Let us discuss pain

[Droopy]

I think we need a little controversy in here. Kinda liven up the place a bit. I was going to write about medication, but I figure fuck that. Most people just do what works for them and I think that's what is great about this country- we are free to do that. For the moment anyway.

Today I got to thinking about what I've been through in my life. I guess I will think about what happened to me every day for the rest of my life. But I thought about it from a different angle today. Most people do not know what real pain is. They might sense it a little when they see the pictures of the broken bodies coming home from Iraq, but most people aren't close enough to empathize with that. They might feel it for a little while when say a loved one passes away, but most people don't understand what it's like to be terrified for a decade. At least not in this country.

I expended so much emotional energy when I was in my 20s that I feel like an old man now even though I'm only 34. People are sometimes surprised about my age when they've read what I've written and how I write and have never seen me before. I've been through some serious shit, folks, and not only has it matured me beyond my years, it probably has taken a lot of years off of my life.

It is my view that the only way people can really understand what it feels like to be seriously mentally ill is to have experienced it. I don't even think the doctors that treat us totally understand. We can tell them what we feel like, but we can't make them feel that way. How do you make a normal person feel psychosis or severe depression or mania or panic attacks? I bet the best psychiatrists and psychologists out there are the ones who have struggled with a mental illness themselves.

I've done my best to relay to people what it's really like to be psychotic. I have an essay that I posted here a while ago that tells you a little bit about my experience. You may be able to find it somewhere in the back pages if you'd like to read it. But it's really just the tip of the iceberg. It can't make you feel what it's like to feel like you are some unevolved, subhuman, paranoid waste of reproductive cells. It won't give you the thousand yard stare or make you want to eat a bullet every day for ten years.

That is the whole problem with mental illness. People just can't relate to that whacked out shit. So the conclusion is that mental illness isn't real or that the mentally ill are weak. People have no idea how much pain we go through. People don't have any idea about how much strength and courage it takes just to get out of bed and face the world when you feel like you are being emotionally and psychically raped every day.

My meds work great and I have recovered the mental state that I had before I got ill. I don't have any symptoms anymore and I don't feel drugged. I just feel normal. I don't worry and stress very much now. I take things one day at a time. I'm very easy going and I don't have any enemies. Little things that worry some people don't bother me.

Take care, everyone, and don't sweat the small stuff.

[DemExpat]

1. My psychiatrist who helped me in some ways to gain insights

was the first to tell me that being physically ill is visible to people and therefore they can understand and relate to it easily, while mental pain is only visible by moods and expressions (or not) of feelings, abnormal behavior, and is tucked into our nervous systems so that we look "normal", at least physically...

I agree - most people have NO idea what it is like - they have no reference point or way of even imagining the horrors of mental pain and illness.


Great to hear you are feeling so good - sometimes in long good periods I almost forget I (had) (have) such demons within myself.

I also agree with Dr. Phil on television - Life is something to be handled, not cured.

:hi:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

2. Droopy, I couldn't agree more.

And I watched as people projected their expectations all over Doug and somehow related to those instead of to the person right in front of them. They had no idea and more, they probably couldn't handle the idea, let alone the reality.

I feel so profoundly different to my core than I did before this experience. I have seen and felt and interacted with a situation that most people will never see or feel or interact with. Lately, it's been a net pain to me but, I will always be grateful that I got to see a little bit of this whole other world of being. The world is rounder than I thought it was.

It's so great that your meds work great. Doug's need constant tinkering and they probably always will. It's like being on a treadmill endlessly and still trying to pretend your life is like the lives of other people. For the wrestling match with drugs alone, I give Doug all the credit in the world.

When I rest up from this last, I want to write about this again. Because the day when mental illness is invalidated tacitly and silently, that day is OVER.


:hug:
:grouphug:

[undergroundpanther]

3. For me

It's different I feel a low grade emotional pain all the time. even when I am reasonably happy.

I have a minefield of triggers to manage and around 40 different people in my head. That I think is why my posts might seem different sometimes.I have pretty good internal communication but sometimes it breaks down than the shit hits the fan, it's really tough when wars erupt inside your consciousness because it's divided up so much.
The stress is hideous when this occurs.
When a trigger hits and I don't have time to catch it or it isn't consciously understood yet I could go from being ok and relaxed goofing around to suicidal in an instant.It makes me hard to deal with.And I am often sorry it happens and beat myself up over it..I try to tell myself It's a symptom but sometimes parts don't get it.

I am emetiphobic so when someone is sick, I want to help them,because I know they are suffering, but I know my presence would make it worse on both of us.So I stay away and try to cope by blocking my ears or whatever.And controlling the panic.

I also lose time so I am late sometimes , sometimes I miss half a conversation and I hate it.Sometimes I don't remember stuff I should, I try to be organized.

Dissociation is strange it can seem like I am walking through fog, or my face goes numb or I feel as if I am falling or floating on the ceiling. I start feeling internal conflict and if memories surface and I abreact which is like reliving a bad experience and it is very hard sometimes to keep myself present and safe, I am very glad there are phone crisis centers I can call during these times.It's scary as hell.Because sometimes I am so dissociated I cannot tell I have injured myself,like touching a stove burner picking up a pot.. I realize I got burnt when my skin was stuck to the hot pan and I had to pull it off.I put ice on it even though I felt no pain. Because I know I will feel it later. Or I crack an elbow , stub a toe and wonder why it's purple and hurts later. Makes me feel like a clumsy fool sometimes. Sometimes I get into rapid switch mode where I cannot control my body or presence The body just shudders and shuts down into this numb catatonic like stuff and I am just gone.I can't communicate when I am like this. My therapists use the finger signal stuff.I dunno why this happens, but if it happens around people who are unfamiliar with multiple issues it freaks them out. I am able to tell them I am not in pain thankfully.But I really hate when that happens.

I am an insomniac from hell. Up real late at night , up too soon in the day. sleep 4 to 5 hours on a good night. I am nocturnal so getting stuff like appointments done is a pain in the ass.Especially since I don't drive the bus runs on a two hour cycle and service stops at 5 pm out here.
I can't take much stress or frustration I get pissed fast and try my best to control it and not subject others to it. I write or punch a big oak tree or something..I hate dealing with red tape.

Sometimes the hyper vigilance makes me really stressed it can make me exhausted and unable to rest. It's torment..
The ADD is a pain in the ass too.

I react when people touch my upper arms or approach me from behind or the side I startle in a fight or flight type response and it's really a pain.I cannot seem to stop it either.I try to anyways..

I deal with alot of emotional pain.I am intense, sensitive and inquisitive by nature, and that makes dealing with these issues harder because I have this drive to resolve this.I am drawn to triggers yet I want to avoid them. It's a hard to deal with situation. Healing this sort of problem is a long term process.It seems like it never ends..

I am trans-gender so I am very conflicted with my gender.
Having an abuse past and dissociative identity makes it harder to get your gender issues taken seriously by shrinks. They seem not to get it or believe you even when the majority of your alters are appearing as males.This causes a lot of frustration.

Also the psych hospitals can cause retraumatization, it has done this for me so I have alot of triggers about psych stuff and it is very hard to trust shrinks.

Pain for me is the result of many psychiatric injuries.
That's what causes complex pstd dissociation and most of my issues.
In other words my whole life hurts.

[Droopy]

4. I can relate to re-living memories

I did some bad stuff when I was struggling with my symptoms and it's those memories that haunt me the most. It seems to be uncontrollable. Something will spark a memory. Maybe a song or maybe someone's name or maybe just a phrase. Then I'm back again somewhere 9 years ago re-living one of the times I got arrested or something. All of the pain, embarrassment, and emotional trauma come back and feel as fresh as the day I actually went through the experience.

Thankfully, the more time I put between me and those experiences the less I remember them. Maybe someday I will totally forget those things. Maybe not.

[EFerrari]

5. I hope you love yourself up when those thoughts come.

We do the best we can in the moment. That's all a person can do.

((((((Droopy)))))))

[Droopy]

8. Thanks for the hugs

:hug: back.

[DemExpat]

6. I see this as being very similar to the mourning process, Droopy,

....All of the pain, embarrassment, and emotional trauma come back and feel as fresh as the day I actually went through the experience.

Thankfully, the more time I put between me and those experiences the less I remember them. Maybe someday I will totally forget those things. Maybe not.

I find that the more you do remember these things the better they are processed, so that you can remember without the trauma. We never forget IMO.

:hug:

DemEx

[Droopy]

7. Maybe

I find that the more you do remember these things the better they are processed, so that you can remember without the trauma. We never forget IMO.

I guess it would be unrealistic to hope to erase certain aspects of my life experience. Sometimes I wish I could, though. I would like to just have a big mental erasure and the next time one of my cringe moments occur I could just delete that experience from my memory. But maybe you are right. Maybe some day I will be able to handle those memories without emotional attachment. The Buddhists are into that sort of thing. Maybe I should start meditating. :)

[EFerrari]

9. Mental hugs. Once remembering a terrible incident of violence and pain

I felt like it would be so good if I could go back and hug us. Really. We were so stressed out and frightened and sort of freestanding -- alone. There was terrible damage and blame to go around.

I wanted to go back and hug those guys.

There is a way to respond to those memories with hugs instead of cringes.

:hug: