The Atheist Joke Thread

[Modem Butterfly]

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"


Q: How does a female Rationalist have her hair done?
A:In big bangs

Q: Why did the Rationalist cross the road?
A:To be sure to see both sides.

Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.

Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.

The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.

"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."

Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"

"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"

[beam me up scottie]

1. Beat this:

HA !!!

[YankeyMCC]

2. I'll try ... telling jokes isn't my strong point ;)

The pope and an atheist were in a boat near the shore of a lake fishing. (funny already) A wind came up and blew the pope's hat off and into the water were it floated a few yards away.

"I'll get it," said the atheist and he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water, retrieved the hat and brought it back to the pope.

Seeing this the pope thought that surely he was holier than the atheist and could perform any miracle the atheist could. He stepped out of the boat with a large splash and immediately sank.

The atheist helped the pope back into the boat.

"I had no idea you were so powerful," said the pope.

"It's not so much a question of power but of knowing where the rocks are," replied the atheist.

(disclaimer, this is a yankeemcc version of a joke i heard the other day unfortunately i don't recall the comedian's name)

[BurtWorm]

3. That's cute!

Here's my edition of a joke Christians like to tell at atheist's expense (and it makes no sense told that way).

A minister goes hunting one fall day. He's a terrible shot and soon he's run out of ammuniton. On his way back through the deep woods, he realizes he's being stalked by a bear. He tries to lose the animal, but it's no use. The bear knows the woods much better than he does. The minister decides he'd better run. He's getting a good lead when suddenly he catches his foot in a root, stumbles and falls. He can't get up. His leg is broken. Meanwhile the bear is closing in.

The minister does the only thing he can think of doing. He prays:

"Dear God, I've never asked you for anything so selfish before, but please, if you can see your way to it, make this bear a Christian. Amen."

The minister turns and sees the animal stop a few feet away. Suddenly, miraculously, a great clap of thunder sounds. The bear falls to its knees, claps its paws together and says, "Dear Lord, we thank you for the food we are about to receive..."

[YankeyMCC]

4. actually that's kinda funny

but i don't see how it's at the expense of atheists either.

"The minister does the only thing he can think of doing. He prays"

Now that's funny. The only thing a theist can Think of doing is wish for help. lol

[BurtWorm]

5. I had to change the joke

They usually tell it as an atheist instead of a minister. So why is an atheist praying? Because they think there's no such thing as a foxhole atheist, that he converts when he thinks his time is up. :eyes:

[YankeyMCC]

6. oh brother

:eyes:

[trotsky]

7. I have a very naughty limerick. (Aren't they all?)

Lots of space to decide if you REALLY want to read it...
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Are you sure? It's NAUGHTY!
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Well OK then...

A lascivious monk from Dundee
Buggered a nun in a tree
While deep in her ass
He chanted High Mass
And even the Pope came to see

[beam me up scottie]

8. OH, you are SO

going to get busted !!! :yoiks:




:hide: I'll be over here...

[trotsky]

9. Yeah, I know.

That's part of the fun.

Hey, what happened to your kitty avatar?

[beam me up scottie]

10. I have become

a target for the CT enthusiasts since Tuesday.
I have been attacked by people I don't even know.
I figured if I'd change my avatar so that I won't be as easily spotted by the paranoia patrol.
I'll bring it back if and when the vigilante behaviour stops.
If it doesn't stop, and I can't go into GD, GDP or LBN without reading their idiotic threads, I probably won't be hanging out here much.
They think they're skeptics. (that's why I changed my sig)

[Modem Butterfly]

14. The Connecticut people are bothering you?

What's you do, ask them where Stepford is?

:rofl:

Okay, okay, I kid. What's CT really stand for?

[beam me up scottie]

15. The OTHER kind of woo woo,

conspiracy theorists.

[Jokerman]

13. I have a new toast for St. Patty's day.

The patron saint of green beer.

[GOPFighter]

11. Ouch, this might hurt!

The Pope and an atheist were having drinks together at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

After a few drinks they started arguing about science and God. The atheist insisted that God doesn't exist and that people should put their faith in science instead. The Pope got really pissed at that and insisted that God was more powerful than science. The atheist said, “Well, that’s interesting because I just happen to know a way we can test both science and your faith.”

“I know for a fact that the wind currents outside the west side of this building are so strong that if someone jumps over the railing the right way they would be blown back up to the top before they hit the ground.”

“Ha!” said the Pope. “I’ll bet you don’t have enough faith in your science to actually prove it!”

The atheist thought for a second, nodded, walked over to the railing, checked the wind and jumped.

Down, down, down, he went. Then his descent started slowing. Finally he came to a complete stop, and started to slowly rise. Up, up, up he went. Pretty soon he was back up at the railing. He smiled and stepped over the railing and said, “Okay, dude, your turn. Let’s see just how much faith you have in your god.”

By this time the Pope was really pissed. Without hesitation he walked over to the railing, said a prayer, and jumped.

He went down, down, down, down, down, down, down…then KERSPLAT!

The atheist slowly walked back to the bar chuckling, and ordered another drink. The bartender just shook his head and said, “My GOD, Superman, you sure get mean when you’re drunk!”




{modified slightly from another joke}

[Jokerman]

12. Superman an Atheist? That's blasphemy!

How could the defender of "truth, justice and the American way" be a godless commie? Surely you jest.



Ok, so the bile began to rise in my throat just from typing those words. Fortunately Freddie Mercury's voice echoed in my head "CHRIST I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman, all I want to do is bicycle" and saved me from my own sarcasm.

[onager]

16. So there's a bar...

...with three guys sitting in it. One guy is lame and can only walk painfully with his cane. The second guy is blind. And the third one is just your average Red-State redneck, tossing down cheap draft beer as fast as he can.

Suddenly another guy comes into the place.

The lame man looks down the bar and says: "Damn! That looks just like Jesus."

"Jesus Christ?" the blind guy asks.

"Yeah! Long hair, beard, sandals, robe. I think it is him! Hey bartender, give the Lord a drink on me."

As soon as the bartender delivers the stranger's beer, he walks over to the lame guy and touches his bad leg.

"I don't believe it! I'm HEALED! I can walk again!"

The blind guy tells the bartender to buy the stranger a drink on him, too.

The stranger gently touches his head and the blind man yells: "I can see! I'm HEALED!"

The redneck glares at the stranger and says: "Don't you touch me, you bastard. I'm collecting Disability."

[trotsky]

17. LOLOLOL

Oh that's good.

[progressoid]

18. Alien Fish

The Far Side:

[progressoid]

19. And a couple one liners....

Give me some of that old-time Religion... HAIL ZEUS!
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Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh Chance!"

[MindPilot]

20. So Jesus is out on the golf course...

setting up for a drive and asks the caddy for a nine-iron. Caddy says "with all due respect my lord, I'd recommend a five for this shot."
"No", the son of god retorts, "Tiger Woods would use a nine here so I'm going to use a nine." Jesus lines up, swings and fires the ball off into the lake. "Fu...I mean darn!" Jesus exclaims. He angrily strides out on the surface of the lake to search for his ball.
Just then another golfer walks up and asks the caddy if he can play through. "Might as well", replies the caddy pointing to Jesus, "my guy is out on the lake looking for his ball." The golfer looks across the lake, lifts his sunglasses and asks "who the hell does he think he is, Jesus Christ?!"
"No," responds the caddy, "Tiger Woods."

[onager]

21. Not atheistic, but...

...this seems like a good place to put it, since it's about our Faith-Based mAdministration:

Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

[A HERETIC I AM]

22. Here's mine;

A life long Agnostic dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks him up in the book and says "I see you never became a Christian, but you have lived a decent life of charity and kindness. You are welcome here". The man is pleased and asks if he can have a tour of the place. St. Pete agrees and takes the man for a walk through paradise. It is a gorgeous, park - like setting on a stunning 72 degree day with puffy, fair weather clouds floating over green grass, swaying trees and folks sitting in groups laughing and talking. The man asks who the groups are. His guide tells him that those over there are the Muslims, those over there are the Bhuddists, over there the Hindus, there the Mormans, there the Episcopalians, there the Lutherans, etc, etc, etc. Their walk brings them down a path where they encounter a large brick wall, about 8 feet high, stretching along the path for a hundred yards and away from the path another hundred, seemingly making a square compound. The man ask who is in there. "Oh, thats where we put the Evangelicals and the Southern Baptists.

THE EVANGELICALS AND THE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS? the man says.

SSSSSSSSHHH!!!!! admonished St. Pete. "Keep your voice down!!"

"Why?"


"Because they think they are the only ones here!"