My 20 yr old daughter and her abusive boyfriend...help!

[Digit]

My daughter is involved with a potential abuser. I had not thought this about this guy, but now I do.
She had not shared the fights with me, now, I have heard with my own ears what he says to her when angry, thanks to voice mail.
He is very jealous...a few months ago, they had broken up. My daughter had told him she needed a break. It was just before exams (she is in her junior year of college), and he said there was no such thing as breaking up. She went out on an innocent date, and the guy had given her a peck on the cheek. This resulted in a voice mail saying that she was a f’ing whore (edited for the internet) and he prayed to god she would choke on her own vomit and die.
She is home now, and an old friend of hers (and mine) came over to help with some yardwork for me. He was leaving to permanently live about 400 miles or so from here in a couple of days, and her boyfriend caught him here. Her boyfriend took a swing at him and punched him upside the head while they both stood in my carport.
I came home from work, not knowing about any of this and her boyfriend was here, but acting weird. He would not speak to me or meet my eyes.
My daughter was taking me out to dinner to celebrate her getting a good paying summer job, then we were going to the mall to get some makeup which I sorely needed.
She was mouthing to me that she did not want her boyfriend to come along....so I spoke up and said that I knew he would not enjoy this outing and that my daughter would catch up with him later.
He then asked why I hated him. He said I had invited this guy over to make trouble. This kind of shocked me. He went on to say this was all my fault, yada, yada, yada.
I told him I did not hate HIM, I did not like how he treated my daughter when they fought. I was shocked at how he twisted things....I have been divorced for alot of years and it was so reminiscent of my ex. It was always MY fault, yeah right.
I did not want to get into it at this point, plus I was shocked at what he was saying. He fights like a republican. He went on to say that I had come to his home twice and had Christmas dinner. I could have asked at this point how many dinners I had fixed for HIM, but did not want to get into it.
Now, I am in fear of this little shit, and my daughter is, too.
Need I tell you he is a republican with a Bush/Cheney sticker on his bumper????
I am almost ready to put my daughter in a shelter, but I would still be a target. I would rather protect my daughter, tho.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Since he came by and found this fellow at my house outside doing yardwork with my daughter, he says she is subject to random searches. He went through her room looking for other evidence she is seeing other guys.
I am frigging livid. This is MY HOUSE, and he is not entitled to do any random searches HERE or anywhere else on my property!
I have told her to call the Women’s Center here, and they can hook her up to counselors. She needs to get away from this creep. We went to Barnes and Nobles and purchased some relevant books on abusive relationships, so she can see what is happening.
Her father was the exact same way, but I managed to escape when she was less than 2 years old.
My father verbally abused and controlled me....I then married a guy who tried to control me, but managed to escape. It cost me dearly getting rid of him
How do you get out of this frigging loop? How do I get my daughter to not pick these kinds of guys?

[Longhorn]

1. One thing I would definitely look into

is what it takes to get a restraining order. I would also see about counseling for your daughter, either through the women's center or with a private therapist -- if your insurance doesn't cover it, they usually charge on a sliding scale. It might even help if you went together some of the time, to keep your relationship strong.

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are having to endure this. :hug:

[Digit]

2. Thanks for responding...

I also mentioned the restraining order, but I am the MOTHER.
She needs to hear it from others, I suspect. I am printing out your post to show I am not the only one who believes we may need a restraining order.
I have several friends who would LOVE to speak with her on this topic. Some come from successful marriages where trust is a given.
Others come from broken marriages and they can speak to jealousy issues.
I plan on getting her into counseling asap. Guess I need to make sure they are Dems, too.
Things could turn quite ugly if she were to really break up with this guy for good. I own a firearm, and she said she wants to know how to use it. Is that chilling or what.

[NashVegas]

4. You May Not Be His Primary Target But

It is your home. On that, alone, you should be able to get a restraining order to keep him off the premesis. Too bad your neighbor moved away, or he'd be able to testify to assault charges.

[eleny]

5. If he insists on entering your home illegally ....

You should be able to get a restraining order. Or at least consult the police about this matter. After all, it is you and your house he feels he can control. How about a burglar alarm and some well placed signs and stickers showing you have one.

Btw, how old is this little nazi schmuck?

[Digit]

8. He is 28

Did I mention that my daughter had said that he was reading the bible these days? That sent a chill through me.

[Darth_Kitten]

17. The guy is abusive and SICK........

please, get professional help, to learn what options you have to protect you and your daughter. That guy sounds really dangerous. :(

Yes, that guy sounds VERY abusive. :(

[China_cat]

16. The Supreme Court has just ruled

that a woman with a restraining order has no RIGHT to police protection if they don't feel like coming to the scene.

Decided on a case where the police blew off 6 calls from a woman with a TRO against her abusive ex when he took their kids. He killed the kids, she gets told she shouldn't have expected help.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

3. Putting a bullet in his head would be too kind.

He is crazy and needs to be stopped. If your daughter isn't scared, she should be. This guy is inches away from beating her to death. I think it's always a good idea to have a friend in the police department just for times like this. I live in a small town, and if I were in your shoes, I'd go to the police chief, but he's been a family friend for years. If you have a friend in the police department, or have a friend who does, please call them. This kid needs to have the fear of God put in to him. And I think the only way that is going to happen is if a bigger bully than he'll ever hope to be makes him shit his pants. He needs to leave your daughter alone and you need to be protected.
If you don't have a friend in the police department, they're not hard to make. There's a desk sargeant at most precincts, and if you go in and tell him what you've told us, I'm sure he or she will be glad to help. Police involvement is a good choice at this stage because he's seriously about to do something. If something does happen, you'll have on record his behavior and he'll be the first person looked at if the situation arises. Don't walk, RUN!
I know you don't want your daughter to make the same mistakes with men that you did, and I'm so glad that you saved your lives when she was two and never let it happen again.
I'll say a little prayer for you this morning for the safety of your family. Hopefully the little prick will leave your daughter alone. Good luck!
Duckie

[Senior citizen]

6. If I punched someone or ransacked someone's home without permission

I'd be in jail.

This guy sure knows how to pick his victims. I'm sure you, your daughter, and your friends have good reasons for not having called the police.

Obviously a restraining order isn't always the solution, as many people have been killed by people they had restraining orders against, and even putting someone in jail doesn't necessarily help, as sooner or later they'll get out.

But you already know this is not a healthy scenario. I learned a good trick from someone once, but not everyone can afford to pull it off. If some idiot is annoying you, you find an opportunity to loan them some money (if you can't get him to sign an IOU, be sure to have witnesses), and chances are they'll avoid you from then on so as not to have to pay it back. I know of several cases where this worked when other options didn't. And it can be cheaper than other solutions in the long run.

[Digit]

7. That is almost diabolical...I like it!

...and you are so right. I lent money to my best friend. I had to pursue her for a year to get it back. Now, we are no longer friends since I had the NERVE to ask for repayment.

[all.of.me]

11. lol! that is a GREAT idea!

[all.of.me]

9. i'd call the police

i don't like to get them involved, but when you've exhausted all your logic on somebody like this, it needs to be in someone else's hands.

did you buy 'the verbally abusive relationship' by patricia evans? it is fabulous. i got it from the women's shelter here many years ago. i saw everyone in it, including myself. it was so painful, i had to give it away, but it talks about what you're going through, and how to deal with it.

i don't know how to pick healthy relationships. i don't seem to do so well in that arena myself. i'm getting better, but i am very cautious about letting people in anymore.

i have a 15 year old daughter, and she is always choosing unavailable boys to have major crushes on. i don't know how to break the cycle. that was my gig, as well as MY mother's! it may be in the dna......

[lukasahero]

10. Whew

I think you have two problems on your hands at the moment.

1) The immediate protection of you and your daughter. I would do as another suggests here and talk to the police. While you might not be able to "file charges" for whatever reason, you can at least make a public record of the problems so they'll know what's going on. Of course I have no idea why you didn't call the police the first time he "searched" your daughter's room - are there reasons you didn't? Sounds like breaking and entering to me.

An alarm system would be a good investment. Changing the locks could provide a quick and less expensive option.

2) How to stop the cycle: You and your daughter should get counseling both individually and possibly together. Self-help books and friendly advice can be a good place to start (especially in getting your daughter to acknowledge and understand the problem) but action plans to understand and modify perceptions and behavior can be developed with the help of professionals. Check out the resources available from the local woman's shelter if you have one. Group "therapy" might be available and hearing the experiences and thoughts of other women might make her understand the seriousness of her situation.

You and your daughter will be in my thoughts. Good luck to you. Be safe.

[Samurai_Writer]

12. Why didn't you call the cops?

The guy assaulted someone on your property, and also ransacked your home. I would also suggest the restraining order, counselling for your daughter, and also if you don't have one, install an alarm system and keep it activated at all times. Under no circumstances should he be allowed in your house again.

I'm having my own personal problems with an abusive/stalker type, so I feel for your daughter.

Peace,
Bella

[silverlib]

13. There is hope

you have gotten some really good advice here, as usual. I just wanted to share that two years ago, at the age of fourteen, my daughter and I went through something quite similar. Just a few sessions of counseling, plus the fact that he was placed into a juvenile center for other reasons, did it for her. I would have had him locked up if needed. We have an alarm system. Now, at sixteen, she is in a healthy and wonderful relationship. It was hard for me to accept that something like this could involve a fourteen year old, especially my own!

There is hope and your daughter's, as well as your knowledge that this is not right is the first and biggest step.

My thoughts are with you.

[shanti]

14. get a dog, preferably a large one

dude sounds like a headcase just waiting to blow. or move, if possible - he's scary. :hug: to you both!

[superconnected]

15. time to buy someone feminist books

and get her on to feminist boards.

yes it certianly is time, isn't it.

Games your mother never taught you was my first feminist book and it did the trick, for me, my roommate, my sister, a friends daughter, etc.

Just getting them in the mode of us/them generally helps massively.

sure eventually we all need to get along, but not a f#@#ing rugs the other half walks on.