the other person dating =

[mzteris]

how do you handle that?

I mean, I don't WANT HIM ANYMORE. Really. Absolutely under no circumstances would I "take him back" - but - he starts dating - like immediately?

It still hurts. He could have waited a while, couldn't he? I mean, if not for my sake, but to show SOME RESPECT for the institution - and yeah, me - for the sake of our kids. What kind of message does that send? That marriages are just disposable. That relationships are like socks you change on a whim? That the ending isn't something you mourn (even though you may rejoice in some ways) but you just move on to "next".

:wtf:


Why does it hurt so gd much when I don't care for him at all anymore?



Edit to change party to person cause next to the other thread it looked odd.

[YankeyMCC]

1. I haven't any advice really

I dread that time when I learn of my ex dating again I don't know how I'd deal with it, certainly if I found out she was seeing someone right now it would be very difficult.

I don't know how long you were together but it's difficult to just turn off caring for someone, and I really mean this in as friendly and sympathetic manner as possible not in a 'you're deluding yourself' way, if not true caring then at least the habit of caring for them.

I feel like I don't care what my STBE does with her life either but she still has the power to hurt me so there must be some residual affect, and I expect the longer people have been together the more robust that residual effect is.

But beyond that, beyond the caring about them I think the hurt comes from the challenge of readjusting your self-assessment. No matter the circumstance that lead to a break up of a marriage it means you can't help but look at what you did, who you are and do a little examination and that can be painful. And because the other person was so intimately involved in what you did and who you were over the previous years what they do can prolong and confuse your adjustment and that just makes it all the more painful.

I'm sorry, nothing I've said probably helps but maybe it lets you know how like your feelings are to others and it's usually comforting to know you're not alone (as someone else pointed out in my thread about going to a party) and maybe what I said helps you figure out what it is that is still giving him power to hurt you and knowledge can only help.

[mzteris]

3. nearly 17 years -

dated for two, married for 14.5...

You're right - he's been so much a part of my life. Even the "negative stuff".

It helps to have others just listen, I think - and acknowledge. To be heard at least.

I think too I'm angry that he's just blithely "moving on". Dating. Having fun (and sex) without the least pause. As if to say - pfffft - you were nothing and easily replaced.

I resent that he's "having fun" and I'm not. I suppose I "could" - but I can't just take up with a man and fool around and stuff (not that I would anyway!) but I couldn't even if I really wanted to. I've got kids to consider and their mental/emotional health. And care and feeding and taxi-ing. lol

I think about those "early days" when WE were dating and how good it was - and I miss that and wonder what went so awfully wrong.

I also worry a bit about the next woman he seduces with his pretty lies. Part of me feels like I have some sort of moral obligation to "warn her". But then I worry that I'd be labeled some sort of nutjob. 'cause he comes across sooooooooo smooth. And I'm sure he's busy telling them all how crazy and mean and awful I was/am. :(

And, to be perfectly honest, I really resent the $$$$$ spent on those little outings/dates/ adventures/entertainment - when the boys and I really need it. We're not talking just dinner and a movie here, folks. He's getting us further and further into debt without thought or bother.

Yeah, I know. I need to "lawyer up". And I keep meaning to - it's just - well the day-to-day crap is enough - and I'm looking for a job and trying to take care of the boys and and and - I dunno. I never seem to make the call. Of course it will really piss him off and I try to avoid getting him mad.

[porphyrian]

2. Different people mourn differently. Some choose to not deal with it until later, if at all.

Try not to worry (yeah, I know) about what he does or doesn't do. Focus on taking care of yourself, whatever that might entail. Your ex's way of dealing with things doesn't affect or reflect your value.

[mzteris]

4. Thanks.

I like the way you said that: "Your ex's way of dealing with things doesn't affect or reflect your value."

As stated above, I think that's part of it - I feel like I must have counted for nothing because he's moved on so easily. (Though if truth be told, I think he was "moving on" with others for quite a while even while still supposedly "in" the relationship.)

[porphyrian]

5. That last bit may also be true, I just didn't want to make any assumptions.

Hang in there. It gets worse and better, and eventually you'll move on yourself. (That's what they tell me, anyway, heh, heh.)

[mrgorth]

6. Well`

I tried to save my marriage for years and there was just no getting her love back. So, yeah, I started dating immediately. F her. She cheated on me and almost killed me. I'm lucky to be alive. Maybe I shouldn't have started dating right away just for my own mental health but I was desperate for validation. I certainly didn't care about the institution.