I have a question for DU GLBT members, if I may

[Emit]

An 18 yo family member just recently came out to her family and close friends that she's bisexual. Soon after, she entered into a relationship with a young woman her age. I was ecstatic that she seemed so happy and comfortable with moving forward, as this is the first girlfriend or boyfriend relationship she has ever experienced. (She's been on prom dates and such with boys but never had a relationship and the dates she's been on were more friendships - never a sexual interest, she says) They went to the prom together this weekend - she went all out with corsages and all. Friends and family have been very supportive.

The problem is, today, she is really down and tells me she does not want to be in this relationship and I suggested it was just moving too fast. Upon further discussion, however, I asked her if it was this particular girl or if she was questioning whether she wanted to be with girls, in general. To this, she expressed a great deal of frustration and tears and said she just didn't know for sure. She said she has known she was attracted to both males and females since she was young. She said last night at prom, she would've preferred to be with a young man - no one in particular, though. She said most of her attractions to females has been to older women.

The question I have is, is this common for bisexuals to continue to question their sexuality throughout their teen years and into early adulthood?

Fwiw, I told her that I had a real problem with commitment in my early adulthood, something I called, "No one wants to belong to the club that will accept them as a member," and we discussed how our own insecurities/lack of confidence can often screw with us when we try to commit to relationships. I suggested that what she might be experiencing in this new relationship has less to do with gender than it does to committing to a relationship.

With the usual complications teens face with relationships and sexuality on top of the questioning of the bisexual nature of her sexuality, she seems really confused. Any words of wisdom? I went to the library today, and did some research on line about teenage glbt and questioning issues, but didn't land on any good literature/sites yet. Any pointers, recommendations I can pass on to this young woman?

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[unpossibles]

1. I think it is probably very common for people to question their sexuality

In fact, I think it's probably very common among people who eventually decide they are straight as well.

I don't have any words of wisdom other than to tell her that what she is experiencing is very normal and to trust her instincts and to be true to herself.

I know I went through a lot of soul searching myself; I am more attracted to women, but I also recognize that there are men I am attracted to, and it took me a while to even be comfortable with that basic idea.

[TechBear_Seattle]

2. It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done

Kudos for that. :toast:

I don't think it is a matter of age so much as experience. If this is her first "serious" relationship, there will be doubts and emotional turmoil, no matter whether she 15, 18, 21 or older. People who do not fit societal expectations of "normal" in their relationships will have a much harder time of it, due to the lack of role models and the unrelenting pressure to fit in (even if here family and friends support her, there remains a vast, hostile world out there.)

Again, it comes down to experience, and there is never an easy way to get that. Just keep on doing what you are doing, and hope for the best: that is really the only thing that can be done, for any one.

[Emit]

8. Thanks, TechBear_Seattle

I'm trying! I do think it has a lot to do with experience, or lack thereof, in her case - I have told her and many other teens on more than one occasion that it seems life begins all over after high school. She's very mature for her age in many other ways, and thoughtful, so I expect her to blossom even more after she leaves the confines of high school. I just worry for her, and I'm trying to do my best to support her however she needs it most. Thanks again for your thoughtful response. :hi:

[LittleOne]

3. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt

When I was younger I was bi liking older women. But mostly I just wanted to be with a guy because it was easier. We could go anywhere we wanted and nobody looked twice at us. I was just like everyone else.

It took until I was 29 to admit to myself I wasn't bi but gay. That is not to say that your family member will identify as gay but she will have a struggle ahead of her as she grows up and becomes comfortable in her skin.

Continue to give her all the support you can and a shoulder to cry on when she gets her heart broken.

[XOEnterprises]

4. I think that whoever she's attracted to is okay.

I was talking to a fellow bisexual once, and we said that "bi" just doesn't quite cover it. My friend is okay with dating women and men, and has her preferences-she likes scruffy guys, for example, where I prefer clean-shaven/less hairy guys. On the other hand, I find women attractive, but have no desire to date one/be in a relationship with one/sleep with one. It's like...I can see a photo of a woman, and be attracted, but when I'm actually with women and being hit on, I don't find that desirable. But I love drag kings and/or trans men (they are guys, but have their own peculiarities and difficulties). I think that bisexual is really a spectrum-people like different things in their men and women, and that's okay.

One of the things she should think about is why. Does she like younger men but older women because she can't picture herself in a relationship with a woman her age just yet? Is she afraid of being an outcast because of a relationship with a woman? I think that those are things that are important to be thought about and understood.

I wish her luck!

[queerart]

5. Just A Thought.......

Just Thinking.......


I am not "Bisexual", but rather Gay so this may have nothing at all to do with your topic......


But with that said.... often it gets repeated that if a "young male" seeks to be with a "mature male".. that he is seeking a "Father figure", or someone to treat him in a "Paternal" way for his life......


Could the same be true for women? That she may seek a "Mother figure", or someone that might treat her in a "Maternal" way?


... and even though she feels that she is attracted to older women... it may be another dynamic all together that she herself might not understand?

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

7. Not true for me

LostinVA is 18 years older than me, but it's not a "mother figure" thing. I just like older women, always have.

[Jamastiene]

6. I think it depends on the person.

Considering that she is in her growing up years, she will have to figure things out as she goes along. It could very well be that she is just losing interest in this particular girl. It could be that she is still trying to figure herself out and still learning about her own self.

I remember going through a time when I wouldn't even admit I liked women. I forced myself to be with guys just to avoid the stigma. It just got to be too much for me. I could very well have turned out bisexual, but as I grew into my 20s, I realized I love men as friends (more in common), but just not "that way."

The best thing you can do is just be supportive. Let her know that she should think for herself and not put any deadline or time constraints or pressure on herself one way or another. Rome wasn't built in a day and growing up and learning about yourself takes time. She'll figure things out in time. It's tough at that age. It feels like everyone is pulling you this way and that way. Eventually, you have to make your own mind up about things. That's what I'd tell her.

[Chovexani]

9. Well, speaking from experience

Understand that we live in a society that is far more accepting of homosexuality than bisexuality, in the sense that straight people can at least understand it in terms of "he's not into ladies, he's into dudes. Weird, but, okay." There's at least a basic understanding of how it works, even if they don't personally understand the whys of it. The average monosexual person--whether they are straight or gay--doesn't really get how someone can be attracted to more than one gender.

Some of these folks are cool about it even if they don't personally understand it. But, in my experience, far more like to exert pressure on bisexuals to "pick a side", "get off the fence", etc. We get extreme amounts of pressure to choose either a straight or gay identity, and (again, speaking from personal experience), this pressure can ramp into overdrive once you get into a relationship with someone, and it only increases as the relationship goes on. It's the, "well, you're with So-and-So, obviously you have to be straight/gay" thing. Sometimes, particularly when we are teens and freshly out the closet, we can internalize this stuff. So we start believing that, but when our hearts and plumbing don't cooperate with that, it can be confusing.

IOW, if bisexuals are confused, it's because society makes us that way. And remember, unlike gays and lesbians, there really isn't a whole lot of support for us specific to our coming out experiences. Unless you're in a big city, you're unlikely to find a support group for bisexual teens at your local LGBT center. And I can count the number of books on the subject on one hand (there's, uh, Bi Any Other Name and a lot of queer theory stuff that probably will go over the head of someone who just came out or is still questioning). So a lot of this stuff we have to struggle with and try to figure out on our own.

My advice would be to say tell her that there's nothing wrong with questioning, that it's healthy and a part of the process and that bisexuality is a continuum rather than a static thing. I've found that a lot of freshly out bis carry the belief that in order to be bi, they have to have an equal attraction to all genders at all times or else they are not "really" bi. While some bisexuals have equally strong attractions to all genders, many lean toward one or another. Some are only romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to both. And that's okay! I'm dead in the middle of the Kinsey scale, which is actually pretty rare from what I understand. An ex of mine identified as bisexual, and he described his experience as, "I'm pretty much 90% attracted to women but every so often I'll meet a guy and then HOLYSHIT." The important thing to remember is that all of these feelings are valid ways to be bisexual.

And, remember, sometimes people just experiment and discover that they really aren't attracted to both genders, and bisexuality is a transitional phase to a hetero or gay identity. And that's okay too! The only problem with that is when people make assumptions about all bisexuals based on such things. Also, I've found that with a lot of newly out teens who are any sort of sexual minority (gay, lesbian or bi), there can be a tendency to draw conclusions about your orientation based on your first same-gender relationship, when it could just be an issue of compatibility with that particular person. When I was sixteen I was head over heels in love with this girl, but we really didn't have any sort of chemistry, and I was worried that I was "really" straight because of that. Needless to say, that wasn't the case. I would tell her to not be so concerned with nailing down an identity and just taking things as they come and giving herself a chance to develop one.