Do you think some people are just determined to be miserable?

[Blue_Roses]

My spouse is the eternal "see the glass as half empty" guy. I see that his upbringing has much to do with this and I understand that, but no matter what I try to say to help him see the glass as half full, he reverts. Old habits die hard I guess. He loves to watch COPS and other crime shows, which is fine, but it's ALL THE TIME. He said he missed his calling to be a policeman. Okay, I can understand that too. But watching these shows reeks of gloom and depression for me. I have to shut the door and go read or something.

What do you think drives someone to be an eternal pessimist?

BTW sending positive vibes ...:D

[NJCher]

1. disposition

There's a book on it--you'll want to read it. We are born with disposition, just like we are with other personality traits.

Surprisingly, the dour disposition lives longer than the optomistic! Researchers theorize it is because of their pessimistic outlook--they don't take many chances because they see the glass is only half full.

I'll try to dig up the name of it and post it back here. Fascinating read, although the author isn't the best writer.



Cher

[Blue_Roses]

2. thanks

I would love to read that.:)

[Matariki]

6. are you talking about 'Learned Optimism'? n/t

[NJCher]

27. no, but that is a terrific book

and one of my all-time favorites. I have two favorite books and his "What You Can Change and What You Can't" is one of them.

I remembered where I put the title and I'll be back later to post it.



Cher

[MorningGlow]

3. OMG we're Mormons!

'Cause baby, you are married to MY husband!!! (Or am I married to yours?)
:rofl:

Mr. MG is the same way--he LOOOOVES to watch COPS and listen to the police scanner. He also loves to listen to the hatefests on right wing radio even though he says he doesn't go along with what they espouse--he just loves the venom.

And for as long as I've known him, when I say "Glass half...?" he says, "Missing" or "Broken". So I made sure I added a special gem to my Christmas list--the "Life Is Good" shirt that has a drawing of a glass with the words "Half Full" under it. He refused to buy it for me for Christmas! So I harassed him till he caved and got it for my birthday the following week.

Anyway, I've often asked him why he has that kind of mindset, and he always says, "Expect the worst so you won't be disappointed." My goodness, what a way to live. Sending positive vibes indeed. :hi:

[Blue_Roses]

15. I tell you what...

if there is a crisis looming anywhere, my spouse will find it. We can be going down the road and the gas gage may, MAY be going beneath the 1/4 mark and he'll start ranting, "We're going to run out of gas, OMG, find a gas station NOW,"... I just look at him like :wtf: is wrong with you. We got a few more mile before we are even in the red zone.

Of course, I did run out last week, but come to find out, we had a leak and our fuel filter had to be changed along with a few other things. Now we get much better gas mileage and a more accurate reading on the gas gage. I told him, "look what your pessimism did!" ;)
I was so glad he wasn't with me when that happened

[oceanspirit]

22. Well then I"m in that Mormon category as well

My husband has got to be the worse pessimist in the world. He doesn't even see the glass half empty it is empty. How sad. I love to see both sides of a situation. Yes I can admit there are times when I do see the glass 3/4 empty. Yes there are times I live in such a toxic environment that it surprises me that I can see even the glass. I have great folks that surround me in both my worlds. This weekend I learned a very hard lesson. Whatever your issues are in your life, there is ALWAYS someone worse off then you. That is when I realized as toxic as my life may seem to others, it's not even 1/4 of the misery that some of your friends are in right now. Count your blessings while you have them. They could all be taken away from you in a heartbeat!!
Sorry I"m off my soapbox now. I just hate those type of really toxic people we have in our lives. What WE must do is ban together and not let them inflict their toxic levels on us.

Oceanspirit

[crikkett]

4. Suffering is its own ecstasy.

Those who are miserable choose to be that way and find ecstasy in their suffering.

Life is ecstasy, and when we stop finding ecstasy in life we die.

OBTW I'm with you, and go a little bit further because I don't allow COPS or other 'reality' shows to be played in my house, because they bring out the worst in people (including me).

I'm in agreement with Maya Angelou; that words and emotions stick around in a home, become part of it as much as the furniture and drapes. I want a happy and loving home so I don't invite bullshit. In fact I disinvite bullshit, loudly and with authority, just like she does.

My poor husband... to compensate I stopped watching the crime dramas, which he really dislikes. Instead of watching some drunk slob get roughed up by cops in their roid rages, he's asked to imagine ever more heinous crimes, which he finds intolerable. There's lots of music in our house these days, and not just because of the writers' strike. It's better this way.

[Celebration]

5. what is it about husbands?

Mine watches the History Channel when they have something about the history of war, and he sometimes watches the Military Channel. It's creepy. And no, he was never even in the military.

I am thinking its past life stuff.

People that are not living in the moment project things into the future, and often that is worry. Let's see,

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, MAT 6:34.

We can all start quoting the bible.

[Blaze Diem]

7. & I once dated a guy who couldn't get enough of the NASA Channel.

boring to say the least.
We weren't together for long, anyway.
Maybe he was a spaceman in a previous life.
lol

[Celebration]

10. Funny!

I watch HGTV sometimes, and he thinks that's odd. It is probably the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing going on.

[Blue_Roses]

14. Me too! I love HGTV

and Food network! If I'm down or depressed and I can't seem to get out of my funk, I turn on one or the other. It instantly brings light.

My husband said he doesn't understand why I watch a show that talks about pillows all the time:eyes:

[Silver Gaia]

39. Same here!

My hubby is also addicted to the History and Military Channels. ANYTHING about WWII, Hitler, and Nazis catches his attention and holds it. Books, TV, movies, computer games, even classes. For him, he thinks it IS a past-life connection.

He is also a glass-half-empty person, and it drives me nuts. Whatever is the WORST possible outcome, he can, and will, envision it. I tend to be the opposite, so it is a real battle sometimes to stay positive. Sometimes, I do win out, and he's got a sunnier outlook for a few weeks, but then something will inevitably happen (always political, not personal) that just plunges him right back into it.

I also worry about projection. I think we help to create the reality of the future with our thoughts of the moment. He sees what I am saying, but still can't avoid going there with his thoughts, and words, too.

I'm not going to quote scripture. ;) But I do have to go read the Bible for class (university). Seriously. We are going to be studying ancient Christian texts that aren't a part of the New Testament as we know it (Gnostic, etc.), but for background, we have to read some of the New Testament as it exists. Tonight, I have to read Acts, Romans... and Revelation... then write about it for tomorrow night's class. Off to do so now...

[Why Syzygy]

8. Evidently I'm working on it.

I don't know why I'm not. After a drawn out, nasty issue with my ex-employer about hours I missed when I was in an accident (all she had to do was make a note of how many), getting rid of a creepy roommate, and finding a new one, the new one stayed four days and created chaos which involved cops, making me miss work one day the first week of my new job. He moved out Saturday, but thinks I owe him money. I don't.

Friday I had an appointment with my PCP. In December I had a falling out with my GYN. They work under the same practice clinic but in separate offices. I told her I was going to get a new GYN, so she started a stink at the clinic which resulted in my PCP terminating our relationship! He gave me this news Friday afternoon. Although my other job is doing taxes, I'm side lining in a flower shop this week. And I hate it. I have to cut roses under water while designing, as well as a bit of minor stuff. When I went to do an audition arrangement, he didn't mention the water cutting. It really is a pain in the rear. It's pretty miserable. I'm doing my mental best to make myself stay all week.

Why am I not miserable? I sure felt like the vision of gloom Friday afternoon.
I was asking, what do the Gods want FROM ME?? WHAT IS IT?

Funny. Just a couple of weeks ago, I started this self talk: "I love my life." While I was putting in laundry or washing up dishes, getting in my comfy bed, loving on my kitty, "I love my life.". I started feeling that way. Like I really do. In spite of all the crap, today I still do. I seriously tried to end my life about a year ago. It wasn't the first time. When you are set on that decision and it doesn't work out, there's some thinking to do. Calls for a new plan. Still working on it I guess.

I reserve the right to be miserable, however, should the need ever arise.

ps. I can't stand to be around complainers or fraidy cats. I'm not really afraid of anything.
But, I don't ride roller coasters or go to haunted houses. I think some people like to scare themselves.
My life could be scary enough if I was looking for that.

[Celebration]

11. the affirmation!!

Yes, yes. Sorry you are having such difficulties, one thing after another. But it really is a choice to be miserable. Yeah, sometimes it is fun to feel sorry for oneself. However, it is a good idea just to allocate a small, finite amount of time to this, and then go back to loving life again.

I'll do roller coasters and haunted houses, but I don't go looking for them. But a fun house? I would not do that. Honestly, I am not fond of elevators, though.

[Cleita]

9. My mother was like that

(not the cop shows), but in her world there was a crisis looming around every corner. I do believe it ate her up and she died of cancer before she was sixty.
I think it's a form of hysteria. Now I don't know much about psychology but I think this is what it's called.

[Pathwalker]

12. Are husbands made from cookie-cutters?

Some of your husbands sound exactly like mine! lol. With mine, it's every Law & Order series in existence - yuck! The only ones I find worse than them are the shows that exhibit bodies in mid-autopsy. Why do they show us that stuff - just to gross us out, or deaden our senses for gore?
I also agree with Maya Angelou on the power of words - they remain with us, so why wouldn't we want to avoid all the negative, hate-hilled stuff? Why allow them into our space at all?
I also try to follow the wisdom of Mark Twain: "A person is only as happy as they make their mind up to be." Some days it takes work, but in the end, it's worth it!
Personally, I prefer HGTV, where at least the mess is just part of a process.

[japple]

13. My husband was pretty optimistic and he didn't watch

cops shows, but he did like military historical and science programs. He adored The Weather Channel and knew the names of all the various weather personalities. I had to wear earphones whenever he watched tv because he never watched one complete program. He would watch 5 min. here and 5 min. there. It drove me crazy.

Edit to add: I think I'm pretty optimistic and I used to love to watch that true crime show hosted by Robert Stack (can't remember the name) and I loved to read Ann Rule's true crime works. Not so much anymore.

[Fire Walk With Me]

16. I have an obvious problem with this. It comes from a lack of willingness to grow the hell up.

[Shine]

18. You don't seem pessimistic to me at all, Peake

at least from the little I've gleaned about you via an anonymous posting board, LOL! :D

:hi:

[Celebration]

19. Hmmm

I think maybe you drew the wrong conclusion. I think she was talking about the husband of the OP, but I could be wrong. LOL. Message boards are interesting that way.

[Fire Walk With Me]

21. You must not have caught me in GD and GDP, then!

;)

I'm working on it. You yourself are always a bright light.

[Celebration]

24. your water picture should help!

That is just totally great that you have that on every post!! Do you have it around your home too? I actually have the box of Emoto cards with about thirty different energetic water pictures. I love them.

[Shine]

17. I don't know, but it would drive me NUTS to be around that energy for too long

You sound pretty compassionate and understanding of your husband's nature and for that, I commend you. You seem to take good care of yourself emotionally by taking the space you need to get away.

[Idylle Moon Dancer]

20. I used to be that way

perhaps because I was denying my passion,
because it's "risky."

Then Pluto came and smacked me around some,
and Pluto is not finished,
but Pluto doesn't scare me anymore.

[Sweet Freedom]

23. Are we all married to the same man??!!!

Geez. My STBE husband loves to be miserable, to the point that if he is happy, he sabotages himself so he can be miserable. I discovered during counseling that he is a narcissist, so when everyone else is happy, no one is paying attention to him, and he then has to make it all about him--usually by feigning outrage over something stupid. (His behavior was extreme though, it ruined our marriage.)

[Celebration]

25. not quite

Thankfully, my husband isn't a narcissist. That would really be impossible to live with. It's just that these military shows are a little much for me. He's not miserable either, but he does get very antsy at times. Overall he is a great guy, especially since I got all his chakras cleared and meridians balanced. That just didn't cure his military channel habit! ;-)

[oceanspirit]

30. I think there is just one husband out there

and we just keep passing him around. Maybe it's a different face and body type, but generally it's the same guy!!!!!!!!! I want to know what we did to get this guy and make our lives completely miserable!!!!! I refuse, NEXT. . . Who is next on the list to get this guy. I'm done with him now. LOL

Oceanspirit

[rumpel]

26. yes

it appears to be a comfort zone...to justify her own unhappiness - to place the cause on everything else.

my mother...she does not watch crime shows but the news is good enough to deliver the same.

I don't vibrate with that anymore and I am experiencing great tension within and without myself...these days

[skater314159]

28. I agree with response #1

Some people are just "programmed" that way - to like crime or military stuff... and it's not just husbands either - but it is more socially acceptable it seems for men to be that way in American culture.

Take myself for instance... I worked at a PD for a little under five years, and I have to say I loved it. The funny thing was I would get home from work after midnight, and my friends and room-mates would be up watching... yep, COPS. I would just laugh at them (to myself, not out loud usually, as that would be rude) because it was funny to see these ppl sitting around a t.v. thinking they were "getting the police experience"... when what they were getting was the most packaged for t.v. "cop experiences".

Most of my job (and every police's) of being in a patrol unit consisted of a whole lotta nada - which was good. Having a slow night means people aren't committing crimes, doing stupid stuff, or getting killed... and it means a HELL OF A LOT LESS PAPERWORK! (One thing they NEVER show in crime dramas or "cop shows" is the LONG HOURS and TEDIOUS nature of all the fucking paperwork you have to do - on anything at all - when you're police). Also, there isn't as many shots fired IRL... you DON'T WANNA have shots fired in real life, because that means you've failed to do your job as a police - which doesn't seem to translate to t.v. representations of "cops".

After I finished the PD gig, I switched to forensics and worked at the Forensic Pathology, Crime Lab, and ME's. This was pretty darned interesting - but it kinda cut into me having friends come up so I could show em around my workplace... something about dead bodies, body fluids, and spare parts freaked 'em out. ;) Anyway, I was always somebody who could eat lunch either coming straight from a pickup or going into an autopsy... I'm just like that, but I really sympathise with folks who can't stomach it... there were some cases of heavy de-comp in a bayou or a closed car for three days in 115 degree heat X( that made me almost lose my lunch. Shouldn't show things like that - or vomiting - on prime time t.v. ... too many people might be eating during the show. But that is just the way those kinds of jobs go, and I don't appreciate how they try to show scenes from a morgue or ME's on dramas to "make it look cool" or "cutting edge" or what the hell ever.

The ME's isn't some back drop for a stage show - it's REAL PEOPLE who are REAL VICTIMS, and the police and the forensic scientists are trying to make the dead speak so the perps can be caught and charged with their crimes. To me, putting a plastic model on a table is a slap in the face of decency. That's a different angle than you guys had, but I just am bothered whenever a body becomes a set-piece in a movie or t.v show. I think we can all agree on that one.

And when I did work those jobs - I'm outta the "death biz" now, as I finished my lessons with Pluto :) - I sure didn't appreciate coming home to a slick, commodified, and advertisement-filled thirty minute segment about my job for mass consumption by the public. I can see wanting to be a cop or a forensic pathologist, but I think a lot of people want the "glamour" of being one of those without the frustration, stress, paperwork, politics, and work that goes into being a police or CSI. Also, the t.v. shows give people an adrenaline rush I've noticed... which could explain their "addictive" quality.

As for me, I like kicking back to some comedy or reading a book on my downtime... there's more than enough stress and depression to go around, I don't need it in my home :)

(sorry it ended up being so darned long)
skater pi

[Why Syzygy]

29. I do like to watch a cop

show from time to time. I like the ones that make the RL cops come across as smart, balanced people.
I hate and won't watch the ones where they are setting up prostitutes and johns. You can't tell the "criminals" from the "law" in those.

edit to add:
I REALLY like these cops >
http://www.leap.cc/cms/index.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LayaGk0TMDc

[skater314159]

34. I hear ya...

and LEAP is an idea I like too...

:)

[stellanoir]

31. Pluto stuff

I do a lot of readings through agents for college kids. I love working for that age group and dispelling fear. They in turn help me to maintain a youthful spirit.

Because the student activities director positions are often transient there is very little consistency.

I don't do any research on the college's specialties. I just show up.

Well after reading for dozens and dozens of kids, one can get a little punchy.

At one school after my 30th forensic pathology student I said, "what did you guys do just watch too much CSI or something?"

Then later, I got even sillier and said, "What if someday, people finally stop killing each other, then you'll only have to deal with deaths from natural causes." Actually I used a more extreme term but don't wish to offend anyone. The kid sneered at me and said, "That's never gonna happen lady."

I think he was wrong.

tra la la and silly me.

[skater314159]

33. I would've loved you telling me that...

'cause I'd love nothing more than a world with no war, no hate, no murder... that would be AWESOME!
(But then again, I'm a love-child of Hippies!) :hippie:

And I think you are really right about the facing fear and such... I see now that what I was doing then was to help me work through a Pluto event... and now I'm on the other side, and have can now look at it from many angles (victim, police, forensics, astrologer) it really helps me. And I also think I've learned a lot from Pluto that can help me help others going through similar times and vibrations.

skater pi

[stellanoir]

38. yeah I've got a prevalent Pluto placements and 20/20 hindsight is always a bear.

But still I'm awestruck by the power of Pluto transits, and I'm in the midst of a couple right now

They certainly don't suffer fools gladly,

And can bring one to one's knees.

It'll be okay, after this foolishness subsides.

:hug:

[Shallah Kali]

32. Old habits are hard to break. The mind ruts are sooooooo easy to fall back into

and sooooo hard to climb back out of. Also people often have had some trials in this and other lifetimes which left them with little reason to be optimistic. They know in their souls that anything good can be taken away at any moment because it has been so many times in the past. It takes a lot of healing to release that old pain.


BTW my Dad loved cops. I found it depressing as heck and when I mentioned that to him he said COPS made him feel good because the wrongdoers were caught and were to be brought to justice. So for him it was cheering (glass half full) and to me it was depressing that so many people did so many harmful things (glass half empty).

[eilen]

36. My dh is like that too

he gets quite upset when movies allow the bad guy to escape unpunished. He likes his "comeuppance".

I have recently had difficulties with my dh's negative energy-- he was physically/energetically very stagnant, inert and sent me jabs in regard to my work at growth (creativity and metaphysically). He trivializes and belittles it in small ways. I had to tell him that these things were important to me and I will be continuing this path. I realized he is angry because he feels jealous, he wants it too! Not exactly the same interests, but the freedom, time and ability to pursue his passions. He can be very rigid in his work and what is acceptable, what is not and has kind of painted himself in a corner. All I can do is watch and love him and send him some good vibes. I understand his frustration but he has to admit he has choices, see them for himself. Meanwhile I hope to make it very clear to him that just because he is miserable, I don't have to be in solidarity, sympathy or just to keep him company. I plan to be happy. In theory this works out very well, but somedays, esp. when I am not feeling well -- tired, under the weather or in pain, he dumps on me and I have a hard time shaking off his energy. He resents when I try to "help" (offer suggestions)--rejects them so I have stopped. This can throw me for a loop and it is hard, it dampens my creative energy, I end up feeling very claustrophobic and trapped.

[I Have A Dream]

37. Welcome to DU and especially to the ASAH group, eilen!

Kudos to you for staying on your path. I hope that your husband is able to find happiness also. However, we all have free will, and only he can make the decision to change course to make that happen. It's good that you're taking care of yourself.

:hi:

[I Have A Dream]

35. I remember being in a work situation which was really, really rough.

We were working really long hours and getting further and further behind through no fault of our own. Everyone in the group got into the habit of complaining all the time, which in some ways eased the stress, but in other ways just made things even more negative.

I finally got to the point where I physically posted a big sign that had a huge "NO!" on it. Every time I got the urge to give in to the temptation to go negative, I looked at the sign and stopped myself.

It really was a tough habit to break, and it was a bit of a letdown to no longer be able to do it; that negative energy was a bit seductive for some reason that I don't understand. However, once I got on the other side (i.e., broke my addiction to it), I felt so much better.

I've never allowed myself to get to that point again.

[Blue_Roses]

41. that's a great idea.

I have started telling my daughters, WHEN, not IF. They caught me the other day saying, "if" and they said, "no, mama, it's 'when'". Old habits do die hard and most of all it takes practice to get them to end.

Now if I could just get my daughter to get ready in the morning without all the drama:crazy:

[Shallah Kali]

40. Pessimisim, worry-warting are energy drains

Would it possibly do any good to gently point this out at calm moment? Much better to devote that energy to finding the more productive way possible to deal with whatever comes your way than fretting oneself into a froth.

For example my Mom is a worry wart of long standing. I am a bit of one too yet much better than I used to be. With my current anxiety disorder I figure any stress I can be rid of or at least reduce will only make me healthier and build me up to deal with the big stuff. So picture my Mother and I on our way to an appointment. We get stuck in traffic. She immediately begins awfulizing we're going to be late we're going to be late we're going to be late. ugh. I used to join in with her every time as my stomach churned. I ground myself and send reiki and remind myself that worrying about being late won't make the car move one inch so why fall back into that rut? I ask my Mom to send reiki to the situation hoping that giving her something constrictive to do will make her feel better and less out of control of events plus point out what I said above about worry not improving the situation. She calmed a bit (not that she was hysterical to begin with just worry-warting). Once the traffic started moving we didn't get stuck behind a light for more than a few breaths the rest of the trip and ended up arriving 5 minutes early at our destination :)


shallah, hoping that the better utilization of resources argument works on others.....