25 Signs You Are Going to Hell!

[beam me up scottie]

from The Weekly World News website:

25 SIGNS YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!
By Becky Todd

Chances are, you're going to Hell, says a Bible scholar.

"Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned," says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia.

"My research indicates God hates us. That's why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven."

But you may be one of the lucky few, says Pinewood, author of the handy guide So, You're Going To Hell. According to Pinewood, if you answer: "I sayeth yes," to any of the following situations, you should pack for a warm climate when the Grim Reaper calls your name.

You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"

* Are a whoremonger.

* Can't stand harp music.

* Wear white after Labor Day.

* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.

* Have severed heads in your freezer.

* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.

* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.

* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.

* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

* Use the F word more than once a day.

* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.

* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.

* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

* Ever fell down because you drank too much. "The Bible says, 'Thou mayest swayeth on thy feet,' " says Pinewood.

* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.

* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.

* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.

* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."

* Covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.

Published on: 04/20/2005
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/religion/61522

[politicat]

1. Meet you there!

And I gotta guess that it's about as comfortable as Phoenix in July by now. Considering the number of engineers who have done at least one of the above and have died, I have to assume that Hell is now air conditioned... for free, because AC is built on the premise that running hot air over the coils makes things cool.

In the millennia that Hell has been in existence, someone had to have come up with Air conditioning and freon, so I assume that Hell is now at balmy 80 some degrees, and all of the interesting types sit in sidewalk cafes under misters, sipping iced coffee drinks with "-ochalatte" in the name somewhere. Further, since Hell is underground, we no longer have to worry about sunscreen. (This is sounding better and better....)

Socrates is going to be lecturing.... I'm there.

[Az]

2. Actually its snowing there right now

Er we are talking about Hell Michigan right?

[beam me up scottie]

3. ROFLMAO!!!

I, for one, am terribly disappointed. I was really looking forward to my final retirement there but since 99 out of 100 people are also on the guest list, it's not turning out to be the exclusive country club hell that I had envisioned.
Do you think they have gated communities?
:evilgrin:

[trotsky]

7. Here's the nuttiest thing about hell.

(Not that there aren't PLENTY of nutty-as-fuck things about the concept of hell.)

Satan hates God, right?

So why would Satan agree to be God's "bad guy" and help him out in the grand scheme of things by torturing all those bad souls?

Wouldn't Satan want to throw a party congratulating them for helping to muck up God's creation?

[politicat]

13. Exactly.

The theology misses the basic concept that Satan (according to all of the theological writings about him) is a RATIONAL being. Satan, unlike others we could mention, - in the mythos - is able to think and reason. (This is one of the reasons I will slog through the boring parts of Paradise Lost a few times a decade.... Satan is the best character in the poem.)

This is also the reason I had no problems with Satanists participating in the Godless Americans march.

[StrongbadTehAwesome]

4. So I assume this means heaven will be filled entirely with bisexuals?

* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

:evilgrin: Sounds a little too naughty for heaven, but fun.

[beam me up scottie]

5. ROFMAO!

Who wants to tell Pastor Fred Phelps?:evilgrin:

[trotsky]

6. "Use the F word more than once a day."

Um, how about more than once an hour? :)

[beam me up scottie]

8. For that

you get a coupon for one free drink.
:evilgrin:

[trotsky]

10. Is that all?

FUCK that! ;-)

[beam me up scottie]

12. No,, of course not!

You get to be the alcoholic version of Sisyphus. Every time you walk up to the bar to redeem your coupon, the floor tilts and you fall down and roll out the door.
:evilgrin:
(sounds like hell to me)

[YankeyMCC]

9. Or to sum it up in one rule

If you are a human being.

[Jokerman]

11. One sign that you're already there:

George Bush is in charge.

[GOPFighter]

14. I'm confused

I'm down to "Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions." This I have not done since everyone at the last reunion was at least 10 years older than me, but this morning I succumbed to my baser instincts and undressed the the woman in front of the man in front of me with my eyes. Now I'm wondering if this is a sin since she no doubt has, or will someday, attend a family reunion. Does the undresser and the undressee have to be at the same reunion?

God makes these rules are so damn tricky...

[beam me up scottie]

15. "God makes these rules so damn tricky..."

:spray:
ROFLMFAO!!!
:rofl:

[Deep13]

16. Severed heads, huh?

Guess, I'm screwed!

[beam me up scottie]

17. It could be worse,

you could have built a shrine to MJ.