For those of you who are "givers": How do you protect yourself from "takers"?

[BlueIris]

For those among us who have natural caretaking instincts, what strategies do you use to shield yourself from liars, users, manipulators and others who only exist to take advantage of you?

[Cleita]

1. Not very well sometimes. I do get taken now and then.

The only thing that saves me is that I don't have much to give.

[NJCher]

2. that's an easy one

I just shield myself from them. It's pretty easy to figure out who's a taker real early in the relationship (if it gets to that). I've been taken many times in my youth--I think protecting oneself is something one learns as they get older.



Cher

[PhiBetaCretin1]

27. Easy?

How is it "easy"? Why is it easy? How do you "shield yourself" from them? You walk away? you manipulate the relationship? You keep a running tally, as Callie indicates? Obvioulsy, it's not so easy for others who have replied to this OP. Calling it easy sounds so glib, when others here are saying they struggle with it. - As Callie says below, "giving" is not the same as "geting taken." So true. Sometimes we give knowing that it MAY not be returned. But the giving itself is kindness and loving. I don't give just to "get."

Some people in my life think that I'm just a natural giver (maybe I am), and they do take advantage of me. Someime I give anyway. I know what I'm doing, and I know who/what they are. Sometimes it's pragmatism, sometimes it's love. It's when I feel "icky" about the result that I pull back and become more watchful.

Sometimes I have loved people who I recognize just CANNOT give. They don't have it in them. There's something - perhaps in their upbringing, or something traumatic in their life eperiences - that has taught them to "shield" themselves and not be the one to give more than they have to. They give the minimum in order to maintain social connections - and their ego-defense (I was going to say "self-respect" but that's NOT what it is - there's a huge difference between EGO-defense and self-respect). I feel sorry for those people. They shield themselves with self-defeating armor.

[I Have A Dream]

3. I listen to what my inner voice tells me to do.

I always follow it. Yes, maybe I'm sometimes taken advantage of (at least in the eyes of others if they were to see the situation), but I still believe that if I "got" that I was supposed to do it, it was still for the highest good.

After the act is done, it's up to the Universe to use it as it chooses to use it. It doesn't belong to me any longer. I offer myself to be used by the Universe, and I really don't question why the Universe asked me to take action. I know that there's much going on behind the scenes that we don't see or understand.

However, I'm not a doormat -- I believe that the Universe never expects that of us.

[yellerpup]

4. I give three chances.

In the course of a friendship I will discover what a person wants the most and exchange "dreams" with them by sharing what I want the most. Then, I think of a way to help them achieve what they want. If they don't help me help them, then I withdraw and observe why the 'project' didn't work. If the next thing they want is for me to help them again, they have to come up with the plan. If I start to feel used, and I do if that person isn't also thinking of ways they can help me, then I remind them that both our dreams still need to be achieved. We may have a civilized chat about what friendship means, what defines love, and why we are in a particular situation at this time and place in our lives and how we can change things going forward. I don't push a person away just because they disappoint me because some people need to be held closer and loved a little longer and stronger than others. I cut people loose when they condescend to me, when they talk behind my back (unless they are also willing to say the same things to my face) when they belittle others I love, are cruel to strangers, or the biggest no-no of all to me, which is to try to manipulate. I'm going on longer than you probably need here, but I am Tsalagi (some blood, but nearly all in spirit) and there is no word in our language for "I'm sorry," or "I apologize" because you are expected to live your life in an honest, helpful way at all times. The word for thank you is, "Wado", but there is no word for you're welcome. The closest translation to 'you're welcome' is a smile and the phrase, "everyone paddles." Your life is too precious and short to waste on the ungrateful. Love freely but with open eyes.

[Why Syzygy]

13. I love that.

I + you on friend's list. :D I've never had a friendship that civilized. What a treat that must be.

[yellerpup]

15. I am honored.

:hug: Truly.

[MorningGlow]

5. Alas, I'm a total doormat

The weird thing is, if I don't know someone, and I haven't forged even the slightest tie with someone, I'm a better judge and can shield myself from them. But the very second I get to know someone, even in the most minimal of ways, I end up giving them the benefit of the doubt for EVERYthing. I'm a mush. (My mom has always said I'm too trusting.)

So...once I've been taken in by these people and they glom onto me (because they always do), I feel trapped, and I'm afraid I end up severing ties completely in an all-or-nothing bid to protect myself. Not the best answer, I know, but it's what happens to me time and again. :shrug:

[oceanspirit]

6. I'm too much of a trusting soul

I've been taken by so many people in my life, and especially later. I'm what's known as a SUCKER!! I have got to learn to pull up my shield better than I have been. A very very good friend of mine once taught me to do this and bounce all that negativity back. BUT lately, I'm weak. I have no more fight left in me.

About two weeks ago, my car broke down at a very busy intersection by where I work. (It's not a good section of town) NO ONE would help me. I had my four ways one, and still I got beeped at, told how i"m number one in their book, called all kinds of names, until that ONE good samaritan came my way. He and three women pushed my car down the street and out of the intersection into an appliance lot. I had called 911 for help, and they said a cop would be one the seen soon. NOPE, I waited over 20 minutes for one to show up. Once I was in the parking lot, I had to put up my hood so Triple A could fine me.

Okay I did as I was told. It was an extremely hot day, so I stepped out of my car and was leaning against it, when I was approached by a gentlemen of color. He told me he saw what happened to me and he had just broke down himself, and was on his way to a job interview in the city. Could i possibly help him out cause his debit card didn't work here. He was from another city. Even showed me his drivers license. Told me he was an ex Marine, blah blah blah. Well I was okay with all of this. And of course i"m going to help someone in need, since I was in need myself, and no one would help me, not even my husband. I called his cell phone six times before he called me back, only to tell me he couldn't possibly leave work at that time. I was to call him when the tow truck arrived. Yea alot help he was. So I called my office and asked if anyone at all could come sit with me for awhile. They said they would ask around. But no one showed up. So as i was talking to this guy, I noticed a couple of things. One my wallet was opened and sitting on my drivers side seat. Two there were three stockade fences that surrounded the restaurant next to the building I was at. An ally and a dumpster. The more I talked to this guy, I felt sorry for him. So I handed him a 20 dollar bill. He asked if I had another 10, he really needed 30.00 to put gas in this truck to get downtown. I said, Sir this is all I have. He then said to me, No it isn't I noticed you had more money in your wallet. He then began to get into my space. you know what I mean. When someone actually gets into your personal space. For me this is a big no no. I can't handle someone that close to me. I then began to panic. As he approached me even closer, I then made the snap decision to just give him what i had left in my wallet before something bad happened. I felt threatened at this time. I gave him all I had, he came closer to me, I freaked out (not showing it to him though) He told me what a good person I was for helping someone in need. He then proceeded to give me a hug. He then said he had to run and go meet his friend who was going to give him a lift to a gas station. He ran down the road. Whew I was safe. But scared. While all this was going on, I had another kid approach me and ask that guy if I was okay? The guy then stated I got it covered, and the kid ran down the street. Still nothing was really going on in my mind. I was still freaked out from my car dying in the middle of the intersection. You know how it is. You're just so freaked out nothing really makes any sense to you.
Before this "gentlemen" I use the word loosely, approached me, The cops did show up. Yea alot good it did me. They never even got out of their car. They just asked me if I was okay. I told the officer yes I was just waiting for a tow truck. They then sped off on their merry way to go get coffee and donuts I imagine. Now my son used to intern for a local police department, and he said, that they always stayed with a woman who was alone and stranded until help came their way. It wasn't law, just curiosity . Make sure the woman remained safe until help arrived for them. Nope I didn't even get that. That is when this guy approached me, AFTER the cops left. So I know he was watching the whole time and just waiting for them to leave.

Well yes, for less then five seconds I felt good about myself. I helped out someone in need. Yea, you dummy. You just got mugged in a way. Oh well I thought to myself, for what ever reason, he needed the money more than I did. I was safe, that is all that mattered to me. Soon after the tow truck arrived only to tell me my fuel pump was shot and the car had to be towed. So I called my husband, who then instructed me in not a so nice way, just to have it towed home. This kid (the tow truck driver) went above and beyond his job. What a real sweet kid he was. We chatted for about 30 miles to my home. My son and him spent the next 40 minutes trying to get my car off the flat bed and into my garage. I gave him a tip that I had in the house. (I mean some extra money I had in the house) he did do me a great favor.

Shortly after the tow truck driver left, my husband showed up. He was furious. This was NOT something he wanted to do that night. Blah blah blah. What an idiot and a moron I was for giving the guy the money. It was the only 40 dollars we had between us until pay day. I asked him if my life wasn't worth more than 40 dollars, he didn't answer. The only thing he cared about was it was going to cost him about two days to fix it and about 350.00. Like this was my fault!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well, I got yelled at my my husband, my son, my father and my daughter for what an idiot I was. They were NOT in that situation, they weren't the one who felt threatened at the time, so they can all take a flying leap.

So yes, now I"m a bit paranoid about people. I dont even go to my 'special' spot to have my ciggy at work. Down by the river, for some alone time to sit and mediate, just relax or just to put myself b
back together. I'm scared now. I am not as trusting as I was two weeks ago. All because of not only this gentleman who took me for 40.00, but because of my family making me like sh**.
I am the natural caretaker. I like taking care of everyone that I touch in my day. If they need a shoulder I'm there. If they need a ride, I'm there.

It's funny how one incident can change you forever. I need to raise my shield and bounce back the negative energy that always seems to follow me.

Sorry this is so long, just needed to tell the background story on why now I can't be that trusting soul I used to be. Thank you for reading this far.

Oceanspirit

[I Have A Dream]

8. I'm sorry that that experience was so frightening for you, oceanspirit.

I'm also sorry that your family wasn't there for you when you needed them. :(

:hug:

[Tumbulu]

9. Oh I am so sorry

I send you hugs

[Callie McAllie]

11. I am sorry about that, but...

it sounds like your family takes you for a lot more, emotionally, than the $40 you gave that guy! I don't think you should let any of them call you an idiot. That's just not a very good way to treat someone you're supposed to love.

You are not an idiot! You did the right thing. Your life is worth far more than $40, and you're right, that guy probably needed the money more than you did anyway.

:hug:

[Celebration]

16. good gosh

Maybe you should print this out and put it on your husband's pillow.

Just sayin'.............................

Anyway, I hear ya'!!

[oceanspirit]

21. Thanks all

I am appreciative of all the support you guys have shown me. It's certainly more than my own family did. I can't thank you all enough for making me see, YES I did the right thing. I am not a moron. I am not stupid for what I did.
I will soon put this behind me so I can once again be that person I used to be. BUT I will be a bit more careful from now on.

Oceanspirit

[MorningGlow]

18. Hey you

Check your PMs.

[Grateful for Hope]

7. Why would you need to?

As a "giver" from way back when (and as a giver who has been bitter about some giving I've done over the years), I have recently come to the conclusion that the one who gives is actually the one who gets far more from a particular interaction -- psychologically and emotionally.

Now that I know this, I have not had an urge to "give" unless there is equality in the request.

[Stand and Fight]

10. It's a very hard road. I can tell you that.

Often I listen to that small voice in me that I normally ignore because I'm always afraid it may be a result of a dogmatic and judgmental upbringing. A lot of the times though -- when it is most insistent -- is when I'm about to be taken for a ride.

[Callie McAllie]

12. Honestly, I think this is the lesson I'm supposed to learn in this life

I have always been a sucker, it's my Pisces Moon. And I find that most people don't "take," they only want help, and I am happy to do that. "Giving" is NOT the same as "Getting Taken."

But there are those few Takers out there, and every couple of years one of them crosses my path and puts me through the wringer. I like to believe I get stronger as a result of surviving (and usually ending) these relationships where I'm getting took, but then it happens again and I realize I'm still too gullible and trusting.

When I extricate myselves from these "taking" relationships, I am usually drained, but relieved. I feel stronger, and I usually have to marvel at myself for putting up with it for as long as I did. "That which does not kill me will make me stronger," you know? I'm sure the experience is worth it, but I'm not sure it is at the same time.

One thing I will say, document everything. Once you know you're in a relationship like that, especially if it's with a boss or a spouse, document everything. Protect yourself in other ways if you can't protect yourself emotionally. Separate your finances, for example. And talk to people around you who see the taking nature of the relationship and will help you recognize more appropriate boundaries. A therapist, if there is no one else.

Listen to me, who am I kidding? I've been through it, I've done these things, taken these steps, but in my heart I know I am right back there now, getting took by a very charming taker who makes it just enough worth my while to keep the fiction alive. Ah, well.

:crazy:

[Why Syzygy]

14. Haven't done.

I love Hope's reply. I don't know if I'm that evolved, or as civilized as yellerpup.

Since that last time someone took advantage, the thing he took was my soul, I've been a lot more interested in this question. I've never been real good with boundaries, what's "yours" and what's "mine" when it comes to non-physical energies. I'm much better now than I was as a 20-something though. Let me make that clear! What you are willing to put up with narrows. EveryONE is accepted but not everyTHING (behavior) is acceptable. I married an active alcoholic when I was 21! Talk about a USER.

It has been an awakening even recently to observe there are some people who are absolutely, completely, 100% self absorbed. That personality can become a psychopath, but many of them walk among us unnoticed.

Before I gave my soul away, there were red flags. Neediness, expressed in a charming Aquarius way. Admitting to moral weakness and manipulative actions. Even coming right out and saying things like, "I want someone to lead me by the hand". These were the red lights I went through.

My wisest friend once told me that people will always tell you who they are if you just listen long enough. Men, I find, do it more quickly than women. Listen to them and BELIEVE it.

[Grateful for Hope]

17. Words of wisdom, Votes.

Thank you.

[kentauros]

19. By not defining/labeling those others as "takers".

If I'm giving to someone, I'm doing so unconditionally. If they think they're taking advantage of me, well, that's their issue, not mine. Even if I know I'm "being taken" I still refuse to define it as such. Otherwise it would affect me more than it does.

I'm the kind of person that forgets to shield for pretty much everything. I have to be reminded or it comes out of the blue and I remember, for that moment. But when I give, with no regards for "getting something" in return, then the benefits outweigh any negativity I may sense in the process. Such as in recent months our company had their 13th anniversary. I thought it would be great if we had a decent bakery cake instead of yet another sugar-overload Walmart cake and went to a good bakery. The response overwhelmed me as I wasn't expecting how appreciative everyone else was going to be. A lot of people hold their worth, their money to them tightly and are always surprised with those of us that don't. And when you give without wanting something in return, they are even more surprised if in a positive manner then :)

[LWolf]

20. I have some pretty intimidating boundaries.

I don't suggest them for most people. I've set up my life to make it very difficult for people to find me unless I want to be found at that moment. I pick and choose who to be available to, how often, and for what.

A better solution would be to learn to say "no" to yourself, and to those who are seeking help, in an empathetic way when necessary.

I've had trouble with the "no" part, which is why I set up my personal fortress. I'm getting better, but still working on it.

[Celebration]

22. I am a rock, I am an island

And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.


No, no. I am not that extreme. But I can sure build some barriers when I need to do it. I think the way that I do it is to tiptoe cautiously in these areas. I may exercise some "care giving instincts", but without the emotional commitment, until I feel really comfortable with the situation. So the action comes without the bared soul, if that makes sense. Then, I slowly give up the shields as I learn to trust more. It is more like getting into the water by dipping the toe in, not jumping into the deep end.

One of my three daughters has these type problems--she seems either paranoid, or too trusting. It is more of an all or nothing thing with her. This characteristic does not serve her well. It takes a toll on mental health, as she ends up judging people wrongly--either trusting them too much or not enough.

[undergroundpanther]

23. I basically

ruin their games and covert crap by exposing it. I have ZERO tolerance for bullies, narcissists little lord Fauntleroy's,and garden variety assholes.I tell them like it is,I give them one warning that they've crossed a boundary and they've pissed me off than..what happens next is up to them,If they show their ass I'll kick it proverbially and literally if need be .If they are a psy vamp I just load them up with so much of my energy, the crackling lightening most high energy,violently fierce high voltage stuff I have and I fire it right into them ,Blast 'em until they cannot possibly hold any more,but I do not stop, I send more, than ,even more,until they pop like swollen ticks in the astral,than I take my energy back, walk past the psy vamp and smirk at the smoldering aura blown to smithereens..They will not be fucking with my energies any time soon,.

[Shallah Kali]

24. Boundaries both energetic and psychological, self-assertiveness, and self-exploration

Why do I feel the need to help this person? Is it a compulsion or an honest flow of giving? I had a friend I felt compelled to help no matter how many times she blew it all away. I got sick of draging her out of holes she herself dug and willingly climbed down into such as giving away money she was given to buy a good winter coat as her old one was full of holes to her Mother so she could get a perm. Similar things happened with money for food or other gifts. What to do with a person like that? She obviously wasn't going to change so I had to. I did a past life regression and found out this person was my sister in another life who was mentally challenged. We were poor and she was pretty and important men took advantage of her complete guilability and then took her from my care for being loose. I cut cords, forgave myself for not being able to save her then, and started reinforcing my shielding when I was around her. Funny thing is she stopped wanting to be around me so often and I rarely have contact with her any more. Maybe part of it was she was a psi vamp and when I closed my personal energy, but not my Reiki, to her she wasn't getting so much fulfillment from being around me. Oh also she liked to call and ask for advice and prayers wanting advice for the same situations over and over. I gave up on trying to find new ways of explaining the same things to her. I would simply say 'if this is me this is what I would do' and leave it at that no matter how many times she asked for advice.

I learned a lot from this friendship about healthy boundaries and that I prefer to give help to those who make the most of it. I only have so much time and energy. It is one thing to put myself out there for someone who needs it and another for someone who needs some tough love and to simply keep themselves in budget. My grandparents are in trouble because they would not stop bailing out feckless relations who never repaid their loans or even a few who out and out stole from them. It angers me to know all that they have done and to see how little they have now in spite of years of hard work and hard saving. What made them give in again and again knowing it would take divine intervetion for this person to repay them? And what kind of person does this to their parent and grandparent and then has the nerve to be pissed off when they finally sucked the cow dry?

Since no one can control other's behavior this puts the burden on you to find out what vulnerablity is in you that attracts would-be takers like blood in water draws sharks. What old injury from this or other life exists that needs healing so there are no buttons left for them to push and no chains for them to yank. Do you think you need to give to be worthy of friendship and affection? Where you a family caretaker as a child? Which parent or parental figures modeled caretaking behavior for you? Which family members, if any, were the takers and manipulators?

Find your boundaries where you end and the rest of the world begins psychologically and energically. GROUND and shield daily. Make sure your aura is not too far out, scattared or holey. Mentally vizulize or use gestures to draw it in to a comfortable 1 to 3 feet, smooth it out like dough to fill in any weak spots and coat it with light. Remember shields can be set to let love and other positive energies to flow freely. If you practice Reiki I recomend drawing the symbols on your aura to help shield negativity, particularity Raku which seperates people's energies. Worked great on my friend the psi vamp, I no longer got her head aches and felt drained when i talked with her. Practice healthy psychic hygene and find energy clearing techniques that suit you to help clear you when someone does manage to glom onto you. Smudge, aura sweeping, crystals, yoga, reiki or other energy building practices, etc. If you have't already try the do it yourself soul/personal energy retrieval so you are healthy and strong in youself as possible. Ask your higher power/guides/highself, etc to bring back any missing bits of you, gently cleanse and heal them, and when the time is right reintegrate them with your being. Then ask that anything you have that is not yours likewise be returned.

BTW if anyone has an 'user' type that is open minded to yoga, tai chi, reiki or other self-healing art try to turn them on to it if you can without draining yourself. maybe if they can find away to feed themselves in a healthy way they will automatically stop or maybe at least reduce their using.

Watch Out for Energy Vampires
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/03/11/o.energy.vampires/index.html

11 Ways to Protect Your Mind, Body & Soul From Negative Energy
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/stop_energy_vampires

Slay your energy vampires: there are people who endanger your health by draining you dry and coming back for more. Learn how to empower yourself—and kick their vitality-sucking butts!
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0NAH/is_9_35/ai_n15979231/print

[Coyote_Bandit]

25. Experience

I trusted someone and was used. I regretted my investment of time and emotion and effort and relationship and everything it entailed. As a result of the experience I developed a bullshit detector that has made me sensitive and aware of those who attempt to manipulate or use me - even in insignificant ways (a wonderful thing in terms of being advertising resistant). I now have a much better understanding of the give and take nature of healthy relationships. And there are boundaries in place which I honor.

[katty]

26. no amount of psychic/emotional bounderies can 'shield' one

from every liar, user or manipulator. better to mainly be in the mode of attracting kindred spirits whenever possible in 3D.