Newbie here...sorry to unload first thing.

[fudge stripe cookays]

I'm so completely utterly miserable, and there seems to be no end in sight for it.

I hate my job, I hate Texas, and no matter how much I talk to reprehensor, it doesn't seem to do any good. We talk, and he says he's listening, but nothing changes.

I am so fucking sick of this place. And I can't get him moving on getting out. He's more worried about how much our house can sell for than he is getting me to somewhere more healthy so I can exist on an even keel. It's all about the money.

Back in June, I was diagnosed with MS. I had just lost about 30 pounds, was starting to feel really great about myself, then the bottom fell out. I've gained the weight back, the thought of coming into this place every day is beginning to make me nauseous.

Trying to do my job has become difficult. I need to get into something a little less detailed and tedious. It's become too technical for me-- almost impossible for me to focus, concentrate, or remember tiny detailed things.

They warned me the Betaseron can cause depression. I DON'T want to have to get on antidepressants in addition to everything else. They gave me awful headaches when I tried them 10 years ago. But now I'm worried what will happen if I don't. What if I leave my job and have no insurance and have to get off them? Will I crash harder?

My doctor wanted to give me Ambien when I had to go through a treatment of IV steroids several months back. It's a good thing I didn't have them 2 Fridays ago, because if I had, I probably would have taken the whole bottle.

We've talked about Canada the last few years, and we've just about finished paying off our bills to get up there, but it's like he's immobilized. We have to file the paperwork sometime, and he won't even talk about it.

It's getting to the point where I can't talk to him reasonably about it anymore because when I do he patronizes me and calms me down, but nothing happens. Then I bottle everything up again and explode a week later.

Sorry to unload like this. This seemed like as good a place as any.
FSC

[Susang]

1. Hi FSC!

What a coincidence that we're both having shitty health days, huh? :D

Don't get the Ambien, they say it's not addictive, but my doctor had me on it for two weeks to regulate my sleep patterns and when I stopped taking it, I went through the most excrutiating withdrawal symptoms. What made it worse was the fact that I didn't even know they were withdrawals. I almost threw myself into traffic so I'd get hit by a car and they'd have to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. That way, I wouldn't have to go into work anymore.

I capitulated a month back and went on a low dose of Wellbutrin. Between the shit with my back and my other health issues, I was heading for a major depression and since I've been in that hole before, I knew I had to try to do something more about it before it got too bad. I can't take regular antidepressants (SSRIs), they really fuck with me and caused some horrible side effects, but since this one doesn't affect seratonin, but works on dopamine, it seems to be having some positive effect.

The whole spouse thing is really hard, I don't think they have a clue to what we go through on a daily basis. I made Michael go into the back doctor's with me during my initial exam. He was horrified when they were grilling me over the specifics of my pain and how often I experience it. He basically was only relating his past experience with normal back pain to what I was going through and didn't really seem to understand why I was so incapacitated.

Like you, I bottle everything up, then blow up and have a big emotional moment. He becomes solicitous and promises that he'll help more and do all the housework that isn't getting done, blah, blah, blah. Then things stay exactly the same as they were.

My take on it is, they can't stand thinking about us being sick, so they just don't. Unless forced by one of our emotional outbursts, of course. After that calms down, they go right back to where they were before, pretending the situation doesn't exist and everything was just like it was before we got sick.

There, I unloaded on you. Feel better? :D

[fudge stripe cookays]

2. Thanks sweetie!

:hug: Yes, actually a little better!

I'm sorry we're both going through all this crap. Have they been able to do much since your big needle the other day? Did it give them any indications on how to treat your pain or anything? I hope they can figure out something for you soon. Sucks to be in so much pain. MS sucks, but I'm not in pain, just somewhat uncomfortable from time to time. And tired.

Give u-no-who a smack for me and tell him to coddle you. I SAID SO!

It's not that r's not wonderful about everything else. I can't complain about the housework at all. He does the dishes, takes out the trash, does the yard, cleans out the catbox, walks the dog....he's been TOTALLY ON this stuff since I got sick.

I rarely move off the couch and away from my laptop anymore. When I do, I vacuum and totally clean the bathrooms, but I've become even more of a binge and purge housekeeper now.

I mean, he's wonderful that way. Solicitous and sweet, and affectionate. It's just that-- anything that requires major effort (a move, a job change, anything MAJOR), he absolutely will not be budged until I yank him up by the throat and throttle him with it. The status quo will not and cannot change for him. And discussing it makes him very uncomfortable.

I talked to my mom a little while ago, and it seems I've married my dad. She said he was the EXACT same way. If anything happened, she had to MAKE it happen. So I'm not sure what my next move is.

:eyes:
FSC

[Susang]

3. That's tough

I'm usually the catalyst for change, now that I come to think about it. The thing is, I hate being the "bad guy". It feels like to get anything done, I have to constantly force the issue. Then I'm a harpy. Guess there's no easy way out, huh?

As for my back, I'm set for another big needle day on Friday. The first one only worked somewhat, the pain's duller and less intense, but it's still there. So on to shot #2. They do up to three shots, then they start talking surgery. I'll do practically anything to avoid surgery, but if I have to go that route, I have to go that route. Anything to bend over without pain and having to make that horrible involuntary noise that comes out of my mouth. ;-)

[fudge stripe cookays]

4. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

I know backsurgery has to be one of the most difficult things ever!

Friday. Gotcha. Sending good vibes for Friday!
FSC

[no name no slogan]

5. hey FSC

Sorry I didn't see this earlier-- I haven't been around this group so much since the fog has lifted.

I hope things get better for you really soon. It sounds like a change of environment would do wonders for you. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers (and Sugar's too) and we're hoping for the best for you.

Take care of yourself sweetie. :hug:

[EFerrari]

6. Hey you.

They tried me on every anti-dep in the world and they all made me sick. Until Prozac (and that whole new family of drugs)

It's really hard trying new meds and gets harder. Basically, it's all negative conditioning because we get punished for trying to do the right thing. lol

But, I feel so much better now on the P drug. And the side effects really are outweighed by how it stabilizes my mood. But, that's just me and my chemistry.

It's good to see you posting. Thank you for being here.

best,
Beth