ok, not so good.

[mopinko]

so, this is so hard. i can only guess, since he won't really talk, that his session yesterday was about how unhappy he is and how much he regrets everything. so, he cranks up the whole control machine, and does his usually hurtful controlling shit.
we are really broke right now. not in any real danger, just need to clamp down on extras and behave. we had talked and talked, and i tried to be supportive. nudged him a little when he wants to spend. this is an old issue, and the reason he takes care of the money thing is that it is too much turmoil for me. i accept giving up control for the sake of peace. fine. but today, he e-mails me about the concert tickets that he wants to buy. to several concert. when i say aren't we broke, he says i have 20 years of regret, i'm gonna have some fun. (he goes to at least 6-8 concerts a year.) and to top it off, in a side discussion, basically tells me i am a bad mother because i was away on business, and sick as a dog, for our youngest's birthday the other day.
he won't talk about the session, and he won't consider that the concert tickets might be about something besides his love of music.
i see he is hurting. but i also see he is denying as usual. if his therapy is nothing but blaming everything on me, what do i do?
how do i survive the shit storm that is obviously coming my way?

[DemExpat]

1. I agree with you that a storm is probably going to come into your lives

while he goes through this process....now, how to survive it?

:shrug:

The way I handled stuff like this was to ease off and retreat a bit myself from trying to engage him or even responding to his misplaced jabs.
This is SO hard to do, but if you guys cannot live in separate living quarters while he learns to face himself - and this won't go easily and smoothly IMO - then you might need to make a decision/pact to leave each other alone (get off each others' backs) during this process.

One tip for you would be to try, as hard as it is, to not take his attacks personally, for his unhappiness really has nothing to do with you, in my view. All misplaced pain from earlier childhood relationships....
I wasn't very successful in dealing with this kind of situation, but now know that by backing off you let the other hash it out and hopefully come to his senses, while trying to engage him while he is struggling will possibly lead to further revolt and withdrawal.

Good luck with this, I really do appreciate and know what you are facing.

:hug:

DemEx

[no name no slogan]

2. Take care of yourself-- hang in there

One thing I learned the hard way is that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I know it's hard to hear him talk like that, but you owe it to both of you to be as well as you can for your family.

It sounds like he's trying to exert control re: the concert tickets-- maybe he feels its the only part of his life he can control these days? I'm just projecting here, of course....

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember that everything happens for a reason-- even if we can't tell what it is at first. Things will get better, and you'll be stronger for it.

:grouphug:

[Blue_Roses]

3. one of the things that I see when

my spouse starts pulling out some childhood issues (he had a horrible childhood)is his "control" and "power" issues.I sometimes wonder if it's his over compensating for that helpless feeling he felt as a child when he was going through such horrible abuse. It's like we take one step foward and two steps back. I know how you feel and sometimes I feel like giving up. When they bring up anything in the past that they haven't dealt with before, it hurts in a way that they've never felt before so I think they overcompensate with "power" trips. You take care of you:hug:

[TrogL]

4. Get control of the money now

the reason he takes care of the money thing is that it is too much turmoil for me

You've got turmoil anyway being broke while he blows money on concert tickets (if I understand the situation correctly).

I had to grab monetary control away from my partner who is bipolar. He'd go on a manic swing and blow money or go on a depressive swing and try to cheer himself up with spending.

Once I took control, he had to find other, safer outlets.

[mopinko]

5. thank you all, and

everything that has been said here is pretty on target. we are trying to work out the cease fire terms. but he called me a bad mom. and i lost it.
but here's the funny thing. i am, right now, finally enjoying some relief from physical problems that i have been trying to get properly diagnosed and treated for well over 10 years. i have fibromyalgia, which has had me wracked with pain for the last 4. it probably started before that- about 25 years ago. i am finding out a lot about this disease now, and it turns out it is really more of a mental illness. there is are no changes detected in muscles, only in pain receptors and sensations. one theory is that it is actually a sleep disorder, which screws up brain chemistry. now i can look back and really see how my own moods have functioned. i have never had a real big depression, but i have had a few reality-based funks. i am thin skinned and emotional. that is all my paintings are about. not the world's happiest person, but coping. anyway, i started taking a low dose of trazadone at night to iron out the sleep. 90% of my pain has been relieved. and although all this is kinda getting to me, swimming with rocks in my pockets has not seemed like a reasonable response here. i feel normal. i feel good.
so i look back at those funks, and i remember what it felt like to be hanging by my toes to the edge of the planet. and i see that in him. and here's the thing- he has a sleep disorder. he has terrible apnea that i have been nagging him to see a doctor for. lately, he has begun twitching in his sleep, nearly running in place.
so, i begged him to see the doctor, and told him that i really think he is suffering from this screwed up sleep. i will call the doctor tomorrow, and try to get him over there. he never ever goes to the doctor, but i have a great one. i am just not going to sit here in this shit storm when it might be a light drizzle with some good sleep.
we blew off enough steam to probably talk sanely tomorrow. wish me luck.

[EFerrari]

6. mopinko, sorry if I'm not getting it.

Are you talking about a partner or about one of your kids? I haven't been here long enough (and not much lately) so I don't know.

And, who else is helping with this situation?

I do wish you luck! I've been pretty worn out lately and our house has been less serene than I need it to be. Luck to us all.

:hug:

Beth

[mopinko]

7. this is my husband

right now we each have a psychologist that we are seeing. i have had 4 sessions. this started after his second.
this is the problem that we have. most of the time he is a great guy and a loving husband. but he gets emotional- threatened, or whatever, and like blue roses said- the control issues come out. and he is just someone else. 180. and a pattern of things that is always the same. over and over. like a facial tick.

[EFerrari]

9. Ah, I get it now. Thank you.

:)

[mopinko]

8. aarrrgghhh my doc is out of town

won't be back until monday.