Am I being petty about a friend we've had for 40+ years?

[Serial Mom]

We have a friend who only comes over to sit at our house whenever it suits her and then proceeds to tell us how she goes to comedy clubs, takes an interesting class or goes to movies or events with others. We have invited this person many times out to dinner and never once has she offered to pay. A number of years ago we invited her and her then husband on vacation with us (they paid for their air fare, we paid for the resort which had two sleeping areas anyway, so it wasn't additional, but ended up paying fully for the rental car. But this is not what bothers me, although just writing it, I guess it has crossed my mind.

What bothers me is that she never reciprocates with asking us anywhere to join her to do anything. Never once has she invited us to out to eat, or dinner at her house, or go to a movie, or sign up to take a class. Nothing.

A little over a week ago on Friday night when she dropped in, she told us her computer was "hosed" - full of viruses she thought. My DH told her that they have a department at his work that fixes computers and she could bring it in. That seemed to end the conversation, but on Tuesday morning last week she called him on his cell and said she was outside his work and could she bring the computer in. No problem. So on Friday about noon after 2 guys worked on her old computer for more than 4 hours (full of trojans, worms, viruses, multiple downloads of IMs, chats sites, etc.), he called her to tell her it was done. She was busy with friends she said that evening and the next morning but she would call us about noon to say when we could drop it off. Wasn't it presumptuous that she indicated we could drop it off instead of her picking it up? So we waited on Saturday until noon for her call and when we didn't hear from her we called her house. Her son was home, but he said to call her cell. She said she was still with her friend and may be home in next hour or two. Well we needed to run errands and stuff so we called her son back and said we would drop it off.

Now it's been 3 days since it was fixed, 2 days since we delivered it and we have yet to have her call and thank my DH - he didn't want to charge her for the fix (although that is one of the things his company does), but wanted to ask her when she called to thank him for $25 to take the two guys out to lunch who worked on it.

Not even a call yet. What should we do?

[Longhorn]

1. No, I don't think you're being petty.

I've come to realize that there are all kinds of friendships and some of them are not my style. My daughters, who are 25 to 28, are also beginning to realize that some people are users and takers and may not even realize how they are perceived because they are oblivious or because no one has really objected. When I realize that a so-called friend leaves me feeling used or hurt or ignored on more than one occasion, I'm no longer interested in the friendship.

It's hard to believe that after more than 40 years, your friend has no idea that she comes across the way that she does. However, one option is to just come right out and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. I did that with a friend of about ten years. It didn't save the friendship but I felt better about ending it. She never protested or acted too surprised, either. :shrug: Another option is to just let the friendship go by being less and less available to her. And finally, you can try to forgive and forget the things she does that annoy you, though it seems if that was really an option, it would have happened a long time ago. (I have to use the third option with my mother but family is always a little different. :) But I have learned not to take my mother's behavior personally.)

As far as the guys at work, now that she can get email ;), maybe you can email her a note saying, "I know you want to thank the guys at Mr. cmt928's office for all they did for you. Their names are John and Joe and I'm sure they'd love $25 to splurge on lunch."

It can be a real relief to end a relationship that gives you more pain than joy. Take care and good luck! :hug:

[Serial Mom]

2. Thanks for your response

She finally sent an email late yesterday afternoon thanking DH.

You're suggestions were all good, and really it hasn't been a painful friendship, just that I have noticed that I am more recently thinking of the things she doesn't do that affect me. I will try to accept her for who she is and how she does things. I will go back to just forgetting the little annoyances that have popped up in past 6-10 months and know that is how "our relationship" is. We have known each other since we were 8 yr old and I suppose, familiarity sometimes makes people work "less" at how they treat each other.

[NJCher]

3. here's my take on it

The reason these things are on your mind is you're sick of this one-sided taker relationship. Your subconscious is bringing up these instances for a reason. If you ignore it, you risk some problems with yourself down the line. I think your subconscious is telling you a change is in order.

Yes, old friendships should probably have some caveats but somehow this is not cutting the mustard as far as your subconscious is concerned.

I would be personally outraged over the computer situation!! Who does this person think she is that people should wait on her like this!? The behavior is outrageous. A lunch of about $60 or more is in order here, not a mere $25!!

I like Longhorn's suggestion of just being less and less available.

I personally would not take on the stress of leveling with her about the behavior because at this age, she is unlikely to change. As a communications person, however, we are trained to be honest in our communications. You probably should level with her in a diplomatic way. At least she will know why you are less and less available (should you take that route) and it may jive with what some other people have done with their relationships with her.



Cher

[Manifestor_of_Light]

4. don't answer the door. Or the phone. Or the email.

[Duppers]

5. you call that a 'friend'?

He should send her a bill on the company's stationary for an amount covering all the man hours and delivery fee!

Honey, you need a real friend!