question about my friend

[Mari333]

I live in a smallish town with the usual sets of homophobes, altho there are some people here who are cool, artists and such. 2 gay partners own a spa here, and are doing a good business.

my concern is one of my friends, who is a 32 yr old young man who comes over to visit me a lot, but goes into deep deep depression a lot too. he is gay, and his parents live a bit out of town, but he has a lot of family here.

they have NOT accepted his being gay, they told him it was a youthful thing and he would get over it.

he has been arrested for DUI twice, lost his lisence, etc, and is often soo depressed..I have sat and told him it is NOT HIS JOB TO MAKE HIS FAMILY HAPPY ..but I know thats easier said then done.

he is terribly concerned about hurting his mother and father by pursuing relationships. terribly concerned about being who he is and being proud of himself.

I know he will mature in time, but all I can offer him now is to tell him he is safe with me, in my house, and always can BE proud of himself as a musician and not be afraid ...he is a nice kid, but it bugs the hell out of me to see him so scared of upsetting everyone around him.


anyway, what else can I do? maybe it is just enough to love him as a friend, and let him figure this out for himself.

I have told him about groups he can join, etc, in the area, but he doesnt 'want my family to find out'.


anyway, thanks for any advice.

[msongs]

1. he will accept the level of abuse he thinks he deserves, only when it exceeds wht he thinks he

deserves will he do something about it. just be his friend cuz he needs one.

[Mari333]

3. thanks it really is his journey

and I have done all I can and will just continue to love him as a friend.

[TheWraith]

2. I would say he should seriously consider getting out of town.

Associating with your family is not as important as having a decent life for yourself.

[qb]

4. Thanks for being his friend.

I could have used a friend like you back in the day.
:hug:

[sui generis]

5. Well, he's waiting to see if he's worth loving himself

based on whether other people do. He'll never be ready to be his own #1 supporter until he gets everyone out of line in front of himself.

The fact is, to be who we are requires amazing strength, courage and self-confidence, and most of us get that strength by overcoming overwhelming personal adversity and emotional pain. Some of us self-destruct, which just makes it harder to face up to what you have to do when your body is recovering from periodic poisoning and your finances are recovering from periodic draining, and your self-respect and self-esteem is even lower because of checking out on drugs or alcohol.

He doesn't know who he IS, all he knows is who he's supposed to be. If he were a straight man living in a gay family and everyone expected him to be gay, he would be just as fucked up. What he really needs is to be away from his family long enough to figure out who HE is and by the way tough love, he needs to stop making up feeble excuses for getting drunk if he's a drunk. Self-medication is not the solution if he wants to solve the problem.

When he's strong enough that rejection won't kill him, he needs to be honest with them and be prepared to accept any answer they give.

To be fair now, in a small town his parents will be targets too unless they're willing to stand by his side and support him, and that's probably expecting too much so he doesn't have to "out" his family until they are ready. All he has to do is worry about himself. My partner took me to his 20 year high-school reunion in a "smallish" town, and the only people who had a problem with it were the ones who hadn't left and gone to Seattle or Spokane, and they at least had enough manners to notice that the more urbane crowd didn't give a damn. That and we're pretty fierce; my baby was a decorated Lt.Cdr on the Enterprise (Navy, not Star Trek), AND we won best looking couple. :P

Seriously, he needs to get away and take some time to figure out who he is and whether or not he's going to learn to actually deal with problems or just get drunk and feel sorry for himself every time something is uncomfortable.

[Mari333]

6. thank you very much I agree. I wont enable him but I will continue to be his friend

he is not allowed alcohol in my house and we have a good friendship. I guess I am like a mom he needs right now .

[Rowdyboy]

7. 25 years ago I was in the same place as your friend....Thank God I had a friend like you....

Love him, give him asylum from the world and encourage him to live his life, not his parents.

Thanks for being a good friend.

[applegrove]

8. You are a good friend. Keep on keeping on. Point out the abuse is abuse if he doesn't call it that.

Cause that is what it is.