. Just recently in school a woman I go to school with (she just turned 21) was adamant about asking me EVERY SINGLE DAY why I don't wear makeup. Telling her repeatedly that I didn't like it and didn't find it necessary didn't abate her. She was more than willing to point out a blackhead here, a pimple there, and how I really should 'Take better care of myself'---I finally broke down and LIED and told her I was really allergic to chemicals and that's why I don't wear makeup. Then she started in on "Why don't you put lotion on your legs? They're SO DRY...look..." and she drew her finger down my leg to make an "Ash line". As if I cared. They could dust away for all I care, but it was a REAL BIG issue to her.

---
There is the need to be perfect and I think it's because of not just marketing (as in a commercial), but in TV shows as well.

Look at the new 'trend' in Reality TV---and this is the reason I can't stand to watch TLC except for when Trauma:Life in the ER is on---every show is a makeover show. Either makeover your house, your face, your life, your job. It stresses the message that NO MATTER what you look like, you'll never look as "good" as you could. No matter how nicely you decorate your home, it's not as "Good" as it would be if you'd just spend a few tens of thousands of dollars and gut the whole crackerbox and HIRE AN INTERIOR DECORATOR.

MTV is filled with them as well: I Want A Famous Face, where people undergo surgery to look like their favourite celebrities. I've watched this and asked my husband if it was weird watching people with obvious mental illnesses for entertainment purposes.

MTV Cribs: No matter how much money you have, you'll never have as much as THEM! Even if you DO, you'll NEVER be as rich as Shaq, or as cool as Shaq. Or as nifty neat-o as Shaq.

Our teeth are never white enough (Crest! white strips!), we're never skinny enough (TrimSpa Baby, yeah!). We're never rich enough (MTV Cribs, Celebrity shows, E! Television, etc). We're never pretty enough (I want a famous face! Got extra facial hair, use the EpiShave!) We never dress nice enough (All those makeover shows). Our housese are never nice enough (ditto makeover shows).

We're constantly being told that NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, we're just not GETTING IT. These TV shows (which are really nothing more than 30-60 minute clever commercials) are telling us that ONLY with their help can we even come CLOSE to being perfection. Being normal. Being pretty. Being acceptable.

The thing about those makeover shows---they're just so FUCKING MEAN to the people they're making over. This is supposed to be about being your best and looking your best---hard to do when hidden cameras show women in their garden in !gasp! TUBE TOPS AND SHORT SHORTS and oh god I can't believe she wore THAT out of the house ha ha ha look at her thighs ha ha ha ha HONEY, Have you ever SEEN a mirror?

They're just so cruel and engage friends and family of the makeover-ee to be cruel and mean as well. Pointing at fat rolls, ugly shirts, pants that are too tight. It's digusting, and when I see these shows (which is just in passing), I feel like I'm back in high school, with the pretty taught cheerleaders pointing and laughing at the poor girl who can't help but wear hand-me-down bellbottoms (in 1989 of all years) because that's all her family can afford.

Sickening.

Sorry for the long-winded :)

[all.of.me]

3. i can't STAND those makeover shows!

i don't watch tv, but my kids do. one show they watch (especially my 15 year old) is 'what not to wear.' she says she is going to put ME on it! hahaha

anyway, whenever i catch it, i am appalled at how those two hosts treat the guests. they tell them over and over how horrible they look in the clothes that express who they are! these poor people (mostly women) all look very uncomfortable with this. i would CRY! i told my daughter to not even THINK of putting me on that show, because i would burst into tears to be spoken to the way those two hosts do. ugh.

they also put THEIR ideas of fashion onto you and your lifestyle. i live in a very casual place. no one owns a tie, formal wear is clean jeans or shorts in summer. we all wear a lot of second hand clothes. there is a LOT of mud. you get dirty just getting into your car. the mud never comes off your shoes - it is tenacious. i wear sweats all winter long, even when i go out. in summer, i do landscaping and come home to put on an old house dress (like a good 50s woman! haha). i'll even go to town in it. my life does NOT fit into THEIR fashion statement! and mine can't be the only one.

i also like my hair short and gray, i don't pluck my eyebrows or wear make-up. i don't shave my legs, and if i can get away with it, i don't wear a bra, and i'm large breasted.

it INFURIATES me to see the hosts of this show trying to change the way people look, which is a direct expression of themselves. i think it is dehumanizing, and it must be demoralizing (esp when they throw you favorite clothes in the trash).

[Heddi]

4. I completely agree

THey had one woman on some show that worked 2 jobs, had 4 kids, and was a volunteer. Her "friends" were so dismayed that she GASP prefered to wear baggy shorts, t-shirts, flip-flops WHEN SHE GOES GROCERY SHOPPING!!! Oh my god the fucking horror of it all.

The hosts AND her friends were so fucking rude to her. Called her 'dumpy', her clothes made her look 'like her old fat self', etc. Then they had her kids on and they were saying how they were SO EMBARASSED when their mom would pick them up from school, and how HORRIFYING it was to go shopping with their mom (Clue: Every child between 12 and 19 years is embarassed of their parents NO MATTER WHAT THEY WEAR. EVERY CHILD IS HORRIFIED TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH THEIR PARENTS).

The poor woman looked like she would have just offed herself if a razor was within easy reach. They dyed her hair (which made her look about 10 years older), gave her stodgy, uptight clothing, earrings, heels. She was a 'good player' and went along with everything, but in the end, said that while she appreciated everyone's efforts, she was dead fucking tired at the end of the day from working 2 jobs and being a FT parent AND volunteering on weekends and the last thing she needed in her life was hair that took 45 minutes to get right, and an outfit that had to be dry-clean only.

The hosts were HORRIFIED. I mean, how could ANY forward-thinking woman NOT WANT a complete makeover and ugly wardrobe?????? Horror of fucking horrors. The friends were nonplused and the kids, at the end, hugged their mom and said they loved her just how she was. I wondered if they were 'put up' to talking bad about their mom in order to be on TV.

I'm big breasted too and hate wearing a bra. I get teased alot by people I go to school with, but ya know how I feel about it---what the fuck are they doing looking at my boobies in the first place? I can't tell if someone's wearing a bra or not, regardless of their breast size (people running not being counted). WHo gives a shit if I'm wearing a bra or not? I'm not wearing see-through or sheer clothing, I'm not wearing tight or revealing clothing. I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I've had them come up and put their hands on my back to see if I'm "Hanging Free". My advice: Get a fucking hobby if the only thing of interest in your life is whether or not I'm wearing a fucking bra.

I'm sure their hair would fall out if they knew I didn't always wear underwear either!!!!!

[all.of.me]

6. ( i never wear underwear.... )

[Heddi]

8. WHORE! HARLOT! SLUT! WONTON SEX FIEND!!!!!

HOw dare you...didn't you know God created underpants JUST SO WE COULD WEAR THEM and get wonderful things like bacterial vaginosis and candidiasis from wearing undies that are too tight and unbreathable? Why, that's just scandalous!!! You should be ashamed!

Unshaven legs, no bra, and no underpants. Why. I. Never. In. All. My. Life.

:passing out from shock:

ha ha

[all.of.me]

9. oh yeah... i forgot to mention....

i don't shave my armpits either.......

:rofl:

[Warpy]

5. I'll give you my line for when somebody tries to criticise me

for being overweight, over 50, unconcerned with my looks opposed to my comfort, and makeup free:

"I am exactly the way god made me, and if it's good enough for god, it oughta be good enough for YOU!"

Or, when somebody really chaps my arse, "So? I don't have to look at it, that's your problem. Fuck off."

Those makeover shows are awful if the one I saw is any indication. They take people who aren't perfect but who have interesting faces and nip and chop and tuck and botox them into cookie cutter blandness.

I'll take my lumps and bumps and sags, thanks. I've earned every one of them.

[all.of.me]

7. yup, i always tell people that this is what i look like, so there.

[Hello_Kitty]

16. Thank you

I see you get what I'm talking about. I too am regarded as something of a freak because I followed neither the marriage/family script nor the career one. Frankly, neither of them appeal to me and unfortunately, I'm not very artistic.

These images of women have a strong impact on people's own behavior and in their attitudes toward others. And oh my god are those makeover shows awful!! I actually used to enjoy a few of them until I noticed the people around me appeared to be taking them very seriously, so much so that they felt entitled to point out the grooming and sartorial flaws of everyone. Right to their faces, as with the fellow student of yours. As if there hasn't been enough of a decline in basic courtesy, now you'll have women walk right up to you and tell you that you should think about getting your eyebrows waxed.

Ditto with the home shows. They might even be worse. It seems like everyone I know is constantly futzing around with their house. Everytime I ask someone how they're doing I get a litany on the tiling, painting, and landscaping projects they are undertaking, on what were in my opinion perfectly good houses. Home Depot and Lowe's are a total racket IMHO. Why is it that DIY stuff seems to cost as much, or more as getting someone to do it for you? It's yet another goddamned competitive pressure foisted on us by the media. Screw Martha Stewart. I don't think she should've been sent to jail for those bogus charges, but I never could stand her ass.

One more thing. When I think of the people whom I most admire because of their occupation, nurses top the list. That's not just a platitude either. Anyone who has dealt with a sick or dying family member and seen the work that these caring professionals do under some really difficult circumstances knows that it's one of the most challengings jobs you could have. Handmaiden, hardly!

[geniph]

17. I find the media image of the Superwoman so tiring

Look, I don't cook. I don't decorate (I like things very plain, it's cleaner that way). I have no aspirations to be some kind of fashion icon. I'm not into "crafts" - making stuff bores me. I don't have or want children. My job is what I do to earn a living - and I'm good at it, but it's not my LIFE.

I don't want to "perfect" myself, my home, my husband. I just want to BE. I want to go home after work and quietly read a book. I don't want to have the perfect house, the perfect garden, spend all my spare time DOING. I just want to BE in peace. But I'm a woman, so that is somehow suspect. A guy can rush home from work and collapse on the couch with a beer in front of the boob tube, and that's somehow okay. Maybe it's that men's work is still seen as more "serious," so it's implicitly considered to be more exhausting or something. But people expect women to put in another full shift of a different kind of work when they get home.

Hmm. I guess this topic kind of hit a sore point with me.

[lukasahero]

18. "not a "True" human unless you've squirted out a few writhing babies"

Great rant (I've been catching up this morning and have enjoyed reading all of your posts). Being child-FREE at (OMG!) 42, I just wanted to clarify one point on this comment of yours - you probably know this and were just being fair, but the real thought/feeling behind this is that you are not "a "True" WOMAN unless you've squirted out a few writhing babies".

My husband doesn't get babies shoved in his face at gatherings, he doesn't have to answer the "when are you going to have children", "you'll wish you had children when you're old" rants. It's not about being human, it's what some people believe being a woman is. But you probably kow that about were just being polite. ;)

Thanks for the great rant. Oh, and since I was visiting my very sick and aging aunt in the hospital yesterday and know what nurses do and how much they offer their patients, thank you for that, too.

[all.of.me]

2. it's part of that other thread we had going

the one about conservative women being feminists. something like that. society's view of women is to be quiet, act like everything is ok even when it isn't, act coy and demure, show nothing - no emotions, no opinions. act dumb if you are smart. it's horseshit.

i am very open about who i am, but thankfully i live in a town full of people like me. but now and then, i get a look like someone thinks i'm nuts, because i told them exactly what kind of day i'm having, or i mention that me and my kids all go to counseling, or whatever. i imagine this kind of honesty is not acceptable in other parts of the country or world, but it is who i am, and i am not going to hide that beauty!

[bleedingheart]

10. I am here to tell you that even if you do it ALL...it won't be enough

then you will be an over-reaching shrew...

Oh to see the day that women can just be treated like human beings...

[Kenneth ken]

11. makes sense to me sort of.

except I see it more as a societal thing that affects both sexes. To the powers that be, we all are expected to play the dual role of cog in ever-increasingly productive business as well as the insatiable consumer.

The reward for being a good, effective cog is that one gets more money to help buy the products that stave off the relentless not-good-enough-buy-this-and-be-more-acceptable marketing that drives consumerism.

Rather than being mediocre, we will all be equal when we can be real people and not simply cogs and consumers.

I've pretty much always known that I didn't fit into society's standards, and struggled with that for years. It was only when I decided that since society rejected me, that it was fair that I reject it as well that life started working well for me.

I'm much more content with my life, even though I am aware I "don't measure up"

:hi: from ken, who didn't get the manual either :)

[all.of.me]

12. oh god, that makes sense

"The reward for being a good, effective cog is that one gets more money to help buy the products that stave off the relentless not-good-enough-buy-this-and-be-more-acceptable marketing that drives consumerism."

take me OUT of that cycle! actually, like you, i am out of it. i just don't fit in. and that's fine by me.

[Hello_Kitty]

15. Oh sure, guys are under a lot of pressure too

But what I'm saying is at least your underachieving brethren are represented, even if it's not necessarily in a flattering light. It seems like there is no image of women available except nurturing stay-at-home mom or hard-charging executive. Frankly, I don't want to be either.

And you're right, it is all about consumerism.

[libodem]

13. Perfection is a masculine trait

they want things staid. Once it's done they want permanence. Women are fluid and moving. Women are radiant. We have radiant life giving energy. We are actually like the sun. We have the active energy. Men are the deep cold silent abyss. We have all boughten in to a concept that men are the Sun Gods and we are the Quiet Earth energy. That's backward. Masculine is the death and the dark. Women are the light and the sun. It has been part of the doublespeak of eons that Men represent the light and the life. They seek it in women. That is why men want to be active to overcome their inertia. Women want to fill the void. Cleaning up after everyone. Oh, hell i don't know what I'm talking about...i read it in a book somewhere and have been trying to assimilate the concept ever since.....anyway thats why the democratic party is fluid and feminine and radiant and life affirming and that's why the republican party is masculine and dark and all ways right, and perfect, and unchanging, and strong, but dark and deathly and cruel and unforgiving and unfair and unjust and unloving and unpeaceful and mean and vicious and hateful and ugly and and tries to suck in everything it can it's greedy way and keep it for themselves ok end of rant

[geniph]

14. To be taken seriously,

a woman has to do twice as much work, at double the quality of a man.

Fortunately, this is not difficult.

That's an old t-shirt slogan with more than a bit of truth to it. There are still those who think every woman must excel or she's letting down "the team." I'm sure there are people in the African-American community who feel the same way, that they have to be the best students, the most compulsive workers, the most dedicated parents, or else they're "setting a bad example."

We'll know we've made progress when we're not expected to be role models all the time.