Ugh. Not another one.

[progressoid]

The following email is from a former co-worker. How shall I respond? Note that the professor is an atheist AND active in the ACLU. Probably sells crack and eats babies too.
_________________________________

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting, God. If you're real, knock me off this platform!"

Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

Fifteen minutes had almost passed when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat quietly. The class looked at him and fell silent, waiting.

Eventually the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you?! Why did you do that?!"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole, so he sent me!"


ONE NATION UNDER GOD!!!

[Az]

1. Thats a pretty lame one

I would respond with an older joke.

A parachutist is plummeting towards earth when he finds that is chute won't open. He realises this may be his last moments and starts praying to be saved.

Nothing happens.

Suddenly a voice booms out and says, "Say Buddha 3 times and you will be saved!"

Desperate the man shouts out "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!"

A giant golden hand descends from the clouds and gently catches the man and carefully deposits him on the ground.

The man releaved beyond reason shouts out "Thank God!"

A giant golden hand quickly descends from the sky and crushes the man to death.

[progressoid]

2. Good one.

It may be a little too subtle for her to grasp though. :dunce:

But that sounds like a good idea.

[YankeyMCC]

16. ROTFLMAO!

[beam me up scottie]

3. You mean GOD

couldn't do more than one thing at a time?
Pretty sad performance for a deity if you ask me-I'd be looking for a replacement.

idiots
:eyes:

[progressoid]

9. Oh c'mon. Give god a break.

He's busy. Heck, the daily grind of deciding which football team will win, which sperm will impregnate which egg, and moving people to speak in tongues is enough to tire any deity.

[beam me up scottie]

11. How stupid of me.

I forgot he's helping blinky run the country too.
They do sell books on multi-tasking, maybe you should send her some recommendations for her to forward to god (since he doesn't talk to atheists).

[progressoid]

12. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Deities?

Time Management for Dumb Deities?

[beam me up scottie]

13. He could try this one:

But this one looks more promising, god could learn a lot from Steven Hawking:

[fshrink]

4. Since religious belief

justifies wars, genocides, stupidity, self-inflicted tortures and a variety of other plague-like curses, I don't see why it wouldn't justify assault.

[progressoid]

10. God sure is pissed off.

[Phentex]

5. and where was God when....

...kids were shooting at each other at Columbine?

...planes were crashing on 9-11?

...tsunami was rolling in on Sri Lanka?

...1580 soldiers were killed?

...endless list

Where was God then? Was he too busy protecting the rights of assholes then?

That e-mail is almost too stupid to reply to.

[progressoid]

7. It's hard to argue with "logic" like this!

It's this sort of in-side-out thinking that is so frustrating. My M-I-L gets these all the time (and sometimes shares them with me). She likes the "humor" and the part that feeds her faith but ignores the glaringly obvious flaws.

You said, "That e-mail is almost too stupid to reply to". Too true. It's like discussing quantum physics with a toddler.

[Az]

6. A gruesome but effective reply

Simply send them one of the more brutal photos of casualties found in the Iraq war. Or perhaps a list of the 1500+ that god chose not to protect.

[progressoid]

8. Well, that won't work

Obviously those 1500+ were either:

1. atheists (they deserved it)
2. Jews, deists, etc (ditto)
3. the wrong kind of christian (probably liberal christians)
4. part of god's great plan (he moves in mysterious ways!!)

:sarcasm:

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

[phantom power]

14. Oh, and he's busy pouring out the raindrops, and painting the butterflies

It's all but impossible to argue sense with anybody who takes this kind of Precious Moments excuse for theology seriously.

And I've sort of had it with the straw-man "arrogant atheist intellectual".

[fshrink]

15. Zorglub

That's what I will use instead of "god" when/if I need to use the concept. Since the thing is supposed to have no name, this one will do.
Zorglub bless you. One nation under zorglub. Sounds good.

[kliljedahl]

23. I met a guy who claimed to have talked to zorglub

except then he was known as fred.


Keith’s Barbeque Central

[YankeyMCC]

17. To busy to protect the 1500 American soldiers that have been killed?

And wouldn't the best way to protect them have been to keep the war from happening in the first place?

[BiggJawn]

18. Too Impotent.

No offense to REAL Gyreenes, but what was that big, bad Jarhead supposed to have been doing in that class? Collecting intel for David WHORE-O-Witz?

[onager]

20. Hey, he wasn't one of us.

The "joke" said he was a Navy SEAL, not a Marine.

I'm embarassed enough that Joe McCarthy and Ollie North are former Marines like me.

Fortunately, among the Good Guys, we also have Gen. Smedley Butler, Gen. David Shoup, Lt. Col. Evans Carlson, and many others. Not to mention the Super-Marine Of All Time, Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller. His son ran for Congress in Virginia as a Democrat.

After thinking about that thing for a while, it makes perfect sense. We have the usual No-show God...because it doesn't exist. And his bonehead followers turning to violence when anyone disagrees with them.

So the "joke" tells me a lot more than the originator of it intended.

[trotsky]

22. Nice!

We have the usual No-show God...because it doesn't exist. And his bonehead followers turning to violence when anyone disagrees with them.

Amen to that!

[LisaLynne]

19. They began to babble in confusion.

Like this email? Or were they speaking in tongues? ;)

[GOPFighter]

21. I would respond by saying...

...this is one of the dumbest emails you've ever received. It not only insulted your intelligence but it scares you to realize that this is what now passes for Christianity and patriotism in our country.

Anyone who believes shit like this and sends it to others deserves to be slammed.