What would you have done?

[japple]

#1. I just got back from picking our dog up at the vet's office, where she was having her teeth cleaned under anesthesia. My frail, elderly father was waiting in the car to hold her in his lap on the trip home. On the way into the vet's office, I was approached by a young, white boy, about 17-20 yrs. old who asked me if I would give him a ride across town so he could visit with his father to tell him about a new medication he was on. The boy was smoking a cigarette and holding what appeared to be a couple of physicans pharmaceutical samples packets. I told him I was sorry but I couldn't give him a ride, and he apologized for bothering me and walked off.

#2. Sometime around Christmas, I was in K-mart looking for cat toys in the pet dept. when a black woman about my age approached me and started talking to me. She said she had been looking at heaters and was going to try to get enough money to buy one. She said she only had a thin blanket on the bed in her brother's house and her room was so cold. She kind of rambled on about some of her other problems with family members, health, and how broke she was. I comiserated with her and thought about giving her some money, but I only had 2 $20.00 bills. When she realized I wasn't going to offer her anything, she made a comment about "dog milk costs more than people milk" (since we were standing in the pet aisle) and walked away.

In each instance, I felt badly about not helping these people and wonder if I were being tested. I am a little nervous around strangers and was afraid to help both of these individuals. What would you have done?

[I Have A Dream]

1. Tough situations.

1) I am personally very afraid for my physical safety, so I would not have offered the man a ride. I may have given him money to call a cab. It all depends on whether I felt as though the Universe wanted me to do it. If so, then yes.

2) I would not have given this woman money because she was playing mind games with you. If she had just told me her story without the very clear expectation that I was to do what she wanted, I would almost certainly have given her money. However, I would not have in the situation that you describe. I do not allow myself to be manipulated in this way. (At least not that blatantly.)

We would have done the same things, basically. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

6. I agree--

and I also would have done the same.

Frankly, I get pissed when someone tries to "guilt" me into something.

I really hate when people mistake kindness for weakness and try to lay guilt trips on you...

[DemExpat]

2. I know how difficult these situations can be......

I have a girlfriend with a heart of gold who cannot say no to anybody asking for help- she gives money she can't afford to miss, invites people to stay for extended periods in her home....that type of person. The downside is that some people also tend to take advantage of her and bring her and her husband lots of stress into their lives.

My approach to requests for money? I don't give to strangers on the street, but I do give a tip for where they might seek help for their problem - the police station, or to call their doctor, etc. I am aware that the social net here in Holland (and places I can refer people in need to) might be quite different than the ones where you live - I don't know.

What do you mean when you say that you were afraid to help both of these people? I can see about the guy asking for a ride, that is for sure.....


:hi:

DemEx

[japple]

5. I didn't mean that I was afraid to help them. I was afraid of

them. They were a bit physically intimidating, which made me feel uncomfortable.

[mrgorth]

11. If you were afraid of them

there very likely was a good reason. We have an instinct for these things built in. Don't feel guilty.

[MissWaverly]

14. always go with your gut

If you are nervous don't give, just be polite. Every time that I have not done this
I have ended up in a heap of trouble.

Miss Waverly

[Proud_Lefty]

3. You did great

Try not to feel bad. You don't know these people, don't owe them anything, and there are too many scams out there. I remember when I was going through my initial spiritual awakening, a man approached me asking for bus money. He sounded very convincing. When I gave him some money, which I normally never do, he immediately ran in the opposite direction from the bus. A man standing near me informed me I helped this guy buy his next bottle of alcohol.

I'm going through similar situations like this all the time. If you feel a need to be giving, do so in a way that is safe and really helping people out. Believe it or not, sometimes the best thing you can do is enlightening and encourage people to become self sufficient. However, there are people in the gulf that are still desperately in need from Katrina. Make yourself feel better by packing up old clothes and household items and send them off where they can be used and appreciated.

Remember that caring souls can be easy targets. Protect yourself.

[cassiepriam]

4. We are NOT meant to be victims or martyrs

We are meant to be of service to others, but not to be victims, martyrs or saviors. We are to have healthy boundaries and not get in harm's way.

The first rule is to stay safe. If you are harmed, you cannot help anyone.

And trust me, if we do not learn this lesson in this life, we will have to learn it in the next one (like I have had to do!). Allowing oneself to be victimized can create bad karma! And we will have to balance it out later.

Trust your intuition, if you do not feel safe in any situation take steps to take care of yourself. And err on the side of caution, better to be safe than sorry.

[lady lib]

7. I always go with how I'm "reading" the person,

and since I wasn't there it's hard to say. For some reason, though, I did get a "no" on both of your examples when I was reading about them. It might have just been my bias against smoking in the first case, and my aversion to any sort of guilt trip manipulation in the second case. Who knows.

[SheilaT]

8. these things are always a tough call.

Some years back I was listening to an interview with Mike Royko, and he said he always gave money to panhandlers, because he believed that by the time someone had gotten to the point where they were actually asking for strangers, they were desperate, and he was willing to help out.

It changed my attitude, and made me more willing to give money to strangers. Not that I always do it, and I can tell you about the regular "beggars" here in Kansas City for whom asking people for money is their day job.

I'm not sure about the first one. Maybe, just maybe, I would have given the kid a ride (were I not by myself) but I would have politely asked him to finish his cigarette before getting in my car, since I'm a non-smoker.

The second situations seems harder. From your description I almost thin the woman might have been mentally ill. Nonetheless, I might have given money had she asked, then again I might not have.

In the end, you can only do what your conscience tells you to, and try very hard not to feel guilty. No matter what, you cannot help everyone who is down on their luck. You can only try to make the world a better place and do small things to help out.

[yellowdawgdem]

9. no on 1, yes on 2

In the first instance you were protecting your father, and it is good to be cautious. I'd have done the same thing.
In the second instance I'd have handled it by giving the woman a dollar, or something small. Saying no is fine, too, if you are feeling pressured or distrustful of someone. But I mostly handle panhandlers by giving them a quarter or a dollar. I figure it might smooth things a little in their difficult lives. Sounds like thats what you would've done if you had anything smaller than a twenty.
It's awfully hard to differentiate in these instances. Sometimes I jam my hand into my pocket, and see what I pull up, and if I pull up a twenty, it means I'd really like to help the person. I mean, for the times when there is a twenty in there. But yeah, it's sure not an easygoing situation.
The main thing, if it is someone who has the propensity to start bothering you on a daily basis, I would think twice.

[japple]

10. My dilemna in #2 was that I only had 2 $20.00 bills. I really did

think about just giving her a twenty, but then decided against it for some reason, probably because I was kind of "frozen" and didn't know how to respond. I was kind to her and told her I hoped she would go to the local church sponsored thrift stores to see if they had some blankets or heaters. She could have been mentally ill, as mentioned above, and, if so, she probably needed the money more than most.

I'm just wondering if these individuals presented me with an opportunities for growth and I didn't take them.

[DemExpat]

12. Opportunities for growth....

I tend to see experiences like this in the light of learning more and more to trust my intuition and instincts.
Trusting my intuition is smething that has proven to be one of the most valuable tools for my growth in this lifetime.
Very seldom has my intuition been wrong, so I tend to go with gut feeling/vibes and to have faith in that.

Years ago I used to think that total giving was the route to take for spiritual growth, but that idea has been replaced with willingness to give much and to give love, but only when my inner voice says that it is "right" to do so.

Learning to set boundaries is also an important tool for growth.

:hug:

DemEx

[I Have A Dream]

13. I couldn't have put my feelings into better words, DemExpat.

That's exactly what I do -- follow my gut. When I'm to do something, I know it.

[ebayfool]

15. Same here, you just know!

Usually I say no, but there are times when I just know it's right to help out.

If I had a dependant in the car w/me, no rides. My first & foremost job is to keep them in a safe position, & letting strangers in the car isn't doing that. If I'm alone or w/someone that isn't a child or infirm (or elderly), then I play it by that gut instinct.

Panhandling? Another case-by-case situation. Usually I see the same people day in & out asking for 'change' & have a pretty good idea of the situation (ie see them heading into the liquor store at the end of the day). I don't have a prob w/them spending their money where they wish, I just don't have the extra money to add to their choices. But once in a while I do get asked by someone that gives me the feel that they do need it more than I (we) do - them I give what I can.

Case in point. Last week a woman came up to me in a parking lot asking for bus change & I (embarrassed to say rather automatically) said I had none. She said TY anyway & I drove away. Before I had gotten to the exit it came to me strongly - You are sooo wrong, go back ... find her!. It took a few minutes to track her down. She had given up & was sitting on the bus bench, sadly shaking her head no at the driver as he slowed. I didn't have any cash in my wallet, but there is always odd amounts loose in the bottom of my bag (kinda like the sofa cushions). I dumped it out & was able to come up w/several dollars. Enough to help her do what she needed from her reaction. I don't know nor care what that was, just that in that case it felt imperative. She needed that little bit of coin.

Now the guy in front of the Video Zone? Never felt that need from him.

[yellowdawgdem]

17. I got that

And that part of your "freezing" was not having anything smaller than a 20. And part might've been some guilt at not wanting to go that high. Not knowing the person, if they were scamming or not. And feeling intimidated by them. I don't think it matters all that much if they are scamming. Everyone scams in 1 way or another.
I think that just by being polite to her, and mentioning another option to get a blanket- that probably did some good in the situation.
It might be that you are supposed to be thinking about this, for some reason to do with spiritual growth. It seems more likely that you are thinking about it because you are spiritually aware, and sensitive to others.
Also right now there are more and more people who are not doing ok for various reasons, financial being the most common. So maybe you are struggling with that reality, and what your boundaries are, trusting your boundaries.

[Cleita]

16. I've been in those situations before when I couldn't do

anything. Don't beat yourself up about it. Our system is really to blame that these people have to beg to begin with. Unfortunately, the opportunists see it as a way to cut in on the action and it gets difficult to separate the truly needy from the con-artists.