Who do you tell about infidelity?

[mrgorth]

I mean, I think if you get cheated on you clearly need to talk about it with someone. Therapists, doctors come to mind. What about friends or your parents. Telling these people who are important in your life would help them to know your perspective but it could also ruin their impression of your significant other. This could hurt things if you plan to stay with them or hurt your kids if it reaches their ears. What say you?

[LWolf]

1. I don't have a good answer for you.

Neither of my marriages survived infidelity, although that was not the primary reason for the end of the first. I can tell you that the kids might know anyway; mine did. What is really painful is how many of your adult friends and family may know you are being cheated on before you do, and leave you in ignorance. When you do find out, you feel betrayed by them.

As far as what to tell friends and family? If you are planning to stay with the cheater, I wouldn't tell them anything. Your choice is a private choice, and doesn't need their approval.

In my experience, staying with the cheater doesn't work very well. Trust has been broken, and while you can layer over it, trying to build it back up, it is still cracked and flawed. You never look at that person in the same way again, and they know it. You can "forgive," but you don't forget, and you never totally "trust" again.

If the relationship is not built on a solid foundation of trust, what is it built on?

[mrgorth]

2. It's none of my business

but was the infidelity on the part of your spouse in both cases?

[LWolf]

4. Yes.

The first husband just wasn't capable of fidelity. It started 3 weeks after the marriage, and continued off and on, through remorse, promises, reforms, and a couple of doses of prescription meds, one of which he blamed on dirty toilet seats at work. I tried the forgiveness thing more than once. I was married to him for 10 years before I finally called it quits.

The second was a bigger blow; I married my best friend. We'd known each other, and been friends, all of our lives. We were married for 12 years, and trusted each other implicitly. He got a new job which required him to be out of the country for 6-12 weeks at a time a couple of times a year, while I took care of everything at home. Into the 2nd year, he announced that I needed to go, because he was in love with someone else. A sudden announcement. He piously patted himself on the back for getting me out of my house and my bed 2 days before he moved her into it, and "waiting" until I was gone. He figured that meant he hadn't "cheated."

[hermetic]

5. Holy cripes!!

Men are scum (present company excepted of course).

[mrgorth]

6. Knock that off.

I'm a man and I can't really tell you my story. Suffice it to say I've been faitful. People tend to be weak.

[hermetic]

7. Yeah, sorry

Like I said, I wasn't referring to YOU. I was just recently burned by someone I thought was my best friend too. Ahhh, the pain.
Bless you for being faithful. I find that very attractive in a man.;)

[hermetic]

3. What you say is true

because being betrayed is such a blow to your ego, it is so hard to get over. But you know what? Monogamy does not come natural to most human beings, particularly in our society. Remaining true to only one person requires a level of maturity and wisdom that most people don't really come into until they get a bit older. So dealing with someone who was untrue really requires work and commitment. But it can be done, if the underlying love is strong enough. Personally, I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to get married before the age of 30.

You are also correct about everybody else knowing except you. Sad but true.

[unblock]

8. a quibble about language:

i don't think it's a matter of "being true to one person".
i think it's a matter of "being true to yourself".

for me, my fidelity is a matter of personal integrity an honor. we're encouraged to talk about being faithful "to one's partner", or cheating "on one's partner". but the way i think of it, i'm being faithful to myself and to my own word by not having sex with anyone other than mrs. unblock.

i think that when you base fidelity in the other person, it undermines it; it tempts you into thinking that if your partner has hurt you or has themselves cheated, then that somehow relieves you from your vows. it does not. my fidelity, in a way, has nothing to do with mrs. unblock, because if i cheat, it's MY honor and MY reputation and MY integrity that is damaged.

she would be hurt, too, of course, but she could divorce me and move on, but i can never divorce myself from my own reputation and honor.

[mrgorth]

9. Agreed.

It, like so many other things, is poison to the soul.

[LWolf]

11. This is right on target.

In my particular case, I didn't just lose a spouse, I lost a life-long friend; we'd been friends since childhood. I forgave the infidelity. I was never even angry; hurt at the betrayal, confused by it, yes. I would have continued the friendship beyond the marriage. The friendship was just as important as the marriage, to me. He couldn't do it. He couldn't look me in the eye, because he'd violated his own values. The only way he could continue on the course he'd chosen was to cut off our relationship as if it had never been. He literally erased me from his life, from his past, all the way back to the age of 7. Not because the relationship had problems, but because he couldn't face himself. It stands that way to this day, 4 years later. Part of me still hopes that someday I'll hear from him; he'll pick up the phone and let me know how he's doing. I tried checking in with him every once in a while in the beginning,; he made it clear that a call from me wasn't welcome. I guess I've just felt like, the day he can call me and talk to me like I'm someone he knows, he may have faced and processed his own breach of integrity. Because he was my dear friend, as well as lover, I still hope that for him. I still grieve for the loss of the friendship.

[villager]

10. a mix for me

in the "telling" category. My sons are too young to know -- explicitly -- about the marriage-ending affair of their mother. When they are old enough to ask direct questions, I'll direct them to her.

Have certainly let close family and "my" friends know (i.e., the ones I knew before the marriage). Have been more circumspect with "her" friends, as well as in our mutual communities -- the boys' schools, etc.

It's a case-by-case thing...

Oddly, two years later, things are falling apart with her "new" boyfriend (actually a lot of her same old patterns at work) -- the one she cheated with. She calls me, crying, looking for comfort, because she feels like she's falling apart...

I'm past using that as a way of extracting "revenge" though - I actually have pretty deep empathy for her; it's quite sad, really, all the damaging choices she's made.

Hardest thing is trying to figure out how to protect my sons from the fallout in her life...

[Greylyn58]

12. My ex and I were married

for 10 years. We were together for 3 years before we married, including the year and half we lived together. He insisted because his father had been married 3 times and he was afraid he would be like him. Well guess what?

Right after the new year began in 1999, he announced that he wanted a divorce. I was totally stunned. He tried to lay the blame on me. He wanted children and we had found out I couldn't. I wanted to adopt, he didn't...wanted a natural child.

But I found out soon after that he had been having an affair with a woman he met on the Internet in a sex chat room. She lived in Washington state and had moved all the way to NC.

Well...I was stupid. I should have realized when I begged him to go with me to marriage counseling and he refused that something was up.

Luckily for me, my folks live in that same city as I do and I had a few friends to talk to. Unfortunately, due to the divorce I also lost some friends. It was like they were afraid our problem was a disease that could rub off on them.

I never thought when I got married that it would end in divorce. I guess no one does.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

13. if you really want it to work dont tell anyone

because there are days you will be tempted to leave,....and your friends will remind you of the cheating and wont understand why you bother to stay...

[gizmo1979]

14. That's a very good question

my wife cheated on me along time ago I was devastated I did'nt talk to anyone about it we went to counciling but the guy put everything back on me.It took me well over a year to calm down.Finding someone to talk to is the most important thing even talking about it here will help.

[mduffy31]

15. That is what just happened to me

I discovered that my wife spent the night with another man recently. She just recently just walked out on the marriage, but the funny thing is that she is blaming me for the reason that it failed. It is the fact that I got very upset and I "almost hit her" over it. Now mind you I never raised my hand or made a move towards her to hit her, but she is "trained to recognize before the strike," and I was going to hit her. Now I completely broken about this, I don't want to divorce, but i don't know what to do. I have told no-one about the reason, but it makes me upset that she is telling people that it is my fault without mentioning what happened in entirety.

[porphyrian]

16. That really sucks.

I don't know, man, it sounds like you love her and she's done with you (from just your post - what the fuck do I know?). Look into counseling and therapy for the both of you. If she agrees to go, she's still interested in staying with you. If she refuses, she's already made up her mind to leave you, and this is just her "reason." Good luck. Sorry it's your turn to bite the shit sandwich. I'm still trying to swallow my piece.

[mrgorth]

17. That's bullshit

about being your fault and inside she knows it. Are there any kids involved?

[mduffy31]

18. No kids

In fact my sister in law is ready to pop at anytime. That was one of the more hurtful things that she said in the heat of an argument, that she also doesn't want to stay with me because she doesn't want to have children with me. She says because I didn't take care of the cats enough it means I wouldn't be good with kids. Now let me tell you I am a nurse, that worked in Pediatrics. I want to have kids with her, I love her I don't know what to do about it. We did talk recently after not talking for about 3 weeks and it wasn't a train wreck like it is normally. Now I am hoping that this is a good sign, but I am not reading too much into it right now. I am just going to continue to take things one day at a time.

[mrgorth]

19. Get out

and move on. You'll be better off.

[Sisaruus]

20. www.survivinginfidelity.com

It has very active message boards.