Death by violent (criminal or accidental) means.

[bertha katzenengel]

My father died last week when his ultralight plane crashed. "Shock" doesn't begin to describe how I feel.

Anyone else knowing a death by violence?

Primarily I want to hear others' tales of SHOCK.

[CC]

1. I never know how to put things into

words well when typing so forgive me if I end up making no sense.

Of course you are in "shock" but a different shock than your average shock. That is normal. You might even feel like you are a bit crazy. That too is normal. You've just been hit with devastating news that your mind (and heart) has a hard time wrapping itself around. It just doesn't feel real. I am no scientist or expert but I think you get that so you can handle the news without permanently falling apart.

Eventually it will feel real, too real. Be sure to have people around you that you can lean on. (I think you have someone there that loves you and will be there for you.) Talk to them, let them know how you are feeling and forgive anyone that doesn't know the right thing to say because there is no right thing that can be said. Let yourself lean on those that love you, they too are feeling helpless. Tell them what you need whether it be them to stay close to you or to leave you a lone for a bit. You might bounce back and forth between needing both. When the pain comes, embrace it and let it work its way through you. Pushing it away will only make it worse. Cry, scream and talk about your dad, what ever it is that you need to do to heal.

As for finding out more information on what happened. Ask for as much info as you feel you can handle. You know yourself best. Some people need to know every detail, some people don't want to know anymore than they have too. Do what is best for you.

Grieving is a process. It is long and painful but as you go through that process you do heal, even if it feels like you never will.

If you are a reader two books helped me a lot. One I read within the first week after Beau was killed was called No Time for Goodbyes : Coping With Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death by Janice Harris Lord. Your local library should have it or be able to get it. Also later Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life after Losing Someone You Love by Elizabeth H. Neeld helped me figure out that I could take some control over what was happening.

My sympathies on the loss of your Dad. You will get through this and one day you will find yourself smiling through your tears when you think of him. If you need a shoulder or ear come on by. Eventually someone shows up to answer and I have a feeling a few show up to listen. If you need anything you can pm me. I can alway listen, give :hug:s and support.

[bertha katzenengel]

2. Hi. CC. You're the first beneficiary of today's insomnia.

Yesterday I woke at 5:30 to pee, couldn't go back to sleep so I got up. This morning it's 3:50. I guess this sleeplessness is part of grief. I'm taking the whole week off and hopefully i'll get past this insomnia before i have to go back to work.

The thing I don't get, and I'll need to talk to my sisters about this when I go home next month, is why I'm grieving this way for a lousy father. I had no qualms about accepting my grief for my grandmother, who died 10/27/06. My sisters and I said, "she wasn't perfect, but she was ours." I miss her desperately. I have no idea when if ever I'll accept that she's gone. I don't know how to live in a world without her in it.

With Dad's death, our mantra is, "we loved him and he loved us." That's true enough. But the lousy part: he left us with a crazy-ass bi-polar mother when I was two. Never believed (if he was told) how bad things were for us with our mother & stepfather. Never had a fucking clue about our stepfather, and if he did, he obviously did nothing. In my bitterest moments I believe he did have a clue but turned a blind eye because he was a coward.

But in the last few years - maybe fifteen - we managed to cobble two or three yearly appearances into some kind of loosely-woven relationship. Since I moved to So. MD, I believe he'd taken me more seriously as an adult.

He's a fundy and he never accepted my orientation. He didn't go to the huge party my sisters threw on the eve of my departure for life with Kathy on the east coast. But on the envelope of this past Christmas's card, the one he enclosed with the usual avocados & See's Candies, for the first time he wrote "Kim & Kathy" instead of just "Kim." I hadn't had time to tell him how much that meant to me, how much it'll always mean to me.

I don't have that clichéd regret: "I never got to tell him" or anything like that. I do wish I'd spoken with him after Xmas to tell him a couple of things, but oh well.

[CC]

3. Maybe because he was your father even if

he was lousy at it. Good for you on not beating yourself up with regret. I have seen too many people do that. I used to work with some abused kids. They would fight to defend their parent, even when it was the parent that abused them, if anyone outside the family said anything derogatory about them. I think it is the same even after we are adults. The kid you once were is still there and a loss is a loss no matter what the relationship. I learned to just accept how I feel even if I can't make sense of it sometimes. If you try and you still can't figure it out then just give yourself permission to accept it.
I don't understand people that can't accept others for being who they are, specially parents so I know I am no help there. I think it is a good thing that he was making steps no matter how small toward accepting you and Kathy.
The insomnia will eventually go away. It may be worth it to talk to your doctor about it and get something to help you sleep. Beyond the emotional trauma (and it is trauma) your body goes through a form of physical trauma with it. You do have to pay extra attention to your physical needs along with the emotional. Hang in there, you will figure things out eventually. Just remind yourself it is a process and it does take time. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

4. Bertha, I am so very sorry.

Unfortunately, I've been there with the shock thing. In my first year of seminary, my best friend (from high school) was murdered while at work. The numbness I felt lasted throughout the entire semester. I couldn't sleep. I kept (and still keep) the light on at night. I listened to recordings of Requiems, especially Rutter, Faure, and Durufle, which brought some comfort. But mostly, I cried. I found it bitterly ironic that here I was, in seminary, questioning to the core of my being whether or not I believed in life after death.

In fact, that was a time of deep questioning, doubt, darkness, and depression. I got through it with the grace of God, and two very dear friends who held me, listened, and offered themselves to help me get back on my feet.

My heart and prayers are with you, Kim. I am so glad you have a wife who loves you dearly, who will stand with you in your pain. You also have many friends here on DU. This group is a godsend. They're the best, and will stand with you as well.

Peace and love to you. :hug::hug:

[easttexaslefty]

5. All I can add

is to ride the waves of grief. Really feel all the emotions that come. Share them with people you are comfortable with. Write them down. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I understand the mixed feelings. I lost my mom 13 months ago and we had a extemely difficult relationship.{She had borderline personality disorder] In part,because of her disease,my son suicided 4 months ago. She always equated $$$ with love and continued to enable my son with money and when she was gone...Long sad story. So anyway, I understand. Do the best you can and depend on the ones you can. Screw the rest.
Love and peace,

[undeterred]

6. a long time ago

My college boyfriends sister was murdered. I had met him and knew that his sister had died before he asked me out. Then one day I asked him how she died and he told me that she was murdered. Then I found out the rest... that she was abducted, raped, tortured, stabbed, shot, and dumped- her body discovered four days later. His family did not tell him that she was missing until she was found because he was going through a breakup with his previous girlfriend and he was a wreck.

So by asking I heard it all. But it was still just a story, very calm. About a week later I told him that he always said "my sister" and never told me her name. Then he said her name and the whole world changed. All the deep pain. It never goes away. Never.

I did learn that violence against women also affects men, deeply.

There are some human behaviors that we will never understand.

The killer was a serial killer, responsible for countless deaths, convicted for two. There are people in this world- police and detectives who we never hear about, who passionately pursue justice for victims like these. They get terrible people off the streets. They aren't as pretty as the ones on tv, and they don't make speeches. They are the silver lining of these dark clouds.

The killer talked in prison. The victims mother got to make a statement. My old boyfriend called me and we talked for a couple of hours about those years. I found out that he was in emotional shock during much of that time and did not remember things as well as I did. He still struggles for understanding.

The death penalty was repealed in Illinois, but the killer died in prison.

I guess what I learned from this was that violent death sends out ripples of pain in all directions. It affects people who are closest to it longest. It affects people who are young. It changes the way you see the world. It does bring out good things in some people, who commit themselves to finding justice. I learned later that women and men (at least in the family setting) processed this differently: the mother was full of rage for a year and a half and she freely expressed it- but after that she could talk about her daughter (she was 16) quite comfortably. The two older brothers and father had a mix of guilt and anger and sadness that they never knew where to direct. They felt like they should have been there to protect her and they weren't. They wanted to make sense of it and they couldn't. None of them could have given the victim impact statement as well as the mother, even 25 years later.

And I was at a distance, but it affected the way I thought about issues like the death penalty and violence against women because it was a real person and a real situation that affected people I knew.

When we talked 25 years later I realized I absorbed his grief even though I never knew her.

I don't understand how that works, but sometimes when one person has too much, other people can soak some of it up.

:grouphug:

[flamingyouth]

7. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My biggest shock was losing my husband to suicide in 2004. I'll never forget that phone call. I took tranquilizers for a long time and there are three or four months that I don't remember too well.

Just know that whatever you feel or whatever you do is fine and normal and okay. And that we're here for you when and if you want to talk. PM me anytime. Sending you lots of love. :hug: