I need help is anybody out there?

[DawnIsis]

[NMDemDist2]

1. what's up? n/t

[DawnIsis]

2. My Husband is overly upset I'm scared I'm in IL

[DawnIsis]

3. He's gone he'll be back soon

[mahina]

11. Please get off the computer and go stay with a friend till he cools down,

and bring the cops with you when you come back for your stuff and kitties. No joke. Been there.

[lapfog_1]

4. Has he hit you? Now or previously?

If so, call 911 right away and tell them you want to go to a shelter. Even tonight. Don't pack, you can come back tomorrow with an escort and get some things.

There should also be some hot lines open, try 1-800-799-SAFE, they should be open.

[DawnIsis]

5. No. he said he'll smash my face in, no previous violence!!!!

He's not here now so I should maybe go, but I have my kittens (2) can't just leave them.

[AndyTiedye]

6. Grab the Kitties and Go!

[DawnIsis]

8. But where??? My parents are about to leave for their rv trip across the US???

I don't have any idea what to do!

[lapfog_1]

12. Call the hot line and find a women's shelter.

Even if it's 100 miles from you... that's where you need to be right now.

Get moving!

[murielm99]

7. I'll bet you're not the first

to worry about pets. Ask them what to do.

Maybe they can arrange to put them with friends, or foster them temporarily?

[lapfog_1]

9. Unless you think he'd harm the kittens...

leave them and get out now.

Right now. And call the hot line. But don't wait to call them, get out now...

If you have a close girlfriend, call her right now (4am your time?), never mind the social embarrassment. Call her now and have her take you to a shelter for tonight.

Saying "I'll smash your face in" is a lot different than "I'll leave you" or something like that.

[dave_p]

10. Oh heck

Can you phone someone and take them away by cab?

[DawnIsis]

13. Called the hotline said the closest place is 25 miles and they can't help me

[dave_p]

14. Get the cops

You've been threatened. It's not acceptable.

If all else fails, put them in a box and go anywhere. Just don't stay.

Where are you? Someone here may be able to help

[lapfog_1]

16. Why not?

Oh well, worry about that later, call a friend or a cab and get out. Go to a motel somewhere (but not one that your husband would think to look). Call the cops on the way out the door.

[lapfog_1]

15. More phone numbers in IL...

Illinois.. [phone], [phone] or [phone]

Call them and do exactly what they say. Better yet, call them from you or a friends car while you are driving. They will let you know where you can go that is safe.

After you are somewhere safe, attach a note to this thread to let us know you are alright.

[dave_p]

17. Neighbors?

Ask them to look after the kitties & give them some food for them, if that's possible, then get out

Alert them so they'll be on the lookout - witnesses make a big difference

[lapfog_1]

18. It's been 30 minutes from the time of your last posting...

I hope you are not in the house.

I hope you went somewhere safe.

When you get a chance, please let us know.

[WildClarySage]

19. Find a safe place, and when you have, make sure you write

down everything you remember about what's happened tonight. Write who said what, who was doing what, what time, any witnesses, etc. Every detail you can think of. Tomorrow, look into a restraining/protection order. They aren't worth much, but they can help.

Tonight, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]-SAFE *7233*) If you can't get to a shelter, call the Salvation Army to ask about cab fare, paying for a hotel, etc. They often have emergency funds for this sort of thing. If you have to stay where you are, begin planning for a future event. Always know where your purse is, find a place to shelter your kitties in an emergency ( for tonight, try calling your local emergency vet to see if they'll know of a foster/shelter program locally) Begin hoarding small amounts of cash. Keep a spare set of keys, clothes and tolietries with a friend or family member. Keep important papers in your purse, or in a bank box where you can access them if you have to leave home quickly.

Most of all, know that you do NOT deserve to be abused, and you have a right to be safe. Please PM me if you need further advice/help.

[lapfog_1]

20. It's been two hours since her last post...

Does anyone here feel that we should contact the police for her?

I doubt things have remained static or she simply slipped off to bed.

Either she has fled and maybe safe now (I hope) or her husband returned (at 5am) and things have likely gone downhill.

I don't have a phone or I'd do it. If someone else could call the Elmhurst police at 630-530-3050 and
ask if she has called to report domestic violence and if they know if she is someplace safe now...

Inbox me for what I was able to find our about DawnIsis from some simple Internet sleuthing.

[lapfog_1]

21. Four hours since her last post.

Really, I don't have a phone. Would someone call the goddam police dept and tell them to check into this?

She reached out to us for help...

Is there a DUer in the Chicago area that can inbox me and call the police with the info I have? At least we will have done something. Even if it means a bit of embarrassment to the happy couple... better that then her husband returning and beating her up or worse. And we did next to nothing while it happened.

[Mist]

22. A call was made about 11:30 this morning. Police don't have a listing

for her or her husband.

[DawnIsis]

23. Hi everyone I am safe and sound

Thank you so much for your concern. I left last night and I am staying with a friend. My husband had been drinking last night and was definately acting out of character. I have talked to him on the phone and he seems back to normal. I will give it a few days then probably go back home.

[mzteris]

24. drinking, acting "out of character", probably go back . . .

Hon -

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you been married/been together? Has anything like this happened before? Is he/yall under additional stress? etc.......

You may want to elicit some promises from him - such as COUNSELING - and actually his going - before you "probably go back". These types of things generally escalate. First the threats, then the doing, etc. . .

DON'T GO BACK if you have any doubt whatsoever about your safety/his stability!

[DawnIsis]

25. Yeah we talked about going to counseling on the phone

We both need a few days to think before we make decisions.

[mzteris]

26. Be careful. "Promises" are easily

broken - and actions speak much louder than words.

:hug:

[iverglas]

28. DawnIsis, please check out some of these sites

This is a list of the hallmarks of an abuser, with discussion of the common signs:

http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm

Here's a similar list:

http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm

Be honest with yourself when you consider them.

Abusive men are depressingly similar in their behaviours and characteristics. This also means that you are far, far from alone in your problems.

The threat he made is abuse. Period. It is abuse if he never carries it out -- but it is also a warning sign that you are at risk of physical harm. Abusive behaviour virtually never stops without a very serious long-term commitment by the man to changing, and professional assistance.

There may be reasons why a man is abusive -- but none of them are reasons for a woman to be abused.

It's possible that this incident was really a one-off, and that if nothing like this has ever happened before, it will not happen again. But if you think about it, it is still a shocking thing to say, even once -- is this something that you, yourself, would ever say/do, no matter how drunk or angry you were? If he has never said or done anything this violent or threatening, but does exhibit other controlling or intimidating behaviours, please think carefully before brushing it off.

You say that you're going to take a few days to think before you make decisions. Remember that returning to live with him *is* a decision. You may need not just to think -- you may need help yourself to make decisions. You may need to take a very clear-eyed look at what is happening in your home and your relationship, and it may take an outsider's help for you to be able to do that.

Regardless of what help he may agree to get, you need to get help yourself. Please take up one of the offers that have been made here, to help you find the resources to deal with this situation. I'm not even in the same country, so I'm not going to make specific suggestions, but if you were here I would suggest the Y -- for emergency housing and other immediate assistance, and the YWCA, which in Canada runs loads of programs for women and children who have experienced abuse. If you choose not to leave the household with your partner, or to insist that he leave, you still probably need support, whether to leave in future or to deal with the situation as it is.

This looks like a very comprehensive list of services available in Illinois for women victims of abuse:

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/ildv.shtml
"Illinois Domestic Violence Crisis Support Resources"





And one last tip: if you need to transport cats safely and quickly, use a pillowcase tied at the top. (This one comes from tips for getting pets out of burning houses.) The cats will be able to breathe and won't be hurt, and you will be able to carry them easily and leave them unattended for a bit, if necessary, without any harm coming.

[lapfog_1]

27. I'm so relieved to hear from you!!!

Glad that you are alright... a number of DUers here got kinda worried about you, including me.

Anyway, don't be shy to ask for help again... ultimately, that's why we are all here.

Please do give it a few days... and a few days more after that. And seek professional help, especially just for you (as an education in recognizing abusive relationships), and for the both of you (relationship counseling).

Take care and be safe.

[musette_sf]

29. thank you for checking in

:hug:

[dave_p]

30. What a relief

... and I'm glad you're not letting it pass. Don't let it ever happen again - you're entitled not to have to live under such a cloud.

[Warpy]

31. The cycle of violence, and you need to know this

There is always a trigger, something "made" him do it. That trigger can be anything from alcohol to your putting on the wrong color dress. It's just never his fault, and he'll be the first to tell everybody that. He'll never do it again, but he always does.

After the incident, he's just like he was when you were first dating: sweet, attentive, gift giving, and worships the ground you walk on. This is called the honeymoon phase. It may even involve a few trips to a counselor.

The honeymoon phase lasts just long enough to suck you back in. Then there's a period of relative calm, but he complains about everything, but especially about your friends and family. You just can't do anything right and you avoid your friends and family to avoid the criticism.

Then the trigger arises and all hell breaks loose. Then it all starts again.

The honeymoon phase is so good that a lot of people get addicted to it. They don't leave because they think this time he really means it and everything will be champagne and roses from now on.

It never is. The only thing you can count on with this guy is that he will start to batter you and it will get worse and worse.

GET OUT AND STAY OUT NOW! Do NOT go back!

[Triana]

32. EXACTLY what Warpy said...

....and also check out:

http://www.drirene.com/catbox

This is a messageboard specifically for people in your situation where you can get some education and support - and LEARN from others.

ALSO check out Dr. Irene's site in regards to abuse. (http://www.drirene.com/victimpages.htm)

It is virtually 99.9%+ guaranteed that your mate will do this again - and worse. I know it's hard to face or believe but this type of thing doesn't just stop. It just doesn't.

PM me if you want more resources. I have a TON of them. There's no reason to put up with living in terror.

[Donald Ian Rankin]

33. I'm fairly sure that's not true.

That "virtually 99.9%" of those who make a single threat of violence against their partners go on to become batterers is clearly a made-up statistic.

Talking so confidently, about such an important subject, with so little information, is something I would *strongly* recommend refraining from doing. Leave it to people who know what they're talking about to advise her.

[noamnety]

34. That first comment an abuser makes reveals a mindset

The filter that normally hides that thought might be dropped because of alcohol, or in a moment of anger when self-control is dropped. The underlying thought process itself doesn't magically disappear, though, when they sober up. It's just a matter of time before defenses are dropped again.

What's revealed is the idea that the abuser is fantasizing about what it would feel like to smash their partner's face in, that a partner deserves to be hit, that controlling the partner through violence is in some way appealing. It's something inside them that connects terrorism and relationships, and a feeling of entitlement that the partner should be subordinate to them.

[iverglas]

35. well, Mr. Rankin

Have *you* ever threatened to smash in the face of an intimate partner of yours?

I'd have to agree: more than 0.1% of men who do that probably don't batter their partners. More of them probably manage to exercise control over their partners by the threat of physical harm, without ever progressing to assault.

We may be missing the point that it's that control, and the fear that women in this situation live their lives in, and all of the living they lose as a result -- not just the injuries from physical abuse -- that constitutes a harm.

on edit:

Oops. You said:

That "virtually 99.9%" of those who make a single threat of violence against their partners go on to become batterers is clearly a made-up statistic.

... and yet, the poster you were replying to said:

It is virtually 99.9%+ guaranteed that your mate will do this again - and worse

Uh oh. Straw. "And worse" covers many things in the spectrum of abuse. Controlling a woman's comings and goings (out of that concern for her well-being, of course) is one such thing.

[Name removed]

36. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[militaryspouse]

37. ...

I only know of two instances where the man only hit once. One of my friend was married 10yrs and he hit her(can't remember over what) He never did it before or after. The other was married for 7yrs and he hit her like their 3rd yr into their marriage,he never did it again. They ended up divorcing b/c both were cheating. I think most hit more than once, or like someone else said, become controlling in other ways.