Mom is pissed at me again

[undergroundpanther]

Ok I went to bed a little later than she would like 1 am.You guys know I have insomnia.I usually hit the sack around 4 am or later.Many nights since she's been here I laid awake in bed because she's pushy and I don't want to get into ya ya.. Last night was no different I laid awake petting my cats.

I was watching TV Keith olbermann before I went to bed at 1.

Mom was conked out in her room.She had went to bed early.

at 1 am I turned off the tv and got ready to crash.As I did she got up to hit the bathroom. I said to her as she passed me, mom goodnight I'm going to bed now.She snapped " It's about time". That pissed me off but I swallowed it. She went back to bed.

It pisses me off when she acts all demanding over what I am doing or not doing and it seems to have no reasons for it other than a momentary excuse to tell me to pay attention to her indirectly or just to make me jump. Just like when she comes down for no reason and demands I get off the computer..NOW. I asked her what for and she couldn't tell me other than she thought I was online too long. Grrrr.

When I went to bed,last night I lay awake until around 3 am. Waiting until I was tired enough to sleep.I played with the cats all three were on my bed.
She quietly as if she was sneaking pushed open my door and poked herself in. No reason for it that I could ascertain just poking.

I hate when people poke into my room while I am "sleeping" whether I am sleeping or not.Staff in mental hospitals poke in every 15 minutes and I hated that too. But since when is my mom staff.
Considering the lack of boundaries I grew up with,and the abuse I really hate having people waltz into my room without a tap on the door if I haven't asked them in.I hate it it feels unsafe.It feels like I have no space to just relax .


Last night I was mad she did that,creeping in my door like that and I told her what are you doing? Don't just walk in here please knock first. OK ?She stumbled over her words and said some bullshit about looking for the phone,She has the phone in HER room. And who is she calling at 3 am anyway? She gave me a bullshit excuse.

Now today she came downstairs all offended that I accused her of sneaking around my room.
All I wanted was respect of my privacy in my room.
She's all pissed that I DARE accuse her of sneaking around..
She called me paranoid and pulled the you are sick card,and that just burned me because I know what's on TV mom has been glued to it..and I hear what she thinks about "those people"mentally ill people like the VT killer lock them up..uh huh..She got me so pissed off I ranted about it on another thread on DU.Fuck her denial..Her husband pointed a rifle at her yelling that she killed him!!WTF? yeah those evil nuts like my fucking father and by extension,because I am responsible for her misery, me.How soon she forgets I saved her fucking life that day..

Well she has done that sneaking around my space and things before she once wrote in my diary years ago so I don't keep one anymore.The first time my Ex stayed over she rifled through the contents off his backpack while he and I were out getting donuts at Klein's.And It was embarrassing trying to tell him to not take her nosy ways personally.I was trying to keep the peace.

Fact is she DOES nose around. She has done it many times before and got offended/denied it lied about it before.But last night that was not my beef with her.She is insisting it was,like I accused her blah blah.

All I wanted was my boundary of privacy in my own room respected and she just violated it as if it wasn't there and I let her know I have a boundary about my room and she again is using my simple wish to have my bedroom private space respected when I am in bed as an excuse to be offended and provoke the hell outta me.

I don't like feeling like my own space is not private with her around.I have to keep the bedroom door cracked for my cats so they can hit the box or whatever.Mom knows this is the case every time I have had cats and she knows a cracked door is a closed door.Again she lies she tried to tell me the cracked door meant she could walk right in..Well the cats can, but she can't.The door is cracked for the cats.When my room is open door I still like a bit of forewarning if someone's gonna walk in.

I think that kind of respect of bedroom space is ok to want right?
While mom has been here I never walk in her room without knocking. I don't go in there unless invited. How come she cannot treat me with the same respect?


Never mind that mom every goddamn morning she opens ALL THE curtains in the house including the big picture window before I get up so when I do mosey to the bathroom I feel exposed.She don't give a shit,She has no damn boundaries.

She has no consideration of that.And I have told her and she just ignores my simple requests.

I am so sick of her crap and her digging for excuses to be offended being treated as the garbage can of the family and talked about as if I cause of all of mom's misery..The evil child the loser the good for nothing,ect.ect..(my other two sisters are so considerate of mom so fun and a joy , and I hear it at least once a day about how wonderful they are,and she so quickly forgets my attempts to be fun, kind and positive stuff with her while trying to manage all the triggers she sets off in me like her fucking booze and her hateful speech hypocrisy and rudeness. I have just about had it.I am so frustrated I feel as if I could cold cock her in the head sometimes, to the friggin moon.

but I suppress the hell out of it.
I am trying very hard not to turn this in wards. but already I feel the suicidal feelings simmering up and I don't know what to do.
I don't want to apologize and shit for just wanting my space but she is so fucking manipulative and full of shit sometimes I can say when she pulls this stupid game of hers on me I really hate her. And the cognitive dissonance she brings. I want to love my mom but she makes it very hard to do.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

1. Get a lock on your door from the inside so you can sleep.

And failing that, push a big piece of furniture against the door so she can't open it, or put a chair tilted under the doorknob.

Good luck and hugs to you.

[EFerrari]

2. Does your mom have a problem with low level paranoia?

Because it sounds like she does.

I used to think Doug was being manipulative (sometimes he was), had waffly boundaries (sometimes he did) and was lying to me (that happened, too) and projecting his bs all over me (yick!) but eventually I found out he was trying to deal with stuff happening in his head that no one knew about -- and he was in his late 30s, undiagnosed.

And then, see, it wasn't so personal any more. It didn't excuse the behavior, but understanding that helped me step back and not turn it all in on myself.

I don't know if that makes sense. :silly: