So, I'm struggling with something and need some input.

[GardeningGal]

I have a personal struggle going on in my life right now and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. I think it basically boils down to how to deal with the resentment I feel.

I found out a person close to me is struggling financially. I know that the right thing to do would be to send this person some money with no strings attached. The struggle that I'm having is that this person (and family) are total republicans of the Focus on the Family type. Since I can't even tolerate the Focus on the Family group, I have a hard time assisting someone who is such a believer of their message. I can't help but feel resentment about this and while I think I know what the "right" thing to do is, I feel like I need to have a better feeling about it before I take that step.

So, how do my friends in this group deal with issues like this? How do you get past the feeling of resentment?

[Why Syzygy]

1. If you think this person

would use some of the funds to support FoF, I would not want to do it. I'm not that loving.

Is there any way you can buy food and/or pay some of the bills rather than hand over cash that might end up being used to strike against everything you hold dear?

[rosesaylavee]

2. I don't know who said it first...

but behind every single resentment is a big fat expectation. I know I work on this aspect of my mental space a lot. I think I am getting better and then get another example of where I haven't quite gotten it yet in holding certain expectations.

First. If I were you, I would ask 'do I have a need to help this family'? If you were NOT to help, would you be ok with that? Would it help to give them the money anonymously?

Bottom line, find out specifically you are expecting of them - with and without them receiving money from you. Money is a powerful thing - especially given as a gift when need is great. I know - I have been on the giving and most recently - receiving end. You have the power this time round. How would you like someone to give to you if they totally disagreed with all your core beliefs?

I don't mean to sound sanctimonious... I apologize if I do. This is just what my internal dialogue would be as these are some of my issues.

[crikkett]

29. What she said. That said, don't let your friend/neighbor starve.

You can do many things. Leave a bag of rice at their door, or send money in a card.

[Dover]

3. I agree that you should probably not do anything unless you can get past this.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'close', but it suggests to me that they are someone you care about.

Perhaps you might reverse the situation and see yourself in their position and how you might feel
to receive help from them if you were struggling. Also you might practice looking into their heart
and beyond personality stuff, at who they are on a soul level. That's a tough one sometimes.

[Shallah Kali]

4. I am not nice

I would be so tempted to let them reap what they sowed and let them learn their lesson unless they have kids going without. but then i have kin who would love to drop me off on the nearest melting iceberg next to the polar bears for the time I got gov. help so I have Issues.

[crikkett]

31. You're wonderful

I've read your contributions to this group and you're wonderful.

[I Have A Dream]

5. I personally don't feel that we should ever...

help people financially out of a sense of obligation. When we give a financial gift -- any gift, actually -- it should be because our heart is telling us that it's the right thing to do -- that we're allowing the Universe to use us as its agent. If the gift doesn't come from that place, I think that it will have karma associated with it, which isn't good for either side. If you can't give the gift and totally forget about it, in my opinion, it's better to not give it.

If I do decide to give a gift to help someone who has values very different from mine, I tend to view it as an energy put into the ethers to try to heal the differences between us. For example, I decided to give some hearts to people here at DU who definitely would ridicule me and the rest of this group. It was totally anonymous -- I'd never tell them that I gave them a heart. The purpose of giving it was to put an energy of reconciliation into the ethers. It's possible that nothing will appear to come of it, but I know that it actually will have made a difference regardless of whether I can see that difference or not. I felt drawn to do it -- that the Universe wanted me to do it. That's how I approach such things, and it works for me.

[Why Syzygy]

6. That's beautiful.

Very wise. When I've received help in the past from family members who put conditions on their "gifts", it resulted in a lot of pain. I no longer accept "gifts" with strings attached. It amounts to blackmail or bribery.

I regret that my post didn't address the real issue of giving and resentments. I'm so glad there are far wiser souls present.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

8. Beautiful

and a wonderful idea.

[Kind of Blue]

15. Completely agree with IHAD on this one, GardeningGal.

I really believe that money is energy and cannot give if my intention for it is filled with trepidation.
When I'm caught in a place of indecision, I do nothing, just leave it alone. Always the decision to act or not then comes naturally, or if pressed for time, I do what makes me feel better. Hope that makes sense.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

7. Forgiveness is part of it

and another part is trying to see the world from the other person's point of view.

[Dover]

10. I've found that it takes more of my energy to maintain a resentment

than to let it go. And then I wonder why I didn't let go of it sooner.
The resentment/anger/judgement was feeding my own need to feel better than 'them',
or right or a victim.

[I Have A Dream]

11. I totally agree. There's nothing more empowering than letting...

things like this go. For me, it's just making the decision each time an opportunity presents itself to not let those feelings influence that particular decision. Little by little, the emotion no longer controls me. It allows us to overcome the ego, which controls us through such things.

[Dover]

12. yes...we tend to respond FROM our own egos and react TO someone else's ego self.

It's difficult to get past our own and other's egos to really see into the heart.
It takes practice as you suggest. Tolle calls these ego personalities our 'pain bodies'...lol!
Indeed, that seems to be what comes of living a life bound only by ego. It feels to me like
living in a soap opera.

[I Have A Dream]

13. I haven't had a chance to read any of Tolle's works yet.

It does indeed sound like 'pain bodies'. I'm all for removing the "drama" from my life. Staying in balance is almost impossible when we allow the ego to rule us. Living life out of balance is what causes most of the pain/difficulties in our lives, in my opinion.

[MorningGlow]

9. I'm going to echo what Dream said, I think

Follow your heart. If it's correct that you give this person money, you won't hesitate--you'll know in your heart it's the right thing to do. If you hesitate, then you're doing it out of a sense of what you think you SHOULD be doing, instead of what is correct to do. If that makes any sense.

If, after consulting your heart/instinct, you decide it is not correct at this time to give this person money, perhaps you could instead send white light/prayers to ask the Universe to help ease their financial struggle. If, that is, they're not experiencing this hardship to learn a lesson that they chose to experience.

[Fire Walk With Me]

14. As stated earlier, you cannot give this gift with =any= entitlement.

No attachment whatsoever. No expectations at all.

This is a tough one, and sounds like an opportunity as well, regardless of outcome. We're supposed to be helping each other now, regardless of differences, no matter how hard that is in actuality. (I was talking with someone at lunch about how batshit Reagan and his type make me; those who destroy with absolute impunity, and mock us to our faces...I haven't let go, so I can fully understand your position here. Please keep us updated, and best luck!) :hug:

[tanyev]

16. Are you talking about a large amount of money?

If you're just wanting to help with daily expenses, you could give them a gift card to their favorite grocery store. I would find it hard to give them a large amount, too, but if I can frame it as helping them keep food on the table it would make it easier.

[northernlights]

17. IHAD really nailed it on this one

A gift should be just that. If it leaves you feeling resentful, then what you'd really be giving is your resentment, and all that bad karma.

[crikkett]

32. Agreed. n/t

[mysticalchick]

18. If you can give from the heart ...

... and release it, do so.

I have a cousin (evangelical fundie thinking I am doing the devil's work) who was/is in the same predicament. My inner urging said to send money (twice I did). When something happened between us last summer, she unleashed a torrent of anger on me that was probably the worst thing I have ever had said to me in my life. At that point, I decided that I would no longer send her money. It wasn't a 'tit for tat' thing and I didn't expect her to bow down before me because I did send it but it was no longer in my heart to reach out that way. Simple as that. I could no longer find it in my heart.

If you feel nudged to send something, do so. If not, don't. Perhaps send it somewhere else - food pantry or something.

Just my .02.

(I send money to a nice woman who feeds stray cats and that brings me untold joy. That's what works for this mystical chick!)

[Silver Gaia]

19. I agree with what IHAD said, and others here...

have said.

The only thing I'd add would be to ask if there are children involved. That would make a difference for me.

[WhiteTara]

20. You know you are a Rescuer when you:

Do something for another without that person asking for help.

Do something that you do not want to do in relation to another.


Those are some nuggets I gleaned from two years of intense therapy. You are not in this world to make that person happy. You are here to do the things that you believe. You don't need to do this; they are grown and do this for themselves.

My therapist would say, "Hold up your hand. Bring all your fingers in except the first finger and point at yourself. You are shooting yourself. S/He will get through their life, but your resentment is anger turned inward. Anger and resentment make us sick.

So Sweet Sister, I say

Step toward life. Step toward health. Put that burden down.

Remember the airline warnings...put the mask on you first and then if you can, put one on someone else. You have NO obligation (no matter the social or familial status.)

Having been a codependent/rescuer most of my life; I offer you release from the bondage of SHOULD.

If it is not a joyful giving, don't give.
:hug:

[Why Syzygy]

21. But, it isn't a gift if it's requested.

One of the most meaningful gifts I received was from a dear friend. She tucked $20 into some things I picked up from her husband one day. He offered to buy me gas when I met him, but I was too embarrassed, and said, no. I would never have asked them for monetary support. It was completely unexpected and made a huge difference in my ability to get by.

[WhiteTara]

26. I didn't realize there was a request involved

I also believe that although one has a right to ask; they have to remember that there are 2 answers and NO is perfectly acceptable.

I have told people no from time to time in my life. I am able to do it more all the time.

I found in my birth family that many people asked for things from me and we not willing to give to me in any way. I finally have said no to all of them. Strange (not) how they don't come round. I feel immense relief because I have shed guilt and resentment and I have learned a lot about loss and grief for what I wanted to be real; but was not.

[rosesaylavee]

24. So very true.

I need to remember this. I am part way thru learning this or may be most of the way - but it's good to be reminded. I like to give anonymously and then do what I can to forget I did that. Not sure how that fits in with a healty attitude but it feels right. There are just some things I feel drawn to do and if I don't, the situation nags at the corners of my head until I do something one way or the other.

[Proud_Lefty]

22. I totally agree with Dream because she's so right on

I also want to add that recently I negotiated a small settlement with my former employers and received a nice little sum of money. As I was planning all the things to use it for that I normally don't have extras for, I had some friends and family letting me know how desperately they were struggling just to make their mortgage payment and put food on the table. I went through a very deep contemplation about what to do. I also sought some advice from my guides. They told me that a lot of these people are going through hardships for the purpose of their evolvement and growth. It is critical for them to dig themselves out on their own. When we come offering to "rescue" them, sometimes we are actually interfering with their growth and when they then rely on others instead of themselves, they not only don't grow, but you can develop karma with them for that interference. I had been told this many times before times before, but not to such a degree. I knew I had to let them grow without my financial help, so instead I offered advice. I could almost hear the "that's not going to cover my bills," Anyway, instead I did give a few gifts to people that never expected it and really appreciated it, and that felt really good. And I'm taking advantages of doing some things I normally don't get.

[Mist]

23. Sometimes you can use what I call "healthy selfishness" to make a decision. Would

you feel better if you gave this person something? You could make it an anonymous gift, like a gift card from the local supermarket. If it's easier right now to just do something like that, then do it. Helps your friend/aquaintance, and you can stop worrying!

I had a severely alcoholic friend in rehab (for something like the 15th time). He was a smoker and wanted some cigarettes, and needed them before Sunday, which was visiting day. I was attending AlAnon meetings at the time, and got all bolloxed up over "should I bring him some cigarettes, or should I wait until Sunday? Should I accede to his request, or be all "tough love" and just see him at visiting times? I have a lot of resentments with this person, but I'm a smoker and I know how it is." Finally a friend in AlAnon told me to check in with MY feelings, and MY needs. What it boiled down to was, it was easier to drop off 3 packs of cigs than to continue to fuss over "should I/shouldn't I." When I turned the spotlight on MY feelings, on that particular day it was easier to have "limited engagement" and drop off the cigs for him. That was just where I was in my Alanon recovery, and it worked for me!

PS--3 packs of cigs barely lasted my friend a day and a half, and it was on a Thursday that I left the cigs for him. When I visited him on Sunday, he wanted to show me something, and took me to his room. On his dresser, there were something like 20 packs of cigs, all different brands. He's discovered that people can be very generous and I wasn't in fact his only "source." He seemed very touched that others in recovery had all chipped in.

[Why Syzygy]

25. I'm really glad you

took that option. I wonder if there is ANY proof that tough love helps anyone involved, the helpers or those needing help. I doubt it. I never would have survived. This issue is very personal to me. As I posted elsewhere:

*Professionals* used to tell me that I was too "dependent" on my ex-dh. He was my lover, provider, best friend, step-dad for my son, and the only person I never got tired of. When I tried to distance my emotions, he left. So, now I sure don't have the problem of being too dependent on him! What did it solve?

Having your family break up, or 'tough love' friends never helped anyone recover, would be my strong sense of the matter. True in my case, anyway. Much less FEED anyone. It seems more like a Republican *ideal*. The friend who gave me money is an AlAnon member. Fortunately, she is a friend first. I may have to hide this thread now, or just leave ASAH for awhile. This is too disturbing.

[Bluestar]

27. Here's what my guide says

He says the most loving thing we can do is to let them experience their own issues. That means having the loving wisdom to NOT give them any money without strings attached or try to interfere. I know this is difficult to do because we, as light workers, want to rush in and "help". He says that they came here to experience what they are going through and that we should not interfere.

If you see signs that they are ready to turn to the light (the desired outcome) it's great to support them by lending them your wisdom. They will learn from this but not by taking your money.

[Why Syzygy]

28. I'll share what my Guide says

And this will be the last post that doesn't relate directly to Alternative Healing that I'll make in this Group.

I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger, and you took me into your home. 36 I needed clothes, and you gave me something to wear. I was sick, and you took care of me. I was in prison, and you visited me.' 37 "Then the people will reply to him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or see you thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you as a stranger and take you into our homes or see you in need of clothes and give you something to wear? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' 40 "The king will answer them, 'I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did for me.'

[crikkett]

30. Right on.

Why Syzygy, I'm with you 100%.

This is how the people of Gaza are surviving, by the way.

[liberalmuse]

33. Don't do it.

There have been many times where I almost gave something to someone, and had someone I trust talk me out of it. Turns out, I would have caused some trouble by giving to these people I had qualms about. They turned out to be not-so-nice people. It's wonderful that you want to help, but believe me, right wingers know how to survive, and will do anything, without any reservations, to ensure they get theirs when it comes down to it. I speak from experience, some of it hard earned. Keep your money.