now my ex is calling *me* for empathy and support

[villager]

I posted some of this in another thread in this group.

We had a rocky marriage with too much anger in it, but what finally ended things was an affair she had a couple years back.

Oddly, two years later, things are falling apart with her "new" boyfriend (actually a lot of her same old patterns at work) -- the one she cheated with. She calls me, crying, looking for comfort, because she feels like she's falling apart, the b.f. is turning out to be an asshole (really, a liar who fucks around with married women?), her mom is mired in depression, and sadly, she doesn't have many close friends she can turn to.

"The world is full of a lot of sharp edges right now" she said, crying, at a local coffee shop, after I stopped in -- at her request -- to see her (our sons were with the live-in au pair at her house, at the time...)

I'm past using her belated realizations as a way of extracting "revenge" though - I actually have pretty deep empathy for her; it's quite sad, really, all the damaging choices she's made. I hope she actually finds some contentment and healing in her life someday. She never found that in our marriage, alas.

Hardest thing is trying to figure out how to protect my sons from the fallout in her life...

[mrgorth]

1. YOur priorities seem right

How is your custody worked out? Can you take the boys more? Would she let you?

[villager]

2. she and I have been able to transcend ourselves

on the custody questions; which is to say, as lousy as we were at processing anger between us, we've never "used" the boys against each other since the marriage ended.

Perhaps a belated realization about the high cost of what was left untended, before.

So, my boys are what keeps me in L.A., actually. I get to be with them usually 2 1/2 - 3 days a week, work one morning at their school, etc.

As the Ex pulls herself out of her obsessive/destructive relationship with CarBoy, she is actually able to be more attentive to them, is starting to do more things with them (though I'm the "soccer dad" who sees all the games, takes them to weekend birthday parties, etc.)

I hope she's able to have a decent relationship with them when they grow up. But they'll have to go through the whole forgiveness thing with her. (Well, with me, too -- I mean, we all do it with our parents, que no? But the reasons for her are more pronounced...)

[mrgorth]

3. I wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck.

[villager]

4. thanks. Just back from Prez' Day weekend trip with them...

Dropped them off at "mom's house," a.k.a. formerly "our" house...

Miss 'em already, though I'll see them midweek...

[MindLikeAParachute]

5. My ex was similar

She had some major issues (BPD). Her life is an endless series of unfulfillments and emptiness. I feel badly for her; I'm not in love with her, but I still care for her as one might a sibling with problems.

We have a son, and she had a son from her first marriage that lived with us until he was 10, then he moved to live with his dad in another country (but visits once or twice a year).

I listen to her when she needs to talk to me, which isn't often (if it was daily, it'd be another story, but I mean just every once in a while). It helps her, doesn't cost me anything but time, and I figure I'm spending just 2% of my time instead of the 110% I used to spend.

On the one occasion it was appropriate to talk with the older one, and when the situation arises with the younger one, I've explained that their mother has trouble dealing with some things in life, that some things aren't very easy for her, but she loves them very much.

In other words, it's okay if the kids know one of their parents has a hard time dealing, but it doesn't diminish their love for them in any way. Most of the time, that's all the kids need to know.

[villager]

6. yeah, all this seems very familiar

My Ex struggles with the fulfillment/never finding her "it" stuff -- and I realize that despite the shitty way she ended our marriage, I still care for her -- the sibling analogy is a good one.

She's suddenly suggesting doing things "together" -- she rode to and fro the airport with me and our youngest son, when the eldest was out of town, which was kind of a surprise.

I figure the same thing -- so far, it hasn't "cost" me much, seems to help her stay connected with the boys, and therefore is better for everyone involved.

Step by step, day by day...