Feeling paranoid

[undergroundpanther]

With this Alito shit,
With the M3 index not being published in March,
China switching it's trade currency,iran switching it's trade currency,The Saber Rattling over Iran,
Bush pissing off china,like an arrogant fool
Rev Moon butt crowned,and Jeb with his Chang Thang,
With Ehrlich's insanity,
The shiny new prison camps being built by Halliburton on the taxpayer dime.
The bankruptcy bill,
Staged "terra" and bird flu hype and biological threats made at Ft.Dietrich coming to a town near you,
Global warming,Contaminated Earth
The"new freedom" commission on "mental health??!!
The noose on our freedom is closing tighter folks.

It makes me so angry,it makes me so paranoid,so sad,so frustrated.
I wonder are the NSA watching everything I type? Saving every angry rant every frustrated post,avery anti bush comment ,every thought I say online that leads to people waking up or questioning "the powers that be" As "evidence"to justify trying torturing the spirit out of me? Will I find myself in some detainment camp being tormented by NSA bullies for their"amusement"? I have been there before,I will not endure it again and become helpless like I was as a kid.
I will not tolerate this authoritarianism.

Political reality hangs heavy and unresolved like a sword of damocles.
I have dreams. Simple ones I fear may never be,because who knows soon,very soon I may be broke and because of my history I may unable to work, to get money,Besides how could I compete with the other out of work people with far more experience and mental stability than I have in a job search? I may find myself forced into a "hospital/camp" because I am "crazy",and I may be drugged or put in restraints or any other sorts of barbaric games sadistic shrinks and military fuck heads can cook up to "convince" me to play their way,covert to jay-sus, and kiss some bully's ass.

With no money in a "ownership" society" like bush is "creating" how can one get food or medicine without money? You cannot.How would I get anything? I would have to take it.And behold I am on "candid camera" taking a wedge of cheddar cheese and eating it in 3 bites.. You saw how looters were demonized in hurricane Katrina for trying to survive on nothing.Everyone pitied the rich the owners..I saw tons of insane judgments by comfortable and defensive people insulated far away from the reality of that disaster,and how the hateful right wing media spun those events to support a downright sociopath reaction against vulnerable desperate people in the resentful,deluded,bullying heartland of America.

And I hate it the sickness of all this shit. It's perverse,it's disgusting,it's like being caught running in the wrong direction in a herd of lemmings racing off a cliff..It makes my heart scream and my eyes flash with fury and my soul long for escape from this country drifting twords hell with me stuck in it stuck in a swift current drowning me,that's not of my choosing.

And I wonder if I get caught at my local store snitching a bunch of bananas or a can of tuna,or cheddar cheese ,or baby formula as I dash out of the store to share it with others, stealing because I and others I know haven't eaten in a week..and the kids are passing out..

How can I get away with it,I am a lousy liar.
Looks like the fascists got an excuse to do what they will to me. If I fight arrest I'll surely get the tazer because authoritarians who get off on domination and playing'enforcer'of'order'hate uppity crazy,strong willed freaks who don't submit like me.And I tell you this shit would be triggering as hell so I could not be subdued easily.I know myself and I would probably get killed. When bullies try to control me I can get pretty pissed.It would be trauma all over again.And THEY know it. So I feel like my psych history makes for a target over my head..just like in Middle School.
And if I was carted off to who knows where what would happen to my cats? To my partner waiting for those bananas and never seeing me again? Just typing this makes tears and fury well up.

I have lived through bad stuff that has on some level has left me vilagent forever.It has seared a severe mistrust of the military,shrinks,and all authority figures in me.I can barely cope with civilization's craziness.Fascist hospitals,military labs and sadistic school bullies didn't tame me and break me yet,so fascism can't either.I can't live with abusers and abusers are threatened by my existence.. I can't shut up and make believe..I can't stomach playing the kinds of compromise and denial games some people can stomach..Games some people do to survive trauma,that end up enabling bullies.I would be dead.
I know trauma colors how I see.
But this time I fear it's not a false alarm.
It's a coming threat.

March.
I am like a lion in a field of predator and prey..playing a deadly game, I speak concealing my fangs,hiding my claws the best I can while my heart flutters like a caged canary warning of wolves in a nation of lambs being chased by wolves in sheep's clothing.The sheep listen to the wolves and they all call me "tin foil hat".
The wind roars icy in my face,and I see the bright blue chute up ahead designed to be distracting to the eyes of the lambs averting the gaze away from the heartless machines waiting in the slaughter house that the lambs follow the leaders twords,they do not hear me for the lambs feel gentle winds, for there is wool in their ears they feel warm,the sun is shining and for them,it's politics as normal..

I haven't heard ANYTHING anywhere about the fate of those people in Hurricane Katrina who were sent to camps in Oregon.
Doesn't scare the piss out of you too?

I call senators and whatnot,still Alito may get confirmed. I am not so sure the Dem's give a shit about this country, about freedom or democracy or me. I wonder is there is something threatening them beyond mere politics? Beyond the fear of not getting re-elected? This is not "politics as usual".
I also know how utterly dead when it comes to empathy bullies are and they do not want to do anything that might compromise their own social position/power and appearance of control.Rats put into an electrified cage will jump when the juice is turned on, if they are prevented escape they will fight with surprising ferocity if they think they have a chance to escape the painful shocks. Rats repeatedly shocked by electrodes but cannot escape,stop jumping and fighting eventually ,and they become despondent helpless,and sit on the electrified cage bottom enduring the shocks because they know cannot do anything to get out or make it stop.They are forever changed ,scarred by trauma.They learned to be helpless. So many kids are abused in America,terrorized by authorities that don't help,bullies,parents,predators a million little Eichmann's that say "get over it" or pooh pooh their observations,situations, thoughts and fears..Boys will be boys my ass.Boys need not be sociopaths to be men.

I am not so confident these days the Dem's are not also manipulating bullies/or bully enablers anymore.I am not so sure the dem party isn't like the despondent rats bowing to the lab technician hoping he'll throw the kill switch.
Every time the Dem's play softball with these tyrants ,and quiver as they expose their bellies to them like sacrificial lambs,and play stupid and go so far as to do absolutely the WORST thing they could do..I am convinced even more our government is chock full of sociopaths that do not give a shit about me or people like me and enablers of sociopaths stuck in a very sick dance that creates a master slave mentality that blinds them to their own distorted thinking.
I fear a cull is coming.

The sword sweeps closer down and I can feel the cold steel breeze.

All I want is it to be over. One way or another.BE OVER.
If I must die,fighting some asshole cop on a power trip I want it OVER.
If I must be in some "concentration camp" let me die from an overdose from a stupid zealot shrink.rather than live that way..
If I must face trauma again,let it be OVER quick.
If I got stuck in some camp,let me DIE or escape fast.
If This fascist threat is to be averted, I wish it would start averting NOW.If Bush is to be impeached let it start NOW.
No more compromises with sociopaths..no more pandering to the psycho right,no more "moderation" with tyranny.No more justice or reality denied.
I wish more people who had more resources at their disposal than I could HEAR the WARNING I hear,and act, on their own behalf on behalf of this country on behalf of people like me,before it is too late.

[DemExpat]

1. Just a reply to let you know that your post is being read, UGP.

If it helps at ALL, your words convey feelings and thoughts that are not unfamiliar to me in varying degrees. (Shared)

:hug: :grouphug:

Sorry I have nothing but hugs for my attempt at solace.

DemEx