Aunt B is my mother's sister in law. She gave me permission to print this.
Dearest Erik:
I feel so badly about this - I did speak to your Mom tonite and she was screaming at me. She is the one who told me to have u call her on her cell phone n now she claims she only uses her home phone (which is not true). If she were working today (as she said), how could she get yr message on her home phone!
She was being so terribly irrational that I starting crying - I was in a store returning some stuff n I had to go outside as I was crying so hard. She is just not very smart. Your father said to me one time, B, face it your sister in law has no manners (look at how she eats), she has no taste (look at all the crap she buys n thinks she is decorating n dressing well - the dressing well was a big problem.
she offended so many of his friends that he lost many many friends as he was an honorable man and stood by your mother (when I feel he should have told her her remarks were inappropriate and apologized to the offended party), they rarely went out or entertained as people became so offended by her behavior. But your father kept quiet and focused on you and your brother. This is where all of his love went.
Frankly, I believe she is the one being irrational. She keeps talking about how u need to hit bottom - she doesn't even know her terms. People hit bottom with drugs/alcohol - you did that 7 yrs ago n made a fabulous recovery (and without one single slip). Mental illness and addiction are as different as baseball n football!
She made $42,000 in the appreciation on that condo in 2 yrs. That means even if she didn't get $1 in rent, she still made $21,000 per yr! So why can't she let you live there instead of a group home?
What about poor Jasmine - she cannot go to a group home. What will u do with her - she is a very important part of yr memories of yr Dad.
If only somehow, you were able to get over this terrible anger of her, perhaps she would back off. I now realize how terrible she was to your father during his last yrs of life and I think that this is maybe where yr anger is coming from. I find being with her very heart wrenching as she never ever says one nice word about your father (where would she be without his financial abilities) and she is forever telling me about this boyfriend n that. Guess what - I don't want to hear it and I don't want to know. She tortured my brother for the last years of his life, she now has his money (and the life insurance policy he took out as my being the beneficiary has disappeared - he wanted to repay me for all the money I spent on Grandma A - she lived free in that condo I bought her for 13 yrs and then when she moved out here I spent another $25,000 on her to which I was never reimbursed out of her estate). I know what happened to the life insurance policy for me - it was torn up n untraceable. Wonder how that happened! How can anyone be so dumb as to insult their brother while he is living and then after he is dead?
Just look at her work history - how long was the longest time she ever had at one job. In my memory it was never more than a few months at a time. She lacks people skills, as her sisters also told me "Our sister's people skills are NOT the best".
I spoke to cousin C tonite n there is legally a way to keep her from kicking you out and selling the condo from under your feet. I will make some calls tomorrow n hopefully as soon as the holiday is over. Remember Charlotte has worked for over 15 yrs with at risk youth so she knows a lot. She made me feel so much better n that is why I tried to call her.
Your mother was NOT allowed to change your father''s will - she did it illegally. I do believe that you n your brother can sue her for the way she has handled it. Your Dad paid off all yr school loans n promised to do the same for your brother. When K was asked about paying off your brother's $50,000 worth of school loans, she refused n said it had to come out of his portion of the estate. Is this fair to your brother? And it is his own mother who is treating him like this!
She has been collecting more rent from the tenants in the family home than is needed to pay the mortgage and the taxes. Therefore, every month she should have been giving you and your brother EACH 25% of the excess. But no she kept it all.
She says that I am a negative person - how can I be positive around her and her family, when I see how she treated my brother - a man as kind as they come. Think of all he put up with as far as her inability to keep a job, her crashing so many cars, her getting involved with so many outside activities that she couldn't sit still. She is SOOOO ADD/ADHD that there is no way she could have been a good mother. And yet she took some meds for depression for awhile n then she must have thought they were antibiotics so she never continued. She should be on meds - who is she to criticize either of us - she needs therapy and meds as much as you and I!
When I think of the 9 yrs that she was present during your father's illness n yet she never had a phone book with the doctor's numbers or kept a notebook with reports from each specialist they saw. Everytime, she would get angry as she couldn't find the phone number. Why should she get angry at your father - he couldn't write - this was her job as in the wedding oath - for richer or poor, in sickness n in health. She sure got the rich part but forgot the sickness part!
She may perceive herself to be a happy person, but actually she is so unhappy n that is why she never sits still - she might have to think! EEEHHHH! Instead it is easier to blame all of her unhappiness on others.
She told me last nite that she never got any bills from Verizon - okay one can miss one bill, but 3! I asked her if she had a shoe box n when she came in with the mail, to put all of yr bills into the shoe box so they were always in one place. But she cannot do such a simple thing - she has needed help to deal with her ADD/ADHD for her whole life - yet she chooses to throw the problems onto other people. She misplaces things n blames others!
I just wish I could help to ease yr pain. I know how much work you have done at that condo. And to ask you to sell your books and videos which are a major part of who u are, just shows that she doesn't know you! And to expect u to buy your clothes at a thrift shop, I can just see your father in Heaven throwing arrows through the air!
She changed the will, grabbed as much money as she could n ran with it!
Had she been really smart, she would have listened to what Dr. F told me in 5 emails - your father's death was NOT a natural death. He begged me to have the SD police investigate n when I called the Homicide Division, they said "we admit, we blew it". Because he had been ill, they just assumed it was a heart attack, a pulmonary embolism, etc. But there was absolutely nothing wrong with his body. The SD cororner had to wait for Dr. F's reports on the brain as your father's body showed not one thing wrong, except that there was no way he could have been found in the position he was found in. He slept that night with his head facing the wall/window, curled up in his usual position as his muscles had atrophied and he could not straighten them out. He was found in the same position, with his head up at the wall/window (so he had not fallen backward as everyone who had not seen the place where he died thought). And his legs were fully straightened out. Dr. F couldn't figure out how his legs could have been straightened out and also why his autopsy showed a lack of oxygen to the brain - in short he was smothered. And there were no body fluids on the sheets - as I cleaned up the room while R took your brother for a beer. I wanted to be with father's spirit as long as I could. I asked K to pursue this n claim the double indemnity insurance (double due to accidental death - murder is considered accidental). B had been paying for double indemnity as he was afraid at some point he would fall (or be pushed ) down the stairs, so he paid for double indemnity to protect you and B. K refused - she played the grieving widow and said "I just want to think he died in his sleep". She also emailed me n told me to stop bothering Dr. F - Dr. F was emailing me n begging me to help as there was no way he could close out your father's case as he had never had anyone die in such a manner and yet less than a few weeks later she was dancing at yr neighbors "My husband died" - dance on my brother's grave - how dare she.
She would be on welfare right now, if it had not been for your father. He was the best thing that ever happened to her. But all she thinks about is her greed and what can I buy now.
How can she fault you for asking for money so late - when she cannot even find the bills you send her to be paid!
For your mother, her sisters and their mother to continue to say "you have to hit bottom and then learn how to handle the money" just shows how much they do NOT know about mental illness. They are talking about addictive illness.
I do believe that you and your brother should work together to get an attorney involved with your mother's illegally over-turning the will. It says in the will that anyone who tries to alter or disagree with ANY part of this will, shall be excluded. This means, all of her assets, would become yours and your brother's. Both of your school loans could get paid off. You could stay in the condo. Your father spent days n days on that will to be sure both of you would be protected and he even tried to protect your mother so that she didn't blow all the money as she has, but your mother viewed your father's wording as control whereas she should have looked at it as "gee, he really did want to be sure I would be safe as he knew how poorly I handle money - he tried to make it so I would be protected n had enough money to last". Instead she ran as fast as she could to an attorney n had it rewritten.
The fact that you went through the $100,000 within 2 yrs is NOT your fault. Your father's will spelled it out differently as he also knew that you were not the best (as I am not!) at budgeting money. But your mother had the attorney give u all the money at once (which your father said was NOT to be done) - so whose fault is it that you went through the money so fast? Just maybe, maybe your mother?
A good mother, a loving mother would say to you "I know u are not well. I am making over $20,000 per yr on that condo simply due to the real estate market being so good now. Therefore, you can stay there as long as you need to so you can get back on your feet. You can work with the disability people to find some kind of part-time work and work with Dr. E to get yourself feeling better." I hope when your mother reads this, she will think about this. A good mother helps their kids in these kind of circumstances.
Instead, because she and her sisters and Grandma W do not understand mental illness, they equate it to addiction n keep saying 'he has to hit bottom n we must stop enabling him'. This is wrong - this is when u need to feel loved, safe and cared for. But they haven't done the therapy work that they all need so that they can understand how they can truly help you.
Every person wants to love their parents and perhaps this is where yr anger is - you want to love her, but she is making it impossible to love her! She only loves her own greed.
Pls feel free to forward this to Dr. E n if she wants to talk to me and if you allow it, I will be glad to speak to her or she can email me. However, I am sending a copy to your aunts and your grandmother so they will stop, think and try to understand how little they know about mental illness. Torturing you without money for food, gas or daily living expenses is torture and it should STOP now! Would P do this to her 2 boys? Would J do this to her daughter? They keep saying they are enabling you - I suggest each of them go to a book store or get on the internet n read about mental illness n see if the words "tough love" and "enabling" are even mentioned in there!
I wish I could do more for you - I truly do. But today is a new day (ODAT) and D and I and Dr. E n all the other relatives who love you, will be there to help you.
I'm praying for you, but also for your mother so that she will wake up and for once in her life take responsibility for her actions!
Much love, Aunt B
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