Tattoo therapy?

[undergroundpanther]

I went today to get my cat stripes worked on,...

I realized for me it's not just pretty designs it's therapy.

Let me explain,
After (despite years and years of conventional therapy)I have lived miserable because I betrayed myself.I existed as other people wanted me to and buried many of my own dreams and potentials,or they were buried for me by others including my parents.I died bit by bit to fit a social role that was not mine.. It was a social death sentence.

Since I was born female,I was by ignorance dressed up as conventional wisdom forced to be a girl.But I can't be a girl because I ain't one,never was..So now I dress androgynous because inside I am not female .( I am awaiting top surgery,bottom internal has been done) People are beginning to comprehend trans gender people and understand that it is not all in the persons head..And this is a good thing for humanity it sets people free to find what they are..

When I was little in my youngest days that I can remember,before the abuse,I was a boy 'like cat,at least that's how I thought of myself and it felt well, natural. It was natural until people told me I was bad,wrong,perverse,inappropriate or hateful for being it.My mom still talks about me stealing the roast off the dinner table when I was three and taking my food outside to eat it in privacy in the bushes. She talks in an exasperated way about it to this day.Covering up her shame at her weird kid's antics with lame humor.Like there was something wrong with me if I did what came natural.
But all that struggle to be what she wanted was different in my eyes than it was in hers.Her and my father's vision for who I must become murdered the potential yet different me with brute coercion and domination.

With my cousin who was my age it was different, she had no issues with me, I was always some kind of lion king,because all the other roles felt wrong to me. So being creative we just worked a lion or a tiger or some cat guy hero into our pretending. When she got older and other kids chastised her she felt shame at knowing me because she believed they had a right to tell her who she should associate with.Conform or die.
.
When I got older I tried to "fit in" with humanity it felt wrong,awkward and stiff. I had a hard time with it. It felt so put on. Like a mask. I have wore that mask for over 30 years.When I was dressed against my will in girl clothes it was horribly uncomfortable for me. When I got home the shoes were off the shirt was off and I was in the trees,outside in the woods I felt at home with the smells of leaves and the wind and sky.

School was a horror for me not only because I was the scapegoat,but because it was a silent internal torture just to sit at a desk under fluorescent lights,bored to tears,when the smell of the grass wafted in the classroom window along with small smears of the sun and the sounds of the woods.I felt so caged,and alone and nobody ever understood this stress in me.I couldn't begin to articulate it..either. I got diagnoses ADD to drug away my wildness. Could it be I was a feline spirit having difficulty adjusting to a cage? No nobody thinks that is a valid issue do they? But were these adults capable of empathy when they don't like the answer? NO. They don't want to hear,stop controlling ,stop dominating,be considerate,have compassion,have some patience kindness and put away that ego,or the kid might be different for a reason not connected with any 'disorder',there might be nothing to fix in the kid,and allot to be fixed in the parents..even more to be fixed in society.

I learned early on to suppress my feliness,because others couldn't stand it.It seems being yourself is a threat.You must fit into a narrow definition,of"normal" one I could not stand being in..So bullies tore up my tail ripped off my ears as if to say how dare you be what you are inside,Conform or die! And how dare you be UNAFRAID!
I heard slurs like Dyke,devil-cat,etc.

When I look at my arm and the beautiful shaded tiger lines my heart feels more at peace. I see the old razor blade cuts from years ago trying to say what I could not speak even to myself , that my stripes were trying to emerge. Now I don't desire to cut my skin with sharp things in frustrated disgust or claw away the human suit forced upon me by other peoples fears. Because the human suit is going away.I find I am making peace inside,finding my way home,to my own heart's desire, piece by piece. And it feels good.

I am beyond caring what others think of me,anymore whether they gawk like idiots say smart ass bullshit,think I look weird or extreme.I have found I really need to care what I think of me,for once, because if I keep trying to be something I am not to please others or avoid their ignorant or social programming reactions I will die. A Job is the first objection people raise? I can't work work 9-5 I have been unable to. I look at it like this: If I starve because employers don't want to hire me,fine.I have no job history so they wouldn't want me anyway. Everything has consequences some are forced some are chosen and the consequences of being what I am not is more of a threat to my life and mental health than fearing others reactions to my appearance.I need to feel at peace within and safe in my own skin in any way that works for me before I can do anything else..I am an artist I can sell my skills,I do from time to time.I can manage it because all my life I have already managed..But as long as I wear the mask other people want me to wear to fit their wishes and soothe their fears I will be in pain.

So I have made a choice,to take my freedom where ever it leads.To find peace inside me.

When I got back from the tattoo shop today and I took off my bandage to look at the work I got done,I realized I was touching my arm tenderly as tears welled up at the beauty (of my own skin)I saw that NO ONE could ever take my stripes away.. As I was putting on the ink fix. I felt a warm self loving kind of joy,a satisfaction that up until I started the tattooing and tail wearing again I felt so very little in my life. And as for my arm of stripes, to cut this skin in my rage or despair would be blasphemy to my true soul .This is how I feel about it.

Body modification for me at least is a way for me to rewrite my own identity,in my own way.It's a way to take the poisons forced onto me from others, out of my body,out of my skin,to take the invisible stamp of parental rejection,social control and the hate infection that harmed me for years,and neutralize it in beauty..I undo the bad self I was born and forced into being against my will,those self internalized ,voices of abuse,fear,loathing and frustration fade into silence by the color of ink.I'm rewriting myself into a new form,my true form and it feels so empowering to me.

Does anyone else see body modification as a kind of therapy here?

[Droopy]

1. First off, let me say that

for somebody who hated school you certainly learned how to write well and I think that writing is very important for self expression. I find that I can express myself so much better through the written word than I can through any other form of self expression. If you were to have a talk with me you'd think I was the most boring person (hell, you might think that anyway).

As far as body modification goes, I've often thought about getting a tattoo, but I haven't lately. I think that tattoos and piercings are just another form of self expression and that clearly seems to be the case with you. I really had the urge to get a tattoo when I was experiencing my symptoms and I don't know what stopped me. I'm a trucker so it is not uncommon for people to be adorned with body art in my line of work. I would not have experienced any kind of backlash from my employer. I've always been rather modest, though, and maybe that is why I didn't get tattoos.

If I were to meet you in person, ugp, I would see that you are different and I would probably be drawn to you. I think we are all unique individuals, but that doesn't manifest itself in a lot of people. Many are too concerned about keeping with the status quo to do any self exploration. And for those who do some self exploration, it probably isn't common for them to change their appearance. You wouldn't know that they are different until they open their mouths or until you are invited into their homes.

[undergroundpanther]

2. thanks

>for somebody who hated school you certainly learned how to write well >and I think that writing is very important for self expression.

Thank you.
Well it wasn't until I met my partner and I went on line
that I got my real writing confidence.I used to have allot of stuff in my head and I would just keep it there. All these things I wanted to say..But the spelling police, the trolls the ever present critics always tore into the things I said not to be constructive or offer tips but to tear it apart for the fuck of it ,it was like middle school all over again.
Since then I write for myself with no regrets and I have decided I will not be ashamed of typos my vulnerabilities feelings or thoughts ,bullies are scum and they get off on destroying and cannot feel anything tender(because they are terrified of looking weak or admitting they are vulnerable) but instead seek the hate and posturing gives them a rush of power tripping.
One that dynamic repeated itself enough times to become inescapably obvious to me, I decided I will just write what I write,and say it despite them.And I refuse to be ashamed of what I am the ugly bits the depressed the crazy it's as legit a part of me as my wit,creativity and all. So I talk over them ,I ignore everything they say that serves no use for me.And they hate when I do this because they know they look powerless to control me.

>If you were to have a talk with me you'd think I was the most boring >person (hell, you might think that anyway).

Don't assume what I may think of you until I meet you.I have found I seem to be gravitated to deep still waters.I'm a deep babbling brook,because I hang out with deep thinkers,and I am outgoing so I babble.Weird combo I guess..my partner is intellectual and very"normal" compared to me.


>If I were to meet you in person, ugp, I would see that you are >different and I would probably be drawn to you.

I would probably become fascinated with you too.

>I think we are all unique individuals, but that doesn't manifest >itself in a lot of people.
> You wouldn't know that they are different until they open their >mouths or until you are invited into their homes.

I bet that's how it is with you,I just love being surprised by people when they trust me enough to reveal the hidden wonders of who they are to me,it's like I'm being given a precious secret thing.