Full time stay-at-home-parents, how do you do it?

[wildeyed]

I have two kids, four and two, and have been able to work at home part-time since the birth of my first. After my first, I had a great sitter who was with us for two years. Since then, I have had several sitters who haven't worked out. I finally threw in the work towel at the end of November, went to parenting full time.

At first it was great. We made cookies, had many play dates. I fixed up the kitchen. But now I am starting to get depressed. My kids are relatively easy, but the needs of kids are so endless and I rarely get a break. My husband is helpful, but now as the sole breadwinner, he has more responsibility in the workplace and is out of the house more.

I am contemplating getting an au pair (we have a large house, but not allot of cash, so this is an economical solution for us), then going back to work at least three days a week.

But I am also conflicted. If I hire the au pair, I will have to produce enough income to make that worthwhile, so there is no going back.

Will I miss spending time with the kids too much? Will it be too weird having a stranger living in the house? Should I just stay full-time at home until the kids are both in school in three years?

Here is some background. My husband and I started a business together about seven years ago. It has been moderately successful. It allows us a middle-class living and for me to stay home with the kidlets, if that is what we desire. It also gives me allot of flexibility with work scheduling. And I enjoy the work, that is why I started the business in the first place. Plus we would like to do an expansion, but that will be difficult without my input.

So what are your experiences balancing work and family? I am sure there are a few stories from the trenches.

[rbnyc]

1. What's the possibility of getting an au Pair who's not a stranger?

I was once an au pair for an older friend who had gone back to school to get her degree. I was taking time off from school. I worked on the weekends at a restaurant and was primarily responsible for the girls Monday through Friday. My friend paid me with room and board and a very small weekly allowance.

It was a great situation for everyone. I never had thought of being an au pair, but I was very good at it. Look around your group of friends and associates. Maybe someone has a college-age kid looking for something to do for a year or two. Someone responsible, but who's not a professional.

Just an idea.

My husband is a stay-at-home-dad and I work full time to support us. But my husband picks up freelance work now and then and we get a baby sitter. We're very lucky that we have an excellent and affordable baby-sitter whom we know and trust.

I think if I were you, tho, honestly, I would not want to go back to work just to afford to have someone else be with my kids.

I think the real issue is that you're depressed and need a break. Maybe what you need is not a permanent change, but just a vacation. Can the kids stay a week at Grandma's? Space Camp?

Good Luck.

[wildeyed]

2. You're probably right.

We don't have any family near by, so if we don't pay someone to be with the kids while we take a break, no one is. We were good about getting out with our first, but between being busier and more broke, we have not been as good about it since the second.

How 'bout I send the kids to Grandma's and I go to Space Camp! Or Circus Camp, that would be great, too.

I'm not rushing into anything, whatever I decide.

[Frogtutor]

3. Many churches around where I live have free, or low cost

"Parents' Day Out" programs. They're usually two days a week, from about 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. It would at least give you a chance to get out of the house, find some adult conversation, run your errands in peace (shopping alone!!!) or whatever. I know I used to just get lonely not having any other adults to talk to! But at least you have DU!

I stayed home with my son from birth to almost three years, then started going to college. I managed to get my classes into two days a week, and my mom watched him for me on those days. As soon as he actually turned 3 he started preschool. We were very poor since I had quit my job, and we qualified for the Head Start program. Well, I kept going to school until I got my BS in elementary education, which took 7 years! I was almost always able to get my schedule around his school hours. I graduated in 2002, but I haven't gone to work. I tutor on line part time. My son is 12 now, so he's pretty low maintenance!

[wildeyed]

5. Shopping alone!!!!!! Bliss.

I am a member of the YMCA. They have a great child watch program that I use when I work out. As a result, I am in excellent shape, since exercise is the only break I get from the kids. They have a mother's morning out program, but it is expensive, so I don't use it much.

We have been talking about doing a babysitting co-op with some other moms at my daughter's preschool. But between being the volunteer coordinator at the preschool and all my political volunteer work, I haven't had time to organize it.

[SW FL Dem]

4. I've done it all - full time work, part time work, full time home

When my son was born, I was lucky enough to be in a position where my employer gave me four months paid leave. I took that plus another month of vacation time so I was home for a total of 5 months. I went back full- time but only after I found a wonderful nanny who came highly recommended by a co-worker who I trusted. We still exchange Christmas cards even though we haven't seen her since 1993. I tried working full- time for a few months but it was really hard, I was a lawyer in a big law firm, so their definition of full-time was 60+ hours a week. My son was doing well, but I was missing out on too much. I asked to cut back to a 70% schedule and my request was approved. Unfortunately, in the eyes of the other lawyers, this took me off the career track and onto the mommy track. After about a year of part-time work (and thanks to the Reagan economy) I was laid off.

I stayed home until my son was 3. My son is the most important thing in my life, but I was incredibly frustrated, bored and depressed. I had given up a 6 figure income and missed adult contacts and intellectual challenges. I found a job where I could work basically 9-5 and also found a wonderful child care center that had room for my kid. He did well for 9 months, but then he learned that if he misbehaved, the center called mom to pick him up. My absolutely wonderful kid started biting others because he knew it would result in me coming to get him. On the advice of our pediatrician, we moved my son to a family day care with a woman who knew how to deal with him. He absolutely blossomed and things worked well. When it was time for my son to enter pre-school, we had to move him because his day care was too far from his school We lucked out and found a wonderful Swiss au pair who lived with us for a year until my son was ready for kindergarten. It was strange having a stranger in our house, but it worked out wonderfully. We still correspond with Cathy, even though she went home in 1996.

When my son entered Kindergarten, we had him in YMCA day care which was located on the school grounds. He spent the mornings with a girl (who is still one of his best friends 8 years later), they walked him to his class and picked him up after school. We thought everything was fine until we learned at the end of the year that my son was behind and had a learning disability. I wanted to cut back my schedule, but hubby got laid off and I was the only source of income for 6 months. Once hubby got a full time job, I asked to cut back so I could help my son. Again, showing that I cared about my family more than my job was my downfall. I was laid off at the beginning of my son's second grade year. At that point the family decided to make some major changes, we moved cross country because hubby had a GREAT job opportunity. We downsized our life so I could be a full-time mom. I've been home full time for 6 1/2 years now. The kid will be 14 in a few weeks. My staying home is best for the family. Many days, I am bored out of my mind, but there aren't many options. I am overqualified for the jobs that are available. TG for the internet and DU. If I didn't have this outlet, I would go nuts.

[wildeyed]

6. It is a shame that business can't figure out how to take advantage of

someone with your education and intelligence without demanding 60 hours a week.

As a small business owner, I don't face that type of anti-family BS. If I go back, it will be for three days a week, possibly a few extra hours here and there. The nice thing about owning the business with my husband, we really can put our family first and still thrive as a business.

I need to decide if I want to find an au pair and go back now, or if it is better to be patient and wait until the kids are in school. Then I will have more free time during the day to work. And I can still be home in the afternoon to be with them after school.

[lizzieforkerry]

7. I have been a full time stay-at-home

since my first was born 4 years ago. I know have him and a 20 month old. I love spending time with my kids and don't miss having to keep a strict schedule with them if I was working. To counteract the boredom and depression, I have found a lot of cheap and entertaining things to do. I take advantage of our child watch at our Y to workout several times a week, DU has been great and my kids know when mommy gets on the 'puter they get to watch their one video a day -Shark Tale is playing right now. I started a Bunko group with other moms in the neighborhood and we meet once a month. We didn't know each other very well when we stared, we just all had a common desire to have 1 night a month without kids and with adults. After two years I have 7 best friends that I can't imagine my life without. We help watch each others kids during the week if someone has a Dr appt. or needs to volunteer at an older child's school. Since there are 8 of us, you don't feel like you are always asking the same person to help you. In the summer we plan one outing a week with the kids (think 17 kids at a water park- it is hilarious, but actually easier because we all watch out for each others kids, like if you have to take one to the potty). And one night a week we put the kids to bed and then walk to someone's house to have drinks (pop for the non drinkers) on the back porch- it usually from about 9:30 until 11:00, we stay outside so our laughing doesn't keep the kids and hubby's awake. Our library has a story hour so I can usually pick out a good book to read at night My son's preschool lets us use their nursery and we have a group of mom's that do a Mom's Day Out during the summer. It is free and every 4th week is my turn to watch the kids with another mom, which is actually kind of fun. The kids are completely confined and since I'm not at home I am not concerned with trying to get other things done, so I can really focus on playing with the kids. I also subscribe to a LOT of magazines- mostly news and political- so I don't feel like my brain is completely rotting, although I lost to my husband at Jeopardy last night so I am now worried that maybe it is...

Anyway if you decide to keep at the stay at home thing maybe some of these ideas will help! Good luck with your decision- it is such a hard one to make!

[The empressof all]

8. Sitting Co-op

When I was home with my child when she was young I belonged to a Babysitting co-op. There were 15 of us who used a "chit" type system to maintain some parity in services. (If I remember correctly you can google babysitting co-op and get some organization and structural suggestions)

I actually found another Mom who took my daughter two days a week and I took her daughter two days a week. Our kids are still friends (and so are we!) Obviously situations like this require open discussion of differences in parenting styles but it can be very workable.

Another option is Nanny Sharing. It's more cost effective and very common now for two families to share a Nanny. I've even seen people advertise in local "kids" papers for Nanny shares. Of course with anyone you allow to watch your kids you need to check them out.

[mopinko]

9. marijuana nt

[wildeyed]

10. For you or the kids? n/t

[mopinko]

11. seriously

it was a few minutes of sheer grown-up-ness in my day.

[OnionPatch]

16. Hear hear

nt

[CornField]

12. I've been a work-from-home mom since 1998

I left a journalism career to become a stay-at-home-mom. I expected to do some freelance writing, but hadn't really anticipated what came to pass -- a full-blown home business.

While working, I had volunteered to put together a web site for our community. I approached local government officials about adding their content to this community site on a volunteer basis. They agreed and I had volunteered in that manner for several months. After I stopped working, I was phoned by the city manager who said, "We like what you're doing with the web information. We'd like for you to do more and we'd like to pay you." From there the business grew by word of mouth.

In any event, I had one daughter who was attending elementary school at that time. Working from home was *easy* in that situation. Our family has since grown to add a now 5-yr-old daughter and an almost 3-yr-old son. Things have become much more ... well ... "less easy." LMAO!!

Here are a few of the things that have helped me to keep what's left of my sanity:

* My mother-in-law is gracious enough to take over my children each Wednesday. That gives me a minimum of one day per week that I can schedule meetings, make presentations, and so-forth.

* The two little ones are old enough now to be in preschool two days per week. Since my 5-yr-old has a tendency to get very, very sick when she contracts a virus (she stops moving oxygen and ends up in the hospital very easily), she and her brother are kept out of preschool for the high-risk flu months.

* My savior is the egg-timer. I use to go nuts because they would ask, "How long will you have to do that?" When I'd tell them "30 minutes" or "an hour," they didn't comprehend. Now I set the eggtimer. When it dings, I'm officially on break and they can ask me to read, play, get drinks, snacks, etc. Once everyone is re-settled, I reset the timer and go back to work.

* My second savior is the cellular phone. One of the best things about working from home is that I'm not really limited to working at home. Sometimes we pack up and head to the park. I can sit on a bench with the laptop and cell phone while they have a great time playing on the playground. (This arrangement continues to work better and better as they grow older -- it wasn't so easy at first.)

I hope I'm not being too nosey/forceful here, but these next items are things I wish someone had told me:

~ Get up each day and get dressed. It gets very easy to lounge around in your pajamas (and there are days I do just that), but on the whole you'll feel better about yourself and have a better work ethic if you are dressed.

~ Put your home office somewhere where you can shut it off or ignore it on weekends, special occassions and most evenings. If you don't, it becomes too easy to confuse home and work. Try to keep set hours if at all possible. I still have times when I feel guilty for sitting on the sofa watching a show because I know there is work on my desk that isn't done. This is probably the worst part of working from home... it is difficult to ever leave either work or home.

~ Buy healthy "grab and go" foods. If you are going to be working anywhere near your own kitchen, do not have it stocked with junk. It will call to you... then it will scream. LOL!

~ Separate the kids' toys into 3-4 large plastic bins (instead of one really huge toy box). When you notice that the kids are no longer finding interest in the toys that our out, pack them up and pull out a different bin. I swear... they'll think it is Christmas or their birthday. (Note: This works best for ages 4 and under.)

I'm sure there is more, but since I've been meaning to post to you for quite awhile now, I'll just leave it with this.

[wildeyed]

13. I wish I had family in town to help out a little.

Neither set of grandparents are interested in being too hands-on, even when they visit for short periods, so who know whether it would be different if they were around more. But I'm not bitter or anything......

The egg timer is an excellent idea, even just to get a few sanity minutes.

My son starts preschool two mornings a week in the fall, so I have that to look forward to.

Honestly, I have just been more tired than usual recently. I went for my yearly exam, and the doctor pronounced my health excellent, so I don't think it is anything serious. And I have been feeling better the past few days, so hopefully the phase is passing.

Thanks to everyone for all the good advice!

[clyrc]

14. the isolation and boredom nearly killed me

More than anything I wanted to stay home with my kids, but I didn't drive and for years I lived in places where I had little contact with other people. My husband was strangely unsympathetic, saying everyone had to make sacrifices. Eventually, I decided suicide was inevitable if I didn't do SOMETHING, so I learned to drive, went back to school, and put my 3 year old in daycare. She was ok in daycare and I was happy. She got out at 3:00 and we spent the rest of the day together, with her older sister.

Now I'm strictly a stay at home mom again, and I won't drive where I live because it's too scary, but I've joined a women's association and I have friends who keep me entertained. Taxis are easy to get and cheap if I have to leave the house on my own.

I would like to go back to work some time, maybe when my youngest is a little older. But for now this is nice because I can go to all of the many school activities and spend lots of time with the girls.

[Ilsa]

15. Try to find a Mothers Group where you get together for free and

take your kids. They can play with the others. Or start your own play group. That helped me alot when my kids were young. By starting your own group, you get to have moms with similar parenting values as yourself, and so your kids get exposed to what you want them to be exposed to.

I suffer from guilt that I'm not doing enough around the house, but my husband never complains. Continue to do other work that you find rewarding. Exercise.

[OnionPatch]

17. I was a full-time mom

for about two years. After awhile it did start to get to me. What I did was go back to work part-time and put my daughter in pre-school a few days a week. She's an only child and I felt she needed to be around other kids as much as I needed to be around adults sometimes. I love her pre-school. She likes it too and learns a lot there and with me working only part-time, she doesn't have to spend TOO much time there.

It's working out well except that my husband always seems to think that since I don't "work" as much as he does, I should have time to do ALL the housework, bills, errands and shopping. It's really more than I can handle. I'm seriously looking into having someone come and clean a little every week. My friend has an au pair and likes it but I'm just not into having a relative stranger in my house all the time. I'd rather pay someone to clean while I watch my daughter.

Good luck. I hope you find something that works for your situation.