To lighten the mood... here's something funny I wrote a while ago.

[MonteLukast]

Entirely fictional!

(But also, in a way, true.)

Any resemblance of any names I use in this piece to those of real-life efforts, is entirely coincidental.

Now hearken back to those good old 2004 election days, and enjoy. :silly:



The following is an excerpt from the October 8, 2004 installment of Shardonnay Daniels' column, "After My Advice, You'll Need A Drink."
Miss Daniels' column is published in Corporate Suburban Hellhole: The Antithesis (C.A.S.H.), The Depressive Progressive, Bad Elephant, No Nuts and other subcultural weekly publications.


THIS WEEK'S FEATURE LETTER:
Help! I’m being dumped for John Kerry!

Dear Shar:

My life really sucks!

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year, you see. We’ve had a great time going to sports bars, bowling alleys, jai alai tournaments, beerfests… you know, all the stuff that’s really romantic and brings a couple together!

But now things aren’t so romantic for us anymore. Two months ago, she went to a party at her friend’s house to watch the Democratic convention. When she came home later that night, she said, “Wow… did you see that John Kerry? He’s fabulous! He’s so strong, so smart, and so presidential!”
She had stars in her eyes. I should’ve been afraid right there—she’s never looked at me with stars in her eyes!

And indeed, ever since then, my life has become a living hell. Every night, instead of going out with me, she goes over to the Democratic headquarters to do campaign work. When she comes home, she’s too tired to give me any sweet sweet lovin’. And even when it is just the two of us together, all I hear from her is Kerry this, Kerry that…
“Hey, Kerry will protect my right to choose, and all our civil liberties! I like that!”
“Kerry was in a rock band when he was a teenager; isn’t that just awesome?”
“OHMYGOD! I went to that rally, and guess what, KERRY SHOOK MY HAND!!!”
She’s never been that excited from me touching her. Never!

I don’t even know the guy, and already I hate his guts. He’s stealing my girl, and I don’t like it! Even though I’m not really into politics, I’m thinking of voting Republican just to get even with him.

Signed,
Courvoisier Bailey

Hmmm. Poor Mr. Courvoisier ("Courvoisier"?) Bailey. He’s got a big problem. I’d better be honest with him: he’s got an uphill battle ahead.


Dear Mr. Bailey:

Yes, I’m afraid I’d have to agree that your life, indeed, sucks.

First of all, this is a free country. Yes, even with Ashcroft. Your girlfriend has the right to participate in whatever political or group activity she feels like. You can’t infringe on that right. If you want to do that, you’d better move to a country under dictatorship.

Plus, some other matters. You see, even though the mainstream media doesn’t seem to think so, John Kerry is one sexy beast. The way his voice makes him sound like an American Alan Rickman. The energy with which he walks. The rumor that he’s got a big you-know-what.

And, of course, the fact he still windsurfs at 60. Most 60-year-olds have either never tried windsurfing, or given it up 30 years prior as “kid stuff” or “stuff for people in shape”.
The lesson in that is, living life to the fullest makes you sexy. Don’t be tempted to slow down as you get older, and you’ll get the classy ladies, and maybe even some young chicks.

That being said… I find it hard to believe that your girlfriend actually enjoys going to bars, jai-alai tournaments, etc. Are you going to tell me she likes Collateral Blood-N-Guts Damage: Martial Law Terror Death Squad too? Honey, if a girl says she likes those movies, she’s lying. She’s getting off on Van Damme’s tight buns, not the action.
My point is, when your girlfriend goes out with you, she may not actually be enjoying the activities, no matter how much she says she does. She might just be trying not to hurt your feelings.

And John Kerry may represent a level of class and sophistication that she is craving. And if she’s craving this, I’m sorry, but that means she’s not getting it from you, not right now. Face it, beerfests are not exactly known for their sophistication.
This isn’t about being “cool”. It’s about being—well, classy. (I’ll find a better word for it later.)

You don’t need to become a devotee of Queer Eye. You don’t need to spend a lot of money. You just need to read at least one chapter of classic literature a month. Learn at least the rudimentaries of a foreign language— hey, Kerry is fluent in French, you know. Learn at least the basics of fine wine so you can tell the difference between Cheap Red A and Cheap Red B.

You may also want to change your name to something more elegant, like Charles or Christopher, Mr. Bailey… uh, “Courvoisier”.
I must admit, the first thing that popped into my head when I saw that was, “What the hell kind of stupid name is that?”
Sure, your name sounds French. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s classy. For God’s sake, it’s a liquor. In my experience, the only people who name their kids after alcoholic beverages, are those who require an alcoholic beverage to get in the mood to conceive them.

And lastly… voting Republican just because you hate the Democrat running, is seldom a good move. Vote Republican because you like guns, low taxes and suburban hellholes, not because the Dem is stealing your girlfriend. And no, the fact that he’s married doesn’t make a whole lot of difference. He can still steal your girlfriend.

So, good luck. You’re going to need it.

As well as a good stiff drink. I recommend three Kamikazes in rapid succession.


--Shar!

[TayTay]

1. Hahahahaha! This is great!

That is a wonderful story. I loved it!

More, more, more!

[Island Blue]

2. That was great!

We should have a DUJKG talent show one night. This group is very talented!