I am really scared ..

[undergroundpanther]

I'm posting here because I dunno.

I am just sad,anxious,scared, and alone.
Always alone. Wondering why? Am I so horrible? I know I am not "normal" by any stretch.. I can't do"normal". My gender is bent,I am a feline inside, I seek the kind of love that no longer exists in this world,I'm deep in my thoughts, too deep for most people to either get or stand, too wounded, too fucked up, not enough fun,I feel like my life is over. My body is fucking up even more. I'm on methylprednisone now.My spine issues are compressing nerves so my shoulders,arms hands hurt.That's why I don't post here as much now. My cheap ass MA won't pay for lyrica.Neurontin is the other drug that does what lyrica does but it makes you sleep a tremendous amount and your brain is fuzzed and you are so out of it..I can't take being "high" or feel drugged it triggers the hell out of me. So I am fucked because according to MA I am not *worth* having access to a drug that actually helps without severe side effects.And the drug company that makes it is stingy with the samples,so my doctor can't get enough samples to help me..

As most know I am trapped where I live, can't drive but to get anywhere out here I need a car. I walk everywhere and there isn't always sidewalks,the bus is really bad. My mom always has dollar signs in her eyes whenever I ask her to maybe sell this place so I can move somewhere where I have access to transportation. She moved out and got stuck in an ARM loan and is scared of losing money. I'm scared of my body getting too fucked up to the point I can't walk the long distances I do with groceries.Than what? Rely on a roommate that works insane hours and really isn't there to help? Rely on my other roommate? She's young she HAS a future and someone who loves her.She isn't gonna stay here she has a life to live and I am no fun, since my body hurts like this,and I am so overwhelmed.

I am so full of dread and I hold it all inside. I fear when the safety net is gone,and it will be gone believe me, if the "middle class" gets too pinched,and whine to the government to do something , the rich won't be made to give up anything ,no they'll screw the poor more before any rich parasite feels any pain.That's the pattern.

To the State after all I am just some useless eater freak throwaway.
Who cares if I die alone ,in pain? The bankers and state will be glad they don't have another burden on the roles. I think the bank will seize the house, if my mom isn't alive,and if she can't get that bad loan taken care of.She wants to get profit but she bought a house that isn't even up to code in a depressed poor area of appalachia.And because she has that loan she is loathe to sell this place.I am so trapped.And I dunno if she even is aware that living here is slowly killing me.. According to the price tags we all wear in this country but deny we have them put upon us, I am worth $0.00.

No other country would want me because I have no special talents,artists are a dime a dozen and I would be a drain on their system.They will not take me when there is a line full of better people worth more than me who can wave money under the noses of the border police that other countries would prefer to have as citizens.

When the shit hits the fan and when it does I hope death comes to me quickly,because I cannot afford to pay for my meds,on SSI and if SSI is cut, well I am doomed. There will be younger people with better bodies in line for every job,I have no job experiences or references.
I won't be chosen.I am nobody.

I am so alone it would be easier to take feeling like this,facing the future if I had real allies,a place to go where I felt safe and wanted where others were who were looking for the same thing,a community.I wish there was someone else in the world who was willing to stand by me in real life and not be an abusive jerk or a manipulator. I would support them with all I have if they wanted to support me back. I feel like I have things to offer others that are beautiful, problem is nobody wants it, nobody cares.

People want me to be sunny all the time or shut up and so I act sunny as long as I can.Or I disappear and beat down the thoughts and emotions that torment me until I am numb enough to look like I am not in distress. I try to distract myself,or do other stuff to cope.But sometimes I can't hold it back and when I can't no one has the time or gives a shit, my counselor has a huge caseload.She is so busy why bother? Or other things come up that are more important to the people around me,than my situation, or helping me, or just being there so I just shut it up. I realize nobody has time to deal with me.So what do I do? I just go to sleep hoping death comes to me.I wait for death. I have no future worth being in. There is no looking forward to, except more of the same.

It hurts horrible to live as outcast, not of my own doing.I'm not important to anyone never was,last priority should have been my name. I am scared shit-less of the future, politically it is so threatening to me I am so unprepared. I am invisible to the politicians, except when they want to cut benefits to useless eaters to make it look like they are doing something to appease the "middle class".. I'm hurting,scared,sad, furious and achingly alone in these emotions.

I don't know how long I can take it in this cage, this suburban trap,this situation,so alone,so dismal,so futile.

Sigh.If you got this far, thanks for reading it.

[BeHereNow]

1. Big hugs to you...

and may I offer you my personal roadmap.
It's the one thing that has made sense to me,
no matter what I am going through, ever since I discovered it
at the age of fourteen.
BHN

"The Time of Your Life

In the time of your life, live--so that in that good time there shall be no ugliness or death for yourself or for any life your life touches. Seek goodness everywhere, and when it is found, bring it out of its hiding-place and let it be free and unashamed. Place in matter and in flesh the least of the values, for these are the things that hold death and must pass away. Discover in all things that which shines and is beyond corruption. Encourage virtue in whatever heart it may have been driven into secrecy and sorrow by the shame and terror of the world. Ignore the obvious, for it is unworthy of the clear eye and the kindly heart. Be the inferior of no man, nor of any man be the superior. Remember that every man is a variation of yourself. No manís guilt is not yours, nor is any manís innocence a thing apart. Despise evil and ungodliness, but not men of ungodliness or evil. These, understand. Have no shame in being kindly and gentle, but if the time comes in the time of your life to kill, kill and have no regret. In the time of your life, live--so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it.

William Saroyan"

:hug: :loveya: :hug: :pals:

[BeHereNow]

2. Another Saroyan gem, for the artists-

“The role of art is to make a world which can be tolerated.”

Keep making your art.
I know how hard it can be to do.

I am a songwriter and currently in what I call the "desert."

We have to fight it; this current world and culture has never appreciated art less.
Witness, American Idol and so forth.

This is why it is imperative that we DO make art.
It is the only thing we can control and the only thing
they can never take away.

BHN

[undergroundpanther]

3. this is why

I am tattooing myself, to bring the feline beauty I see in here, out there.I am trying to claim myself back to myself.
But people do not understand it,they fear or act like assholes for reasons I'll never really understand. My life has been one long wrenching cry of... Why?

I wish I was not born,existing hurts.Yeah there is no justice,sense or sanity here, this is not my home,I am alien to here, I cannot handle this place.I tried .It crushes me day after day.. As for art if I make it, someone will tear it apart, get offended, taunt or make it into a masturbatory kind of profit game,I see the dollar signs in their eyes as they talk and talk about shit like "ooh your so talented you could make money"...but they offer me no help in how to do that,they just talk to fill up air I guess ,because they are cheap,and words are cheap.This is including my mom..Then if it is too raw what I made,too true they tear me apart for saying it, drawing it, being it.And it is becoming painful to draw write and create my arms and hands ache.And if I can't do art/write I might as well be dead because I have nothing else.

There is nobody willing to stand by me in this world,I have very very slim chance of meeting someone where I live who is willing to come into my world and stand with me, no one I can cherish who will cherish me in return,Why? I guess it is because I am worthless to this world..I know it hated me from the beginning, it will hate me until I die. I am so tired of fighting.Finding beauty in this place feels like I'm making a silk purse from a sows ear all the time.I can't lie inside like that, I can't do it my mind does not believe it, or trust it.. for everything beautiful dies, everything precious is defaced ,every thing innocent,raped..and torn apart..Why?.

[BeHereNow]

4. I don't share my art with anyone anymore.

The act of making art completes all that is needed.
You must protect your "children."
This world is not a safe place for art, but that
doesn't mean you should stop making it.
Just don't share it, unless you are sure of the person
you share it with.
That works very well for me.

BHN

[Droopy]

5. It sounds like you and East Wind were made for each other

http://www.eastwind.org/

[mdmc]

6. thanks for this link droopy

what else do you know about this scene?

[Seldona]

7. Hey at least you have the SSI.

I haven't made one thin dime in nearly two years. Misdiagnosed, fed the wrong meads, and now am TOTALLY fucked physically. I used to jump out of airplanes and cave dive, own my own business and work 16 hour days, now I can't hold on to my own 11 month old son without fear of dropping him or walk more than 10 feet without wavering like a drunk guy.

My wife has assumed 100% of the financial, as well as many other, burdens. She rarely says it since I got my diagnosis from a decent lab, but she really believes I am faker and a nutcase(Both her terms). Sher likes to play into my loss of work identity a lot as well. I guess you could call it my manhood, she does. It's no wonder I have freaking anxiety.

On top of all this I lose the only anchor I have ever had, my father. Sitting here typing this staring at his week old urn. I feel like fucking Job!

Now I am stuck here, unable to even walk to get get groceries let alone carry them back, and SSI is nowhere in site. A lawyer? LOL

Trust me, the safety net is ALREADY GONE. You just got grandfathered in.

[easttexaslefty]

8. " I wait for death"

I understand that feeling. This life can be so cruel. I'm sorry for your pain......

[Mnemosyne]

9. Just

:hug:

[blondie58]

10. (((undergroundpanther)))

I am so sorry that you're in so much pain. To be honest, I look for your writings, you've touched something in me, many many posts ago.

The angst in your rant is strong. You have a gift with words. I don't think that you are an outcast, and I would be surprised if any of the people in your life consider you an outcast.

I guess what I am just trying to say is that I care and I am sure that I am not alone here. I hope that you feel some peace and relief soon.