my best friend's father died

[auntAgonist]

yesterday. My best friend is the cousin of my ex-husband, so this was his uncle. We were a very close knit family and spent many days and evenings with him. The funeral is saturday morning at 11:00 am. I work till almost midnight and it's a 6 hour drive. I won't attend his funeral. All of my ex-inlaws will be there and I really don't want to be a distraction. I'm sure there are many that will be just as glad that I don't turn up. What saddens me the most is that I found about about his death in the online newspaper obituarys from home. I knew he was failing, he was 69 years old and had Primary Sclerosing Cholingitis. A liver disease. His death wasn't unexpected, but still, a shock. I just wish my friend had called to tell me of his passing. And now I feel really guilty for even thinking that I should have been called. :( I'm just sad. Sad that I'm not feeling free to just show up, sad that he's passed on, sad on so many levels. May he rest in eternal peace. I know he and his family are secure in their beliefs that he has gone home to be with his Lord. I don't know where that faith comes from, but if it comforts them... then let them be comforted.

:cry:

aA
kesha

[RevCheesehead]

1. I'm so sorry, Kesha.

It's hard enough to lose someone you love. But it must be even worse when you're not sure how to respond to a difficult situation.

Call your friend tomorrow. She/he is going through too much to even think about who should be called. When you talk, you can explain why you don't want to be "a distraction" during this time. And you can always be there weeks later (when everyone else presumes everything is OK).

My sympathy to you for your loss. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

3. I should have mentioned

that I did call her a couple of times yesterday and finally caught her at home last night just after dinner time. She'd been with her Mom and family. I had figured she would be and didn't want to disturb her there. I explained to her, and she knows, the distance is a problem and I assured her that if she needed me there nothing would keep me away. I wanted to be sure that she would NOT be hurt if I was unable to attend. She assured me she wasn't hurt at all. I hope that remains true. I did tell her that I'd make an effort to get there in a few weeks,(after my surgery and when I'm feeling better)and we can hang out and reminisce together.

Thank you Rev for your thoughtful post :hug:

aA
kesha

[livetohike]

2. I'm sorry for your loss auntAgonist

:hug:

I think a phone call to your friend, or someone else you can share stories of his life will help you with your grief too.

[havocmom]

4. How sad not to be able to grieve openly with those you love.

But if you can spend time with your best friend in a few weeks, it may be a great gift to her. Sometimes, that is when loss hits hardest and everybody else has gone on about their lives leaving people feeling alone at the time it hurts most.

She probably is so busy taking care of her mom that she doesn't have time to really grieve now either. Later, when she has time to fall apart, you will be there to catch her. It probably works out best that way.

In the meantime, do you have any pictures of your friend and her dad in happy times? Might be a good idea to gather them up if you have any mementos. Or keep a notebook out and jot down notes on memories about her dad and family so you can remind her and she can draw strength from your shared times. When the two of you have time to be together you can offer some sweet memories to help wash down the bitter pill of her loss.

Til then, you have us here. We all have broad enough shoulders to cry on. This is a safe place. As all the different waves of emotions hit you and threaten to swamp your ship, remember we are here.

You aren't alone. Lean on others so you will be strong when your best friend needs to lean on you.

Sending strength

hm