My son is such an asshole

[TrogL]

There's probably a better name for it and he isn't quite up to "dangerous psychotic" - yet - but he's just plain not nice to be around.

Life with him is one endless argument. He's 13, diagnosed (in my opinion incorrectly) with Tourettes and ADHD. He's on dexedrine and respiridol. It's a battle to get him to take his meds (or a bath for that matter). He'll do literally anything to get his way. He's a grand-master of debating techniques.

I've been building him his own bedroom. Nothing would do but he wanted to put his door hardware on himself. We'll pick it up from there.

Me: I'll drill the holes, you can do the rest.

Kid: *whiney* How come nobody ever lets me do anything.

Me: OK, we'll compromise. I'll do the big hole, you do the little one.

Kid: *whiney* You don't trust me.

Me: I don't trust the drill. It jumps sometimes. Better it happen to me than to you.

Kid: *acting all superior* It wouldn't happen to me.

Me: OK, put the 3/4" bit in and tighten it with the chuck key.

Kid: *acting all superior* I don't need the chuck key. I can just use my hands and it works.

Me: Use the chuck key. It's safer.

Kid: *whiney* Nobody lets me do anything. Why do I even bother.

Me: No chuck key, no drill.

Kid: *sulky* oh, all right. *uses chuck key, drills the hole*

Me: The door isn't going to close properly the way you've mounted the bracket. You need to use the chisel here.

Kid: *sulky* you hate everything I do

Me: I just want it to work right. You've mounted everything else right, just the one bracket's gonna prevent the door from closing properly.

Kid: *whiney* so I have to rip it all out and start over

Me: No, just loosen off those two screws and cut a bit of wood away.

Kid: *whiney* I don't wanna do it that way.

Me: You want me to do it? I know! *brightly* Let's beat on it. *gets mallet*

Kid: yeah! *beats shit out of bracket, banging it into place*

Me: OK, now put the knob assembly on.

Kid: *snarkey* It ain't gonna fit.

Me: *fits it in*

Kid: why do you hate me

...and on and on...

[SW FL Dem]

1. You have my deepest sympathies

My son just turned 14, 90% of the time he is a wonderful, sensitive kid, the rest of the time, he can be a real PITA. He knows everything, everything I do is wrong, everything I ask him to do is unfair, I am totally stupid, you get the picture. Your conversation sounds completely normal to me.

[knowbody0]

2. if this helps you. i am happy

the best advice i was ever given regarding kids, especially this age kid, is to try as hard as you can to not take it personally. this stage is as important as crawling and walking. they are becoming autonomous and it scares the shit out of them. the new attitude actually allows you to step out of the drama, and watch with loving eyes as he takes his awkward first baby steps into adult-ness. believe it or not, it becomes entertaining, and you do not waste energy in nonsense dialog. good luck.

[mopinko]

3. sounds like my daughter at that age

and, boy, do i know how you feel. i just hated her. i mean, i knew i loved her, and did appreciate the good things about her. but she just drove us crazy, and hubby and i often found ourselves curling up together at the end of the day, and reassuring ourselves that she was, indeed, hateful and awful. it was the most desperately painful thing i have ever been through.
fwiw, she turns 18 tomorrow, a day we honestly wondered if we would see. she is really on the right road, now. she is in a therapeutic school, getting straight a's, starring in the play, and looking forward to college.
hang in there.

[knowbody0]

4. sounds like me and my woman child

i remember thinking about finding an exorcist

[RevolutionStartsNow]

5. Been there

We've suggested an exorcist more than once. Got very close to going to a therapist, which seemed better than just killing her, or driving her up to a mountain spot and leaving her there.

But believe it or not, at 13 she's turned into a wonderful kid. Still sometimes outrageously defiant and mean and disobedient, but most of the time she's just brilliant and kind.

She was however a terror from about age 6 to 11.

[SoCalDem]

6. Sounds like nothing that 10 years won't "cure"

My middle son practically sent me to a mental ward, but eventually (if we're lucky) they DO grow up and see the error of their ways :)

[Pithlet]

7. My sympathies

I don't have a teenager yet, but my 4 year old must be getting a jump on things. The past couple of months he's been so defiant and stubborn. He's driving me crazy. Here I was hoping he'd outgrow it, and then your post made me remember what I was like as a teenager... I think kids must go through certain developmental stages where they're trying to assert their independence. Throw in a stubborn personality, and watch out.

[TrogL]

8. Took him to the pediatrician today

She tripled his dexedrine and changed his calm-down medicine.

We'll see if it makes a difference.

[TrogL]

9. Meds appear to be working

He went to sleep straight away last night and even left his TV on by mistake. Normally he's good about turning it off. He also woke up fairly easily this morning (even though he did try to con us into not sending him to school).

[prozacnation]

10. It must be something in the water

Living with my 12 year old son lately is like living in a combat zone. He goes from happy to sad to pissed to crying, etc. I am seriously ready to scream!!!!! Who is this child and what did he do with my sweet son?

Is this a normal adolescent thing? If so it just sucks. The next few years should be real fun. This is me trying to be positive, can you tell?

I'm glad that your son is responding to his meds. I hope your house stays calm.

[TrogL]

11. Latest stunt

He tried to set off the burglar alarm. Fortunately somebody heard it beeping and disabled it.

Also, every sharp knife in the house (including kitchen knives) is missing. I found a few broken handles in the back yard. I suspect one of his friends.

[TrogL]

13. Found the knives

Inside his mattress. Also:

• the gameboy he claimed had been stolen
  
• some of my tools
  
• permissions slips he claimed he'd never received
  
• two, yes two CD players he claimed were stolen
  

Had a really nice chat with the vice principal and his teacher about some of the issues. They asked around and he apparently has no real enemies (other than those associated with his best friend, who probably deserves them). They reported that he was acting really, really paranoid yesterday. He refused to sit anywhere except where he had clear line of sight on the door.

His reason for having knives stuffed in his mattress was to defend himself from people coming into his room at night. One problem. He's got a lock on his door and I've got the only key (he lost his). I come in at night to pick up junk, turn off his TV (he falls asleep with it on) and drop off clean laundry. He's snoring to beat the band.

Things got so crazy yesterday I dropped by Emergency Social Services and they phoned over to Emergency Children's Psychiatric Services and I had a half-hour chat with someone there who knew his stuff. If there's any more problems, they'll see him instantly 24/7. They'll even come over to the house if necessary.

He's also got an appointment Tuesday with an intake worker for another children's psychiatric program.

One thing came to mind after a bit of discussion. Things started to get crazy when the pediatrician switched him from Respiridol to a different med (and when his meds when missing for three days - I bought replacements, then found the originals. He swore they were in his room. I found them on the dining room table.)

So it looks like he's gonna be taken care of one way or another.

Oh by the way, guess how much all this is costing me extra.


...


...


...

Nothing. They even let me use their phone to save me the 35 cents.

I'm on Blue Cross and they pay 80% of his meds. He's on generic stuff so it comes to about $10 a month.

I spend more than that on slurpees.

[yardwork]

18. The knives are an alarming development

You're doing the right thing to seek out additional psychiatric care. Good luck to you and your son.

[halobeam]

12. Your child sounds just like every teenager I know.

My boy is 14. Last year was worse though. Maybe next year will make last year look good in comparison, and come to think of it, THAT would kill me.

My son 4/5 nights a week would refuse to go to bed.. 11pm 12pm 1 am then sometimes at 2/3 am, during the week this is, realize. If he would've left me alone I could've handled it, but he would come in my room and ask me to stay up with him. I get up at 6 am everyday, I can not function on four hours sleep a night 4/5 nights a week. When it began, I did talk to him, but he'd then want to watch tv or listen to music, etc..get the picture? So then I'd say, I'm going to bed, please keep the tv down, or whatever.. he'd come back in my room.

Finally, I shut the door and asked for my time to sleep. He would bang on the door and wake everyone in the house up. Then I started sleeping in the den, with my tv on at least I'd watch stupid tv instead of fighting in the dark house.

To top it off, which almost sent me over the edge. He'd stand between me and the tv and block my view and talk over it so I wouldn't hear it, then would turn it off.

This went on for seven/eight months. OMG>.. I aged last year.

I found out what was bothering him FINALLY after over a half of year of him trying to figure it out himself to even verbalize it, which is key to getting the solution on it's way, btw.

His dad (we are divorced since I was pregnant with my son) told him to do good in school and he'll take him to Disney world right when school gets out. My son didn't want to go with him. His father drinks, and he was afraid to be alone in a far away place with him. (Which of course was why I wasn't going to let him go with him anyway, but didn't say anything because these promises were made every year and never kept anyhow..)

Anyhow, with months of therapy during all this with a VERY trusted social worker, he was able to understand his actions about school and how it related to his dad and the trip... he was able for the first time to verbalize this when he asked me the night before his science final, hey mom, don't get mad, but do you think if I blow my final on purpose I won't have to go to Florida with Dad, cuz I'll have summer school? I think this way, he won't get mad at you for saying no I can't go, and then Dad will stop hounding me about going with him, because I'll have to go.

In conclusion, I told my son to NEVER fail himself as a way to deal with someone. There are always other ways to choose. I told him he is a child, and I am his mother and I will tell his father that he is not going this summer. He right away worried about his dad yelling at me, and I reassured him that I am a very big girl and I sleep very well at night. (Then I joked with my son, and said well, since you've grown up some, I get to sleep.)

So that was it. His father went ballistic on me, my son attended four days of Eng and math supplemental class and I slept like a baby.



Could you imagine preferring to blow your school grades causing you to go to summer school, missing camp with your friends, and A DISNEY TRIP FOR TWO WEEKS? All because you are afraid and mistrust your father? How sad is that.


Update... LOL... This year? None of this. His father said the same, "I'll take you on a great trip, if you do good in school, etc." and you know what? My son said, "No dad, not this year, I'm a CIT in camp and it's a job that I can't miss days. Maybe another time"...

It's all so worth it. They do grow up.. and NOT without growing pains, for them, and for us.

[TrogL]

14. He was good as gold today

I kept him busy with kewl things to do.

When he wanted to go for a bike ride (new (for him) bike) I went immediately.

When he wanted something to take apart, today just happened to be the day I had picked to demolish the front steps (they're rotten).

Then we discovered the birch tree in the front yard is dead (see Lounge thread ) and he got to cut some of it down.

Also, his meds have been found and it was his third day in a row taking them so perhaps they're back online.

Granted, not every day can be like this.

He did do a certain amount of conflating and bragging and he got kinda pissy at one point when I wouldn't let him do something wildly dangerous. But overall, it's the best day we've had together in awhile.

Tomorrow should be fun. We're chopping a tree down, building some steps and riding a new, new (to him) bicycle that my daughter's boyfriend gave to him.

[TrogL]

15. Ok, things have gotten a lot worse

Suicide threats, hiding knives all over the place.

[mzmolly]

16. I know many kids with TS and ADHD who claim the meds are worse

then the condition.

If he's hiding knives and threatening suicide, I'd consider the meds are possibly aggravating the situation? Perhaps there is good reason he doesn't like his meds, KWIM?

I am so sorry!!

My little one has Tourette's as well. We don't medicate but keep some helpful vitamins and natural sups on hand. There are some forums that may be of help, let me know if your intersted and I'll PM the link.

Best wishes in all this.

[TrogL]

17. Well, I have to do something

See this thread