I feel "crazy" regarding my eating disorder

[Nikia]

I went to the dietician this week for the first time and am not really as far as I thought as far as being better with my eating behaviors. I still am eating fewer calories than I need and need to increase my calories in a few different phases. That was discouraging. I got kind of hard on myself and thought of how crazy I am.
1. I am in deep denial about being hungry. I rarely have appetite or feel hunger like I used to or how normal people do. Despite this, I enjoy reading recipes, online restaurant menus, and like looking at pictures of food. When I do this, I don't seem to have appetite but yet I like doing this. Hmmm.
2. My husband asked me what I wanted to look like. I didn't point to women that looked like concentration camp victims. I pointed to women who are a 10-15 pounds heavier than me (or the equivalent). I see myself as heavier than I am.
This doesn't make sense to my logical mind and wonder in what other ways that I am losing it. I can't really even talk about this at my support group as we are careful not to say triggering stuff.

[Droopy]

1. I know someone who is the same way

She is too thin, but I constantly hear her say how she needs lose five more pounds. I tell her that she is too thin as well. I don't know why she doesn't believe me. Her doctor told her that she was in an "anorexic state" but she still goes on with this gotta lose 5 pounds stuff. I went over to her house the other day for pancakes and was very happy to see her eat 4 large ones and some bacon.

I'm going for a long walk with her today. I'm going to explain to her that she can eat what she wants as long as she exercises every day. She won't get fat that way. I'm also going to tell her about 20 times that she needs to put on about 15 pounds not lose 5 more. It's time to start eating some protein AND carbs.

But I really don't know how to reach someone who is in such a state as she is. I'm just going to do what I can and hopefully get her to eat like a healthy person.

[Nikia]

2. It's sort of like an addiction

And in some ways worse because it deals with body and food, something that one has to deal with every day.
For her to even have a chance of getting better, she has to realize that she has a problem. I suppose that is what you are doing. Realize though, that if she is truly anorexic, especially if she has been that way for a while, like more than six months, that it isn't an easy thing to give up. She will probably need some kind of treatment to get better.
I have been doing the therapist and support group thing for the past several months, being resistant to inpatient treatment (expensive and concerns about leaving behind responsibilities), which is best for true recovery. I know that a dietician is good for my treatment too since I wasn't doing as well as I thought on my own.
You must realize that eating food for her is probably not as an enjoyable experience for her as normal people since her appetite may be affected and that she probably has anxiety about food. You must also remember that she probably doesn't truly see herself as most people see her.
My support group also offers a friends and family support group, although I am not sure that they do in all areas. The group is ANAD and they have chapters in many cities. You might want to check it out.

[Droopy]

3. Thanks for the info, Nikia

Yes, I think you are right. It is very much like an addiction. And I have heard of people who look in the mirror and do not see reality. Even though they look too thin to everybody, they'll look in the mirror and see a fat person or someone who could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

[Larissa238]

9. Nikia is right

It is really hard for someone to let go of that kind of control- especially when they KNOW they are going to gain weight, and not look like they want to anymore. I was anorexic for about a year, and recovery is still hard. Like right now, I dont want to eat. I ate a while ago, and I still want to throw up. It dosent go away for a really long time after you "stop". It has been years now (about 5) since I gave it up. Sadly I have gained almost 100 pounds now (which is what people are afraid of) because I dont know when to stop. So the way I combated that was to not eat at all. Now I get shaky if I dont eat for 3-4 hours. I know other recovered anorexics who get that too. Its a sad life, being recovered, but I would take it by far over the "life" I had when it was all about not eating and running 5 miles a day.

[mopinko]

4. ya know, the human mind is an amazing thing

we understand only a tiny bit about it. i find it really fascinating. if a man can mistake his wife for a hat rack, anything can happen.
i guess i am a bigger believer in brain chemistry than in "problems". imho, it is usually the other way around. a kink or a rash in the brain, and emotions and relationships get tangled. appetites, affections, inspirations. all neurochemical storms, easily blown off course. when i think about the complexity of human behavior, i wonder how we survive.

[Nikia]

5. It reinforces itself

I know that my brain chemistry is at least some what messed up. Unfortunately, at least part of what keeps it messed up is the anorexia, which why it seems to make even less sense. For example, if I haven't eaten in a while even like skipping breakfast since I don't really have reserve nutrients, I often find myself in a very depressed mood for no apparent reason. The mood leads me to think negative thoughts. When I eat, my mood improves a lot. I feel fine until I start thinking negative thoughts.
I am hoping that becoming more nourished will help the biological part. I am only eating about 60% of the carbohydrates that I am estimated to need, which I believe play an important part in serotonin formation and other chemicals. I am also low on protein and fat and on several nutrients that aren't in my multivitamin.
I do have some maladaptive behaviors and beliefs from my past though that are conditioned, just as Pavlov dog's were conditioned to salivate when they heard the bell.

[mopinko]

6. shit snowballs, that's for sure

don't know much about the state of treatment for these things. are you on meds of any kind?

[Nikia]

7. No drugs right now

When they tried using SSRIs and tricyclic antidepressents to treat my anxiety a couple years ago, I had bad side effects. I don't know if this means that I am close to a serious mental illness (not that anorexia is not serious) or if I actually have the opposite problem of what these drugs were doing chemically. I take xanax if I need it for anxiety, but this does not seem to effect me either way in wanting to eat and I am afraid to take it regularly as it makes me drowsy and I worry about addiction.
They want to see if eating better will improve my mental state. I have observed that it does short term. If I can follow their plan, it should be apparent, if I can follow their plan long enough. If this doesn't work, I probably will have to solicit donations have inpatient treatment, as insurance only covers $6,000 worth of inpatient treatment (6 days at the decent program in the state).
I would actually be more comfortable trying different drugs in inpatient treatment. As it is now, I need to be able to handle work. Even though I complain that it is something anyone can do, it actually requires a decent amount of concentration, memory, and reasoning. It also requires physical exertion and coordination. I can't take drugs that significantly impair me.

[GreenPartyVoter]

8. I used to feel crazy about it, but I have piled food on top of the

screaming voice and smothered it. I can't hear it any more but I am sure that it is still down in there somewhere. :(

I hope you can figure out what is going on with your eating and work it all out. I have been like you a couple of times in my life, but mostly my issues have been bulimia and massive binge eating leading to obesity. The anorexic phases were very short lived for me. :hug:

[hedgehog]

10. Years ago I learned not to look at myself

because I thought I was overweight. I got it from my mother who was always on a diet. I wasn't overweight and if anything was a little underweight.Later on, when my depression really kicked in and I started gaining weight, I really didn't notice until I had put on 50 lbs. I've tried to lose it for many years and I'm trying something new now not surgery). It might work, but as the first pounds come off, I'm surprised at how scary it is. It just goes to show how complicated body image really is. Good luck and I hope you get to a healthy medium.