The Benefits of Abuse

[Triana]

Remarkable article based on Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?"

“The benefits of abuse are a major social secret, rarely mentioned anywhere. Why? Largely because abusers are specialists in distracting our attention. They don’t want anyone to notice how well this system is working for them (and usually don’t even want to admit it to themselves). If we caught on, we would stop feeling sorry for them and instead start holding them accountable for their actions. As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.”

…

“Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.

"The abuser ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory. That’s a pretty privileged lifestyle.“

Much more at LINK
It's a worthy look into the minds of these men and how they, with the support and SILENCE of our society, get away with their abuse.


THE BOOK "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, who, for many years, has counselled abusive men and learned how their minds work and what their attitudes are.

The antidote: EXPOSURE and education.

[Demeter]

1. Been There, Done That , Got The Divorce K&R

You nailed it there!

[Triana]

6. GOOD for you!

You should be very proud of your smart, strong self for getting out!

:hug:

[musette_sf]

2. K&R

and so, so true....

[Quantess]

3. Here's rec #4

Who's giving #5?

[IndyOp]

4. Yup. Similar payoff for racists and other haters -- their self-esteem rises

as a result of hating and hurting others. Seriously.

We have to talk about the "payoffs" for bad behavior to teach people how to reject that behavior by not allowing it in others, by getting their needs met in other socially beneficial ways.

[Triana]

5. "not allowing it in others"

That, I think, is the key. Identification. Exposure. Education.

Notice how men, women, and society don't talk about the privilege afforded abusers. Men most of all. Not that it's any secret among them, but they don't want to bring attention to their privilege so it's not discussed. It's easier to detract and distract from it and to tell women they're 'imagining things', 'crazy' or 'oversensitive'.

Unfortunately, when it comes to abuse and exploitation within intimate relationships, it's still far, far too widely accepted, if noticed at all. At the same time, I suppose it can be lumped in with the other 'isms', because it is often part of 'sexism'.

I still say a HUGE public education campaign is in order. We did it for racism - which still exists but at least is mostly acknowledged (not to the extent that it should be mind you but it's much farther along than the problem of domestic/intimate abuse).

I wish like Hell there were mandatory classes in elementary, jr high and high schools about abusive relationships, and what constitutes healthy boundaries and self-esteem. ESPECIALLY for the girls.

[Quantess]

15. Public awareness and education programs

"...classes in elementary, jr high and high schools about abusive relationships..."

My initial thought is that this type of awareness is best learned at home, ideally with good role models. However, since so many families are centered around abusive relationships that never get resolved, the children never get to see what a good relationship is like.

Plus, what about the immigrants from other cultures who somehow missed the part that domestic violence is illegal in the US? Those new residents, both abusers and abused, need to be reached by the awareness campaigns. Currently, it seems that the public awareness campaigns are only geared toward battered women. The abusers need a good talking to, as well, otherwise, they will go on their old abusive ways, still thinking it's acceptable. Right now, the best "awareness campaign" for abusive spouses from other cultures, is to watch the show "Cops".

[guruoo]

9. I've seen this in management-employee relationships

As the victim. Complaining to HR just encouraged my nemisis
to become more covert in their approach.

[Triana]

10. Abusers are great at that...

...this is why in intimate relationships "couples counseling" often doesn't work. Either the victim ends up getting blamed for the abuse (ie: it's chalked up to "communication" problems and (s)he is asked to change his/her behavior rather than the abuser being asked to face up to his/her abuse), and/or the abuser just finds different, more covert methods of abuse. Probably the same reason complaining to HR doesn't work.

In some instances, the victim is told to tell the abuser when (s)he is getting (or has been) abusive. This is stupid right on its face. The abuser KNOWS when (s)he is being (or has been) abusive - and it is NOT the responsibility of the victim to control the abuser's behavior - that is the abuser's responsibility. Unfortunately, they are rarely held to it. Not by counselors or HR representatives, nor by society.

I'd advise anyone seeking counseling for an abusive relationship to find a counselor who is aware of emotional and verbal abuse, and of abusive relationships and how they work and of how abusers work - the cycle of abuse, blaming, projection, narcissism, verbal abuse, the abuser's sense of entitlement to special treatment, the Jekyll/Hyde modus operandi, etc.

[undergroundpanther]

12. Check this site out

http://www.bullyonline.org/

And this one.
http://ponerology.blogspot.com/

[Triana]

14. The ponerology site is a particularly interesting one..

....there has been an ongoing debate over whether abusers are inherently evil, or whether they are sick.

[Warpy]

7. Another thing nobody likes to talk about is the addiction

of the abused partner to the "honeymoon phase" of the cycle. Instead of settling into a normal, boring, bathrobe and slippers type of marriage, there's always a period after the abuse when things return to the heady, romantic days of when the couple was first dating.

I really think that sucks a lot of abused partners into staying for far longer than they should, that it makes them believe the abuser has a stake in changing.

Of course, the abuser is not going to change. For what he or she wants out of that relationship, control, the abuse works.

The best advice is always the same: the first time you are hit, leave.

It's the only way to save your life.

[Triana]

8. The 'cycle' of abuse comes into play...

...where the abuser is remorseful and loving and romantic again -- until next time. And yea, it does make the victim think the abuser can or will change. But - they never do. The word for the 'romantic' phase of the cycle of abuse: "hoovering" -- for obvious reasons.

And being 'hit' isn't always with a fist. Before things even escalate to that, a victim is always 'hit' with verbal and emotional abuse (sometimes sexual and financial abuse) - which does more damage than fists and takes longer to recover from. Bruises and bones heal. Broken spirits and traumatic stress take much longer.

There's domestic ABUSE -- then there's domestic VIOLENCE. ABUSE always precedes the violence. Sometimes violence doesn't occur for months or even years. That doesn't mean there's no ABUSE.

I contend that we need to learn to recognize and stop the ABUSE before it escalates to violence. Stop the problem when and where it starts, not where it finally ends up (with fists and broken bones or even death).

[undergroundpanther]

11. If you realize abuse is very common

and realize 1 in 4 people are abusive you can see why abusive people strive for power.Poor people the down and out are basically targets for abusers who own companies,abusive bosses who use the employee and throw them away. There is MASSIVE financial abuse in this country.That is why the rich NEVER really share because they have the VALUES and BELIEFS that abusers have.In Arianna Huffington's book Pigs at the Trough,she woke up to the fact that super wealthy powerful politicians were not concerned about the poor or working class,they didn't give to them charitably they would give money to things that did nothing to help poor people or workers lives improve .They would not give anything to a soup kitchen or program trying to better the social good of the 'targets which are many Americans.Because they think they are entitled and deserving and poor people deserve to be exploited.

Abuse really is the foundation of the society as it is now. Abuse is what the conservative "values" are all about.
We need to spread the word because abuse is epidemic on so many levels in our culture .We need to get non abusive people educated about abusers so they can stop being targets and enablers of this shit that is killing us all. To change society we need as a people to stop abuses wherever they occur be it domestic violence or massive financial abuse of a nation, or abuse done by laws aimed at taking the rights of certain people(trans-gender or other minorities) to not be abused by the state or workplace away.
Every time a vote comes that makes a class of people second class citizens or takes away their rights,silences them and negates their equal person hood it is abuse by legislation!!

Abusers fear and HATE EQUALITY.They do not want to do their part in ANY relationship they want all the power all the perks and NONE of the fairness,mutual respect or responsibility. The social and personal perks of the abusers must be revoked NOW. And if they threaten us with harm and if they do harm to us or others depending on the situation ,be prepared to,get them arrested,fight or even kill them. You cannot reason or compromise with an abuser. Be it a home tyrant ,workplace tyrant or a political tyrant.The Democratic party the non abusers in that party have to wake up to what they are up against.

The time of trying to appease or tolerate abusers in this world is long over.Every relationship with abusers is a unequal one. It is time to stop them and revoke their stolen privileges positions and perks.And make them pay up, do their share, share the wealth, do their job,or behave, if they do not do this they must be separated from society or killed..

Read what happens when there is no time for bullies..

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C03E6DB1E38F930A25757C0A9629C8B63

[Triana]

13. Unfortunately...

....a lot of Democrats are abusers too. Abuse knows no political party, no economic strata, no race, no sex (though in intimate relationships they are usually (NOT always though) male).

Seeing some of the posts here on DU, and having known some "liberal" Democratic men in my life who were VERY abusive (not physically but financially, emotionally, verbally and psychologically), I can tell you there are abusers in every party. There may be MORE of them in the Repub party for obvious reasons (their belief system and sense of superiority, authority, and entitlement) but that doesn't mean there aren't any who are Democrats/progressives. Abuse is widespread and insidious - and the ultimate escalation of it - is violence. It likely is worse in some quarters but it is really - EVERYWHERE. And it will be as long as people remain ignorant of what it is, how it works, how to recognize it, how it's used against them, and as long as they tolerate it.

I've suffered abuse from lovers, employers, and family members. The most devastating abuse - because they were the most intimately close relationships - was from lovers. THAT type of abuse does particularly cutting damage - for obvious reasons - one's heart is wide open and it ends up shredded like ground beef. Not to mention what living in such an environment does to kids. They grow up either not recognizing abuse when it's being done to them, not knowing what to do to protect themselves (and having to learn all this later in life afer years of suffering), being afraid to protect themselves, codependent, or they end up being abusers themselves.

Abuse in intimate relationships is a special kind of destruction, ruin, and pain unto itself.

Of course it exists EVERYWHERE. And it needs to be identified and called out everywhere. I can't disagree with that.