Your help requested

[AwakeAtLast]

I am the wife of a National Guard member. He was deployed in January and will be in Iraq by July. As his wife, I have tried to be supportive, but of course there is only so much I can do over the phone and in letters.

Lately he has been very short with me and says things that can be very hurtful. He is beginning to worry me. I called FRG and found that to be a big mistake. I am not sure where to turn.

If you have any suggestions, please reply or PM me. Please understand that I may not get back to you right away as I work full time and have a 3-year-old who takes a lot of time out of my evenings.

Thank you very much!

[hippiepunk]

1. He's probably

nervous and taking it out on you.

[AwakeAtLast]

2. So what do I do?

I have never been in this position before, so I'm not sure how to take it.

[punpirate]

7. It would be up to you to decide...

... if this might be in character for your husband, but, consider that a number of things may be happening--first, he's spending all his time with military people, and that may be influencing his views some. Second, he might be genuinely scared about what's coming up, and as a self-defense mechanism might be trying to put up an emotional barrier between the two of you.

Or, he may be completely frustrated by the situation in which he finds himself and doesn't know how to express it and so it seems to you that he's taking it out on you, even though he may be just generally pissed at the world.

Hard to say, and I know this will sound strange, but I think you'll be able to gauge the situation much better when he's actually in Iraq.

Hope that helps.

[AwakeAtLast]

8. Yes, it does, thanks! n/t

[pacalo]

3. I agree.

He needs your unconditional love & understanding. As unpleasant as that may be for you at times, try to imagine what he must be going through. Not only will he be facing unknown dangers in Iraq, but he is probably worried sick about his having to leave you & your child behind.

[AwakeAtLast]

6. I would like to think that this is the reason

I am trying not to be too sensitive, but it is hard to wait for a phone call for days, and then hear the change in his voice. I almost don't recognize it.

Thanks for the post!

[TreasonousBastard]

4. Without knowing more...

even a professional can't really advise you on much, and I would hope replies don't cause more problems than you already have.

What I feel I can say, not being a pro and not knowing any more than what you say here, is that we all know this is a terrible time for your whole family and all of you are stressed out. Things might be said, by both of you, that wouldn't be said if everything was back to normal.

Are there any spouse support groups in your area? You aren't the only one to have this kind of stress in your marriage, and just talking it out with others can be a big help.

[AwakeAtLast]

5. I will check things out in this area

unfortunately, I don't exactly know where to turn in this community except the FRG. The town I live in barely even notices these brave people are gone, let alone support the families left behind. It is unbelievable!

Anyway, thanks for the advice, I can always use good advice!

[pk_du]

9. Communicate,Communicate , Communicate

...as tough as it must be in your/his situation...just keep communicating in whatever form/frequency you can manage. He sounds like he is really struggling to come to terms with his situation - even if he "supports" his CIC. Just keep letting him know you and the rest of his family are 110% behind HIM personally.

..maybe try asking him hwat he's like in the way of calls , emails , lettes and from who. ( you , other family , etc.)

God Bless..and best wishes.

PKDU

[oneighty]

10. In the Navy

I got married while in the Navy. My naive wife was somehow under the impression I was a free spirit and could come and go as I pleased.

Her constant demand for my attention to her needs distracted me to the point that my career was harmed.

So at the end of that enlistment I left the Navy. A wasted nine years.

For what it is worth.

180

[usedtobesick]

11. I can tell you why I changed

I was in the first gulf war and several other small "actions" from 1983 to 1997. It really isn't;t something you can put your finger on. You get so caught up in trying to survive and take care of your buddies it starts to wear so heavily on your Psych. You can't see it or tell anyone what the difference is in your view of the world but it becomes very myopic. Anything that forces you to see that there is a world outside of your reality becomes a reminder that you're very unhappy and in is almost impossible to reconcile your world to theirs. My wife and I fought that for several of these deployments. I started to resent her telling me how hard to was for me to be away and how tough it was at home with the kids or work when I was getting shot and friends died. I could see nothing else but me and my boys' and had to band together to bring what was left home. You get angry at other "less important issues" and anything said that sounded unsupportive of my mission or goal was hard to to hear. I used that as a excuse to lash out and say hurtful things to someone who loved me and needed to be comforted and made to feel her pain was real and worth feeling. Let alone her fear for my life that I just blew off since I was handling it.
Not excuses and justifications but it really was impossible to see her pain thru mine and it was hard when we came home to work out. But as you can see, hindsight can make thins clearer. Lots of time and slowly talking these things out together and a commitment to work through them won the day. It wasn't easy or fun but worth the fight. Get counseling and find a friend, you'll need both. War and death change people for good and bad. The difference is getting help to through both parts. The separation and the reunion are both hard. I believe it's the biggest proof that peace is the way. You don't need counseling after a family day at the park or helping someone live a better life. Good luck to you both and my prayers are with you.

[libodem]

12. test

www.wsws.org.articles/2004/may2004/guan-m29.shtml

[Solly Mack]

13. Army wife here. Know all about how bad the FRG can be

though sometimes you get lucky and get a good one. I'm biased, of couse, as I headed one. :) But fact is, most FRG's attached to active duty are not good about helping the NG or Reserves. I bridged that gap by working with the NG FRG....but most will not, so resources for help within the NG are not as good as they could be...



It leaves a lot of spouses out in the cold when dealing with the changes that deployment brings...lot of cult of personalities within FRGs and far too many complainers and not enough go-getters willing to help people and provide a support system.

I resigned from the FRG because I grew tired of dealing with the idiots. The bad made it hard for the good to get anything done.

My husband was in Iraq from April 2003-April 2004. If you need to talk...PM me or email me. I'll help in any way I can....even if it's just to listen....