Crap--I've allowed myself to be abused all over again, ...Help!

[bliss_eternal]

...with dh's family.I'm SO depressed today, and just feel sick--I feel spent, had bad dreams all night.

This could be a very long story--but I'm going to try to keep it brief for the sake of posting this. If anything is unclear--feel free to ask for details.

Dh's sibs are corrupt, damaged, abusive assholes. They are cold, distant, greedy and selfish. They are also bigots. We are an interracial/multi-racial relationship (depending upon the term you prefer). His mother is fond of painting his (dead) father as the only bigot in the family, as if she's 'better' somehow. She's not. She's made it clear, I'm less than the rest of them in her opinion--but in a 'nice way.' :eyes: Sometimes I feel by the very fact that I married him, I've allowed myself to be abused all over again--just by a different family than my own. :cry:

I tried to stay true to my boundaries, having walked away from my family of origin years ago. He didn't really start to see their 'true colors' so to speak, until we were married.

A few years ago they(dh's sibs) tried to cheat him out of his share of their inheirtance. He cut them out of his life and has nothing to do with them since.

We were still sending gifts to their kids. But 2005 was my last year of doing so. It just doesn't feel right anymore.

He still has contact with his father's sibs. They tried to protect us in the inheiritance situation, and have tried to be honest with dh about who his family really is. He and I spoke to one of them last night. While this relative means well, she's toxic for me--as she hasn't completely healed from being a part of that family. She'll tell us she's done with them. Then the next time we talk to her, she's called them, or spoke to them for some (silly) reason--and she gets upset all over again. It's like she can't live with them, but won't live without them hurting her... It seems self-defeating to me. :banghead:

I generally try to keep my distance from her, because I've experienced enough hurt from those people and am aware of how hearing about it, second hand from her triggers me and my issues. In a moment of weakness, I agreed to meeting with her (and the only other members we still have contact with). :blush:

Last night (of talking with her)and hearing 'the evil one's' latest exploits has just left me completely spent. Talking to her and hearing the same old stories plus new ones has left me a depressed mess today. I feel like a dumb ass for even allowing myself to go there with her. :crazy:

Now I feel I just can't go see them and hear it all in person IN STEREO--lol. Seriously, she doesn't let anything go...

I've told dh to please go without me, and he agreed--but I feel shitty doing so... He'll say he'll go, but I know he won't want to without me.

How do I deal with this?

I would be happy if I never had to hear about those people again--really.

[FreedomAngel82]

1. I'm sorry for your troubles

:( :hug: Have you talked to your dh about everything? Maybe that'll help. Also, send some positive energy to yourself to heal your emotions and take some you time. :hug:

[bliss_eternal]

4. Hi FreedonAngel!

We did talk it over. Last night and a few times today. He's been really supportive, and is understanding. He knows how this relative is-- lol.

We're just going through a bit of a trying time, but not with each other. We've decided it's for the best to cut out the people that are abusive.

I appreciate your kind thoughts and words! :hi: :hug:

[FreedomAngel82]

16. Good

Maybe he can have a chat with the person being awful to you. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself though (sorry for being late in replying). :hug: Continue taking care of yourself, okay? :hug:

[Behind the Aegis]

2. Some thoughts...

First...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :party:

Sounds like the 'real' battle is between your heart and head. Your heart is craving "family" since you left yours so long ago. I sense you might have had some hope you could find that need fulfilled by your dh's family, but it was not to be. You know family doesn't have to be blood, so look for those who make you happy and at ease, and make them your family.

The one woman you are still talking with, who likes to live the woes of the family, is toxic, in your opinion. If so, then you may have to cut her loose. However, I have a strong feeling that you "need" her, possibly to still feel connected to a 'family.' So, here are a few things to think about... 1) you can cut her off completely, and stick to it, 2) you can continue to experience her, and have regrets later, or 3) you can keep in contact and take more control of the situation by not letting her talk about the family woes, or limiting those conversations. You might say something like, "Carole (or whatever her name is), I appreciate that they are driving you nuts. But, how is repeating it helping you? Seems to me like it is just picking a scab. Let it heal. Let's talk about this lovely painting I did..." You get the idea.

As for the trip, you will feel shitty either way. But, would you rather feel shitty with dh or by yourself? At least with dh, you will have his love surrounding you and there will be no guilt for letting him "go it alone." If it gets too much for you, design a codeword (phrase) for the two of you that means "it is time to get the fuck out of here! NOW!" Something like, "Hey, dh, remember when I cooked that pumpkin pie and dropped it." Or, you could give them something to talk about for years and start licking your hands and saying, "I am a good kitty!" :) and :evilgrin:

I apologize if I am coming across heavy-handed. Giving advice is so much easier than following it! One other thing I would say is that you have your own strength to rely on...prepare yourself before you go or talk with them. You know the triggers, don't let them get to you. It will take practice, and you will slip on occasion. Don't let their darkness diminish your light! Also, lighten up on yourself...you are being too critical of yourself. We all have weak moments, it is what makes us human and also allows us to learn, if we so choose.

:hug: from BtA

[bliss_eternal]

3. How do you always know how to make me laugh--

"I am a good kitty?" LOL! LOL! Thanks, I needed that.

I didn't perceive your response as heavy handed at all. :D I really appreciate your kind words, and insight. You've offered me helpful advice.

I feel that I do need to take more charge of the situation (as best I can). I know in my heart and head that she sincerely means no harm--this is just her way. But you're right, I could take care of myself better with her.

My husband still enjoys the relatives on that side of the family. He's lost so much more, I don't want to see him lose those that have tried to be there for us. I don't want him to feel he has to lose more. LOL!

You're right in that I did have an expectation that maybe I'd finally have a family with his family when we married. This was not the case at all--bunch of psycho, bigot, asshole losers. LOL! Given that, I feel that this is the only direction things could have gone as far as they are concerned. My husband wouldn't grow with these people in his life, and our relationship would be forever overshadowed by them and their negativity had we not decided to walk away from them all. So despite the loss being challenging--I know it's a blessing and for the best.

Happy New Year to you, too! Hope all is well with you--thank you for the great advice!

[Behind the Aegis]

13. I am glad I made you laugh!

Laughter is important, especially when feeling down. Or, maybe, I just being "catty?" :)

I hope the advice will prove helpful. You know you have best wishes that things turn out well! :hug:

[BlueIris]

5. I don't feel qualified to give advice, but I will send good energy.

Feel better!

[bliss_eternal]

6. That's always appreciated--

Thank you! :hi: :hug:

[NuttyFluffers]

7. how to deal? openly stated boundaries, and stick to them.

now you know.

you made a relapse. oops, you're human. oh well. dump the new poisonous gossip out of your head and replace with a nice helping of good news from other loved ones in your life.

tah-dah!

had to do a bit of this myself. other family members have wanted to share news or whatever with another group that cut me out of their lives. i firmly and politely state that while i hope they are in good health and fortune i am not interested in news of their lives, nor do i want to hear it. if they persist in commenting i wait until they finish, all the while giving a blank stare, and leave a long pregnant, most uncomfortable pause at the end to punctuate my disinterest. nothing like a blank stare and heavy silence to correct people when they crossed a line.

[bliss_eternal]

10. Thank you so much!

NuttyFluffers :yourock:

I'm sorry to hear of the others in your family that cut you out as well as the desire of some to 'inform you' of their goings on--I know what a pita downer all of that is. :hug: Isn't it interesting that this is the time of year so many with 'family issues' have to take extra time to reinforce boundaries and exhibit personal tlc?

I appreciated your providing a detailed description of how you deal with this. Blank stare with the pregnant pause sounds like a great method of reinforcing such a boundary.

[Cleita]

8. I can tell you what my family did, but I never was sure it was

a good solution or that it could work for you. My mother is Hispanic and my white family on my father's side pretty much gave her a hard time, especially, because she was just learning English at the time they were all interacting.

My grandmother was a sweet nice person, but the other relatives were racist and ignorant, yet there was no way one could spend time with her without the other family members being around.

My father got fed up and when my grandmother died we moved far away and severed all ties. He only kept in touch with a favorite nephew and his family, which is the way it was until the nephew, my cousin, died a few years ago. I no longer have any relatives as far as I know from my father's side of the family.

Now, this arrangement made life much easier for my mother because no ones needs toxic people in their lives, however, sometimes I think it would have been nice to have more family around. On the other hand maybe they did me a favor.

[bliss_eternal]

9. Hi Cleita!

:hi: Good to see you!

Quote:
Now, this arrangement made life much easier for my mother because no ones needs toxic people in their lives, however, sometimes I think it would have been nice to have more family around. On the other hand maybe they did me a favor.

Knowing what your mother may have felt like from my own situation, and seeing the way the ignorant ones treat innocent children with their blood and an ethnic heritage--it is my opinion that they did you a favor. Having more family around isn't all that nice, when they act like you're invisible.

We will probably continue to have contact with very few relatives. The others I mentioned are history. We have little contact with them now, at least not reciprocal contact--we send gifts to their kids--of which no one can be bothered to allow the children to drop us a line to even acknowledge it. We're fed up with it all, so no more. No gifts, nothing.

From here on, anything we get from any of them will be marked 'returned to sender' and placed back in the mail.

This is going to sound wackly but dh's family reminds me of people I've seen profiled on American Justice. I'm serious. They have the character traits of anti-social deviants and serial killers. :scared:

[Why Syzygy]

11. I read the abused feeling loud and clear.

In my former marriage, my role eventually became 'scapegoat'. Since xdh could do no wrong (he was the 'baby'), obviously I was to blame for anything and everything that went wrong or that his family didn't approve of. It wasn't based on race, but I was always an outsider, for whatever reason.

Thank goddess that your dh is willing to work with you to find a resolution to your situation.
It is very painful to say goodbye to anyone who has been integral to our lives, no matter the circumstances or relationship.

I've been counseled that my personality type (INFP) makes it particularly hard for me to let go of people/places/things. (well not things so much, usually)
I am amazed at how easily some folks seem to break off relationships. I'm getting better at it, though. Sometimes it is the only healthy choice.

Take care of yourself.

[bliss_eternal]

12. I'm thankful

that my husband is supportive.

I am also amazed how easily some can break things off--it's hard for me, too. Sometimes even in the face of mistreatment--tough for me to walk away. Silly I know.

I'm very sorry that you became the scapegoat in your former family. :hug: Having seen an entire family scapegoat one of their own (my dh), I know it's ugly and cruel.

It makes me very sad that dh's family treated him that way. But I'm honestly glad he walked away--and is choosing to severe ties further. You're right in that in this case, it seems the only healthy thing to do. Despite my initial depression, I do feel a sense of relief that I won't have that energy in my life anymore.

Long before I came along the pattern was in place, they make themselves feel superior by being condescending to him, treating him like he's stupid and can't do anything--that they have to think for him--tell him what to do. They bullied him and discounted his feelings for years. He tells me that when I came along, I offered him love and support he'd never felt before. With me in his life, he was able to see just how badly they treat him, and how little they think of him. It really broke my heart. Being one that HAD to walk away from my family, I wouldn't wish such a thing for anyone.

Thanks for your words of support--I appreciate them!

[LiberalEsto]

14. Is there a way to put some physical distance between them

and yourselves?

Fifteen years ago we moved 200 miles from my husband's family because my m-in-law was harassing my daughters (then 3 and 6) for not being Catholic, as if that were their fault. That was the last straw in a long list of issues. They considered my husband the family's black sheep.

Moving out of state was the smartest thing we could have done. Only seeing us once or twice a year made them treat my family better. They realized if they pissed us off, they wouldn't see us at all. Things did not become perfect, but now my husband is respected and even valued by his father and sisters, if not his brothers. (M-in-law passed away 2 years ago after a long bout with Alzheimers, during which my husband and older daughter spent about 1 in 3 weekends there caring for her).

If you could remove yourselves from the fray and focus on positive things -- a religious congregation, a neighborhood community, a group of friends with similar interests, or something along those lines -- you could make new lives for yourselves. It may or may not happen, but after a number of years of distance, it might be possible to re-connect with family members who treat you decently.

Good luck to you!

[bliss_eternal]

15. Update--we're NOT going!

:woohoo: :bounce: :woohoo: :bounce: :woohoo: :bounce:

Hey all--dh called his relative and said we couldn't make it afterall (due to work). I'm rather relieved. I told him I was willing to go. He responded that with all we've both been through, we just aren't ready yet. To deal with one that isn't at the point of working toward healing (his relative) we need to be in a place where it things aren't still so raw.

We discussed it more today, I'm pleased with the decision. I'm also relieved, one less stress right now.

Thank you ALL for your supportive posts and great advice! :hi:

[Behind the Aegis]

17. Woohoo!

I am happy for you! :woohoo:

Now, to celebrate...go do something with dh that is just for the two of you...if he refuses...lick your hands, and tell him you are a pretty kitty (:evilgrin:). It will at least get you out of the house...maybe even get you to a bigger 'house.' :)