Straight queerspawn: Allies?

[pnwmom]

This might be of interest to parents. The message: your kids suffer from homophobia, too - and need your support with that -- even if they are straight.

From Abigail Gardners blog:

http://damnstraight.oversampled.net/page/2/

"I was recently asked to speak on a panel of “allies” to the LGBT community. The panel’s focus was about how straight people could support LGBT families, by hearing first-hand from heterosexual allies.

I declined. Actually, I explained why I thought I was leaning toward declining, with a suggestion for how I might still participate. Here’s what I wrote:

While an important topic, I can hardly stomach being called an ally. Like most kids of queers, I find that being grouped with allies to the very community we grew up in is patronizing and insulting. It’s not that allies aren’t important; heaven knows we need them, but this myth that straight kids of queers are “allies” is a myth that allows queer communities to minimize the impact of homophobia on our lives, and to dismiss the need for them to be accountable to serve our specific needs.

If you want me to participate, the perspective I will bring is what makes someone an ally AND how I don’t consider myself one. That could be useful to the audience since presumably they will be hearing a perspective on the topic they probably didn’t anticipate — thus effectively educating and shattering presumptions, but it might throw your focus off too much."

SNIP

[Meldread]

1. Wow. Thanks for posting this.

You've really helped me see things from a different prospective. I've never seriously given deep thought to what it would be like being the child of gay parents, aside from the obvious. In many ways, I suppose, I just assumed (naively) that it would be, aside from a handful of things, be completely similar to having straight parents.

Seeing things from this prospective is... helpful and enlightening at the same time. Thank you.

[pnwmom]

2. You're welcome.

What I think a lot of gay parents don't realize is that their children, even their straight children, feel the same homophobia that they do. And, of course, it's the parent's job to support the kids through this. In a lot of ways, being the child of gay parents is much like being gay . . . even if you're straight.

Did you see Abigail Garner's other site, www.familieslikemine.com ? One of her missions is educating parents, and I think she's doing a great job.

[Meldread]

3. Thanks.

Yeah, it's really a "duh" moment when you seriously think about it. It's just that, in the normal course of events, I (and I'm going to assume most other potential gay parents) think about things abstractly. For example, I've considered the teasing and more practical elements of not being able to marry my partner and how that would effect the family. However, it's the day to day, moment to moment experiences... I'm not sure how to explain it. I don't have children yet, so it's not something I've spent a long time pondering on. I'm just not sure how to explain it, but I understand. Part of me has always wanted to shield my children from these type of... experiences. In fact I've often given thought to adopting gay children just so I wouldn't have to subject possibly straight children to the prejudice and hate. (Not to mention adopting a gay child will provide him or her with the environment where they can feel free and safe.)

It's given me a lot to consider.

[pnwmom]

4. You know what, Meldread? I think you'll do just fine.

Because you're obviously willing and able to be empathic. And as your kids got older, you could let them know that you're aware that things might be difficult for them sometimes, and they can always come to you. (I think it's good to not assume that kids will -- because many of them want to protect their parents from pain.)

Another thing -- this probably will seem obvious (to you!) -- is you even have to be careful about your friends. It isn't good for kids of either gender to hear their mother's friends (or their father's) making ill-considered negative comments about the opposite sex. No child should ever have to feel like an outsider because of his or her gender. (Or to grow up with negative feelings about the opposite sex.)

But, as I said, I think the fact you're thinking about all this ahead of time means that you'll be a great mother. With just the proviso that I hope you are already out or that you could be living in a place where you could be out by the time you had any kids. Because the biggest damage by far comes with secrecy. . . when kids have to live in shame and fear.