Younger blacks absorb a wariness of marriage

[jmm]

http://www.boston.com/yourlife/relationships/articles/2006/08/09/younger_blacks_absorb_a_wariness_of_marriage?mode=PF

Younger blacks absorb a wariness of marriage

By Vanessa E. Jones, Globe Staff | August 9, 2006

.....

Their disillusionment mirrors a growing resistance to marriage among African-Americans. In the post-Civil War era, when African-Americans had the option to marry legally for the first time, many did. The 1890 Census showed that 80 percent of African-American families were headed by two parents, according to Andrew Billingsley 's 1992 book, ``Climbing Jacob's Ladder: The Enduring Legacies of African-American Families ."

But in 1970, census figures show ed that only 57 percent of black men and 54 percent of black women were married. By last year those numbers had slipped to 42 percent for men and 35 percent for women. In comparison, 68 percent of white men and 63 percent of white women were married in 1970, vs. 59 percent of men and 57 percent of women in 2005 .

As the local teens's comments indicate, view s about marriage are formed by what people see in their lives -- and in pop culture. Shows such as ``Divorce Court " and the media's focus on the latest celebrity break-up do not paint glowing pictures of relationships. These factors may help explain why the US divorce rate approaches 40 percent.

.....

But while whites tend to remarry, blacks are less likely to do so. A 2002 report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the probability of remarriage was highest among divorced white women and lowest among divorced black women.

.....

William Glass , 16, who lives in Mattapan, thinks a re-evaluation of power takes place after the wedding ceremony. ``When you get married there's a part where it says, `honor and obey ' -- that's the part where everybody gets big- headed at. `Honor and obey, huh? Obey me! Fix my plate.' "

The problems often develop as men and women grapple over their roles in the marriage -- an issue that is exacerbated in the Africa-American community because of slavery's legacy, says Patterson. ``There's some profound differences in what the appropriate sex roles should be . . . African-American women have a modern independent view about women's roles. African-American men -- it's a mix. In some respects, they have a modern view of what women should be: that women should work. But there's still some male- dominance views that they have that irk black women tremendously and create real friction in the relationships."

.....

[Brewman_Jax]

1. I can see that

my parents have been miserably married for 45 years. I know too many people who are divorced or in the process of. A good friend just had his last mediation meeting with an uncooperative soon-to-be ex-wife, and they have a child together (daughter of 2 yrs). I'm not looking for the "old-fashioned" relationship, nor the fairy-tale soulmate. In fact, I had an internet date with a young lady (after 5 months of trying to schedule, so I doubted she was serious about meeting in person), sat through a movie (never my choice for a 1st date, no interaction 'til after, and you're held captive 'til the end, the gods forbid it's a bad movie), and then after the movie, we went to a coffeehouse. She was surprised that I didn't pull her chair for her. The hour was late, past 10pm, and after about 20mins of forced conversation, we parted company. Needless to say, I haven't called her, and she hasn't called me. Such is life.

[kwassa]

2. I've actually seen the conflict described in this article

among two different black professional couples that I know; both marriages ended in divorce. The conflict was with both men reverting to the male dominance role that these highly educated and independent professional women didn't accept in today's times. It was that "fix me a plate" attitude.

On edit, I wonder is some of this goes back to old Southern culture, and the stronger division of gender expectations that goes with it. A thought, anyways.

[bliss_eternal]

3. ah, yes...Old southern culture...

I was raised with it. The feminist in me has a hard fight sometimes, because I was absolutely indoctrinated by "fix a man his plate" women. It's absolutely second nature to me in ways. I grew up making sure guests in my southern relatives homes had full drinks and anything else they needed during a meal.

I'll never forget my great-grandmother's expression when she saw a young man I was dating standing to make his plate at our holiday dinner(one year). She pulled me aside and told me the "right" way to do things, the way "a lady" is supposed to treat "her man" is to allow him to sit and make his plate. :eyes:

To keep the peace, I asked him to sit and obliged...not worth arguing about.:eyes: Because of course, a southern lady also "honors her elder."

But I think about that so often, especially when sometimes my husband makes my plate. :P How times have changed... ;)