Can someone help me with some ideas for my son to stop bullying? (m)

[Debbi801]

My son is a 7th grader in middle school. He came out to me and my husband (his step father) a few months ago. To us it is just who he is the same as him having blue eyes--I just don't understand why a parent would suddenly turn on a child because of whether or not he or she is homosexual. We talked about the importance of safe sex, online predators, acceptance, etc.

He started coming out to some friends at school and is now getting bullied big time. Threatened with getting beaten up, teased, you name it. It doesn't help that the assistant principal responsible for his grade is homophobic. She called me around valentine's Day to report that my son was kissing *gasp* a boy in school and she thought I'd want to know and that she knew how upset I'd be to hear. She was very taken aback when I told her he had already told me about it the night before and that I wasn't upset at all. My son did go to the guidance counselor today after spending part of the cry crying because of the teasing. She handled things with today's bully. But, now he's being called a snitch on top of everything else.

I wish I could protect him and make all of this go away. I also know that is totally unrealistic and that probably most of my advice (coming from an overprotective mom) would probably be the wrong thing to say. So, I'm hoping someone here can help with some suggestions that I can give him.

Thanks!
Debbi

[WinkyDink]

1. I think this is a helpful book; "Dr. Phil" gave it out to his audience,

when he did a show on bullying: Clay Aiken's "Learning to Sing". It's out in paperback now.

[goddess40]

82. The best book on bullying I've ever read is by Barbara Coloroso

The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/006001430X/sr=8-5/qid=1155783004/ref=sr_1_5/104-3249483-0299966?ie=UTF8


I bought several copies and gave it to the administrator and some of the teachers at my son's school.

My son's get picked on because they have Nonverbal Learning Disorder one of the main problems is they can't read body language so they are easy marks. I spend A LOT of time at school advocating for them. Right now I'm trying to get on the school board (there's an opening to which they will appoint someone)so I can try and get an anti-bullying program going. Dr. Phil has a great program http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/115
please check it out and copy the hand outs and get them to your school board, teachers and administrators.

Also - don't hesitate to call the police. The schools here try to cover up everything so they don't have to admit there is any problem. If you stay proactive they will have to pay attention. Don't let the schools bully you.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

2. when i was in HS

I took up weight lifting. I know your son is a bit younger then that, so maybe karate or a martial art? If he feels like he can defend himself and have some power, it makes ignoring that much bullies easier. And if they actually start with him, its good to know he can at least defend himself. I know working out helped me to be more confident in myself

that sucks for your son though. I will be thinking and sending good vibes and thoughts your way :hug:

[Mythsaje]

7. The martial arts are a good idea...

That's one of the things that gave me the strength to withstand it myself.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

12. .

:hi:

ToT but, ive really enjoyed your "hey republican" posts. so much so that you are going on my blogroll :D

[Mythsaje]

20. Wow!

Thanks for the lift. Sometimes it's the little recognitions that mean the most.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

24. .

:yourock:

and glad I could be of service ;)

[Lost-in-FL]

14. It would be a great idea for protection and also...

a good way for channeling anger that would only cause him to drop his grades.

[Mythsaje]

22. Yep...

It's important to choose the RIGHT art, in my opinion...I'm not a big fan of the competitive ones. To me it's always been about finding your center and balancing who you are with who you want to become...competing against yourself and your worst nature to improve upon yourself.

:)

[Debbi801]

44. I know nothing about martial arts, what type should I look into? (nt)

[Mythsaje]

54. Personally I'd recommend a strong grounding

in Aikido, Judo, or Jujitsu to start. The first two are primarily "soft" styles which emphasize defense, movement, and using the opponent's strength and weight against him. Jujitsu also has some of this, but also incorporates some "hard" style tactics such as kicking and punching.

If you wanted to go more for something mainstream, I'd recommend Kenpo Karate, which is probably the best of the karates, in my opinion. It's where I started out when I was about six. It's not quite as competitive as Tae-Kwon-Do, but there is an element of it there.

I'd thoroughly vet the instructor and get a feel for his/her philosophy (if you could find a female instructor, that might even be better). There are quite a few hard-line types out there you'd want to avoid, for your son's well-being if for no other reason. That's another reason I'd recommend Aikido, in that Aikido emphasizes a very non-aggressive philosophy, and teaches awareness of self as part of the basic discipline.

Hope this helps.

:)

[mzteris]

62. kung fu is a good one, too

Especially if it is taught by someone who actually studied Shaolin kung fu. It's more of a "defensive" art, too.

The places to STAY AWAY FROM are any martial arts schools where they're all "SIR, YES SIR!" types. Bleh. The rah rah (pseudo) macho ones. Those "popular" places are usually a tip-off as to where NOT to go. If they talk about how they're going to TEACH YOUR KID DISCIPLINE (and you can hear the all caps in their voice - it's probably not the place for your son.)

DON"T go anyplace that "promises a blackbelt" in six weeks (or any time frame less than several years, really. Heck they shouldn't "promise one" period.)

Go observe classes of different schools. Go more than once. DON"T take your kid until you find some *you* like (and like their contracts/prices, etc.) then let him pick from those. How does the teacher treat the kids? With respect? Are the kids respectful to each other? Is it more about personal accomplishments, or who can whup up on the others?

Talk to the other parents. How long have they been there? If you can't find anyone who's been there more than a year or so, run. Ask what they like about it. Ask what they DON"T like about it. (No place is perfect.) What type of people/kids go there? The jocks? Or other kids who might be *different* (and there are lots of reasons that might make a kid *different*).

I say this because I was looking around my sons' m/a school the other day and noticed that nearly ALL the kids there are bit *different* (especially mine :) ). Most are of above-average intelligence. Most are not the most "athletic" kid on the block - and some are decidedly coordinationally-challenged! Going to a m/a school that is out of the mainstream (e.g. not "tae kwon do") will usually attract those looking for something different. (That's not to say than any particular tae kwon do or other karate school might not be a good fit, but generally speaking - most I've seen in recent years are bandwagon/puppymill type places, if you know what I mean.)

Good luck.

BTW - I think your son is EXTREMELY LUCKY to have such loving and accepting parents. Not all kids are that lucky. If there's a PFLAG group in your area, you might want to look into it as they may be able to help you guys meet other families like yours - and your son to meet other kids like himself. Is there a GSA or a Lambda group in your area?

One other thing for you guys to think about, if the school situation becomes completely intolerable, homeschooling IS a wonderful option to consider. Many kids who are *different* - for whatever reason - find much greater acceptance in the hs'ing communities.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

77. Here's my martial arts opinion...

I think it's good to know ground fighting, so aikido, judo, sambo or jujitsu would be good. Also, aikido teaches you how to use your opponents strength against themselves. Krav Maga is also a pure self-defense martial art.

That being said, I have my black belt in isshinryu karate, but I'm not a fan of many of the isshinryu schools. If there's one around you, ask if they're affiliated with A.J. Advincula. If so, that's good. It's going to be a traditional, self-defense based school. I also feel that Goju-ryu and Shotokan are very practical strong styles.

And I believe in running quickly away from the vast majority of Tae Kwon Do schools. They tend to be expensive black belt factories and it's impractical for self-defense. If you can find a good practical kung fu school, then that's great, but many of them tend to be too flashy for self-defense.

If the school has belt rankings, then ask how long it generally takes to attain a black belt. It should take a long time. In my dojo, it takes seven years on average and you can't recieve a full black belt until the age of 17. We spend three years minimum just as a brown belt. Too many schools out there promote the hell out of the kids and you wind up with overconfident, underskilled black belts.

[Dragonbreathp9d]

79. Aikido is the way to go in this case

If the bullying gets too much, and God-forbid he be physically attacked, he could throw someone down into a lock and then he wouldnt be messed with again.

[MuseRider]

3. He is very lucky to have you

and your support. Many kids do not so that is a good start. I wish I could help you but I don't know enough. You will get a lot of support here from those who do. I just want to send a :hug: to your son and to you and your husband.

Like you I don't understand why this would make a parent turn on a child but they do. I have two sons, both in college, neither date much if at all. If one or both were gay it would not change a thing for us.

One more :hug:. Look in your state and city for supportive groups. I am surprised that your school system does not have one, maybe I shouldn't be. :shrug:

Hang in there. I will be happy to follow along so I can learn along with you.

[rateyes]

4. I wish I had advice that would help...

It's too bad people can't "live and let live." I'm sorry you are going through this. As a straight male with a gay brother who didn't "come out" until after his divorce from his wife...I have sympathy for what you must be going through, just knowing what kind of hell he had to put up with from our family. Just keep LOVING your son and follow your instincts to protect him is about all I can say.

Peace. You sound like a wonderful parent.

[Mythsaje]

5. It's probably no help at all,

but bullies don't discriminate real well. They'll bully anyone who's different. My junior high years mostly sucked big time. I was an odd duck (still am, for that matter--the only difference is now I don't really care how odd people think I am) and it made me a pretty likely target.

There were fewer protections of any kind back then, and I'm sure that whatever protections that exist nowadays are pretty meaningless in light of his particular issue considering the general climate.

Bullies are pathetic cowards who target the most vulnerable because they can't stand up to those they believe are bullying THEM. (Often a parent or other authority figure).

I'm hoping that some of the posters in this particular forum can give some real useful advice, because my only advice is to either bear with it, or try to find a way to defuse it. Not real helpful, I realize, but those was the only things I ended up taking away from my own experiences with bullying.

[Vincardog]

6. Sign him up for Karate class.When he is strong enough to stand up to the

bully he will be strong enough to walk away from him. Remember then most virulent homophobic are self loathing closet dwellers.

[endarkenment]

13. However Karate schools can be massively homophobic. nt.

[Vincardog]

16. You pick your master that being said. The way I deal with bullies is

I beat the hell out of them.
Only after doing everything in my power to avoid conflict that is.

[Lost-in-FL]

19. IMO Karate instructors aren't like Football coaches...

They seem more mature and some even teach older people, etc. I don't see the problem. Besides, he is going to have to get used to deal with homophobics (unfortunately).

[Mythsaje]

27. Shop around...

Avoid the more competitive arts. A true instructor who's balanced isn't likely to be homophobic, where one who's overly concerned with projecting his energy (the ones that often tend toward the more competitive arenas) often can be. It's about security in oneself, I think.

[endarkenment]

37. That was my point.

You need to find a school that is inclusive rather than the architypal karate dojo from hell as depicted in 'the karate kid'. Both kinds exist, the good kind are rarer than hen's teeth.

[satireV]

8. Bullies are actually cowards...

And prey on the weak, or those who they think are weak.

Thus the person being preyed on should either make sure they aren't perceived as being weak, or make sure they are not in reality weak.

The former requires trickery, acting, and deception, if the prey is not really strong. One could conspire with others who are on his side and spread stories how the prey has beaten people up and such.

The latter requires the prey to fight back and CRUSH the coward who picks on them. The message has to be sent to all others and CRUSHING the bully/coward gets the message across.

Neither one is a nice choice. However, letting the bullying continue is worse.

[Atman]

9. Do parents of straight kids get phone calls?

"I thought you'd want to know...your son was kissing a girl!"

Jesus. Neanderthals are everywhere.

I wish I could offer you some advice. But Middle School is an entirely different universe which plays by its own rules. Right of passage type stuff. Unfortunately for your son, his passage is going to be made that much tougher because of the same ol same ol middle school crap.

Just let him know he has your support and love and hope for the best. Maybe have your husband pick him up at school, sternly leaning on the car with his arms crossed, looking like he's ready to kick some teenaged ass (not you, sorry...the last thing he needs in this situation is MOM coming to his defense!).

Good luck. Tough situation! Middle school is the equivilent of Teenaged Hell unless you're one of the chosen clique.

[pnwmom]

58. I agree -- middle school is teenage hell.

Frankly, I don't know what to do about bullies that you aren't already doing. But from my own middle school experience, your support of your son is the most important thing he needs, and he already has that.

I was the new kid in my middle school. And I'm sure I looked like a dork (I was tall so my mother bought all my clothes in the misses dept -- and I was too dumb to protest.) Anyway, I was bullied every day, excluded at lunch, called names like "S.O.S." and "Brillo." It was a miserable three years.

What I could have used more than anything was for someone to say to me: middle school is awful. High school is better. College will be great. The meanness you're encountering now has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with THEM. Just hang in there and you and the other nice kids will find each other. . . eventually.

If your son knows he has his parents' deep down support, that will get him through anything.

[Warpy]

10. He may need to change schools

because seventh grade is not the time to start coming out to friends. Kids that age are just starting to come to terms with their own sexuality, and anyone who is the least bit different is a terrible threat to them. Plus, kids that age are vicious. Any difference is jumped on, literally. For his safety, please put him into another school, teach him to be proud of who he is, but teach him to be safe.

Friends started to come out to me when I was fourteen, probably because I was the school oddball. I was safe, but some of the other kids weren't. It will take time for him to figure out which kids are tolerant and which are assholes who will try to hurt him.

If there's a chapter of PFLAG anywhere near you, use them as a resource. Check out the phone book for gay and lesbian support groups where he can learn it's them, not him.

But get him out of that school. He's not safe there even if he's a moose with a black belt. Bullies travel in packs.

[madaboutharry]

26. Changing schools is not always an option.

But, I agree and that may be the course of action I would try. Things are not going to improve over the rest of the year nor next year in 8th grade. I would also seek out a support group for him so that he can learn how to deal with his sexuality and cope in school at the same time.

[Debbi801]

42. I know that and I tried to explain that....

But he's a typical adolescent and he knew better. *sigh* for once, I wish he had been right.

I've suggested switching schools, he refuses. And I understand where he's coming from. He's in a magnet school that he worked very hard to get into, out of 900 applicants, he was one of 300 that were accepted. He doesn't want to give that up.

Thanks for your advice.

[Huskerchub]

43. No so sure I agree...

about changing schools. Yes, I realize that if this gets physical, you may want to consider moving him. But, in the long run, I think the only thing that he and others will learn, if you move him right away, is that you can run from your problems. I'm not saying that he should stay at all costs but moving should be a very last alternative.

I also agree that finding a PFLAG group near you will be a huge help, both to you and to your son. You will be able to network with parents of other gay/les/bi/trans people and get help and recommendations from them.

Also make sure that you and your son's father are in contact with both the administration at the school and with people in the school district's main office. Let them know that you will not allow your child to be bullied by students, faculty or staff. You may also want to remind them that there are cases where students were not protected from bullies and the school/district/board of education have been sued and lost. I'm not a litigious person, nor do I recommend that others be but the threat sometimes is all that's needed for some "sensitivity training" to occur.

Lastly give your son a huge hug from all of us "old timers" who wished that we would have been able to be ourselves during those awkward years. Then give yourselves a huge hug for being such wonderful parents!! :grouphug:

[pocket]

11. teach him to fight

stay away from no-contact BS martial arts classes, too. Something full contact like boxing or wrestling will do wonders.

He needs to beat one of those bastards silly, then the rest will quit.

[Sammy Pepys]

21. +1

Non-violent methods don't always work that well, especially if a bully has nothing better to do with his time. Sometimes, all it takes is one good punch to end it all.

[Debbi801]

45. But at the risk of him being suspended? (nt)

[Sammy Pepys]

64. Well, it's up to him....

...to know when it's the right time and when it's not.

If it were my kid, and he got suspended for fighting but was defending himself or after being provoked, I wouldn't worry about it so much. Schools today have to run themselves like that...it doesn't reflect on who was right or wrong anymore.

[pocket]

68. getting suspended is a small price to pay for

a lifetime of self-respect and the cessation of bullying.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

78. FWIW, my parents taught me that if I was ever hit or pushed to fight back.

I got into the martial arts at 10, but my Dad had been teaching me how to protect myself, since I was 5. We lived in a pretty rough neighborhood at the time and he felt it was important for me to know how to fight. They told me not to start fights, but that I should always defend myself and that if I got in trouble in school for it, they would back me up and I wouldn't face any punishments at home. I got in a few fights in school (before HS), but I never got in any trouble for it. If I had, they would have backed me completely, if the fight was in self-defense. Also, if the kids know he's not an easy target, then he'll probably stop getting bullied. The martial arts will both help teach him confidence and teach him how to throw a good punch if he needs to.

I came out in HS, but the only problems I faced was from my parents. Your son is lucky to have you.

[MadMaddie]

15. Debbie I applaud you and your husbands wonderful

parenting skills. You love your son and you talk to him that's one of the most important things to do for him.

I know when I came out to my parents (I was 30 at the time) and it was so hard for them to accept it. But 13 years later with the same partner they have accepted it and realize that I am happy and healthy.

So back to your question..How to stop Bullies...Bullies stop kicking sand in your face when you kick the sand back in their face....Your son will have to learn to defend himself...

My recommendation many will not agree with it but in this day of the religious hatful bullies out there...your son is going to have to learn to defend himself...yes turning the other cheek works for awhile but your son is going to get hurt eventually...

I suggest finding a martial arts organization to take your son to...make sure you are comfortable with the instructor and allow your son to learn skills that he can:
1) build self confidence that he doesn't have to be afraid to hold his head high and his chest out
2) bullies don't pick on people that are not afraid...

Good luck to your son and your family!! :pals:

[DBoon]

17. Get him in a different school

without the support of the adults in his school environment, all the martial arts in the world will not help.

Middle school kids need adult supervision. This teacher sounds like absolutely the worst. Wouldn't be surprised if she was subtly encouraging the bullying.

Adults need to be in charge, and need to set the right environment and enforce the rules.

[BR_Parkway]

18. Wow, as if you didn't have your hands full enough just having a 7th

grader.

Besides remembering this as a time when I felt compelled to test my parents reaction to anything and everything (I did not come out until much later in life, but since I pretty well knew I was gay and that there was something wrong with me, I did push them to not like me because I didn't like myself) I also remember what I always figured the reactions of the peer group would have been had my worst nightmare come true and people would have found out about me. True, things do seem better among alot of teens about accepting gay kids, but there will always be those who can't handle anyone different.

I'd suggest finding a really good counselor to help him deal with all of this - even if he seems to be doing fine accepting the gayness, he's at an age where he's liable to realize that his 'specialness' can be a tool for manipulation/sympathy in the family and also cause him to act out sexually in ways that can be physically & mentally harmful to him. Do you have a good PFLAG group near you that could suggest someone?

As for the bullying, there may be very little that Mom can do to stop it - and many things that you could do might actually make it worse. Not to advocate for violence - but even if he wasn't gay, standing up for himself is something most boys that age have to prove in some rite of passage at about that age. If he is slightly built or displays any traits that would be seen as feminine, he's going to be more of a target until he stands up to the bully. In a perfect world it wouldn't happen, but here in the real world, especially in that age/grade then it will, but probably will taper off as the kids get a little more maturity.

Sign him up for karate classes, both you and him will sleep better knowing he can take care of himself should the need arise, it gives him a good self esteem boost - plus it gives him a place to expend alot of energy that those raging hormones would otherwise put to use.

Good luck with it.

[mitchtv]

23. I like the self defense angle, but also

the school needs to be put on notice, that the law requires that they provide a safe environment for all children to learn, and that youwill holdthem legally libel for any problems

[mitchtv]

73. P.S....Rule one: DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

25. Boxing lessons!

Once a bully knows your son won't take any physical abuse, that crap stops. In fact, it might gain him some friends once they see that he won't put up with it.
Of course this just addresses the physical aspects of his situation, but face it, most people, when faced with an ass whipping or shutting their mouth, will choose to remain silent.......

[LiberalinNC]

28. Your son has shown how strong he is just by being able to come out

to you and your husband. You have done a terrific job raising him so far, keep up the good work.

My son is currently in 8th grade and if he came to me, like your son did to you, I know I would have handled it the same way as you. But the bullying has me a bit concerned. This is a very difficult age w/ such peer pressure and passing judgments on one another, it's so unfair. I agree w/ getting your son in strength (body building) training or taking a karate or some type of marshal arts program. Building self confidence could be just what he needs to feel confident enough to stand up to the other children. Check out a local YMCA, or local gym.

Good luck!

[sui generis]

29. wow - I feel for him

There are a couple of things he needs to know right now just to stay mentally safe and relatively happy.

His "straight" male friends are probably going to be a little reluctant to be known to be alone with him . . . for awhile. They'll get used to it. He still needs to have a group of friends who will stand up for him, and that means he needs to stand up for himself first. You should practice some "scenarios" with him and talk about the situations he finds most uncomfortable or threatening. It will help him to work through some situations before they happen and have a kind of mental roadmap.

He should not rely exclusivly on adults or evasion to avoid pain or discomfort; it can become a crutch and even a liability. Sometime he will need to constructively confront, with people around. It will earn him points with those of his peers who are fair minded, and they will take a stand against bullying with him as long as he's being fair himself. He needs to demand respect, not expect respect. That's a lot to ask when someone is being a bully or offensive or a prankster, but short of actual physical danger, everything else is just an inconvenience or an unpleasantness. Life is not like school and he needs to have heart and courage and dignity and practice now for later.

He needs to be the things he is looking for. If he is strong and confident in himself he will be surrounded by people who are that way too, and he may some day help somebody else who needs it too. Your son needs to know that bullies are actors. We write the play of our life, nobody else does. - so he needs to write a part for that bully rather than letting the bully write his own part in your son's life.

Physical things are critical too. Bullies pick on gays not because they really care about sex. They pick on gays because gays are perceived as weak, and "the tribe" has this thing about chasing off weak members. Your son has to be strong. He should participate in sports because it will give him physical self-confidence and because it will get him good dates later on!

His siblings (if any) need to stand up for him too without reservation. My sibs and I were a wolf pack. Nobody fucked with us, although a few tried.

PM me if you have specific questions - but your kid will be okay. He has to be what he's looking for - that will never change, and it will give him great strength for life if he starts now. As an exercise, get him to start thinking about those things and figure out what priority he puts on various elements; he'll figure it out too.

[Lost-in-FL]

31. I wish I could recommend responses!!

That's great advice!! :toast:

[Debbi801]

46. Thank you for your advice....

I will go through some of this with him. It seems like really good info.

He already plays sports, so that part is taken care of. :-)

[cdsilv]

30. 7th grade is a bit young for athletics...

...but one of the toughest people I ever knew was a gay wrestler - kind of freaked out
the rest of the team, but winning consistently eventually overrode the homophobia. Of course, he probably took up wrestling to be able to 'whup' the bullies.

Although, I would not want my 7th grader to be kissing anyone at school. Inappropriate, wrong place, wrong time. (I have two daughters).

[Debbi801]

47. No, I explained that PDA had no place in the school cafeteria and....

it didn't matter who or what he was kissing, it wasn't the time or place.

[Mythsaje]

56. Probably good advice in and of itself...n/t

[Ian David]

32. Middle School is hell. High School is usually much better

While I agree that learning self-defense is probably a good idea, I have to say that running to a new school probably is not, except under the worst of circumstances.

You know what I would love to see someday?

A situation where a kid in the marching-band is being bullied by someone on the football team, and then the entire band stages a sit-in on the field in the middle of "The Big Game" until the coach agrees to cut the bully from the team.

That ranks right up there with a public school fighting for the right to have a prayer during commencement, only to have the Valedictorian surprise them with a Satanic invocation.

In any case, a good thing for your son would be to develop a trusted network of friends and teachers he knows he can count on.

I had one... one bullying incident in High School, and a great teacher nipped it in the bud early and that was that. It also didn't hurt that I happened to have videotaped the entire incident, including the part where he said, "Do you know who my father is? Do you know who my father is? Hey... are you taping this?"

While High School went with very little incident for me, I am ashamed to say that during middle school I actually dished-out my own share of bullying, as well as taking quite a bit of it myself. I was sort of a "shit-runs-downhill" bully in seventh grade, and made a couple people miserable, for very little reason except out of frustration and a cowardly desire to keep my own tormentors at bay.

[MsUnderstood]

33. Bullying is the worst

My daughter is actually changing schools becuase of bullying she receives. As parents we've mixed fixing the bullies and fixing the bullied (my daughter). Here are things I've done:

1) It sounds mean, but I've told my daughter not to stand out so much. For example, she and her friends purposely wear odd clothing which puts a "Strange Person" bullseye right on them. My daughter tends to slouch and pick at her hair--not great for the female bullies at school they are like carrions picking your flesh apart. My daughter likes to debate about adult stuff (ie politics) and gets herself into arguements that end up with name calling from the bullies when she starts with her strong vocabulary. Sad to say, but your son needs to blend with the crowd more. I'm not talking about closeting himself, but as a gay person he needs to learn appropriate moments to show affection--the dangers are very real. My daughter has to be extremely careful talking about her "two mommies" becuase of the teasing she can receive because of that situation. It isn't about being ashamed it is about choosing who you can trust.

2) Figure out specifics on WHEN and where your son is being bullied to make sure your son isn't doing things to trigger the bullying and also see if you can get him out of that situation. If it is in a particular class move him. Think about switching to another school because of the bullying. A fresh start could do wonders. My daughter had bullies in her PE class at the beginning of the year. I moved her and the bullying from that group stopped.

3) If it is severe, then stay in constant touch with the school. Make a teacher/administrator at the school your friend and keep them updated about events that have happened to your son. When the bullies see they are getting in too much trouble for harassing your son they'll find an easier target.

4) Enroll your son in Karate (I totally agree) and some other activities where he can make friends outside of school. Sad to say but my daughter's bullies picked on her by association (she hung out with a kid who liked to encite the bullies. That friend moved schools and the bullying lessened considerably).

5) Finally, if you haven't done it yet find a really good therapist (by good I mean one accepting of the homosexual lifestyle) and do some family therapy and let your son do one on one therapy. Our family went through it and helped the parents see some things about our daughter that we weren't in tune with. Also being a gay teenager is so hard that therapy to help teach your son how to deal with emotions is crucial.

Before anyone flames me for blaming the victim, I totally know bullies are the problem not the bullied but in the same mind set you don't blame the rape victim but you can tell woman how not to get raped.

[JuniperLea]

34. My cousin used to tell the kids

That if they were secure in their own sexuality, they wouldn't be so upset about his. "Real" heterosexuals don't give a rat's ass if a guy is gay or not because it has nothing to do with them personally.

I don't know if that would help, but my cuz said it helped him. He used to say in a very tender and caring way, "Dude. You should really get in touch with your own sexuality so these kinds of things won't bother you anymore."

[msongs]

35. kissing in middle school??? sheesh tell him to stop that!

doesn't matter gay or straight kissing at school is an invitation to abuse by teenagers.

maybe he could do this somewhere else?

Msongs
www.msongs.com/democratsmugs.htm

[Debbi801]

48. LOL. I nipped that immediately. No PDA at school is acceptable.....

I told him the school cafeteria is not an acceptable place to kiss someone, regardless of whether he kissed a boy, girl, or martian.

[xchrom]

36. i don't know what state you're in -- but you need pflag.

and quick.

you also need a conference with the schoold vice-principle and principle and his teacher.

tell them all in no uncertain terms that your son has your full support -- you're aware of his being gay -- and if you don't seem some action on the part of the school to stop bullying{why should the kids be allowed to bully anyone?} there will be some problems -- maybe legal.

try to find other parents in the school -- who although they may not have gay kids -- are of like mind with you re: bullying.

the martial arts advise -- is ok i guess -- but it won't ever stop if there aren't some gudelines that the kids have to follow.
btw -- i was a state and national chapion in martial arts -- but people who didn't like me -- didn't like me and were always, always looking for any opportunity to press an advantage. it can be relentless.

your child is probably feeling isolated from his peers right now -- and that's not good.
that's why you need pflag -- there will be parents with recent and timely advise about where to go and what to do both for yourself and your son.
they may have legal advise for you as well.

good luck -- please, please keep us updated.

[cboy4]

41. Debbi, listen to xchrom -- it is excellent advice...

PFLAG.....this is the kind of issue as to why this outstanding support group exists.

Don't waste another minute and good luck ;)

[Debbi801]

49. Thanks. I will look into located a local chapter immediately....

We're in a big metro area, so I'm sure there is one.

His real friends have been very supportive, so at least he has support from his close group.

Thanks again.

[Nay]

My son was bullied in 6th grade -- this is what we did.

First, I asked him what he wanted me to do -- talk to the teacher and principal? Talk to the bully's parents? Meet him at the bus stop and walk him home? He decided that the first two options should be tried. The school was useless; you could tell they didn't want to even hear it. I talked to the bully's parents -- they tried to bully ME over the phone, which lit my hair on fire. I told them if my son came home with ANY injuries at all, my lawyer was going to be talking to their lawyer THAT AFTERNOON, after a police report was filed. For a week, the bully's mom met her son at the bus stop, but after that. . .nothing.

The third option was rejected, because my son rightly believed it would lead to more bullying ("your MOM walks you home!" etc.). So, I told him that he could run away/ignore it, but he felt uncomfortable with living like that -- I agreed with him.

The last option, beating up the bully decisively, was what we decided he had to do. I told him to try to avoid hitting the bully in the face so as to avoid irreparable injuries. I told him that right at the first move the bully made toward him, he was to punch the bully right in the stomach, chest, groin, wherever he could get a good punch in, and to turn and do the punches with no waiting and no warning, and to keep punching until the bully was down and/or quit. We practiced making the fist and hitting a sparring bag so he could practice hitting hard. A few days later, I heard a great commotion at the bus stop (I could hear but not see it). My son came home roughed up but not injured, and told me he had done exactly what we practiced and he had left the bully on the ground. He had no problems after that.

If I were you, I would enroll your son in either a boxing class or a krav maga (Israeli self defense) class. Both are very practical and quick ways to learn how to defend yourself -- I never found karate classes very good for self defense unless you got way into it for a long time. Boxing and krav maga have immediate returns.

Good luck to your nice boy, and give him a hug for me!

[Debbi801]

50. A Krav Maga center just opened up here...

I was thinking about it for me. I'll see if they offer classes for teens, too.

He is very clear that he doesn't want me talking to the principal or vice principal, that I would make things worse.

[Mythsaje]

55. I don't know a lot about that particular art

but I did look into it on my ex's behalf for our oldest son some time back. Assuming the instructor(s) are fairly progressive in outlook, I'd definitely second that recommendation.

[Lost-in-FL]

67. Krav Maga means "Contact Combat"

and is a form of martial arts used by the Israeli Special Forces

[pocket]

69. I took krav maga for a few years

6 months in KM did me more good than the 3 years I spent studying Kenpo. KM is good stuff.

[Nay]

38. Dupe. sorry

[dsc]

39. First, let me congradulate both you and him

him for being so brave and you for being such a great parent. I wish I could give you a fix it but I can't. I highly recommend meeting with the administration and his teachers at least it will give you some idea of how homophobic those people are. At best it will put them on notice that they can't just let bad stuff happen to him. If it is at all possible you should pick up and drop off your child at school every day. The worst bullying takes place on busses and on the way to and from school. Keeping him out of that situation should help immensely.

I do have a bit of a problem with one item of advice you were given. You need to be sure that your school doesn't have an automatic suspension policy for fighting back. If it does then if he fights back he could end up suspended.

The last piece of advice that I will give you is to watch him closely for any changes in behavior. He is likely in for a very tough time. I know things have gotten better since I was in middle school but we are talking about middle schoolers and they can be down right cruel. I was widely thought to be gay (accurately) in middle school and I was constantly humiliated throughout those years. The combination of his bravery and your terrific parenting should make things better for him than it was for me. Just watch him. If he starts acting withdrawn, or his grades drop then you need to intervene.

[Debbi801]

51. Thanks, the suspension was my concern because fighting would be cause....

for an immediate suspension.

His teachers are great, it is just the vice principal who isn't. He's gotten a lot of support from teachers and his guidance counselor.

I'll watch him. He's a great kid, I want to keep him that way. :-)

[dsc]

52. He needs his education first and foremost

I am glad his teachers are great. They should be a good first line of defense.

[bluestateguy]

40. Take what I say cautiously

But is your son ready to defend himself with his fists if he is attacked?

Of course, he should be taught to always seek to avoid fighting and school authorities should be pressured to discipline the bullies, but sometimes that is not enough. Fighting should always be for self-defense and as a last resort.

If a bunch of boys want to prove their machismo by taking a swing at your son, it might be helpful if he knew a thing or tow about self defense (maybe a martial arts class? or a little weight training program). Just the fact that he knows how to defend himself would be a great confidence builder.

[meegbear]

61. I agree ...

I was fat and gay growing up, but I didn't come out, being the fat kid gave me enough grief.

One day I stood up for myself and didn't look back. It'll be hard for him, but as long as he knows he has family and friends to support him, he'll make it.

[Debbi801]

53. Thank you all.....

You all are great. I appreciate the advice you've given and I've shared it with my son. I think it made him feel not so alone right now in dealing with all of this.

A couple clarifications...

He would be suspended for fighting, even if he didn't start it.

He's at a magnet middle school that had a very challenging application process. Out of 900 applicants for his class, he was one of 300 that got accepted. He doesn't want to give that up by switching schools and I understand that.

His teachers as a whole are very supportive, so has his guidance counselor. It is only the VP that is homophobic.

We've discussed the acceptable times and places for PDAs. He won't be kissing someone in the cafeteria again.

He's been asking for martial arts classes, so that is something we'll look into. Same with PFlag. My mom suggested that, too.

Luckily, his close group of friends are being very supportive. He's lost a couple of friends, but has actually gained the support of others.

Thanks again for all your kind words. I don't feel like a wonderful mom right now. I feel more helpless than anything. I love my son, he's an awesome kid. :-)

Thanks again.
:hug:

[Mythsaje]

57. PFLAG IS a great suggestion...

And the martial arts classes are good for self-confidence and awareness of self as well as for fighting. I strongly recommend them for just about everyone. In fact, believe it or not, the USMC began a program a few years back promoting outside martial arts training for their marines because it was determined that such training made them less likely to get involved in brawls.

Good luck, and let your son know that there are a lot of people who're pulling for him out here.

[Meldread]

59. But you ARE a wondeful mother.

You shouldn't doubt it for one single moment. I'm sure at least half of us here in the LGBT Forums would be fighting each other to have a mom like you. Truly, you are head and shoulders above your competition.

Life is hard as a teenager, and it's even harder as a gay teenager. I agree with him about switching schools. That's just a bad idea unless he is getting beat up on a regular basis. I'd honestly contact the ACLU to see if they can do anything about the Vice Principle.

In the meantime here is what I would suggest doing:

1. Keep in regular contact with all of his teachers and his guidance councilor. This is just something a good parent should do anyway, but it is doubly important in times like these. If he is allowed, see if he can setup regular meetings with his guidance councilor if she is supportive of him. She might be able to help him come up with practical solutions to his problems. She might even be able to talk to the bullies directly and try and do some "adult" reasoning with them.

2. Some form of martial arts is a good idea. The ability for him to defend himself is important, but even more than that it is important for him to build confidence. This is something, especially being placed in the environment he is in, that he will struggle with. At home it would be a good idea to constantly reaffirm good things he does, and be lavish (but sincere) in your praise. Try and keep his self-confidence high, and also make sure you keep your lines of communication with him open. You don't have to tell him everything you do (especially when talking to his teachers), but you do want to know what is going on and he is the only one who can tell you.

3. You should continue to work with his Vice Principle, and if that doesn't work go even higher up the chain. Let it be known that bullying will not be allowed to continue at the school, for any students and for any reason. Threaten them with legal action if you have to, and you should certainly consult an organization like the ACLU about this... just to see what your options are. Just the threat of legal action may cause them to change their ways.

Most advise given here is good, and I think I pretty much just repeated what you've already been told.

Your husband is an important figure in his life right now. He needs a strong male role model to look up to. Having adult male affirmation is going to be a good thing to helping him build confidence now, but will also help him down the road as he himself becomes a man and in his relationships with other men. Just some simple activities that they can do together and talk will go a long way, and will help build a strong bond between them both - something they both will cherish forever.

Also, you should keep in mind that you are raising an adult. It won't be long before he is faced with the real world, and in the real world - bullies come around less often, but more often than not will be far more powerful than him. In the world he is about to enter there are laws being passed that make him a second class citizen. There are people out there who would harm him, even kill him, for who he is. He will run into bosses and co-workers that will cause him trouble. The lessons he is learning now on how to deal with such people, in such a risk free (relatively speaking) environment such as a school will be helpful down the road. As a parent it is really your job to equip him with the tools and the knowledge to do what he needs to do. That is the primary reason I advise against changing schools.

He is going through something painful and hurtful right now, and it may be difficult for him to see an end to it. As someone else said keep an eye on him and if you notice any changes in his personality become concerned immediately. Learn the warning signs of depression, and keep an eye on him for appearing overly stressed out.

Oh, I should also add that picking him up and dropping him off at school will likely help. Most of the bullying that I encountered took place on the bus and at lunch time. A small fraction of it (perhaps a forth) took place in the classroom. Unless he likes riding the bus (and I'd take that as a sign that bullying there is at a minimum) then I'd hold that open as an option.

[Uncle Zoloft]

60. You're great parents!

I agree with so much that has been stated already. As someone who was bullied from 5th grade through 12th supportive parents and group of close knit friends are a great advantage.

As for the martial arts classes you and/or your husband should take the courses with him - if you can find that sort of class. It will build stronger bonds and help all of you to work off some steam.

As for the Vice Principal; there are still parent/teacher nights at schools, no? If so you and your husband approach the VP with your son's guidance counselor and have a good old fashioned sit down ~ ask the principle to join as well. If your school has a PTA; join and get vocal.

Bullies stop when they receive push back: verbal, physical, practical joke or just a good old fashioned stare down. Teach your son not only to fight with his body but be able to pierce with his eyes; head held high ~ bullying being thrown his way ~ each taunt, name, push is transformed and given back as a cold hard stare.

PFLAG = Yes! also see if there are any GLBT youth organizations around where they have a safe space for kids to meet and talk.

If your son has a cell phone have the Principal and Guidance consoler's phone numbers programed in; so that once the taunts start he can press a button and get on the spot help and evidence. If the phone has a camera he could also take the bullies photos and incorporate them into a class project on the subject.

You say he is involved in sports; talk to his coaches and close team mates - he needs to know there are people who will have his back on this.

Tell him we all care and support him and that when he looks at himself in the mirror each morning ask him to reflect on his inner strength and smile - because he is a strong, brave and wonderful being that has two supportive and brave parents.

Last but not least get him interested in the history of Alexander the Great. We GLBT folk can always look to him as one of our greatest warriors.

[bluestateguy]

71. He has the right to defend himself

That is to say, if some little junior Freeper decides to punch him or slam him into a wall somewhere without provocation, he has the right to defend himself, regardless of what some pea-brained school administrator tells you. Would the school rather he just let himself get beat up? At that age, other kids usually don't break up fights. They stand around and watch, like it's some kind of spectator sport. I hate these policies that punish kids for being "in the fight", when often a kid is just trying to save himself from being seriously beaten up. That's bullshit, and it has to stop. If something like that happens to your son, and he were suspended, then you should contact a lawyer. That would teach your son a valuable lesson about the right to self-defense and due process of law.

That said, just enrolling your kid in some kind of self-defense or martial arts class or getting him started on an exercise program would be a great confidence booster.

[dsc]

72. I am not enamoured of those policies either but they do exist

He and his mother need to be aware of what the policy is and then make a decision. I would let my kid get the middle school suspension but once he hit high school I would be afraid to let him do so. Colleges look at those and it could keep him out of a good college.

[Jamastiene]

75. I am inclined to agree with your points.

I'd say he should fight back and fight back as hard as he possibly can, personally. Boxing would also be a great sport to get him involved in. It would help him with the inevitable angst he will feel as the teen years really start hitting and it will teach him to throw a good punch when he needs to defend himself.

He SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT to DEFEND HIMSELF; if not, then I would say he should TAKE that right and defend himself anyhow. If you receive any BS from his school, then bring up survival of the fittest. They never argue with that logic. He's just surviving in nature like he is supposed to. It's the only way I got through high school. I fought back. I ended up throwing the bullies off and made a few decent friends in the process. I was fairly popular in school. Although I was only out officially to a few people, word spread. All that did was immediately turn homophobic kids away and bring more open minded people my way, which was what I needed if you think about it. Safety in numbers can really save a gay person's butt in those types of situations.

[Midlodemocrat]

63. Middle school is godawful.

We are homeschooling my son this year because it was so fucking horrendous for him. He hadn't started his growth spurt at the beginning of the year and was being brutalized.

When he goes to high school next year, the shit head trash that was bullying him won't be going to the same school. Plus, he will have his sister and her friends to sort of 'pave' the way.

My advice is to see if you can find an older, popular, stronger kid for your son to befriend. That seems to work a lot of the time in reducing the bullying.

Sorry he is going through this. :hug:

[MuseRider]

65. Do you know what high school

he will be attending? If so check and see if they have a GSA program. If they do contact them and see if they have a mentoring program. There may be someone you know in it who could help him navigate the next few years. Just a thought. You have not left my mind since I read this yesterday. Give yourselves another :hug: for being such great parents. And another :hug: for your son.

[Debbi801]

66. His high school will depend on him....

He's in a magnet middle school program for Environmental Science. He could apply to get into the magnet high school for the same program. He's also leaning towards applying at a magnet high school for poly sci. Or, he could wind up at the regular local high school that we're zoned for.

I know that there are some magnet high schools that are more accepting than others. I also know that there are several regular high schools in the area that are very accepting. I think I need to start doing some homework between now and the fall when it comes time to apply to the various programs.

Thanks for thinking of us. We appreciate it. :hug:

[bhb]

70. What state do you guys live in?

[Uncle Zoloft]

74. How's it going....

... with your son? The school? PFLAG? Martial Arts?

[ronnykmarshall]

76. Your son is brave and you are the best!!

:loveya:

Anyone that comes out at his age has more courage in his little finger than these bullies have in their whole bodies.

The boy that he kissed ...... do you know if his family is supportive?

[Debbi801]

83. Hi. Thought I'd post an update of sorts since this is here....

Firstly to answer your question, no the other boy's parents are very much not supportive. I am not sure how much is the gay thing and how much is a race thing, but that is neither here nor there. WHile they are not supportive, my son and this boy have managed to keep in touch over the summer through phone calls and IM's. They've even been able to see each other a few times at neighborhood dances and the movies.

My son is doing great and has had a wonderful summer. He is looking forward to starting school in a couple of weeks and getting back into the swing of things. He had a few "friends" that he lost during the end of the school year, but everyone else really rallied behind him and he is excited to see everyone again.

My daughter starts at his middle school in the fall, so he'll have some extra support at school. He's gotten his schedule for the first semester and is very excited about some of his teachers--one of which is also gay and offered my son a lot of support the end of last year. Also, effective in October, I'll be working from home full time. So, I'll be able to touch base with him face to face each day as soon as he gets off the bus. We're both very excited about that.

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts.
Debbi

[Smarmie Doofus]

80. "Threatened with getting beat up..."????

>>>Threatened with getting beaten up, teased, you name it. It doesn't help that the assistant principal responsible for his grade is homophobic.>>>

And the school administrators take no action? What do they think they are there for, besides collecting a salary and waiting for retirement.

Sounds like educational malpractice to me. And maybe actionable... depending on what state you're in. I'd see a lawyer pronto.

Schools are supposed to provide a safe environment for ALL kids. Administrators get paid the extra bucks to see to this.


Perhaps the local ACLU can provide guidance.

Good luck to you and your son.

[dsc]

81. I can't help thinking of your brave son as I start my new year

I sure hope all is well with him.