New here.

[Roon]

Some of you might know me, but in case you don't, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am gay,39-years-old and have had HIV/AIDS since 1990. I have had mental health issues all my life. My parents divorced when I was very young. My step-father tried to shoot me when I was 13, and I cut myself several times as a gay (closeted) teen. Also, I was overweight,wore hearing aids, and I was plagued with learning disabilities. Of course, I wasn't very popular. What was really rough about that was my brother and sister were straight A students, popular, athletic, and were just all around good kids.

I dropped out of school the day I turned 16 and got my GED. I worked several jobs and was struggling with being gay. I met a real nice woman when I was 19 and we ended up getting married. I thought that if I married a woman, I wouldn't be gay anymore. Didn't work..LOL...Anyway I went to truck driving school, got a job, and was driving OTR. Got into a couple of accidents, got fired and was blackballed from the profession.

I finally came out, got a divorce, and went through several abusive relationships.

A few years ago my EX came home, drunk, and started verbally abusing me. I was drunk too, and I flipped out and cut myself. I was committed for 72-hours and put on meds. Within weeks I was feeling a lot better. I was enjoying life again. No more anxiety or depression. I was thrilled! My ex, however, wasn't happy about me being on meds because he couldn't control me. He would try to egg me on in a fight and I would just ignore him. This really angered him. He finally told me it was either him or the meds. So I quit my Zoloft and Risperdal cold turkey and went through a hell of a time going through withdraw.

I was miserable again, drinking, fighting with my ex, bla bla bla. I finally had enough and kicked him out. I immediately went back on meds.

As the HIV progressed into AIDS I was transferred to another clinic for people like me. I was thrilled that they had a phyce program and I immediately made an appointment with the shrink. They didn't carry Risperdal and I was put on Geodon instead. Big mistake, I started feeling like crap. I was fatigued, light headed, nauseas, and weak. By this time I have had HIV/AIDS for a long time and I just thought it was the virus taking it's toll on my body. I have been popping pills since 1990 and I tolerated any drug that was thrown at me, I had no clue it was the Geodon that was making me feel like crap. By this time, they started carrying Risperdal and I went back on that.

So, in conclusion. I am on Zoloft, Risperdal, Buspirone, and seraqoel for sleep. I haven't felt this good since I was a child. No anxiety, no depression. I just feel "normal". I had loneliness issues when I first became single again, but I got a roommate and that solved that problem. I wish they had these meds when I was a kid, I might have even gone on to college and did something great.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, my shrink keeps pushing me to go to group, but I have a hard time with group because I can't hear. This is probably the next best thing. :-)

[Droopy]

1. Thanks for joining us, Roon

You know when psych meds are working right when you just feel normal. People I tell that too wonder what's so great about being normal. Well, when you've spent ten years chasing demons around your head you really learn to appreciate feeling normal.

It's strange how meds work for some people and don't for others. When I was first diagnosed they had me on Risperdal, too. But that stuff made me feel like a vegetable. I was sleeping 15 hours a day on that stuff. Then they put me on Geodon, and a hefty dose I might add, and things totally turned around for me. I now take Geodon, lithiumm, Wellbutrin, and cogentin and I feel like I did before I became ill. Which is normal. :) And deity of your choice, that is one excellent feeling.

Anyway, I'm glad that you have joined us. We have a very supportive group here. This forum moves a lot slower than the rest of the board, but don't be discouraged if no one replies right away. Just give it a little time and we'll be with you.

[Roon]

2. Thanks Droopy

My most recent ex-boyfriend was bi-polar and no matter how much we worked with it, we couldn't find the right meds to help him. He is still suffering to this day and I just feel terrible for him.

[Droopy]

3. I have schizoaffective disorder

I have some symptoms of schizophrenia and some of bipolar disorder. If you don't mind me asking, what is your diagnosis?

[Roon]

4. I really don't know what my actual diagnosis is

I just know that I had depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. I need to ask my doctor what my diagnosis is.

[Roon]

5. to add

I just know that I used to think people were talking about me, when a group of people at a bar or rester aunt laughed, I used to think they were laughing at me. I also had periods of repeating disturbing thoughts.

[Droopy]

6. I used to have similar thoughts, but mine progressed

into something much more horrid. I came to think that people could read my mind and see my most private thoughts. I thought if someone could see my face then they could see what I was thinking. I also began hearing voices that I thought were evidence of people communicating telepathically. In that phrame of mind I became the most evil person on the face of the planet. I became defensive in my thoughts to try to drive the perceived invaders out of my mind and I would imagine the most evil things to do so. It was a living hell. A real hell could not be any worse.

[Roon]

7. damn, that sounds terrible

does the medication do OK for you? When I was first single again I was in a lot of pain from being lonely. I am so glad that I don't have to deal with that now.

[Droopy]

8. The medication works wonderfully

And that's something that some people, even here at DU, do not wish to acknowledge.

[Roon]

9. I have a friend that doesn't believe in meds..

and her girlfriend has a severe case of MPD. She was on meds but my girlfriend got her to quit taking them because it interfered with her "creativity". My friend thinks that I should just "snap out of it". It really pisses me off sometimes. Her girlfriend suffers too, I can see it.

[hunter]

10. I wouldn't wish that "off my meds creativity" on anyone...

The only people who believe that crap are the people who don't have to live with me.

What may look like performance art to some dullards is pure unadulterated dancing with demons in my head crazy. It's hell.

I'm not gonna be anyone's freak show.

Droopy is right, that feeling of "normal," of ordinary balance, is a magnificent thing.

[Roon]

11. that feeling of "normal," of ordinary balance, is a magnificent thing.

Yes it is, and my friend thinks that if you feel otherwise, you should just dismiss it.