So I went to counseling with my S/O...

[SacredCow]

He started seeing her back in November, after I had moved out and told him it was over (for about a month or so, at least- then I moved back into his house). She supposedly made him take some long, hard looks at his behavior which he didn't find too pleasant. Then came the HIV business which brought all of the anger I was feeling right back, and sent him into a tailspin that just hurt me to watch (and continues to kill me inside). It's been fairly hard lately- more often than not, I can't sleep, I can't focus on my work, and I am just turning into a bitter old queen. So I figured that I had nothing to lose by going, and it was on HIS dime!

So, of course, she asks me how his HIV diagnosis was affecting things in my life. Honestly, I'm not too bothered by that. Had someone told me 5 years ago I'd be in this boat, I'd have laughed at them, but it just isn't something that (in and of itself) would send me packing anymore. Had we not had the infidelity issues, and he found out he was positive from something in the past, it would have been ok. TRUST is my obstacle right now. So my assignment is to come up with ways he can earn back my trust. Either things that he can do, OR things that he can STOP doing. How am I supposed to answer that??? I mean, am I supposed to suggest that he wear a chastity belt or something? TIME is the only thing that's going to help. That is, time where I don't hear through the local gay telegraph that he's been running around when I'm away.

At times, it's occurred to me that I could give him a taste of his own medicine- hook up with someone who I KNOW would tell him. Of course, then I'd have to look at myself in the mirror the next day, so that's RIGHT out. I know my limitations and I don't like the thought of being childish about it.

Oh well... I just needed to vent somewhere, and since very few friends have been told the situation thus far... This is my only outlet. Thanks to any who read this far! :hug:

[againes654]

1. Relationships are so hard

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. Keep your head up!!!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SacredCow]

14. Thank you for the hugs...

and the thoughts!

[zingaro]

2. Counseling sometimes really pisses me off.

My dh cheated on me a year ago. He's a self-absorbed man who had little use for counseling and we got nowhere, but this very question did come up in one of our precious few sessions.

Here's the thing - you're asking for something you need to feel reassured. If that means he has to sit down and write out reasons he loves you or something like that, then so be it. The challenge for you is to find something that HE can do for YOU, right?

Trust me that the hooking up won't work and will make you feel worse, but you aleady know that. If you want a btdt place to vent, feel free to PM me. I'm still trying to deal with the fallout and it's just not easy, even as time passes.

:hug: to you.

[Fridays Child]

3. What does dh stand for?

Dumb husband?

[zingaro]

5. A completely fair assessment.

damnable. demon-of-a. dumbass. dipshit.

Any or all of the above. :)

[SacredCow]

16. It's an old story, I know...

Certainly nothing unique about it. Thanks for your thoughts!

I truly can't say my s/o is self-absorbed or anything similar. Other than his propensity to run around, I have absolutely no complaints.

[kwenu]

4. Seems an odd topic for a political forum

Seems an odd topic for a political forum but since it's here I'll give my .02.

There is no way he can completely earn your trust. If he can, then there is something wrong with you. You will not be able to change his behavior. Only he can do that. You have to decide whether you will accept being in a relationship with someone you care about who will NOT be faithful to you sexually or whether you will end the relationship once and for all and find someone else who cares for you enough to be faithful.

It's painful, but the truth is since you moved back in with him you're probably not prepared to leave and there will be more of the same after the therapy efforts conclude. BTW, make sure you don't pay for the "therapy", it sounds silly.

[mitchtv]

7. for many, like me

GLBT forum is also our lounge forum

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. the glbt forum is not just for the political stuff. its for all glbt related things

including personal questions/concerns

[TechBear_Seattle]

15. Yup. For many of us, there aren't many other options

Those of us who live in a fairly large and/or fairly progressive city have options; most do not. The GLBT forum helps fill the gap.

Now, if you want to get political about how the Democratic Party helps to further the lack of options.... :dilemma: No, I won't highjack this thread.

SC, vent all you want; better than than to let the steam build up. I've seen what happens when a pressure cooker with a faulty valve explodes, it ain't pretty. :hug:

[SacredCow]

21. Thanks, TechBear...

I hopefully will soon be able to talk with local friends, once he tells a few of our close friends. That will be a BIG improvement!

[kwenu]

22. Sorry. I'm sorta new on DU...

I've been registered here for a few months but I am participating more in the interesting discussions because I'm feeling the political fever. All of the discussions including this one are interesting so I hope I can be of some help.

[SacredCow]

17. I never wanted to change him...

And I told him so from the beginning... All I ever requested was honesty.

And no- the therapy is totally on his dime. That was the agreement.

[kwenu]

23. That's really fair...

Sounds like you have been really straightforward and fair in your relationship then and your eyes are wide open. I hope things work out for the best for you.

[peace13]

6. So sorry that you have to go through this.

Venting is a good thinG. Especially when it doesn't' cost anything! I banged my brains out dealing with my mother and her psychologist. In the end I would trust my own instincts. There is something to be said for that. I hope things settle down for you. Peace, Kim

[SacredCow]

18. Thank you... I'm sure I'll continue to vent as needed! n/t

[Ayesha]

8. As a therapist...

I'm going to be very straightforward and just say what I think. Life is too short to stay with someone who treats you the way he does. He lied to you. He cheated. He gave you HIV. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. a therapist isnt supposed to cast judgement. they are merely there as a catalyst

to help the client get what they need. not what YOU think they need.

thats what friends and random strangers on the internet are for.

[SacredCow]

19. I've certainly heard that advice a lot....

But to clarify, HE tested positive but I did not. I'm probably not out of the woods yet, so to speak, but knowing what I know, I am probably not positive.

[Tresalisa]

9. Thank you for the update!

Sending good thoughts and hugs to you. :hug: You have many on this board who care about you!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. i hope you much success with your therapy and happiness with your life

:hug: sorry its been so hard

[SacredCow]

20. Thanks, Pri....

One of the PM's you sent me was a short, sweet bit of encouragement that summed everything up perfectly! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom! :hug:

[bigscott]

13. Hey SC

Sorry to hear what you are going through - been there done that!

Cheating is not the answer for you - it wont make you feel any better and it takes you down to his level. When I found out from my friends that my ex was cheating on me i just left. there was nothing he could do or say that would have allowed him to earn that trust back. once a dog always a dog.

I hope this works out for you

peace