aaaacckkkkkk!

[legally blonde]

I NEED HELP!

For background, see my previous post: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=325x788

This past week my ex emailed me, saying how much he misses me, wanting to try again, pleading me to take him back, begging for forgiveness. I told him that I needed space for at least 2 months so I can really concentrate on getting my life together (I have a job interview on Tuesday). Thursday I told him specifically not to contact me for 2 months and I would contact him. Yesterday (Friday) he sent me a dozen red and white roses, with a note saying more of the same and that he can't live without me.

The problems were not just between us, however. It's also his mother. She's crazy--she called me the night was finally ended things to tell me to stay away from her son and called me a whore, among other things. Nice, huh? She's 90% responsible for our breakup in the first place, because he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her.

I can't go back to a relationship with him at this point, and I told him that. I just don't think he gets it.

[Longhorn]

1. I have to agree with you.

Until he makes it clear to his mother to butt out, this relationship doesn't have a chance.

Frankly, I'm not surprised to read about this turn of events. I didn't comment on your first post because I didn't have anything to add but the entire breakup was so sudden, especially after the engagement, that I thought he'd have second thoughts. That doesn't mean it is still a good idea -- sometimes relationships go through rough times like these and end up being successful and sometimes they go through a couple of "last gasps" before they die.

My husband and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary in March. We experienced a milder version of what you're going through before we got married. His mother didn't like me and she tried, though much more subtly, to get her son away from me. While my husband did get cold feet and almost called our wedding off, he never suggested a complete breakup and one little chat with me changed his mind.

At first, I didn't know how his mother felt about me, though she was less than thrilled when she found out we were expecting our first child. When our oldest was about six months old (and we had been married 3-1/2 years) we had a big fight and he went home for a few days. His mother tried like hell to get him to leave me but he refused. I swore I'd never forgive her for advising her son to leave his wife and baby daughter, but soon after, she found out she had breast cancer so she had other things on her mind for the next five years and I couldn't stay angry at her. Meanwhile, I had three more children (including twins.) I spent a lot of time caring for her in her last few months and one day, under the influence of drugs and a brain tumor, she admitted to me that she had tried to get my husband to transfer to another university when we first met but that she had changed her mind about me and was glad that I came into her son's life. I'm grateful we got that cleared up before she died in 1984.

The key to all of this is your boyfriend. I think the break is a good idea for both of you. The fact that he misses you isn't enough. He clearly needs to have a talk with his mother -- no matter how your relationship turns out, she needs to stay out of it and certainly has no right to talk to you that way. With four children who are now 21 to 26, we've certainly had opinions about the people our children have dated and, if asked, will talk to our children about our opinions. But other than that, we stay out of it. We've seen some good ones and bad ones come and go and we just have to trust that they will make the best decisions they can about their lives and be there for them, however it turns out. Your boyfriend either needs to accept that he will only abide by his mother's choice for him or tell her to butt out. Anything in between could be a living hell for his future wife.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're willing to make the tough choices in order to be happy in the long run. Good luck at the job interview and with everything else! Let us know how you're doing! :hi:

[legally blonde]

2. thanks for your advice, Longhorn

He has said that he is going to keep his mother out of his personal life, but I just don't think that's enough for me, nor do I think it's possible. Our big fight (before the breakup) in front of his mother was horrible (they were both yelling at me), the lies, the breakup over email, the 1:00 am phone call from his mother--it's just too much for me to handle right now. I love him, I just don't know how long we could last before his mother starts to manipulate her way back into his life. And I don't want to have ANY contact with her EVER again. I just don't know if I'm willing to try again.

I'm sure that my stress is compounded by school, trying to find a job, the looming substantial debt due the minute I graduate in May, . . . I've never felt so stressed out in my life.

I know I need a break--and he promised he would back off--but I'm pissed about the flowers he sent. I know he was just trying to be sweet, but it just made me mad all over again. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

[NashVegas]

3. I Agree With Longhorn

Take your time there.

This isn't an issue that's never going to pop up again if you get back with the guy.

Roses are pretty but unless they come with a note that says he's going to respect your wishes in the meantime, they're just manipulation.

Stick to your guns about your two month plan. Regardless of what comes, you will be doing him a tremendous favor by showing him how badly he fucked up in allowing his mother to control him.

[Dora]

4. You are getting such good advice here.

I have nothing substantial to add, except this: You poor baby. :hug: :hug: :hug:

If there is a reunion between you and your ex, I suspect that his mother will always resent you and I would find that very hard to deal with.

[legally blonde]

5. thanks, everyone!

I really appreciate your feedback. :hi: I've come to the realization that our relationship just isn't going to work, no matter how hard we try. We've been having the same damn argument for seven months and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him trying to control me and he's tired of me being independent and assertive.

It's hard to concentrate on other things, though. I did get through my interview, though. Hopefully I'll hear something soon!

[Hello_Kitty]

6. Oh yeah, that's a dealbreaker

There are certain issues you can work through, and I mean even some huge ones like religion and politics. But control is a killer.

[legally blonde]

7. *sigh*

I heard from him again last night. He IM'd me. I probably shouldn't have responded, but I did. I told him that we weren't going to get back together. I know that I made the right decision, but I was heartbroken all over again. I didn't want him to want me back. I didn't want to break his heart the way he broke mine.

[Longhorn]

8. One of my daughters (24) has been trying to break up for a good six months

She told me the other day that it would be over by now if he would make it easier on her. :pullingmyhairout:

You're doing the right thing to make a "clean break," if there's going to be one. You just can't worry about his feelings right now -- not his and yours, both! Take care of yourself! :hug:

[legally blonde]

9. Thanks, Longhorn

I wanted a clean break from him, which is why I told him not to contact me for two months. Unfortunately, he's making that difficult.

[legally blonde]

10. fuck, fuck, fuck!

I've been getting insane emails from the ex. He sent me at least 5 to both my personal and school email, begging for me to take him back, for me to call him, how he can't live without me, how much he's changed, etc. How am I supposed to respond to that? Just ignore him? Tell him to leave me alone? I'm beyond stressed out again. This is ridiculous. It's almost to the point of stalking.

[fudge stripe cookays]

11. Legal, this sounds awful.

Block his e-mails. And maybe change yours.

It sounds like the only way you will be able to concentrate on finding a job and successfully finish the last of your schooling.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
fsc

[Dora]

12. I agree with FSC.

You have to make it difficult or impossible for him to contact you.

IMO there are two paths for you to take. You can tell him that you've heard his arguments and that you understand what he says and you'll take it into consideration while you're no longer speaking/communicating with him, and THEN block his email, change your addresses, etc.

Or you can just block his email and change your address.

Every time you speak with him, he's viewing that as an invitation for further discussion. He is not listening to you, and that only further demonstrates that he is not capable of respecting your wishes. Shut it down.

I also think you may be well-advised to keep a record of all communications with him, both his and yours: e-mail, flowers, phone calls, etc. Times, dates, nature of communication. If his mom is as wacko as you say she is, it's possible that he has a streak of the wacko too. Protect yourself.

[politicat]

13. It's to the point of stalking.

Send him one final letter. On paper. Registered, signature required, return receipt requested stating that you are done, he must stop contacting you, and that you don't want to hear from him, see email from him, etc. Do not be emotional, don't tell him how you feel, just state that you do not want contact with him in the future and that any personal relationship you may have once had is ended. Send copies of that letter to your landlord or school housing authority and the local police department. Make sure that your housing provider knows that this person is not welcome in your space.

Set up an email filter that shoots all of his messages into a separate file and don't open that file. Don't block them entirely, because you may need them as evidence. Just put them in another place and ignore them. Don't block his IMs, either, just don't respond. When you respond, you encourage him.

Get caller ID or make sure your cell is set up to display the caller before you answer. Send his messages to voicemail. Don't respond, don't answer the phone if it's him. Let pay phones or unknown callers go to voice mail.

If he persists after you have told him in writing, formally, that you don't want contact, you need to apply for a restraining order.

And it's time to move. Look for a job in another city, change your email and phone numbers when you move, and make sure any mutual friends you have know that it is absolutely not okay for your ex to have access to your new information.

Protect yourself. It's a short step from lovelorn and unrequited to stalking.

[legally blonde]

14. Thanks for your advice, everyone

I haven't heard anything from my ex in over two weeks. I finally told him that I would no longer read/respond to any more of his emails and to stop wasting his time. I blocked his email in my yahoo account, but not from my school account (I can't without going through tech services). I had changed my cell phone number a while ago (twice, actually--the Sprint people must think I'm nuts) and he doesn't have my new number.