My last letter to Doug.

[EFerrari]

I'm not posting this because I want (insert something here), it's just that, this whole process isn't uncommon and maybe if we share it, we can do better, be stronger, do less harm. That's my thinking anyway.

But what do I know? ;)

* * *

This sniping needs to stop. It's unhealthy and just adds ugly to the world. I have no expectation of privacy but that's all right because I also have nothing to hide.

I have no interest in your toy collection. I can have the rest of your things sent to you. Since I've done this many times before, you know I will be scrupulous about sending all your things or whatever you might want of our things.

This is the situation you wanted. The very first time you called me and told me what you needed, I said "yes" to you and to everything you asked for. Your idea that I should somehow magically go away for thirty days was unworkable. Who was going to pay for it? Did you consult my doctor? It would have been easy enough -- he's your doctor, too. No, you didn't. You wanted melodrama not solutions and I hope you got your money's worth.

Do you know that Tim, who died on Thanksgiving, told me you were telling everyone I had a nervous breakdown? Why in the world was that necessary? It only made you look silly to people who interacted with me. Like my family. Half of them are in recovery. Do you honestly believe they would allow me to spiral out of control on their watch? Not a chance in the world. Not in a million years.

And you were going to get everything you wanted. I'd already lost half the weight I gained grieving Andy and now, I've lost the rest. I can't remember when there was last liquor in this house in, all honesty. But you didn't want a "yes" from me, you wanted an out. Fine. That's painful for me, but certainly your perogative. That you wore me out with your demands only ever gained me blame from you for not somehow being super human. I'm not.

You hurt me terribly. You hurt Buddy who died waiting for you. You hurt my family, who overlooked all the times you hurt me out of respect for me, and took you back. You hurt them. You repaid the kindnesses you enjoyed by hurting people without a second thought. I guess that's just who you are.

You say you lost your wife to a bottle two years ago. I remember five years ago in Santa Monica when you were too sick to keep your head up and I remember crying most every night because you were impotent and completely uninterested in doing anything about it. That's why I started sleeping on the couch. Because then, I could avoid resentment and be nice to you in the morning. But, you wouldn't understand that thinking that seeks to do the best thing for everyone.

And, I asked for years for you to get into an Aspie skills class because, *gasp* -- being able to hold a two-way conversation enhances your sex life. But you and Valerie were too busy demonizing me to actually do the work. She was too busy telling you that your wife wasn't your wife to actually help you to the resources that would give you more control over your own life. That's too bad, really.

Aside from the paperwork and the small settling of bills, this divorce should be pretty easy. I didn't want this but respect that you do. And I should be grateful to you because before you did this, I had no idea that you didn't care about me. None. I can be pretty dim. But in any case, I have no desire to live the rest of my life with someone who I can't count on when I need them. So, really, I should thank you for saving me from that.

Take good care, Doug. For my birthday, I had to deal with having my power shut off. That's a pretty fitting end to this marriage. I sent your mom flowers, you had my power turned off. Hilarious, really. I didn't send her a card so that she could just enjoy the flowers. She deserves that at very least.

I hope you have a good birthday. And I hope we can get beyond all this painfulness and do what we're for.