36 Rules for band happiness

[Beaverhausen]

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairing: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. (Yikes! Ha!)
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal","blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. Three things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.


lots of great music jokes here
http://www.overdrivehorns.com/jokes.htm#happiness

[HEAVYHEART]

1. Good one!

[ronzo]

2. Country Dick's Rules of the Road

I never miss an opportunity to post 'em.

http://vmusic.com/artists/bf/roadrules.html

:toast:

[jdots]

3. If the singer thinks the name should Him and the.......

murder them right on the spot
don't have road cases if you have never left the garage
don't think that roadys will make you look cool at a free audition
DON'T PAY TO PLAY unless you want to get used to it.
if the drummer twirls his sticks ...break all of them

[Squeech]

4. There used to be a band in Boston

called Someone and the Somebodies, back in the '80s.

They were terrific-- if you can imagine an REM playing at Ramones tempo, very chiming sound, lots of 12-string and Rickenbacher bass. And this was years before REM even existed. Their big influences were Krautrock bands Neu and Can, as well as the punk rock class of 1977 (especially Television) and Richard Thompson.

The name wasn't just a joke on what Lester Bangs used to refer to as "Hot Shit and the Niggers." The Somebodies also did a lot of songs about sex workers-- their favorite band recreation was to go hang out at the old Combat Zone strip clubs, and they even wrote songs about their favorites-- and used to capitalize the "bodies" part of "SomeBODIES."

One of many things I miss from my youth.

On edit: regarding rules #15 and #18, Albert Bouchard of Blue Oyster Cult is a notable exception.

[ProfessorGAC]

5. Lots Of Dumb Ones Here

The Battle of The Bands Thing. Bite me! I've got MS. I can't gig anymore, 'cuz i can't move gear. But, BOTB's are a way to still get out and see if you still have the chops. (Full disclosure: We're 11 and 0 in BoTB's. So, i'm proud of that and that's that.)

No shorts, no suits: Bite Me! When my band was going full steam we were in our late 30's and early 40's. (I'm 48 now.) We wore suits to give us a continental look. Not matching suits , but an overall look. What were we supposed to do, wear spandex? At our age, we would have looked cretinous. And, i believe that a nobody band should give the audience a reason to be there. Looking like just another hockey sweater wearing schmoe during break is definitely not "it".

We used a smoke machine. Bite Me! Want to see the video of the TV show they did about us? They taped an entire night, and edited it to 75 minutes for local programming. The tape was made available and was taken by 70 stations around the midwest for routine airing. Our music didn't suck and we are all outstanding musicians. Giving the audience a little whiz bang is NOT always intended to distract. If done right, with a well designed light show, it enhances. Ask Pink Floyd.

All electric guitars sound the same? The guy who wrote this is tone deaf. Bite me!

Talking on stage is amusing if you're not TRYING to tell jokes, but rather dissolving the fourth wall. Including the audience on the inner workings is never a mistake. Bite me!

Don't join a cover band? Bite Me! Our approach was to take songs by others we really liked, and then discard the original version by interpreting. You know, like Miles Davis & Charlie Parker did for almost their whole careers? Good enough for them, good enough for me.

But, most of all to whomever wrote this list. Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me!

Is that clear enough?
The Professsor

[chaska]

6. Yeah, i thought it was more than a little mean spirited. Bad Beaverhausen!

[Abelman]

7. Electric guitars

Even knowing that they don't all sound the same, it's just common sense that people change them so they don't spend ten minutes retuning.

[opiate69]

9. And another retarded one...

"Cut your hair.."

Fuck off. If you look like the fucking class valedictorian, or one of the geeks from the A/V club, you do not rock.

(All due respect to the A/Vers here... )

[ProfessorGAC]

10. Ooooh! Now we disgree.

I had the kind of hair that wouldn't grow long, just thick. So, i never grew it very long. (Although at one point when in a glam band i grew it fairly long in a jheri curl. Kind of unusual for a skinny white guy.)

But, i've always had fairly close groomed hair, and i can rock!

One other note: The last band i've been in (since 1986) i borrowed my stage look from Joel Grey in Cabaret. Slicked straight back and plastered down. A very severe Ron Mael look. Better to be the scary looking keyboard player than the geeky looking one.
The Professor

[one_true_leroy]

8. Sonic Youth and Yo La Tengo broke rule number 1